Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Attention! Everything has been recalled!

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Blog Guy, I guess you’ve been reading about the huge recall of cantaloupes because of that deadly listeria outbreak?

Yes, but recalls in general are coming too fast to count. In the past month, we’ve had stories about recalls of lettuce, candy, ice cream, pine nuts, brewers yeast tablets, prawns, soy burgers, kale chips, spinach, organic eggs, frozen tuna

Oh, I know all about that tuna recall. I’m piling my supply in my Chevy Equinox right now and driving it right back to the supermarket…

Your Equinox? Did you see that GM just recalled 36,000 of those and GMC Terrains to fix the tire pressure monitoring system?

Bear number four, step up and growl…

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Here’s something  you don’t find every day. My Washington Post tells me a guy drove his car off a road and into a canal here in the nation’s capital. The man, who was charged with driving under the influence, told police he had seen a bear.

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Mr. Johnson, we’re gonna have to ask you some questions. It’s just routine.

Farewell to the Gaddafi Goof-O-Rama

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Blog Guy, have you been crying? What’s the matter?

Oh, you know, I just hate to see Muammar Gaddafi go.

Are you nuts? He was a brutal dictator, overthrown by his own people!

Sure, but he was a madcap, zany goofball, too. He was in a class all by himself, and my blog was richer for him.

So it’s all about you and your blog and your goofy stuff, Blog Guy? Everything in the world?

Then, with flames licking at her heels…

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Okay, Lamar, I put you in charge of designing our whole new line of women’s shoes, so show us what you came up with.

Here you go, Boss, behold the new Feet of Fire collection.

It’s everything the young professional woman needs. These flaming tail fins send the message, “Watch out, world, my feet are on fire and I’m stopping for nobody!”

And the Sportsman of the Century was…

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It’s a vintage Rolls Royce convertible, bristling with firepower. A mounted machine gun, a Lantaka swivel cannon, a double-barrel high-caliber Howdah pistol. And it used to belong to James Bond, right?

Nope, it just belonged to some dumbass.

Readers of this blog know I’m always amazed that people will spend tons of money to own stuff touched by a genuine dumbass. A Jesse James autograph, Lee Harvey Oswald’s coffin, Bernie Madoff’s underwear.

I can fix this one up real good, Duchess!

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Blog Guy, I know you have close ties to Britain’s royal family, so maybe you can answer a question. Why are Prince William and Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, spending so much time in Canada?

I’m really not supposed to say.

Look, we’ve been through this before. If you put it in your blog, nobody will even see it.

Boy, this comes as quite a surprise…

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I am in the wrong damned business. I need to get one of those sweet gigs doing scientific “studies.”

But it has to be just the right “study,” where the results back up what everybody already thinks. If your “study” rocks the boat, then people take a closer look and find out you spent your whole grant on remodeling your guest bathroom, and you’re in trouble.

Could you resist the temptation?

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Blog Guy, you seem to be dropping the ball on Stupid Sports, which used to be one of your main coverage areas. Come on, there must be SOMETHING goofy going on among the world’s athletes!

You’re right, this is the season for Traction Distraction Racing, and I have to say…

A rouble for your trouble, my good man…

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Blog Guy, how much does Vladimir Putin earn?

You mean as Russia’s prime minister? Not very much, I’m afraid. Why do you ask?

Well, my wife and I were on a trip recently and I’m pretty sure Putin drove our taxi in from the airport. I was just a little surprised, is all.

Hey, you missed a spot by the Porsche!

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AUTOSHOW/PREMIUM

Okay people, as you know, our exhibit at the Shanghai Auto Show is all about glamor and luxury. Class, sumptuousness and style. Lamar, you were in charge of our display, let’s see what you’ve come up with.

The cars look great, gorgeous models in sexy dresses and shoes, and… Um, Lamar?