Blog Guy, my car got stolen last week and I’m furious! Is there any real progress on theft-prevention?

For sure. Have you seen the new Mercedes-Benz MS (Maximum Security) model in this photo? It is SO cool! The new security system tracks a would-be thief, snags him around the legs, hoists him upside-down on a retractable pole and holds him until police arrive.

Awesome! And is there anything, you know, beyond that?

Yes, another car maker is working on an MSV (Maximum Security Vigilante) model. It’s similar to the MS, except for the addition of boiling wax, electricity and flames. The police don’t even need to bother showing up, if you take my meaning.

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An acrobat performs above Mercedes-Benz CLS 350 during its unveiling ceremony in Seoul July 21, 2008.  REUTERS/Ben Weller

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Blog Guy, is the fuel crisis having an impact on the presidential compaign? You know, all that flying, all those long convoys must get expensive. 

You bet. Recent photos show both candidates are adapting to cope with fuel costs. Senator John McCain has traded his jet for one of those boats with the big window fans on the back, that skim over wetlands and bump into alligators and stuff. I gather the strategy is to focus on the swampier parts of America. 

As for Barack Obama, as you can see he’s driving his Chrysler from rally to rally. His people say it saves money, but that the more popular he becomes, the harder it is for him to find a good parking space nearby.

Barack Obama looks over new car at Chrysler plant in Sterling Heights, Michigan, May 14, 2008.  REUTERS/Jeff Haynes   

John McCain tours Everglades Safari Park in Miami, June 6, 2008. REUTERS/Carlos Barria

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Blog Guy, I’m a horrible driver. I can’t remember the difference between the accelerator and brake, or which gear makes the car go forward. I hate being ridiculed for this small flaw. Where can I go so I won’t stand out?

It sounds like you might feel right at home in Cyprus. They just revamped their guidelines for motorists, and warned drivers not to leave a car while it is in motion.

If this advice is really necessary, then Cyprus must be kind of like a Stunt World Amusement Park, with drivers by the dozens leaping from cars as they roll unguided through busy intersections. Heck, in a place like that, you could be the poster child for safe driving!

Related: 75 MPH? Must be a school zone!

Stunt man Stephen Bodi is hit by a moving car at the “Hollywood Stunts” instructional facility in New York in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson

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We have a video report about how auto designers are shifting into neuteral, so to speak, fighting for the pet owner market by adding Fido-friendly features. I have a list of the options my own dogs are demanding:

- deluxe hamburger dispenser

- giant window control buttons 

- peanut butter dispenser

- big fans aimed at their face

- toast and jelly dispenser

- indoor tennis ball flinger

Come to think of it, that doesn’t sound like such a bad car, does it?

Video report:

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Blog Guy, I just graduated from college and I’m looking at careers. Any suggestions? My degree is in English literature. 

In that case, the exciting field of stunt driving may be one of the few careers open to you.

Borrow your mom’s car, set up a ramp, and try rolling a few times. If you don’t barf much, this may be the job  for you!

Wow, thanks! What if Mom’s car catches on fire?

Good point. Better take a friend along so you’ll have a ride home. Now, watch this slick, informative stunt driver recruiting video, which should answer all your questions.

More advice on careers

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It’s time again for News or Spoof?, the game where I tell you something and you have to say if it’s real news, or just satire. Say I told you a car dealer is giving away a free handgun with every purchase? Yeah, that really happened. But now guess which one of these quotes the car dealer really said:

“I’ve got a gun in my pocket right now. I have a rifle in my truck.”

“We’ve got to shoot the coyotes out here, they’re attacking our cows.”

“Brussels sprouts as we now know them were grown possibly as early as the 1200s in what is now Belgium.”

 ”We all go to church on Sunday and we all carry guns.”

The answer is, he said all of them except the one about Brussels sprouts.

Carey Gillam reports:

Car dealer Mark Muller

Screen grab from http://www.max71.com/

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, overcome with emotion, pockets a coveted Anachronism Award given to him at a Playboy Mansion party honoring Playboy’s new Playmate of the Year.

Yes, they really still have one of those, and we moved TWENTY photos of the event, including some showing the winner leaning against her prize, a shiny new red Cadillac. Yes, they still have those, too.

Hef is seen here at the party with his great grand-daughter…oops, no, the caption says it’s his girlfriend! Anyway, after the party everybody went home to read some Playboy articles. Yes, they still have those.

Philippines Playboy, sent in a Manila wrapper?

Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy magazine and girlfriend, Holly Madison, attend a party honoring the 2008 Playboy Playmate of the Year, at the Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles, May 8, 2008. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

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Blog Guy, I need some of your sage travel advice. I’m going to St Petersburg, Russia, in June. Should I rent a bike to see the sights?

Let me very frank. No! Do NOT rent a bike unless you can find out for CERTAIN what Roman  Lutoshkin did with the one he’s sweating on with his bare butt in this video report.

Warning: people who might be offended by certain parts of this guy’s body probably shouldn’t watch this video.

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Blog Guy, I know you’ve written about those crazy German highways with no speed limits. I recently heard that they even let dogs drive. My friend saw one smoking a big cigar and driving 140 miles an hour!

Sounds like he saw the Stogie Doggies of Dortmund, among the worst of the dog gangs.

Uh, you mean there are more?

Oh sure. That country has a canine gang war problem like you wouldn’t believe. I’m talking about the Burger Kings of Hamburg, the Hot Dogs of Frankfurt, the Smelly Shi Tsus of Cologne, the Bad Bad Barkers of Baden-Baden…

Bad Bad Barkers of Baden-Baden? Now that’s just silly!

Yeah? I wouldn’t let a Barker hear you say that.

A French bulldog has a mock up of a cigar in its mouth as it sits in a toy car during a dog show in Dortmund, Germany, May 2, 2008. REUTERS/ Ina Fassbender

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“Boy, this waiting is the hardest part…”

“Stop complaining It beats picking Brussels sprouts!”

“How come Vinny’s wearin’ that orange shirt?”

“He says he’s ‘in character!’ S’posed to be a drunk who crashes after a bowling match…”

“He should just wear the Dummy Blues and be proud of it!”

“Shhhhhh, you know Vinny’s story. His parents tested the Pinto, rest their souls…”

“Pinto! Sheesh! Rough way to go. You think we’ll get meatloaf for lunch today?”

Related: That young guy sure is out of shape!

A row of crash test dummies at the Volvo Safety Center in Gothenburg, Sweden, April 9, 2008. REUTERS/Bob Strong

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