Blog Guy, military tactics is one of your areas of expertise. Can you update us on which countries are trying anything new and innovative in warfare?

Sure. For my money, all eyes should be on Cyprus.

That island in the Mediterranean? Whatever for?

They base their defense tactics on classic cartoons, which of course is brilliant.

Here you can see they’ve spread bananas all around their perimeter. The enemy army charges in, the heels meet the peels, and anybody who’s ever watched Looney Tunes knows what happens next.

Um, I see. And what if the enemy attacks by air?

What’s the matter with you, anyway? You’ve never seen “Daffy Duck and the Custard Pie Catapult?”

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Bananas lie at the main entrance to a court in the Cypriot capital Nicosia March 23, 2009. Cypriots converged on the courts on Monday to protest the acquittal on March 22 of 10 police officers charged with brutality against two civilians. Demonstrators took bananas to the court, which was defaced over the weekend when perpetrators threw black paint at the colonial building. The bananas are a symbolic gesture to drive home their claim the verdict makes the EU member state look like a banana republic. REUTERS/ Andreas Manolis

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Blog Guy, you give great travel advice, and I need some. I just bought tickets on a budget Tibetan airline. They were very cheap, and now I’m wondering what to expect in the way of quality.

I guess it depends on how picky you are.

Um, why do you ask?

That airline doesn’t really own any planes. They use a more theoretical method of travel in which passengers get on a very fast horse, which gallops at breathtaking speed toward a mountain precipice. When it gets there, the horse stops suddenly.

And what happens to the passengers?

If you really don’t know, then rent some Looney Toons cartoons. I recommend Daffy Duck in “Himalaya Shmimalaya!”

So does this method of air travel actually work?

Yes. Briefly.

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Above: Tibetans ride their horses during a stunt performance to celebrate a traditional Tibetan New Year in Lhasa, Tibet Autonomous Region February 27, 2009. REUTERS/China Daily

Below: Participant in a Tibetan horse racing festival in Shangri-La, Yunnan province, China, in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/John Ruwitch

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Blog Guy, I really need some fashion advice! I’ve been dating a sailor for oh, 70 years or so, and I need help keeping him interested.

How about taking cooking classes?

No, he has very simple dietary tastes. I’m afraid I’ll have to do it with a “new look.”

Okay. Judging from your hair and figure, I’d suggest some of these creations from Fashion Week in Madrid.

Thank you! They’re great! How do you think I look?

Um, well… Have you thought of dating somebody else?

Sure, there’s always Bluto.

That dog from the Disney cartoons? Okay, go for it.

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Models present creations by Juanjo Oliva during the Pasarela Cibeles Autumn/Winter 09-10 Fashion Week in Madrid, February 23, 2009. REUTERS/ Andrea Comas

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Blog Guy, whatever happened to Gumby after his long career as an entertainer?

I think you’ll be very surprised. My private detectives have tracked the reclusive clay figure to China, where he now works pulling a rickshaw.

No way!

Way! Oh, he’s matured a bit, gotten tan from the outdoor work, grown a mustache and often wears a straw hat to cover that head hump, but it’s the same dude.

I just can’t believe my childhood idol has dropped out! Gumby has feet of clay!

Well he would, wouldn’t he? But don’t despair. My Hollywood sources tell me Gumby may be lured back for a new TV western, riding his pony, Pokey, wearing a mask and spreading frontier justice.

That sounds kind of familiar. What’s it called?

Who was that masked man? The Loam Ranger!

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Farmer Wu Yulu drives his rickshaw pulled by his walking robot near his home in a village at the outskirts of Beijing, January 8, 2009. REUTERS/ Reinhard Krause

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The actual caption for this news photo says this officer is “guarding the railroad track…” I am not making this up.

Now, I hate to criticize the practices of a police force, but I’m not sure his position is considered the very best for guarding tracks. If you’ve ever seen a Looney Tunes cartoon, you can pretty much see this one coming.

It gets worse. The guy is guarding the tracks because a train carrying NUCLEAR WASTE is heading his way.

“Dear Mom, I ‘m text-messaging you since I have a little time before a train full of nuclear waste comes hurtling down the track I’m guarding. Anybody wants to get to that waste, they have to come past me.

“Well, I’m tired now, Mom, so I’m gonna grab a nap….”

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A German police officer guards the railway track in Lueneburg where a train transporting Castor nuclear waste containers will travel later in the night to the northern German town of Dannenberg, November 9, 2008. REUTERS/Wolfgang Rattay

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 A certain Ms. Johnson, from Battle Creek, Michigan, writes that she’s going on vacation in Bulgaria, and she wants to make clothes that will blend in.

That’s very commendable, Ms. Johnson. Below is a photo from a fashion show in Bulgaria this very week, so I’m guessing that should seem pretty trendy to the people you meet there.

To make this outfit, you’ll need the upholstery from a 1973 Pontiac Grand Am - both the front and back seats. Typical undergarments would be some football shoulder pads and a Kevlar vest. For the skirt, you’ll need an inflatable swimming pool toy.

You won’t need an actual pattern to make the outfit, just a drawing of Minnie Mouse to copy. And as this professional model knows, the perfect finishing touch for this sexy ensemble is a big, come-hither smile!

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above: Minnie Mouse

A model presents a creation as part of Totally Erected fashion house Autumn/Winter 2008 -2009 collection in Sofia September 23, 2008. REUTERS/Stoyan Nenov

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My Dear Mr. Gifford,

I regret that I shall not be able to join your upcoming mass parachute jump over Mount Everest, though it sounds exciting to hurtle past the 29,000-foot peak and land on a drop zone at 12,000 feet. I’m afraid my parachute is at the dry cleaners.

You have been quoted as saying this feat “has never been done before.” Actually, I believe there may be good reasons for that.

Also, I do not want to join the group that holds trampolines to catch unlucky jumpers whose chutes don’t open. I have seen numerous Daffy Duck cartoons, and those things do not work so well.

As an animal lover, though, I do applaud your efforts to supply the vultures with plenty of fresh meat for the cold weather ahead.

Don’t forget to wave.

Bob

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Nigel Gifford organizer of the skydiving team, demonstrates the use of an oxygen mask on one of his diving members in Kathmandu, September 23, 2008. REUTERS/Gopal Chitrakar

REUTERS Everest shot by David Gray

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Here’s a story about police in Germany hunting for a guy who was video-taped riding a skateboard down a steep stretch of highway at more than 60 miles an hour.

WHY are they wasting our tax money on this? And by “our” I mean other people’s tax money. These police never studied Bob’s Third Law of Cartoon Physics?

At some point soon, this doofus will be streaking downhill and take a sharp curve, only to find a chasm where a bridge used to be, a duck poised to slam him with a big shovel, or maybe a freshly-built brick wall.

There will be much noise, he will bounce past the moon, and will be aware of a stuttering pig saying “That’s all, folks!” This is how an orderly universe deals with guys like this. No need for the police.

Looney Tunes screen grab

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Dear Blog Guy, I know you’ve been covering the fashion scene for years, and I’m wondering where some of those designers get their ideas.

I mean, what inspires them? What triggers their creative process? More to the point, is there any way we can stamp it out?

Brenda

Now, now, Brenda, you should remember it works out well that you think a lot of haute couture looks ridiculous, because you probably couldn’t afford most of it anyway.

Designers are understandably guarded when it comes to the creative process, and I’m sure we’ll never know exactly what inspires their works of art.

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Above: Minnie Mouse

Below: Model presents creation by Japanese designer Junko Shimada during her Fall/Winter 2008/09 women’s ready-to-wear fashion show in Paris, February 29, 2008. REUTERS/Gonzalo Fuentes

As some of you know, one purpose of this blog is to offer career counseling. If I can help recent grads make informed decisions about male belly dancing, contortionism, snake handling, voluntary mutilation and other exciting fields, then I’m a lucky guy.

Now, look at this dude. He’s just shooting a cheap remake of the last scene in Dr. Strangelove, but here’s a tip: if at any time you find yourself, jobwise, atop a rocket-shaped tube like the one that carries Wile E. Coyote into a dynamite factory, then you’ve made a bad career move.

Quit the Looney Tunes Temp Agency at once, and do not listen to your inner duck. Of course, if it’s a choice between riding the red rocket or a gyrocopter…

A competitor jumps into the sea in an attempt to fly his homemade craft in the Red Bull Flugtag competition in Kuwait November 2, 2007. REUTERS/Tariq AlAli

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