Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
Nine ways to lose weight and live forever
People say to me all the time, “Bob, your blog is SO stupid, how do you get people to read it?”
These folks don’t understand how online journalism works. You can write anything you want, and if you put a good headline on it people will read it. Especially if you hint at immortality, easy weight loss or better sex.
If your headline offers a numbered list, that’s even better. The best thing of all is a moderately clever play on words, which will attract people who think they are smart, and improve your demographics.
Toss in a photo of a nice dog or the Duchess of Cambridge, and it’s a hit.
This is a very good deal, because it means I work about five minutes a day.
Looking back at the blog for this year, here are my favorite headlines. Smart people, come on down!
Hey, I never said I’m proud of myself!
Blog Guy, I’ve just started a new blog, and I could use some advice from a veteran like yourself. What do you do if you want to get a lot of traffic, but you don’t want to work very hard for it?
That’s called cheap pandering to readers with click-bait, and blogging professionals don’t do it.
Yes, but just between you and me. If you wanted to pander, just once, what would you do?
I’d go for a wide audience. I’d anchor it with a really good new photo of Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge. A close-cropped face shot, just oozing with charm.
Very interesting. And then?
Then I’d raise the stakes with a panda sticking out his tongue or something very cute like that. Pandas are solid gold.
You make me head spin, Spinny!
I love the panda, but I agree with Georgia, none of them are Mr.Fab Abs!
As for the boots, they are quite nice, Dave, but me and thigh high boots just dont go.. might have something to do with my height.
Say “I’ll be back,” Duchess….
Blog Guy, it’s me, the one you got hooked on pictures of Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge.
I’ve told you, I got a lot of people hooked on her, with my “first one’s always free” policy.
So, do you have anything fresh? The quality doesn’t have to be great as long as it’s her and it’s new.
Hmmmm. What if she’s smiling like she’s in a religious cult, and she has glowing red Terminator eyes.
I can handle that.
And what if she’s performing in a hard hat with a Village People tribute band?
Who’s the cutest one of all?
I’m going to do something a little different today.
There is this writer named Bart King, whose job is almost as much fun as mine. He turns out books with titles like “Big Book of Gross Stuff” and “Pocket Guide to Mischief.”
His latest one, called “Cute! A Guide to All Things Adorable,” has just been published, and I enjoyed it very much. Bart offers clever insight into what makes things seem cute, and why.
My readers are interested in cute stuff, so I sent Bart six photos that have appeared here. I asked him to apply his own criteria and grade them on cuteness, which he was nice enough to do.
Bart says the LEAST cute one is the photo at the top, adding, “I find nothing cute about a group of immature pandas awaiting autopsies.”
Oh, did I mention this Bart guy can be fairly twisted?
@Nosmo: Good grin!
@Bart: Interesting that you HAVE to take the psych tests. We all volunteered!
Not that duchess, the udder one…
Blog Guy, it’s me. I’m back and I need a fix. You’re the one who got me hooked.
That’s right, I need fresh pictures of a certain duchess, if you catch my meaning.
I do indeed. Feast your eyes on Chris “The Duchess” Walton, and her world record fingernails, more than 10 feet long on her left hand alone….
Are you insane, Blog Guy? Don’t play dumb with me. Does the phrase “royal wedding” jog your memory?
Oh! You bet! Here are the William and Catherine Butter Cows, on display at the Utah State Fair in Salt Lake City. The 700 pounds of butter from the sculpture could butter 23,000 slices of toast.
I hope that Duchess Walton’s bracelets have clasps and don’t have to be put on or removed by sliding them over her hands.
Coming soon, the Sound of Stupid…
Blog Guy, I just heard about an exciting project involving your blog. Can you confirm it?
Yes, the last two years of my blog postings are being released as Blogs on Tape, so folks can listen to them in the car, on dates, during court arraignments, whenever.
That’s great! I know it’s important to get the voices right on these audio things. Who are you using?
We assembled a stellar audio team. Actor George Clooney does Blog Guy. Here you can see him cracking up during a recording session, trying to deliver the line, “What do I look like, an ornithologist?” He just loved the material.
Wow, that’s quite a coup! And the all-important voice of your sidekick, Lamar?
That would be Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, seen here playing off of Clooney’s straight lines with his over-the-top wacky rejoinders.
The duchess, the chimp and the corn dog
This blog’s August statistics are in, and once again, patterns are starting to form which will allow me to do a better job of reaching my audience. It’s all in knowing how to read the results.
Of the 10 most popular items, two were about politicians eating corn dogs, three involved very cute animals and two more featured Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge.
Our analysts now just have to figure out whether my readers are interested in politics, or in corn dogs. Please, please let it be the latter.
Excuse me now, I need to dictate a letter.
Dear Duchess of Cambridge, I would like to invite you to a photo shoot next summer at the Iowa State Fair. You will appear with an adorable panda cub, and we would like you to consume something which we Americans call a corn dog. It consists of… Oh, never mind, I’ll just get a stunt double duchess, instead…
Here they are, your 10 favorite posts for August:
Duchess, the sun never sets on the British vampire…
I’ll admit I was skeptical when I saw photos of the cast of yet another TV movie about Prince William and Kate Middleton. Did we really need this? I mean, I guess maybe if they found a dead ringer to play Kate… Nope, that’s not it…
Let’s see, according to IMDB, the movie was shot in ROMANIA? Huh? Well, that’s different. Now I get it! These clever folks have added an element of horror to the story:
* * * * * *
ACT ONE, SCENE ONE
INTERIOR, DUSK, A GOTHIC CASTLE
LIGHTNING FLASHES AT THE WINDOWS
@ Shra: And that actor they got to play Goofy Prince Charlie looks waaaaayyyyyy too serious
Mystery brunette with Prince William?
Blog Guy, I’m confused. I was walking past a toy shop in London and I saw a doll that looked like Prince William.
He was packaged with a female doll dressed as a bride. She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place her.
Ah, she looks like that Hollywood actress, Minnie Driver.
Jeez, Blog Guy, doesn’t it seem strange to sell Prince William and Minnie Driver dolls together, like they’re a couple.
I guess maybe he used to go out with her before his recent marriage. Wait. On closer inspection of those dolls, I’m not sure that’s Prince William at all! It may be Moose, from the Archie Comics.
By golly, I think you’re right. That’s Moose in his high school band uniform! But how does Moose know Minnie Driver?
Don’t they always say about Kate, “She’s such a doll”?
Presenting the Caribou Smoker Royale!
Blog Guy, you’ve been very good about helping us find solutions to those tough household chores in the past, and I have some more questions.
Gosh, all I ever really do is point you in the direction of expensive Williams-Sonoma gadgets.
I like to serve shrimp in the summer, but I find they lack color. People want shrimp that are a nice, healthy pink.
That’s an easy one. Get yourself the Williams-Sonoma Shellmaster 3000, to paint a healthy glow onto shrimp, lobsters, oysters, all kinds of shellfish, as you can see on the right. It comes with a gallon of pink paint, just $399.95.
Is that paint safe to eat?
I guess so, it’s only lead.
Dave, I was assuming that smoking the skin was a “quick option for semi nomadic people” version of tanning…?
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Resident Oddly Enough blog Expert
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That dog looks just like Medo the bear, only a few years older. We’ll miss that bear too.
I will be having withdrawal symptoms soon. Maybe I’ll start blogging myself on facebook, and try to honour the BG’s spirit of blogging. Anyone else up for this? Maybe we should do a joint-blog together and give the throne to Mr. Bas himself.