Dammit Johnson, now you’ve REALLY screwed up! It was bad enough a couple of weeks ago, when you let a small part of the German Chancellor’s face get in the way of a sky shot, but this one is even worse!

What now, Boss? You sent me out to shoot a profile of French fashion designer Pierre Cardin, and that’s what I did! Look, here are his hands!

Are you an idiot, Johnson? You should know that “profile” means just ONE hand!

But Boss, he had his hands tightly clasped! There was no way to get just one of them.

Sigh. I thought you knew some photographers’ tricks. That’s why you ALWAYS carry oranges in your camera bag.

You toss them to him suddenly, shout “Want oranges, Mr. Cardin?” and when he catches them, you shoot!

Wow, I should have known that one!

That also explains why so many of the great profile shots I studied on our new photo file show folks holding oranges and looking really surprised!

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Above: The hands of French fashion designer Pierre Cardin are seen during an interview with Reuters in Paris October 13, 2009. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

Right: Republican presidential nominee Senator John McCain (R-AZ) holds a bag of oranges he bought in Plant City, Florida, October 23, 2008. REUTERS/Brian Snyder

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Observant readers will note that actress Pamela Anderson seems to manage only a cruel sneer, one that reaches out and says, “Come here and I’ll kill you!”

I believe my blog was the first to report that Anderson’s face is doing weird things these days, but that isn’t what’s going on here.

If you look at some of the full-length shots from a Los Angeles awards show last night, you can see that the actress is simply wondering how she got talked into wearing a gown that…

a) doesn’t even seem to have been put on her correctly, and

b) is so grotesquely cumbersome that it requires a small, puzzled-looking child to hold portions of it at all times.

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Photo combo: Actress Pamela Anderson attends the Hollywood Style awards in Los Angeles, October 11, 2009.

Left: Anderson poses as Adelaide Gault holds a corner of her dress at the awards.

REUTERS photos by Mario Anzuoni

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Blog Guy, can you please help settle an argument with my girlfriend? Did Gandhi have any children?

This is what you argue about with your girlfriend? What about fidelity and commitment and toilet seats and stuff?

Nope, just the Gandhi thing.

Jeez. Anyway, Gandhi did indeed father a number of children, as you can see in this shot taken this week in Bhopal, India.

Wow, talk about your dominant gene pool. What a strong resemblance!

Yes indeed, especially considering these are all girls.

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School children dressed as Mahatma Gandhi take part in a cultural program on the eve of Gandhi’s 140th birth anniversary, in the central Indian city of Bhopal October 1, 2009. REUTERS/Raj Patidar

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I am just SO danged proud of all you readers!

Despite my sacred vow that you will never learn anything from my blog, when you found out here that actress Megan Fox has a quote from “King Lear” tattooed on her back, you made it the most popular post of the month!

All’s I can figure is, all you crazy Shakespeare lovers wanted to memorize the full quote!

Not only that, you were sensitive enough not to point out that this unfortunate woman seems to have little control over her tongue, which simply lolls around in many photos.

You’ve made me so proud. Group hug, everybody!

And now, your five favorite posts for September:

5.Wanna come back to my place, human?

4.Them flip-flops ain’t makin it, honey!

3. Major movie star goes nuts?

2. That picture is too EXTREME!

1. Learing at super-hot actress

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Above: Actress Megan Fox attends premiere of movie “Eagle Eye” in 2008 file photo. REUTERS/ Mario Anzuoni

Bottom: Fox, star of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”, poses at the film’s premiere in Los Angeles, June 22, 2009. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

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Boy Lonnie, you’ll be sorry you took those days off from the custom tailor shop.

Damn! I always miss the good stuff. Another weirdo, huh?

That doesn’t begin to cover it. This dude demanded huge full-color naked chicks sewn onto his jacket by the lapels.

Hah! One of those spoiled Los Angeles 11-year-old TV stars?

Nope. This was a grown-up, goin’ on his first date or whatever.

Figures. Let me guess. He was no George Clooney in the looks department?

Not even if Clooney had gangrene and an autopsy. Of course the jacket had to be…

Stop! Let me guess. Fire engine red?

Bingo!

Another huge surprise…

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Director Quentin Tarantino at the premiere of “Whip It” in Hollywood, California, September 29, 2009. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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Arnold: Who is your daddy and what does he do?

Sylvester: My old man, he was never too smart, he says to me, ‘You ain’t got much of a brain…’

Arnold: I remember days like this when my father took me to the forest and we ate wild blueberries…

Sylvester: Sometimes I wake up and I don’t know where I am…

Arnold: I’m your twin brother…

Sylvester: You know, you’re like a crazy brother to me…

Arnold: Your clothes … give them to me, now…

Sylvester: : I was wonderin’ if, uh, you wouldn’t mind marryin’ me very much…

Arnold: Your clothes … give them to me, now…

Sylvester: I think we make a real sharp couple of coconuts - I’m dumb, you’re shy, whaddaya think, huh?

Arnold: Your clothes … give them to me, now…

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Actor Sylvester Stallone (L) and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger at WBC Heavyweight Championship boxing bout in Los Angeles, September 26, 2009. REUTERS/Mike Blake

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Yo Blog Guy, you know that hot actress Megan Fox? She’s SO fine! Can you run some pictures of her for me?

Sorry, sir, this isn’t that kind of a blog. We don’t run exploitative photos of human beings just because they are “hot.” My readers have loftier pretentions.

I get it. Blog Guy, I am a huge fan of Shakespeare. Do you happen to know of anyone in show business with The Bard’s quotations tattooed on them?

Why yes, stranger! I believe that actress, Megan Fox, has a quote from “King Lear” on her back. Here, I have a photo of it. Thank you for posing a literary question.

Wait, I’m not done. I believe Megan also has Kate’s famous 400-word soliloquy from “The Taming of the Shrew” tattooed on her fine butt! Let’s see!

Don’t press your luck, creep.

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Above and lower right: Actress Megan Fox poses at a fan event for the film “Jennifer’s Body” in Hollywood, September 16, 2009. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

Lower left: Cast member Fox poses at the screening for “Jennifer’s Body” during the Toronto International Film Festival, September 10, 2009. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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Blog Guy, you haven’t done any fantasy photos for a few days. I want some!

I’m here to make you happy. What the hell do you want?

I want a photo of a billionaire dressed like a clown.

Sigh. Any special setting?

No, it can be anyplace, so long as it’s in Red Square.

Holy crap! Anything else?

Yes. I want a photo of actor Sylvester Stallone in his private bathroom.

Geez, I sure hope the authorities are watching you. Okay, here are the two shots you requested.

Hey! That billionaire is just some Canadian clown!

You expected what, Warren Buffett in a red wig?

And this caption says Stallone is in a theater, not a bathroom!

Sure, but isn’t this pretty much how you think his bathroom at home would look?

You’ve got me there, Blog Guy. Thanks for the snaps!

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Above: Canadian billionaire Guy Laliberte poses in Red Square in Moscow September 10, 2009. Laliberte, who owns Cirque du Soleil, is set to become Canada’s first space tourist. REUTERS/ Sergei Remezov

Below: Actor Sylvester Stallone poses while visiting La Fenice theater in Venice, September 11, 2009. REUTERS/Michele Crosera

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Blog Guy, I’m a huge fan of actor Michael Douglas. Any news about him?

Sure. He’s gone totally insane. Bonkers. Mental. Deranged. Nutsy.

Wow! Do you like have deep sources at a mental hospital or clinic or something?

Nah, I’m just looking at his hair from when he showed up for a movie screening in New York yesterday. Does that look like a sane guy’s haircut?

Well no, it doesn’t, but that’s your only evidence?

No. A couple of months ago he started lurking in bushes, and saluting people even though he’s not in the military. As you can see below, I have photos to prove it.

I’m stunned! Anything else?

Yeah, here’s a photo of his wife, Catherine Zeta-Jones.

What does that prove?

Absolutely nothing, I just love to use pictures of her. Besides, while I can’t be positive, I imagine she’s saying, “What’s up with your nutjob hair? And just STOP saluting me, buster!”

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Top: Actor Michael Douglas arrives at a screening of the film “Beyond A Reasonable Doubt” in New York, September 9, 2009. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

Middle: Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones reacts as she receives a surprise birthday cake in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Kim Kyung Hoon

Bottom: Douglas arrives at a presentation of his new film in Barcelona, July 8, 2009. REUTERS/Albert Gea

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Blog Guy, what do you think it’s like being George Clooney? I bet it’s pretty neat!

You have a real way with words, stranger. I’m guessing “pretty neat” is accurate.

Take these shots of Clooney arriving by speedboat in Venice yesterday. It was like in the 90s in Italy, but he’s totally fresh looking.

Actually, it was in the mid-70s in Italy. You’re probably thinking of India.

Italy, India, whatever. Anyway, I hear when Clooney goes someplace all he has to do is describe the sort of woman he wants, and they just bring her to him.

Is that really true?

I think so. Look at the photo below from when he was in Italy in July. What else could he possibly be talking about?

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Above: Actor George Clooney arrives by speedboat in Venice September 7, 2009. He will be attending the 66th Venice Film Festival for his premiere of “The Men Who Stare at Goats”. REUTERS/Manuel Silvestri

Clooney is escorted by police during his tour of earthquake-damaged areas in central Italy, July 9, 2009. REUTERS/ Philippe Wojazer

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