You all know me, I’m not a judgmental kind of guy. But on some rare occasions I DO form strong opinions, and gosh darn it, if I’m not careful I’m afraid I’ll go after somebody with this pickle fork I’m holding.

What do I see on our photo file? Levi Johnston at TWO glitzy Los Angeles galas in one evening, including the GQ magazine “Men of the Year” party.

In one of the photos, he’s shown with his “bodyguard.” I am not making this up.

I won’t bother telling you who this guy is - if you’ve been awake at some point over the past 18 months you already know - but cripes! Men of the year? Levi Johnston?

I can only presume, then, that former presidential candidate John Edwards, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, Lenny and Squiggy and Ratso Rizzo, all equally deserving, were not available?

Hey look, Levi, you ever seen a pickle fork? Say, what time does your bodyguard go home?

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Combo, clockwise: Levi Johnston (R), who fathered a child with Bristol Palin, daughter of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin,is escorted by his bodyguard at US Weekly party in West Hollywood, November 18, 2009. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

Former candidate John Edwards in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Jeff HAYNES

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wipes his eyes as he speaks to the media and admits to an extramarital affair, in Columbia, South Carolina, June 24, 2009.  REUTERS/Erik Campos

Lenny and Squiggy, “Laverne and Shirley” publicity shot

Lower right: Levi Johnston at the 14th annual GQ magazine “Men of the Year” party in Los Angeles, November 18, 2009. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

Lower left: Ratso Rizzo, “Midnight Cowboy” publicity shot

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Okay, I’m big enough to admit when I was wrong.

I’ve devoted several items recently to a wild conspiracy theory about a nefarious plot by prominent people who wear white hats to secretly identify themselves to each other.

Readers pointed out photos of everybody from Brad Pitt and the Dalai Lama to Madonna and boxer Jake “Raging Bull” LaMotta, and I poked fun at their theories.

Needless to say, that was before I saw a video clip on our own reuters.com of actress Salma Hayek in Cairo, spouting absolute gibberish about taking her kid to the Pyramids and crap like that.

The piece is so totally devoid of news value that it could ONLY have been filed for the conspiracy, to share a coded message from Hayek in her white hat.

Of course, since this clip was posted by one of my own colleagues, now would be the point in any slasher movie where I would learn that the call came from inside the house.

So now that I have no idea who I can trust, I’m going underground. I’ll blog from an undisclosed location and watch my back. Come to think of it, that’s not much of a change for me.

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Combo top left: Honduras’ ousted President Manuel Zelaya, October 8, 2009. REUTERS/Edgard Garrido

Combo top right: Peru’s President Alan Garcia, October 22, 2009. REUTERS/Enrique Castro-Mendivil

Combo bottom left: Tibet’s exiled spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, September 30, 2009. REUTERS/Pool

Combo bottom right: Actor Brad Pitt, July 2, 2008. REUTERS/Chris Serrano

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Blog Guy, I read that Clint Eastwood got a major honor from France on Friday, presented by French President Nicolas Sarkozy himself. Awesome!

Yeah, but Sarkozy tried being an even tougher guy than Eastwood, and got all up in his face like he was gonna punch him. It wouldn’t surprise me if…

Blog Guy, you’re pathetic. Sarkozy and Eastwood got along great. If you read the caption, you’ll see the “tough guy” Sarkozy photo was from some other event, three weeks ago.

Okay, this is happening WAY too often, that readers are learning stuff from the real captions. I think it’s time for extreme measures on my part.

You’ll start reading them yourself?

Nah, I’ll just stop running them.

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Above: France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy chairs a meeting with health care industry managers at the Elysee Palace in Paris, October 26, 2009. REUTERS/ Jacques Brinon/Pool

Below: U.S. actor and director Clint Eastwood (L) reacts with France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy after he was named as a Commandeur de la Legion d’Honneur in Paris, November 13, 2009. REUTERS/Thibault Camus/Pool

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Blog Guy, my favorite actress is Marcia Gay Harden. Why isn’t she in more stuff?

Because Marcia divides her time between acting and her real love, working as the captain of a luxury cruise ship.

WHAT?

We caught up with her this week in New York City, aboard the Carnival Dream, tooting the horn, dropping the anchor and stuff, charting a course for Louisville or someplace like that.

Blog Guy, are you out of  your fricking mind? She’s just there to promote a new cruise ship. That’s it.

You know, that’s what I thought at first, too. But look at the caption. It has one of those NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS warnings on it.

So, why would they bring in a famous actress and then not be able to use the pictures for anything? No, I’m sticking with my original guess, that she’s the captain.

Blog Guy, do you always just “guess” at the so-called news you print here?

No, not always. Sometimes I just make it up completely.

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Actress Marcia Gay Harden dons Carnival Dream Captain Carlo Queirolo’s hat while touring the ship’s bridge in New York City, November 12, 2009. Harden presided over ship’s naming ceremonies for the new ship. REUTERS/Ray Stubblebine/ Carnival Cruise Lines/HO) FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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Dammit Johnson, now you’ve REALLY screwed up! It was bad enough a couple of weeks ago, when you let a small part of the German Chancellor’s face get in the way of a sky shot, but this one is even worse!

What now, Boss? You sent me out to shoot a profile of French fashion designer Pierre Cardin, and that’s what I did! Look, here are his hands!

Are you an idiot, Johnson? You should know that “profile” means just ONE hand!

But Boss, he had his hands tightly clasped! There was no way to get just one of them.

Sigh. I thought you knew some photographers’ tricks. That’s why you ALWAYS carry oranges in your camera bag.

You toss them to him suddenly, shout “Want oranges, Mr. Cardin?” and when he catches them, you shoot!

Wow, I should have known that one!

That also explains why so many of the great profile shots I studied on our new photo file show folks holding oranges and looking really surprised!

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Above: The hands of French fashion designer Pierre Cardin are seen during an interview with Reuters in Paris October 13, 2009. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

Right: Republican presidential nominee Senator John McCain (R-AZ) holds a bag of oranges he bought in Plant City, Florida, October 23, 2008. REUTERS/Brian Snyder

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Observant readers will note that actress Pamela Anderson seems to manage only a cruel sneer, one that reaches out and says, “Come here and I’ll kill you!”

I believe my blog was the first to report that Anderson’s face is doing weird things these days, but that isn’t what’s going on here.

If you look at some of the full-length shots from a Los Angeles awards show last night, you can see that the actress is simply wondering how she got talked into wearing a gown that…

a) doesn’t even seem to have been put on her correctly, and

b) is so grotesquely cumbersome that it requires a small, puzzled-looking child to hold portions of it at all times.

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Photo combo: Actress Pamela Anderson attends the Hollywood Style awards in Los Angeles, October 11, 2009.

Left: Anderson poses as Adelaide Gault holds a corner of her dress at the awards.

REUTERS photos by Mario Anzuoni

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Blog Guy, can you please help settle an argument with my girlfriend? Did Gandhi have any children?

This is what you argue about with your girlfriend? What about fidelity and commitment and toilet seats and stuff?

Nope, just the Gandhi thing.

Jeez. Anyway, Gandhi did indeed father a number of children, as you can see in this shot taken this week in Bhopal, India.

Wow, talk about your dominant gene pool. What a strong resemblance!

Yes indeed, especially considering these are all girls.

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School children dressed as Mahatma Gandhi take part in a cultural program on the eve of Gandhi’s 140th birth anniversary, in the central Indian city of Bhopal October 1, 2009. REUTERS/Raj Patidar

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I am just SO danged proud of all you readers!

Despite my sacred vow that you will never learn anything from my blog, when you found out here that actress Megan Fox has a quote from “King Lear” tattooed on her back, you made it the most popular post of the month!

All’s I can figure is, all you crazy Shakespeare lovers wanted to memorize the full quote!

Not only that, you were sensitive enough not to point out that this unfortunate woman seems to have little control over her tongue, which simply lolls around in many photos.

You’ve made me so proud. Group hug, everybody!

And now, your five favorite posts for September:

5.Wanna come back to my place, human?

4.Them flip-flops ain’t makin it, honey!

3. Major movie star goes nuts?

2. That picture is too EXTREME!

1. Learing at super-hot actress

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Above: Actress Megan Fox attends premiere of movie “Eagle Eye” in 2008 file photo. REUTERS/ Mario Anzuoni

Bottom: Fox, star of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”, poses at the film’s premiere in Los Angeles, June 22, 2009. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

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Boy Lonnie, you’ll be sorry you took those days off from the custom tailor shop.

Damn! I always miss the good stuff. Another weirdo, huh?

That doesn’t begin to cover it. This dude demanded huge full-color naked chicks sewn onto his jacket by the lapels.

Hah! One of those spoiled Los Angeles 11-year-old TV stars?

Nope. This was a grown-up, goin’ on his first date or whatever.

Figures. Let me guess. He was no George Clooney in the looks department?

Not even if Clooney had gangrene and an autopsy. Of course the jacket had to be…

Stop! Let me guess. Fire engine red?

Bingo!

Another huge surprise…

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Director Quentin Tarantino at the premiere of “Whip It” in Hollywood, California, September 29, 2009. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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Arnold: Who is your daddy and what does he do?

Sylvester: My old man, he was never too smart, he says to me, ‘You ain’t got much of a brain…’

Arnold: I remember days like this when my father took me to the forest and we ate wild blueberries…

Sylvester: Sometimes I wake up and I don’t know where I am…

Arnold: I’m your twin brother…

Sylvester: You know, you’re like a crazy brother to me…

Arnold: Your clothes … give them to me, now…

Sylvester: : I was wonderin’ if, uh, you wouldn’t mind marryin’ me very much…

Arnold: Your clothes … give them to me, now…

Sylvester: I think we make a real sharp couple of coconuts - I’m dumb, you’re shy, whaddaya think, huh?

Arnold: Your clothes … give them to me, now…

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Actor Sylvester Stallone (L) and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger at WBC Heavyweight Championship boxing bout in Los Angeles, September 26, 2009. REUTERS/Mike Blake

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