Blog Guy, I need Christmas gift shopping advice for my boyfriend. I want something really special. Help!

How about a new Beamer?

No, he already drives a Lexus and loves it.

Not a Bemer, a BEAMER! The hot new gadget this season is the Bikini Beamer 3000, which beams bikini-clad models right to his bachelor pad, in minutes.

LIVE women?

Sure. I think it would be pretty sick to beam in dead ones.

Gosh, I think my boyfriend would really like one of those. Bikini Beamer 3000, huh? Is it sold under any other name?

Well, since the photo caption says this model’s name is Virginia Labrador, I suppose it might also be called a…

No! Don’t go there, Blog Guy! Please!

A Labrador Retriever….

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Virginia Labrador as a contestant in the Miss Sevilla pageant, poses during a presentation in the Andalusian capital of Seville, Spain, November 17, 2009. REUTERS/Marcelo del Pozo

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Well fashion fans, it won’t be long now. It’s the evening of the big Victoria’s Secret annual holiday fashion show. I mean, most of YOU won’t see it today, because it won’t be aired for a couple of weeks, but we’ll have lots of still photos for you and if you flip through them real fast, it’s just like being there.

Meanwhile, the models have to finish getting prepared for the show.

Here, one of them is seen loading up on the six and a half calories she gets every day. I can’t quite tell what this slop is, but it’s not fried onion rings and doughnuts, I’ll tell you that.

If you look at the bottom edge of her plate, it looks as though she has scooted some kind of bean away from the rest of the food. No telling what kind of damage a bean can do.

Or maybe it’s just that she can’t quite lift it to her mouth.

Come back tomorrow, for full coverage.

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Model Caroline Winberg eats backstage at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in New York November 19, 2009. REUTERS/Carlo Allegri

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Blog Guy, you’ve written a lot in past years about your Christmas spirit and holiday mood, and this year I feel the same! Merry Christmas! What a joyous season! Eh?

Oh, I don’t know…

What are you talking about? It’s your favorite time of year! I thought nothing could dampen your spirit!

It’s just that I’ve seen something…. Something horrible. Something no human should ever have to watch.

I don’t care WHAT you saw, it shouldn’t douse the Christmas flame! Chestnuts on an open fire, sleigh rides, peace on earth…. Little children.

God bless us, every one! Buck up, Blog Guy!

Yeah, I suppose you’re right, friendly stranger. Say, would you mind clicking on this video below? Turn your volume way up….

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Blog Guy, what do you think of the huge musical news for this season?

It’s amazing, huh?

I’ll say! Who ever would have thought, a Bob Dylan Christmas CD!

Oh, that. I thought you were talking about those European soccer coaches recording all the great Righteous Brothers hits - “Unchained Melody,” “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feelin’,” etc… Those coaches can really belt it out.

Soccer coaches? Righteous Brothers? This is just too stupid, even for you!

Fine, but I’ve already pre-ordered mine. It’s a tribute to Phil Spector, the Righteous Brothers’ legendary producer who of course is now in prison for murder.

I’m sure I’ll regret this. I already do. What’s this Spector tribute CD called?

“Chained Melody,” of course.

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Top: FC Zurich’s coach Bernard Challandes reacts at the end of their Champions League soccer match against Olympique Marseille at the Velodrome Stadium in Marseille, November 3, 2009. REUTERS/Philippe Laurenson

Combo: Assorted soccer coaches and managers. REUTERS photos

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Blog Guy, I was happy to see you’ve officially kicked off  the holiday shopping season with that serial killer merchandise. 

As long as you’re in the mood to offer tips, what should I get for my nephew? He’s into gardening and Nazi politics? Any ideas?

You bet. try this place in Germany that seems to specialize in outdoor Hitler garden stuff. Does your nephew already have a garden gnome giving a Hitler salute?

Hmmm. I don’t believe so.  What a wonderful holiday idea. Do they sell these Hitler gnomes lots of places?

No, Führer and Führer these days…

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 Plastic garden dwarves with their arms outstretched in the stiff-armed Hitler salute, are pictured on the main square in Straubing, Germany, as part of the art installation ‘Dance with the Devil’ by German artist Ottmar Hoerl October 15, 2009. REUTERS/Michael Dalder

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The holidays are rushing at us, and if you’re like me, nothing says “Peace on Earth” like the topic of serial killers. So you’ll be happy to know that the 2010 Serial Killer Calendar is now available if you’re looking for a gift for Uncle Lamar, who broke out of maximum security and is knocking on your door with an ax.

I am not making this up. You really can get the calendar online, and at some pretty respectable bookshops.

But there’s other merchandise as well: Serial Killer Trading Cards, wall clocks bearing the faces of Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy and others, kitchen aprons with the faces of real cannibals… Again, not making this up.

James Gilks, owner of SerialKillerCalendar.com and the editor of Serial Killer Magazine, tells me there’s other stuff in the pipeline.

“In fact, we are in the process of printing a new line of Manson Family Energy Drinks called “Cult-a-Cola.” We are also working on a “Jim Jones Ghoul Aid.” Keep your eye out for that early next year,” Gilks says.

Personally, I think this dude is thinking WAY too small.

Where’s the “Jack the Ripper Bloody Mary Mix?” ” What about the Son of Sam Talking Dog Toy?”

The “Zodiac Killer Charm Bracelet?” Crap, where’s my “Vlad the Impaler Giant Ice Pick?”

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Please don’t let me be the only one who thinks this is ironic.

I’m reading financial stories this week, and suddenly I see this headline: “Credit limits, self-discipline threaten holiday sales.” Did I wander onto The Onion site?

I swear I’m not making this up. Damn you, self-discipline! Damn you, credit limits!

Like I guess nobody recalls 2009, when four billion Americans lost their homes, and you needed major clout just to get to the front of the long lines to declare bankruptcy.

Still, if this is the Orwellian logic we’re using now, I’m ready to play:

• “Narcotics enforcement, rehab programs threaten crack sales.”
• “Humane education, shelter adoptions threaten puppy mills”
• “Better nutrition, exercise threaten obesity reality shows”

Hey, this is kind of fun! Let’s see. Journalistic legwork, smart digging threaten shallow blogs…

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Above: Man wearing Santa Claus suit enjoys a meal outside a church during ‘The Festival of Homeless People’ in Berlin in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Tobias Schwarz

Left: Cast member Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy pose during a photocall to promote movie “A Christmas Carol” at the Cannes Film Festival, May 18, 2009. REUTERS/ Jean-Paul Pelissier

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Say, Roy, you got any kids?

Yeah, three. My daughter’s a professor at NYU, my son’s an economist, and my other son’s studying to be Satan. We’re real proud of…

Excuse me, Roy. Did you say Satan?

Yeah, they got a School for Satan over there someplace. It’s sort of like a Santa Claus deal - Satan has a lot of little helpers.

We’re talking about The Antichrist? Beelzebub? The Prince of Darkness?

Yeah, once they graduate they get jobs right away. The pay’s pretty good. Plus, they got a 666k retirement plan.

I had no idea. Did you get to see him over Christmas?

Nah, Christmas isn’t a big holiday for him. Plus, it’s hard for him to get through airport security. Turns out the name Satan is on a lot of lists, and what with that trident through his face and all…

I understand. And where did you say this school is?

You wouldn’t be familiar with it - it’s way out in the Styx.

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A man with syringes and a spike inserted through his skin performs during a show at a nightclub in Singapore, January 8, 2009. REUTERS/Vivek Prakash

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Blog Guy, you’re the person I always come to for fashion advice.

That’s pretty sad.

Anyway, my husband gave me a Japanese kimono for Christmas, and I’m not exactly sure where I could wear it.

I searched our photo files for the past couple of days, and it turns out there are two things you can do with a kimono. First, you can put it on your dog.

Oh crud. So now I have to get a dog?

Not necessarily. You can also wear it underwater and swim with eels.

Dogs or eels? That’s it? Anything else I should do?

Yeah, maybe cut up your husband’s credit card.

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A dog in a “Kimono” accompanies her owner on a visit  to a temple in Tokyo, January 1, 2009. REUTERS/ Kim Kyung-Hoon

Diver clad in Japanese kimono swims with an eel at Sunshine International Aquarium in Tokyo, December 31, 2008. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
When all of a sudden I said, “What the hell?”
At the sound of a landing artillery shell!

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
And quickly I spotted the source of the fuss,
It was Santa Claus firing a cannon at us!

He laughed like a nutjob and continued his work,
And aiming again, gave his lanyard a jerk,
Then I heard jolly Santa barking an order,
And the reindeer rolled up with a Howitzer Mortar…

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And they figured the angle for a small guided missile,
But I heard him explain, as he cackled and cursed, 
“It’s more fun to knock all the chimneys down first!!!”

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Father Frost, the Russian equivalent of Santa, fires a cannon during welcoming ceremony at Peter and Pawel Fortress in St. Petersburg, December 27, 2008. REUTERS/ Alexander Demianchuk

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