Dear Auntie Charlene,

I hope your Christmas was as nice as ours. Thank you SO much for the thick padded pajamas, which will really help keep me warm through these cold Miami nights.

And thanks, too, for the dog you sent for the kids. Imagine our surprise when we opened that big crate!

How the children laughed and laughed when Rex smelled those t-bones you sewed into my jammies!

Eventually, officers had to come and drag Rex away from me, and they were pretty impressed by how quickly we had bonded.

Auntie, I have sent you a belated Christmas present, from a place down here called the Everglades. It will come in a 12-foot-long box, and you should open it alone in a small dark room. Enjoy!

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Indian army soldier is attacked by a dog as part of an exercise during an exhibition at Akhnoor, India, December 27, 2008. REUTERS/Amit Gupta

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Honey, I’m running out to buy a Santa hat. I’ll be back in a few.

Wait, sweetie! Will you pick me up some cigarettes?

Come on. I don’t want to make TWO stops!

You don’t have to! That guy over at 8th and Main sells both things. It’s one-stop shopping.

You’re right! But I just remembered we also need chocolate chips and motor oil.

Oh, that would be the guy at 12th and MacArthur! Say hi for me!

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A Zimbabwean man sells cigarettes and Christmas hats on the streets of the capital Harare December 25, 2008. REUTERS/Philimon Bulawayo

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Back in better days, if there was one thing on Earth that was safe, it was a snow globe. As long as you didn’t smash it with a ball-peen hammer, stuff the shards of glass into your mouth and chew them, you were fine.

Those days are gone. About 7,000 jumbo snow globes have just been recalled by  the Hallmark Cards folks.

How were they able to engineer danger into the simple concept of a snow globe?  I’m glad you asked. It turns out if you put their globes near sunlight and have combustible materials close by, a fire could start.

I’m not making this up. There have already been two reports of this happening.

So if you bought one, until you get a chance to return it, close all your curtains, cover it with duct tape and thick wool army blankets, and take all your piles of gasoline-soaked cotton as far away as possible. Merry Christmas!

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A jumbo-sized snow globe from Hallmark is shown in this handout photo. REUTERS/U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission/Handout

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If you’re like me, nothing makes you think of the Holy Land like donkey poop.

I mean, the donkeys are right there in the Nativity story, and where there are donkeys, there is, you know, leftover evidence of donkeys.

So, for a special souvenir of a visit to this special place, why not buy Holy Land donkey dung sealed in plastic, as seen in these actual photos taken near Nazareth?

Of course, being a skeptic by profession, I have to wonder what sort of regulatory system applies to the region’s tourism business.

* Is this all GENUINE Holy Land donkey poop?

* Could some of it be imported from Chinese donkeys?

* Could this just be worthless imitation donkey poop?

* Could it be from other beasts or…well, don’t go there.

Anyway, I’ll probably order some for gifts, but I’m going to want to see some kind of government certification.

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Donkey dung sealed in plastic is displayed in Kfar Kedem in the Israeli village of Hoshaya, near the northern town of Nazareth December 22, 2008. The donkey dung is sold as a souvenir from the Holy Land. REUTERS/Baz Ratner

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Blog Guy, I have 35 seconds to spare. Show me something really peculiar to put me in the holiday mood.

I have just the thing for you. Check out 35 seconds of video of this couple that decorated their hedge to look like a Christmas pudding.

That’s just ridiculous! What’s that topping made of?

Maybe rubber. Yes, it looks like it could be rubbery shrubbery.

Stop it! I bet this cost a lot. Where would they get the money for a thing like that?

A hedge fund, I believe.

A hedge fund. I get it. I don’t know why I ever come here!

Probably because you feel so good when you get to leave…

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Blog Guy, I know you sometimes do fantasy photos for your readers. Do you have any money left in your 2008 budget?

Some, and I have to spend it by December 31. What do you have in mind?

A guy riding a bicycle underwater.

I should be able to manage that.

Hey, not so fast. I want him dressed as Santa Claus.

You’re very weird. Anything else?

Can you throw in a live shark?

You know what sharks cost in December? Oh, okay.

Can he be holding a waterproof copy of Dogs Playing Poker?

Sorry, that puts me over-budget. Just take this and shut up.

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A diver in a Santa Claus costume rides a bicycle in a shark aquarium at Jakarta’s Sea World, December 19, 2008.  REUTERS/Supri

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Blog Guy, please help settle an argument with my boyfriend. Is it proper to tip bloggers at Christmas?

Absolutely! I checked with advice columnists, and the list for holiday gifts includes doormen, mailmen, trash collectors, bloggers and hair stylists.

Gosh, I didn’t know! How much should I tip my favorite bloggers?

It’s like waiters. Usually 15-20 percent.

Uh, 15 to 20 percent of what?

Good point. Well, I would just try to imagine how bleak and meaningless your life would be without your favorite blogs, and let your conscience be your guide.

Apart from money are there other appropriate gifts?

Sure. Gold bars, gold jewelery, fresh doughnuts, gold coins, gold watches. A vacant Senate seat is nice, too.

Vacant Senate seat? Hey, this sounds like some kind of a scam!

You can’t blame a blogger for trying…

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Above: Gold bars. REUTERS/Arnd Wiegmann

Below: A tray of fresh doughnuts at a Tokyo Krispy Kreme shop in 2006 file photo. REUTERS/ Toshiyuki Aizawa

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I have a holiday tradition going back, oh, one year, in which I offer up some bummer holiday tales to manage the emotions of folks like me who are giddy with the love of the season.

I’ve retooled my list and checked it twice, and here is the newest crop of seasonal stories designed to bring you back down to Earth.

If anybody wants to turn these into a cute little illustrated book or maybe a calendar, I’m sure we can work something out…

I’m Santa! Ho ho hold your fire!

Mayday! We have a Santa situation!

But Santa! You can’t swim!

Put your hands where Santa can see ‘em, kid!

Maybe Santa’s not chubby, he’s just wearing Kevlar

Billy, when Christmas is over we’ll start your therapy!

Joey, don’t open those shutters!

Don’t look up the chimney, kids…

Got your Santa suit? No, the other kind…

Santa salutes Christmas…or something…

Protester dressed as Santa Claus is arrested by police in front of the official residence of Canadian Prime Minister in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Christopher Pike

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My opinion of wax museums is no secret. I fail to get the entertainment value of life-size statues of famous people who look like they were recently embalmed.

Whatever, these photos here are so freakish they skid across the line into surrealism. We see live women dressed as angels, flirting with a wax George Clooney, who is dressed as a Santa.

I personally enjoy thinking that these women, who don’t get out much, thought they were posing with the REAL George Clooney. I think they were told that the actor was in a coma as a result of a traumatic Christmas goose accident, and that if they flirted with him he might emerge from it.

This is the only story line that works to explain these photos in my universe.

Waxworks slideshow

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Women wearing Christmas angels costumes pose with a  wax figure of actor George Clooney which is dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, at the German ‘Madame Tussauds’ in Berlin December 5, 2008. REUTERS/Hannibal Hanschke

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When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
As Santa ran inside to empty his bladder!

Oh, get over it. We’re all adults here, right?

When you take a typical elderly gentleman, give him 200 million glasses of milk and then make him work all night, it isn’t just the Christmas bells that are going to go tinkle!

This is why really, really smart little boys and girls, who want a really, really jolly Santa, hang a map to their family bathroom over the fireplace.

And, truth be told, this is why the number one top person on Santa’s NAUGHTY list is any photographer who snaps him doing this.

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A man dressed as Saint Nicholas uses a restroom during a break at a Christmas market in Hamburg, Germany, December 6, 2008. REUTERS/ Christian Charisius

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