Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Another blitz, Blitzen!

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
When all of a sudden I said, “What the hell?”
At the sound of a landing artillery shell!

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
And quickly I spotted the source of the fuss,
It was Santa Claus firing a cannon at us!

He laughed like a nutjob and continued his work,
And aiming again, gave his lanyard a jerk,
Then I heard jolly Santa barking an order,
And the reindeer rolled up with a Howitzer Mortar…

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And they figured the angle for a small guided missile,
But I heard him explain, as he cackled and cursed, 
“It’s more fun to knock all the chimneys down first!!!”

Snarley and Me…

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Dear Auntie Charlene,

I hope your Christmas was as nice as ours. Thank you SO much for the thick padded pajamas, which will really help keep me warm through these cold Miami nights.

And thanks, too, for the dog you sent for the kids. Imagine our surprise when we opened that big crate!

Jolly old Saint Nicotine!

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Honey, I’m running out to buy a Santa hat. I’ll be back in a few.

Wait, sweetie! Will you pick me up some cigarettes?

Come on. I don’t want to make TWO stops!

You don’t have to! That guy over at 8th and Main sells both things. It’s one-stop shopping.

You’re right! But I just remembered we also need chocolate chips and motor oil.

Behold, the face of pure evil!

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Back in better days, if there was one thing on Earth that was safe, it was a snow globe. As long as you didn’t smash it with a ball-peen hammer, stuff the shards of glass into your mouth and chew them, you were fine.

Those days are gone. About 7,000 jumbo snow globes have just been recalled by  the Hallmark Cards folks.

Just which species made these feces?

If you’re like me, nothing makes you think of the Holy Land like donkey poop.

I mean, the donkeys are right there in the Nativity story, and where there are donkeys, there is, you know, leftover evidence of donkeys.

Pudding up the decorations

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Blog Guy, I have 35 seconds to spare. Show me something really peculiar to put me in the holiday mood.

I have just the thing for you. Check out 35 seconds of video of this couple that decorated their hedge to look like a Christmas pudding.

We lose more Santas this way…

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Blog Guy, I know you sometimes do fantasy photos for your readers. Do you have any money left in your 2008 budget?

Some, and I have to spend it by December 31. What do you have in mind?

A guy riding a bicycle underwater.

I should be able to manage that.

Hey, not so fast. I want him dressed as Santa Claus.

You’re very weird. Anything else?

Can you throw in a live shark?

You know what sharks cost in December? Oh, okay.

Can he be holding a waterproof copy of Dogs Playing Poker?

Sorry, that puts me over-budget. Just take this and shut up.

Be somebody. Join the Oddly Enough blog network!

A diver in a Santa Claus costume rides a bicycle in a shark aquarium at Jakarta’s Sea World, December 19, 2008.  REUTERS/Supri

A tip to avoid embarrassment…

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Blog Guy, please help settle an argument with my boyfriend. Is it proper to tip bloggers at Christmas?

Absolutely! I checked with advice columnists, and the list for holiday gifts includes doormen, mailmen, trash collectors, bloggers and hair stylists.

Yule be sorry! On, Downer and Blitzen!

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santa-300.jpgI have a holiday tradition going back, oh, one year, in which I offer up some bummer holiday tales to manage the emotions of folks like me who are giddy with the love of the season.

I’ve retooled my list and checked it twice, and here is the newest crop of seasonal stories designed to bring you back down to Earth.

Georgie, come out of that nasty old coma!

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My opinion of wax museums is no secret. I fail to get the entertainment value of life-size statues of famous people who look like they were recently embalmed.

Whatever, these photos here are so freakish they skid across the line into surrealism. We see live women dressed as angels, flirting with a wax George Clooney, who is dressed as a Santa.