Oddly Enough Blog

Coming soon, the Sound of Stupid…

Blog Guy, I just heard about an exciting project involving your blog. Can you confirm it?

Yes, the last two years of my blog postings are being released as Blogs on Tape, so folks can listen to them in the car, on dates, during court arraignments, whenever.

That’s great! I know it’s important to get the voices right on these audio things. Who are you using?

We assembled a stellar audio team. Actor George Clooney does Blog Guy. Here you can see him cracking up during a recording session, trying to deliver the line, “What do I look like, an ornithologist?” He just loved the material.

Wow, that’s quite a coup! And the all-important voice of your sidekick, Lamar?

That would be Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, seen here playing off of Clooney’s straight lines with his over-the-top wacky rejoinders.

Get out your dimes, it’s midnight!

Blog Guy, if my calendar is correct, you’ve got a major event coming up?

Yes, the celebrated Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop, here in Washington DC, is ready to launch our big new season the day after Labor Day.

I just don’t understand that. I always thought the big tourist season is in the summer.

You’ll have to ask the museum’s marketing director, Lamar. It’s something about wanting to avoid having crowds. It’s the same reason we’re only open from midnight to 6 a.m., and why the $20 admission must be paid in dimes. “Anything you can do to keep the tourists  away,” Lamar says.

But anyway, our intrepid night owl visitors, their pockets sagging with coins, will find some nice new exhibits this year, such as our glitzy tributes to actor George Clooney and Vice President Joe Biden.

That’s very cool, but it looks like your best new Goofy Face portrait acquisition is musician Neil Young. Trust me, Blog Guy, that’s a show-stopper!

The top 10 posts for a goofy June…

June was a very good month for the blog. Our traffic statistics showed that readers flocked to information they could use, along with our hard-hitting exposés of, you know, stuff.

We suggested a Father’s Day gift Dad will never forget, we told you how the rich and powerful manage to look better than you do, and we even told you how to get George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend. Maybe.

We warned you about a very bad idea for a contest, and a retail shopping trend that needs to be stopped quickly.

Did anybody else bring you both the world’s cutest bear AND the secret message on Sarah Palin’s palm? No wonder this is the blog you can’t do without.

Here were my 10 most popular posts for June:

10. The very worst contest idea ever?

Let’s practice those pickup lines, boys!

I think I have some pretty good news here, and right now I’m talking to you single guys.

The woman in these photos just split with her boyfriend and is now back in the dating pool. She’s on the rebound and vulnerable, so here’s your chance.

Oh, just one thing. She’s been dating actor George Clooney for two years. He’s your most recent competition.

That’s right, all you need is a pickup line persuading her you’re better than Clooney, and she’s all yours. Oh, and I guess you have to get her to actually listen to you while she’s getting the pepper spray out of her purse.

Here are some that might work, but feel free to come up with your own:

• I hope you don’t go in for those slick, perfect, intelligent, rock-jawed, rich, charismatic, Hollywood pretty boys…
• Well honey, I guess now it’s either me or Brad Pitt. Do you see him here?
• I’ll have $4 million as soon as it gets here from Nigeria…
• I know a guy that can get that tattoo off your arm…
• Check it out! I can wiggle my ears!
• Hop on! Once you ride a Vespa, there’s no turnin’ back!
• Hey cutie, call me if you lose a couple of pounds!

Will the Oscar be decided by looks again?

Blog Guy, as a Hollywood insider, who do you think will get Best Actor at the Oscars this weekend?

I don’t do predictions, but I can steer readers in a useful direction. For years, there has been a tradition that the actors with classic Hollywood good looks lose, and some goofy-looking guy wins.

Really? I had no idea!

Sure. Last year that scroungy Sean Penn won for “Milk,” beating out heartthrob Brad Pitt. A year earlier, Daniel Day-Lewis beat George Clooney and Johnny Depp, two of the sexiest men alive.

Before that, Forest Whitaker beat Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith, and a year before that, wait for it, Philip Seymour Hoffman beat Heath Ledger!

That’s an amazing perspective.

Sing it LOUD, George!

Blog Guy, I want to get in on that fantasy service you have for readers. Got any money left in this year’s budget?

Yeah, but it’s going fast. what do you want? Hurry up!

Um, um, okay, I wanna see actor George Clooney singing that Carley Simon classic “You’re So Vain.” Can you arrange that?

Sure thing. Here you go, ma’am.

Wait a minute. That’s just a picture. There’s no sound with it. This is bogus!

You just said you wanted to “see” it. Look, I feel badly about this misunderstanding, so you can have one more fantasy wish. How about, let’s see, Michelle Obama in a viking outfit, eating a turkey drumstick?

We can find her for you, George!

Blog Guy, what do you think it’s like being George Clooney? I bet it’s pretty neat!

You have a real way with words, stranger. I’m guessing “pretty neat” is accurate.

Take these shots of Clooney arriving by speedboat in Venice yesterday. It was like in the 90s in Italy, but he’s totally fresh looking.

Actually, it was in the mid-70s in Italy. You’re probably thinking of India.

Italy, India, whatever. Anyway, I hear when Clooney goes someplace all he has to do is describe the sort of woman he wants, and they just bring her to him.

Is that really true?

I think so. Look at the photo below from when he was in Italy in July. What else could he possibly be talking about?

Georgie, come out of that nasty old coma!

My opinion of wax museums is no secret. I fail to get the entertainment value of life-size statues of famous people who look like they were recently embalmed.

Whatever, these photos here are so freakish they skid across the line into surrealism. We see live women dressed as angels, flirting with a wax George Clooney, who is dressed as a Santa.

I personally enjoy thinking that these women, who don’t get out much, thought they were posing with the REAL George Clooney. I think they were told that the actor was in a coma as a result of a traumatic Christmas goose accident, and that if they flirted with him he might emerge from it.

This is the only story line that works to explain these photos in my universe.

Waxworks slideshow

What if his face freezes like that?

Okay Blog Guy, I enjoyed your advice on how average guys can look just like George Clooney, but I’m outraged over that Clooney photo you used in your blog, with his eyes all googly and everything! It was horrible!

On behalf of loyal Clooney fans everywhere, I DEMAND that you publish a different picture of this extremely handsome man!

Sure thing. Here you go.

Join the Facebook Oddly Enough Network

Actor George Clooney poses at the Film Festival in Venice, Italy, August 27, 2008. REUTERS/Max Rossi

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Wow, you’re even better-looking in person!

Blog Guy, can you please settle a bet for me and my friends? Who is the best-looking guy in the world today?

Women tell me it’s George Clooney, for sure.

Cool. Then what can other guys do to look more like him?

Well, the main thing is the suit. A dude like that spends four, maybe five hundred bucks on a single suit, so of course he’s going to look great. Oh. And wear a tie, too.

A nice suit and tie? That’s his secret?

Pretty much, but to really clinch the deal, you should tape this picture of Clooney next to your bathroom mirror and practice looking like him. You know, do funny stuff with your eyes, make a Hollywood smile… In no time, women will start thinking you’re him, just like they do with me.