Memo to World Leaders:

It’s President Bush’s last big summit meeting, and we’re going to play a great gag on him at the G20 in Washington! This is going to be a laugh-riot!

Please pay attention. You’ll all come together for the Official Group Photo, see, but just before the photographer takes it, everybody will shrug and walk away, leaving the President there all by himself!

Now, can everybody please make sure the French guy, Sarkozy, reads this memo? He always messes up these gags, and we don’t want him to be the only one who doesn’t play along!

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President George W. Bush (C) remains in place as various world leaders come back for a second group photo at the G20 Summit on Financial Markets and the World Economy, in Washington, November 15, 2008. REUTERS/Jason Reed

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Right, so the first chap says, “Knock-knock,” and then the other fellow says to his butler, “Go and see who that is…”

No, hang on, that’s not right. The fellow shouts, “I say, who is there?”

Well no, actually the chap must get up and walk from his library to the door in order to shout through it, if you see what I’m saying.

So then, the fellow - you haven’t already heard this one, have you? He says, “It’s Archie!” And then the chap says, “Which Archie?” Now here’s the jolly good bit…

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Above: Britain’s Prince Charles in Japan, October 27, 2008. REUTERS/Toru Hana

Below: Prince Charles arrives at a Muslim boarding school in Yogyakarta November 4, 2008. Prince Charles is in Yogyakarta as part of a five-day visit to Indonesia. REUTERS/Dwi Oblo

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Blog Guy, President Bush said again today North Korea is still in the Axis of Evil. Does that mean they’re all evil, all the time, or do they get a break on weekends?

No, nobody’s evil all the time. For instance, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il loves to entertain his troops with a stand-up comedy act, which is mostly impressions. Here he’s saying, “I think Roy Orbison in a safari shirt would go something like this…”

Apart from Orbison, Kim also does Babe Ruth, Eleanor Roosevelt and  Donald Trump. Of course, nobody in North Korea has ever heard of any of those folks, but they sure do seem to enjoy his act, don’t they?

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North Korean leader Kim Jong-il (R) visits a military unit at an undisclosed location in North Korea in this recent picture released by KCNA on August 6, 2008. REUTERS/KCNA

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A university has just published a list of supposedly the world’s oldest jokes . They are not funny, not even close.

But what is interesting is that the very oldest one, going back 4,000 years, uses the word fart. This will come as no surprise to 10-year-old boys, who know that without bodily functions there can be no humor.

The second-oldest joke involves an Egyptian pharaoh and a boatload of nearly nude women. I am not making this up. I suspect archaeologists didn’t even realize it was a joke at all, until they translated the rest of the hieroglyphic on the slab shown here.

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful audience. I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.”

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Egyptian pharaoh Tutankhamun’s canopy coffinette, which originally contained the pharaoh’s stomach, is seen at the opening of an exhibition in Vienna, March 7, 2008. REUTERS/Herwig Prammer

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Blog Guy, I read your post about the G8 Summit yesterday. I heard that two of the leaders did a famous comedy routine. Could that be true?

Sort of. President Bush tried to teach a variation of the famous Abbott and Costello ”Who’s on first?” sketch to China’s President Hu. But when they did the bit live, Bush asked, ”Who’s on first?” and Hu just said “I am?” It went downhill from there.

Actually, the big hit at G8 Comedy Sketch Night was French President Sarkozy trying to do a fist bump with Brazil’s president. It brought down the house.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy (L) welcomes Brazil’s President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva to a photo opportunity at the G8 Summit in Toyako, Japan, July 9, 2008.

U.S. President George W. Bush laughs with Chinese President Hu Jintao at the Summit, July 9, 2008.

REUTERS photos by Jim Young

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We’ve lamented the scourge of Hollywood remaking classic films many times. Tacky updates of The Great Escape, The Birds and others. Well, it makes even less sense to tamper with great moments from the golden age of television.

Any list of classic early TV scenes is bound to include Lucy and Ethel on the chocolate line. So, imagine my chagrin at seeing footage from an apparent cable TV effort to recreate this iconic sketch.

Sorry, these guys just DON’T get it. Here’s a hint, folks, the conveyor is supposed to SPEED UP. That’s the comedy! What you have here is just eight minutes of workers wrapping bonbons and talking about miniature schnauzers. I laughed maybe four times, tops. I bet they’d do the Vitameatavegamin scene with MINERAL water!

Related post: Tape the chandelier to my head, Fred

(above) TV grab from original “I Love Lucy” show.

(below) Workers oversee a chocolate line at the Harry & David factory in Medford, Oregon May 16, 2008. REUTERS/Adam Tanner

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Blog Guy,

My boyfriend says the hottest new thing is zombie comedy clubs. Is this true?

Yes. Just because they’re zombies doesn’t mean they don’t want to be entertained. Indeed, modern zombies make up the largest single demographic for reality TV shows.

If you decide to go to a zombie club, some things to remember:

• If you see people lurching, don’t say “Geez, are THEY hammered!” They probably aren’t.
• Don’t make smalltalk about sucking blood. That’s a whole different group of creeps.
• Zombie humor can be tedious. The punchline to every joke is “And then I ate their brains!”
• Whatever you do, DON’T order the house chili!

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Members of laughter clubs participate in rally to commemorate  “World Laughter Day” in Chandigarh, India, May 4, 2008.  REUTERS/Ajay Verma

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St. Domenico was the patron saint of people bitten by snakes, see, so every year these townspeople thank him by covering his statue with writhing, slithering, fang-showing, tongue-darting snakes.

Then everybody jams themselves so close to the snake-draped statue that they can’t move at all.

But anyhow, here’s the guy I love. He’s right next to the statue, hitting his head Homer Simpson-style. You can see him just starting to do the math. I figure the next photo in the sequence, which I sadly lack, is probably a masterpiece of physical comedy.

Slithering slideshow…    Video report:

Snakes cover a wooden statue at the beginning of the St. Domenico procession in Cocullo, Italy May 1, 2008. REUTERS/Max Rossi

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Blog Guy, as a respected military historian, can you explain where various armies get their marching styles, uniforms, salutes and so on?

Good question. It varies. The military in your richer, better-known nations hire experts to adapt the best traditions and give them a unique and stirring pomp and pageantry.

Ah. But what about those other countries we’ve never heard of?

Oh well, that’s anybody’s freaking guess! I’ve read some of them just rent old comedy videos for their inspiration. This clip may shed more light: Ministry of Silly Walks

(small photo: Monty Python screen shot)

A soldier marches during rehearsal for May 9 Victory Day parade in Dushanbe, Tajikistan, April 23, 2008. REUTERS/Nozim Kalandarov

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Dear Blog Guy,
I’ve seen that you sometimes track down hard-to-find pictures and video for people, and I really have a challenge for you. I have a list of extremely unlikely combinations of people I’d love to see together, and it would be totally awesome if you could arrange for any of my top three combinations:

• Winona Judd and Muammar Gaddafi
• J.D. Salinger and Evil Knievel

• The guy who played J.J. on “Good Times,” and that columnist Ann Coulter

Waiting to be Dazzled

Well, Waiting, it took a lot of hard work, but I think you’re going to be very impressed:

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Jimmie ‘J.J.’ Walker, best known for his work on the comedy series “Good Times”, and columnist Ann Coulter pose together backstage at the taping of the 5th Annual TV Land Awards in Santa Monica, California April 14, 2007. REUTERS/Max Morse