Oddly Enough Blog

Out of the frying pan and into the fryer…

Blog Guy, I can’t wait any longer! Has the Williams-Sonoma December catalog arrived yet? I need to get ready for the big holidays!

Yes, and naturally I was drawn to page 120, the Breville Deep Fryer, $149.95. That’s what I want for holiday entertaining, right? I mean, what says, I care about my family’s health better than immersing their food in oil? Especially with those recent studies showing we all need to raise our cholesterol levels.

Um, Blog Guy, you are just being sarcastic here, right? Sometimes I can’t tell.

Yes, of course. Try to keep up.

But if I DO want a deep fryer, this is the one to get, right?

No, I’m afraid this is the one for sissies. The one you want is on the Williams-Sonoma Website, the Timber Ridge Backyard Host Deep Fryer, just $699.95.

Whack it with a hammer, dude, I’m hungry!

Blog Guy, you haven’t shared any of those fancy Williams-Sonoma items recently, the ones for foodies with too much money. Don’t they have a new catalog out?

They do indeed, and I recommend you try making their clay chicken.

Clay chicken? Isn’t the phrase CLAY PIGEON?

Nope, this is something they call a “fun and easy way to cook chicken.” It involves two chickens and nine pounds of clay, which hardens around the meat during the process. Then, when you’re ready to serve it, you slam it with a big mallet to crack the clay open.

No, you don’t.

Yes, you do.

Eating healthy for peanuts?

Blog Guy, so we’ve established that you lost some weight recently. I found your health tips helpful, but could you be more specific about what you ate?

Sure. I ate everything with a pulse.

So you went on an all-meat diet?

No, no, I mean pulse as in the edible seeds of certain legumes. Peas, beans, lentils, peanuts. VERY healthful stuff.

Oh right. I saw that movie “Lentil,” with Barbra Streisand.

That was YENTL. Try to focus here. Look, I’m talking about a legume.

Why is our waitress twirling a baton?

Blog Guy, I love going out to restaurants, but I enjoy being surrounded by beautiful women. I find standards are falling in that area lately.

You don’t sound like a terribly evolved person.

No, I’m as shallow as they come. So is there someplace I can go where my sensitivities won’t be offended?

You’re in luck. It turns out a bunch of beauty pageant contestants have opened a restaurant staffed by nothing but beauty queens. It’s called “Panache with a Sash.”

Wow, that’s just what I’m looking for! Do the waitresses dress well?

Of course. You may request the Ballgown Section or the Swimsuit Section.

I’ll have the Satan Sandwich, sugar-coated!

Blog Guy, I know you keep up with food trends, and I saw mention of a mouth-watering treat while reading all the stories about the debt crisis…

I’ll bet you’re talking about the chairman of the Congressional Black Caucus, who called the debt deal a “sugar-coated Satan sandwich.”

That’s it! Can we make that at home?

I believe it calls for deviled ham, cooked over a bottomless pit of eternal hell-fire, so it’s difficult.

Damnation!

You could always order the Williams-Sonoma Brimstone Broiler, $666.95. The sugar-coater is extra.

Presenting the Caribou Smoker Royale!

Blog Guy, you’ve been very good about helping us find solutions to those tough household chores in the past, and I have some more questions.

Gosh, all I ever really do is point you in the direction of expensive Williams-Sonoma gadgets.

I like to serve shrimp in the summer, but I find they lack color. People want shrimp that are a nice, healthy pink.

That’s an easy one. Get yourself the Williams-Sonoma Shellmaster 3000, to paint a healthy glow onto shrimp, lobsters, oysters, all kinds of shellfish, as you can see on the right. It comes with a gallon of pink paint, just $399.95.

Is that paint safe to eat?

I guess so, it’s only lead.

The hot new pet for the rich and famous?

Blog Guy, what’s the latest “in” pet for celebrities to have? Are they still carrying those tiny dogs in their purses?

No, small dogs are SO over! These days, the rich and famous go everywhere with their pet lobsters, as you can see here with the Duchess of Cambridge, Sarah Palin, Martha Stewart…

Lobsters? They’re not very cute.

That’s your opinion. But for today’s celebs, a big perk is getting their lobster paid for by the studio or whatever. Many have a claws in their contracts.

I’ll ignore that. When did lobsters suddenly become so popular?

After that incredible one in Germany predicted the World Cup results last year.

Where could this have come from?

Jeez, Lamar!

What is it, Boss?

There’s a really, really long, gross, black hair in my lunch! Where the hell did you go for this take-out?

Uttar Pradesh, Boss! I know a really cheap roadside stall there.

But that’s in…  Well, I guess it certainly explains why it took you four days to get back here to Orlando with it.

I’m surprised you’re not enjoying the food, Boss. My friend, Floyd, takes good care of me, and he’s there all the time, cooking, combing his moustache, cooking, combing his moustache, cooking, combing his moustache…

So there isn’t a Toaster Pastry Diet?

Okay, we already know there are a lot of really stupid people out there, but it may be time to recalibrate my measuring scale.

I just clicked on an item headlined “8 Foods to Banish from your Diet,” expecting it would offer some surprise foods that have more calories than most people think.

The first item on their list? Stick margarine. And there I was, snacking on a big old stick of trans fats clutched in my oily hand.

So that explains why I’m gaining weight, and also why my computer keyboard is pretty gross.

I mean really? Does this come as news to anybody?

It gets worse. This article then goes on to warn us about sodas, movie-theater popcorn, hot dogs, deep-dish pizza and whole milk. Well crap, that’s pretty much my entire grocery list, right there.

Why is there garlic on our ceiling, Honey?

Hey Blog Guy, I know you love to cook and sometimes share culinary secrets.

Do you have a good recipe for homemade pesto? It’s the BEST sauce with fresh linguine!

I spoke to an Italian chef, and I think I can help you out. You’ll need a butt-load of fresh basil, some parmesan, pine nuts, garlic and olive oil. I’m going to make a trial batch in my own kitchen while I write this.

I really appreciate it, Blog Guy. Okay, then what?

Now, the chef said the key to pulverizing the basil properly is, you need a mortar and pistol.

Excuse me? I need a piece of army field artillery and a handgun?

It surprised me, too. I was able to find my mortar at a rebel gun show in Libya. I thought it was strange that even Williams-Sonoma doesn’t sell a mortar and pistol combo. Seems like they’re missing a good opportunity.