Oddly Enough Blog

Okay, so maybe it’s a strange hobby…

Blog Guy, I hate to bother you, but I need your help with something.

Sure, that’s what I’m here for.

See, I maintain an extensive world map with color-coded pins showing everywhere Paris Hilton has been in the last 10 years, you know, day by day.

Really? Then I don’t think I can give you the kind of help it sounds like you need.

So anyway, due to some unfortunate binge drinking-related blackouts, I seem to be missing a few key dates. For instance, August 8, 2004.

Let’s have a look in my photo archive. Bingo! Here she is, driving a pickup truck in Los Angeles.

Step right up for the Creep Show Hall of Fame!

Blog Guy, I know it’s only November, but I’m wondering how you’re coming along in your search for the blog’s coveted Creep Show of the Year Award.

Oh, don’t worry about that, it’s a done deal. It’s a Creep-o-Rama, Creep-a-Palooza…

See, Russian police have arrested a man described by local media as the “cemetery collector” for digging up 29 corpses and dressing the remains in female clothing to display around his apartment.

Holy Crap! Do we know anything about the guy?

Well, friends described him as “eccentric.”

Are you making that up?

When the chips are down, in Wackytown

Say, Blog Guy, I keep reading about those group tours you organize to that place you call Wackytown, the goofiest place on earth.

Right, that’s Krasnoyarsk, in Siberia. Think you’d like to join us on a trip? We’ve got a gambling junket coming up. Why waste your time in Las Vegas when you can go to a Wackytown casino?

Gambling, huh? That sounds like fun, but I also like to keep fit when I’m on vacation.

Then this is the place for you! You can go right from the slopes to the casino without even taking off your ski mask, as you can see here!

Plus, they encourage patrons to take breaks for calisthenics, under the close supervision of personal trainers. Look at these folks doing crunches and sit-ups.

Wait just a bleeping minute. Are you INSANE, Blog Guy? Those are cops arresting gamblers in those pictures. That’s a fricking police RAID!

Bear number four, step up and growl…

Here’s something  you don’t find every day. My Washington Post tells me a guy drove his car off a road and into a canal here in the nation’s capital. The man, who was charged with driving under the influence, told police he had seen a bear.

* * * * * * * * * *

Mr. Johnson, we’re gonna have to ask you some questions. It’s just routine.

But Offisher, I’m cold and wet and I’ve had a few…

Now, Mr. Johnson, you say you saw a bear and then you drove into the canal. Can you describe it?

Um, it was big, and real scary.

Maybe the worst idea EVER?

People ask me where I get all the stupid stuff in this blog, and I have to say, honestly, the best of it is straight out of the news.

Here’s an example. According to an Associated Press story, officials in Georgia are considering saving money by putting prisoners in fire stations.

According to the story, the inmates would respond to all emergencies, including residential fires, alongside “traditional” firefighters.

I guess “traditional” in this sense means men and women who haven’t been convicted of a felony.

The story also says the “traditional” firefighters, who apparently don’t have enough to do in the middle of a roaring blaze, would be trained to guard the inmates working with them.

I am not making this up.

I Hope You’re Proud Of Yourself!

Hey Blog Guy, it’s September 14th. This is the day you announce the coveted annual I Hope You’re Proud Of Yourself! award.

Yes, I’m sorry for the delay. I was all set to give this year’s trophy to the folks at that Tea Party presidential debate on Monday.

You mean those morons who shouted that an uninsured guy should just be allowed to die? Good choice, Blog Guy!

Not so fast. Then I read about Steven Levine.

Who?

Maybe you’ve heard about the various programs around the country such as Four Legged Advocates, in which very special dogs are used to comfort children who have to testify in court cases.

Repeat after me, “Fill the bag with money!”

Blog Guy, you know that odd city in Siberia that you call Wackytown? I’d like to visit it on one of your organized tours, but I’m wondering how many people there speak English?

You’re talking about Krasnoyarsk. I do know they do have English Language classes at a high security prison camp.

Really? What sort of English are they teaching to prison inmates?

Well, here on the right is a chart used in the class. You can see useful words such as disarrange, unhappy, misinform… You know, as in, “If you misinform me I will be unhappy, and I shall have to disarrange your face!”

Yikes! Is that a good idea? Are they teaching them whole phrases, too?

Let’s blow up a section of the chart, and see. Class, repeat after me, “Must I go to the BANK? We haven’t got any MONEY.”

Are those Tic Tacs, or you got a rattlesnake in your pants?

Blog Guy, I’m looking for some of your sage career advice. I enjoy travel, working with animals, and maybe a little danger. Any ideas?

Have you considered the glamorous world of snake smuggling?

No, I haven’t. What does that involve?

The usual. Ladies’ hosiery, probably some duct tape, and, you know, snakes.

Cool! Are there openings?

There should be at least one. Some guy was arrested in Miami, trying to board a flight for Brazil with seven exotic snakes stuffed into his trousers.

You’re lacking in your hacking!

Lamar, get in my office!

What’s up, Boss?

Look, you’ve had enough time! I told you if you want to make it in journalism, you need to hack into some voice messages, and I want to see what you’ve got. We’re on deadline!

I think you’ll be pretty happy, Boss. Look at this one. “It’s me. Pick up tuna fish and vodka on the way home.”

That’s not very much to go with, Lamar.

Oh, I’ve got more, Boss. “This is Mom, why don’t you ever call?”

I guess that’s a little better. What else?

That’s why they call it Killing time…

What’s up, Blog Guy? You look annoyed.

Yeah, I hate being suckered. I see the programming chief for AMC now says the murder that was the central crime in his network’s Emmy-nominated series, “The Killing,” will be wrapped up in the SECOND season.

Wait. Didn’t that show just finish its first season? You mean they didn’t solve the crime?

Nope. Oh, they toyed with us and invited us to their Website to discuss who would be revealed, but then they hit us in the face with a big cream pie in the last two minutes of the season closer.

Even the AMC exec admits his network “should have managed expectations better.”

Much as I love watching morose and sullen characters set against a backdrop of rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy Seattle, I won’t be back next season.