Blog Guy, I’m planning a trip to Russia soon and as a hotshot travel writer you know a lot about different cuisines. So like, in Moscow, is there anything I should avoid?

It all depends on your taste, but for the time being I’d steer clear of cheap kebab places.

Gosh, if you can’t trust a cheap kebab house in Moscow, what CAN you trust? Any special reason to avoid them?

Only that Russian police have arrested three homeless people suspected of eating a 25-year-old man they had butchered, and selling other bits of the corpse to a local kebab house.

Oh. But apart from that, no there’s no other problem with kebab houses there?

Uh, not apart from that human meat aspect, no.  Knock yourself out.

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Above: Russian President Dmitry Medvedev (C) shares food with Cuban leader Raul Castro (L) in the official residence Zavidovo outside Moscow January 29, 2009. Medvedev hosted Castro with kebabs, salted wild boar’s fat and vodka. REUTERS/Alexander Zemlianichenko/Pool

Below: A worker cuts meat from a spit in a Kebab restaurant in Dortmund, Germany, in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Ina Fassbender

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Blog Guy, you blogged several times about the missing skull of German writer Friedrich Schiller. I see there’s another famous missing skull now, belonging to Australian outlaw Ned Kelly.

Right. Ned, whose real name was Ed, was the son of Red. Ned was a bushranger and killer, whose gang wore body armor that made them nearly unstoppable.

Wow. What’s a bushranger?

It’s Australian for what we would call a big fat dumbass. Ned and his gang were finally stopped in an 1880 shootout at an Australian inn, I guess sort of like an Outback Steakhouse or something.

Ned was captured and hanged. His skull was stolen, but now it may have been found.

Do you think this really is his skull?

Probably. If you look closely at the video screen grab above, you can see “E. Kelly” carved in the skull. I can’t see anybody else doing something that painful to himself.

Geez, Blog Guy, couldn’t ANYBODY have just carved that into this skull, ANYTIME?

Hmm. I hadn’t thought of that! I like it, because it makes room for my own personal pet theory.

Which is?

This is really the skull of  Friedrich Schiller.

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Body armor of Ned Kelly, on display at the State Library of Victoria in Melbourne, March 13, 2008. REUTERS/Mick Tsikas

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Continuing on with today’s theme of curious responses by onlookers who are present at a crime scene…

Maybe you’ve already seen our video of a mafia-style hit on a guy with a mafia criminal record. It’s pretty strong stuff, and also fairly surprising.

A guy is smoking a cigarette outside a bar, a dude in a baseball cap walks into the bar, then comes out and kills cigarette guy with several shots.

Meanwhile, a woman checking out her scratch-off lottery ticket just keeps on doing that, then walks away. Even the hitman just walks off.

For those of us trained in human behavior, this raises a number of questions:

• This new get-tough initiative on smokers, is it working?
• Why are baseball fans suddenly turning so violent?
• Are lottery officials allowed to use this footage in an ad campaign along the lines of, “Hold the noise down boys, I think I won the lottery!”

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Color me embarrassed. We had a PRETTY BAD error on our file, and is our policy, we had to publicly correct it. It seems we reported that Bulgarian prosecutors are investigating a new gambling game in which drivers defy death by speeding through red lights for bets of up to $2,200.

In a game known as ‘Russian road roulette,’ the driver must jump red lights at busy intersections at high speed and not crash into any other cars or pedestrians.

Imagine doing something that stupid for $2,200!

Well, it soon became clear we had it all wrong. It turned out, drivers are playing this game for bets of up to $7,400, which is a lot different from doing it just for chump change like $2,200.

But as insane as this game still sounds, the most amazing part to me is that according to our story, ONLOOKERS bet on the outcome, too!

“Hey Lamar, look! They’re havin’ one of those Russian road roulette games right here! Think we should get the hell out of the way to save ourselves?”

“Not so fast, Clancy! I’ll bet you $200 that red Mustang misses that pedestrian in the Hawaiian shirt… Oops! Well, we didn’t shake on it, Clancy…”

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These are just random photos of Bulgarian traffic carnage, not connected to Russian Road Roulette.

Above: Drivers and members of the Bulgarian security service confer after the leading car of the motorcade of the visiting Maltese President Guido de Marco collided with a truck near the village of Mursalevo in a 2001 file photo. REUTERS

Below: A Bulgarian firefighter tries to extinguish a burning taxi whose propane gas tank had caught fire on a motorway in central Sofia in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS

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Blog Guy, you’ve been great about career advice, especially offering tips to help figure out if people may have chosen the wrong line of work. Keep it coming, please.

Sure. Are you leaving on a business trip? Take off your clothes, look in a full-length mirror and count the number of live python snakes you see taped to your body in stockings.

If it’s more than say, two or three, maybe you should be looking on monster.com for a new job.

Pythons?  What kind of imbecile would tape that many pythons to his body?

The Norwegian kind of imbecile. Customs officials stopped a guy with a tarantula in his bag, so they decided to give him the full body treatment. They found FOURTEEN pythons taped to him.

Yikes! I wonder why he didn’t go for 20?

Because that would have gotten in the way of the 10 lizards hidden in cans that were also taped to him.

Blog Guy, you like this story, don’t you? And if I know you, you’re holding back something that’s even better.

Well yes, there was a wonderful quote in one of the papers that covered the story.

An official was quoted as saying,  “Customs officers quickly realized the man was smuggling animals, because his whole body was in constant motion.”

Duh, I guess it would be! Well, here’s your problem right here, sir!

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Top left: A customs officer presents a live chameleon during a news conference in a 2007 file photo. Customs officers displayed various items and reptiles that had been confiscated while being illegally smuggled into Germany. REUTERS/Alex Grimm

Top right: Australian native geckos concealed in a hollowed out book which were seized by Customs officials are seen in a 2008 photo. REUTERS/Australian Customs/Handout

Right: A zookeeper measures a royal python during animal stock-taking at the Zoo in Hanover, Germany, in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Fabrizio Bensch (GERMANY)

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Blog Guy, I’m curious about the psychology of fashion models. Do they just wear anything they’re given, or do they have strong personal feelings about the creations?

That is a very astute question. Usually, a model wears any piece of rancid garbage some nutjob designer wraps around her wispy body.

On the left here, you can see a couple of examples from yesterday.

One model doesn’t seem to mind having a black face with white spots, and a jacket with bat wings. Another seems fine with a blouse made from packing twine and coat hangers.

But models DO have feelings that accumulate, and may explode in what mental health experts call a “WTF moment.”

That’s interesting. What does it look like?

I think it looks like this.

In the middle of a Fashion Week runway, it looks to me like this model below suddenly got a mental image of herself, with what looks like bird crap smeared on her face and hair, looking down to see her breast fully exposed to every slobbering loser who could sneak into the show.

Notice her fiery eyes. I think she’s just reached her “WTF moment.”  Her hands are twitching, steam is about to shoot from her ears, and I bet she is trying to recall how many bullets are left in the .44 magnum she has in her purse backstage. The next five minutes are NOT likely to be pretty.

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Models present creations by Ukranian designers during Ukrainian Fashion Week in Kiev October 18, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Konstantin Chernichkin

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The holidays are rushing at us, and if you’re like me, nothing says “Peace on Earth” like the topic of serial killers. So you’ll be happy to know that the 2010 Serial Killer Calendar is now available if you’re looking for a gift for Uncle Lamar, who broke out of maximum security and is knocking on your door with an ax.

I am not making this up. You really can get the calendar online, and at some pretty respectable bookshops.

But there’s other merchandise as well: Serial Killer Trading Cards, wall clocks bearing the faces of Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy and others, kitchen aprons with the faces of real cannibals… Again, not making this up.

James Gilks, owner of SerialKillerCalendar.com and the editor of Serial Killer Magazine, tells me there’s other stuff in the pipeline.

“In fact, we are in the process of printing a new line of Manson Family Energy Drinks called “Cult-a-Cola.” We are also working on a “Jim Jones Ghoul Aid.” Keep your eye out for that early next year,” Gilks says.

Personally, I think this dude is thinking WAY too small.

Where’s the “Jack the Ripper Bloody Mary Mix?” ” What about the Son of Sam Talking Dog Toy?”

The “Zodiac Killer Charm Bracelet?” Crap, where’s my “Vlad the Impaler Giant Ice Pick?”

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Blog Guy, you know all the dark secrets of the designer fashion business, and it’s time to admit a fatal flaw.

I agree completely. Uh, which fatal flaw do you mean?

Oh please. There is a certain group in our society that is shunned. Due to petty prejudices, they are not allowed to create designs for the big fashion shows. You MUST know who I mean!

Ah yes, I guess you’re talking about the criminally insane. But you should know that some big shows are finally allowing this group to present their nutty outfits, under heavy medication of course.

For instance, look at the guy on the left. It’s as if Hannibal Lecter suddenly has his own designer label. More chianti and fava beans for the gentleman, please!

That’s awesome! So now that the criminally insane have been allowed to “come out” and participate, I guess we can expect future fashions to look a lot different, huh?

Nah, I expect them to be pretty much the same. Why do you ask?

Don’t be selfish. Send this post to someone you’d like to irritate!

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Top left: A model displays an outfit by designer Marta Montoto during the EGO of Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2010 show September 18, 2009. REUTERS/Susana Vera

Top middle: Model presents creation by Portuguese designer Vitor during Lisbon Fashion Week in Cascais, October 10, 2009. REUTERS Hugo Correia

Top right: A model presents a creation by Portuguese designer Dino Alves during Lisbon Fashion Week in Cascais October 11, 2009. REUTERS/Hugo Correia

Bottom right: A model presents a creation by Portuguese designer Lara Torres during the Lisbon Fashion Week in Cascais October 11, 2009.  Reuters/Hugo Correia

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I’m sorry sir, but you can’t drive that tow-truck full of beer onto the motor racing grounds, I’m afraid. It’s over the posted limit.

Limit? Limit? But it’s BEER!

I understand, sir, but this year, racing fans coming to the Bathurst 1000 will be limited to only 24 cans of beer a day. We don’t want folks getting drunk.

Just 24 cans? What am I supposed to do after lunch? Can I bring in wine?

Yes, four liters a day, INSTEAD of beer.

Four liters of wine? I go through that much at Communion! What about low-alcohol beer?

You may have 36 cans of that per day, sir!

Woo-hoo! Thirty-six cans! I beat the system! Out of the way, loser, I’m comin’ in!

You’re plastered already, aren’t you, sir?

Of course not! Say, can I bring in some wine?

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A forklift with a pallet of beer is seen at the Fosters Group brewery in Melbourne November 20, 2008. REUTERS/Mick Tsikas

Kangaroo grabs can of beer held by Kathy Noble as she stands behind bar at the 127-year-old Comet Inn in township of Hartley Vale, Australia, in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/David Gray

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Blog Guy, I’m tired of dating smart chicks. Where can I find some stupid ones?

I can’t help you. The ones I know, especially those who read my blog, are very smart.

Come on, just between us, you must know where I can get some dimwits.

You might try London. Some of the women there are so stupid the police have launched an ad campaign warning them to stop carrying guns for their boyfriends. It doesn’t get much dumber.

“Hey Pam, you got any extra room in your purse?

“Sure, Johnny. Watcha need?”

“Let’s see. here’s my Chapstick, and some gum…”

“No worries, Johnny. Anything else?”

“Oh, I guess I should take my Glock in case I wanna kill somebody. But I’d rather not carry it on me because I could go to prison.”

“No sweat, Johnny. I can see where you wouldn’t want that. Look, just a little bit of the barrel sticks out of my purse. Ya want some extra ammo, too?”

“You’re the best, baby! What did I do to deserve a tree stump like you?”

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Above: Hollywood actress Milla Jovovich in a 2004 file photo. REUTERS/ Yuriko Nakao

Left: A model presents swimwear during a fashion show in Budapest in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Laszlo Balogh

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