Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Yumpin’ Yemeni, his pants are off!

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trousers-2-160.jpgIt’s time again for Things Maybe We Should Have Explained in a Caption, but Didn’t. Today, we see a photo of a lawyer holding a news conference in Yemen, except wait! He’s taking off his clothes!

Our caption does recognize that he is removing his trousers. It says he is explaining  inmate mistreatment, but it doesn’t say if these two facts are connected. For all I know, “news conference” is just a euphemism for stripping in Yemen.

It could be like, “We’re goin’ to Joey’s bachelor party tonight. I hope they have some chicks to put on a news conference for us!” Or “Mr.  Jones, the doctor will be in to see you soon. Please news conference yourself and wait on that examining table.”

This needs to be sorted out before some U.S. presidential candidate agrees to hold a “news conference” in Yemen.

Forget it Blog Guy, it’s Chinatown

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chinatown-still-140.jpgReaders of this blog know I worry a lot about a recent tendency to do unnecessary remakes of great movies. I just don’t see why we need a new version of  The Great EscapeThe Birds and other true classics.  

So here we go again, with a cheesy remake of the iconic Chinatown. Below is a studio still photo from the remake, showing the memorable scene of private eye Jake Gittes with his nose freshly slit open by a knife. 

Segway Squad is here! Walk fast!

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assault-crop-120.jpgThis is gonna be the hottest new series on TV, and we’ve got it! It’s called Segway Squad, about an elite force that fights crime using those Segway personal transporters. Is that cool, or what?

The squad is led by Pop, a hardened veteran who’s been riding Segways since the old days of  2001. He’s in charge of a bunch of  wisecracking young hotshots. When a crime is in progress they streak there at the lightning speed of 10 miles per hour, and we zoom along with them, bumping over curbs and scattering pedestrians.

Decoy or doofus? You decide…

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decoy-this-crop-160.jpgRegular readers know this is my favorite time of year, when the big designers let us see what well-dressed police decoys will be wearing soon.

It’s getting harder to attract savvy criminals into situations where they will rob somebody so police can swoop down on them, which is why this week’s Paris Decoy Show is so impressive. This is the perfect decoy ensemble. It says, “Boy this bag of gold doubloons is heavy!” as well as “What was my name again?”

Who made your sub, Bub?

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Quick quiz: which of these are really great homemade?

sub-160.jpga) fresh peach ice cream
b) blueberry pie
c) buttermilk biscuits
d) submarines

Exactly. Not the subs. Submarines just seem better when they’re made in a shipyard, not some bozo’s hobby shop. Yet despite my warnings in posts like Gosh, this sub really dives fast!, there is now a whole frickin’ FLEET of homemade subs smuggling cocaine from Colombia. They found nine last year alone! 

Manure bomb chick falls into feces, flees naked!

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manure-crop-160.jpgThis is the feel-good story of the month. It seems this woman trying to make “manure bombs” slipped into a tank of dung and fled the crime scene, naked. Police found her clothing in a field.

Now, a couple of observations. First, if it takes the cops more than 20 minutes to find her, they really suck. A naked, manure-covered chick  in a rural area stands out, except maybe during sorority hazing week. No guy in a car is going to pick her up, because, well, naked or not, a guy has to draw the line somewhere.

I just wanna see how this looks in a taxi. I’ll be back…

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rings-160.jpgThis isn’t the kind of jewelry heist where they use the word “mastermind” a lot. The robber didn’t work too hard on a plan, and luckily he found a shop that didn’t try too hard to foil him, either.

The guy asks to see a bunch of rings and necklaces, which he tries on, and then walks out and gets in a taxi. However, I think even I could find this dude, since he’s described as 6’5″, weighing 250 pounds, with a Chinese symbol tattooed on his neck. Nice touch to try on necklaces, so they couldn’t possibly miss the tattoo. 

Look! Is that Brad and Angelina?

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gang-3-160.jpgBlog Guy, I have very poor vision, but my life’s dream is to join a motorcycle gang. Do you know of any that would make an allowance for bad eyesight?

I think so. It would appear that some members of the Bandidos gang have a similar affliction. You can see them here, apparently holding documents very near their face in order to read them. But the bottom photo suggests that if you have other social skills, like hand-shaking, you will be accepted.

Open the safe, Mozart, this is a stick-up!

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drawing.JPGI did a very popular item about a phrase book for folks  going to Austria for Euro 2008, to help get by in the local dialect. The guide is REALLY useful if you get a bit creative. Say you decide to rob a convenience store. By mixing up actual phrases from various pages, you can say:

“All by yourself? Do you have a safe? Give me the money!  Do you understand? Come on, you joker, let me get by!  I’m making a quick getaway! ”

Sir, that carry-on bag is too large! Sir!

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police-2-160.jpgHandy Summer Travel Tip #42: Airlines are clamping down on carry-on luggage regulations. If you have a hanging bag for your suits, you may meet resistance in carrying it aboard the airplane. 

Take these two businessmen, who are probably violating several other airline rules in the process of expressing their very strong feelings about their carry-on bags. In international airline parlance, this maneuver is known as “The Butch and Sundance Ploy.”