Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Fake? Then why is it signed?

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picasso-160.jpgI’m ruined. The Feds have busted a ring of crooks they say were selling fake art on eBay, which of course is where my entire collection came from. It seemed so safe! Most great art changes hands over the Internet. Where do you think the Louvre gets its stuff, anyway?

It’s not as if I acted foolishly. I’m a blogger, a profession known for caution. The art I got was SIGNED, which it wouldn’t have been if it was fake, now would it? I also got a CERTIFICATE with each piece, so even if someone forged the art and cleverly faked names like Picasso and Dali, where would they come up with certificates?

This is just awful. If I ran the Louvre, I’d be taking a VERY close look at that Mona Lisa about now.

Related post: “Don’t forget your shards, buddy”

chagall-300.jpgPainting of Marc Chagall is seen on the ceiling of the Palais Garnier, Paris’ opera, February 19, 2008. REUTERS/Charles Platiau

Put your cash in my Prada purse!

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bag-140.jpgBlog guy, me and some other women are thinking about turning to crime to pick up some extra summer vacation money, but we don’t know what to wear. Is anybody addressing this niche market?

You bet! With the current economic woes, more and more ladies are opting for crime. The fashion houses are gearing up for it, as we’ve seen in recent designer events.

Snow rage: do you get my DRIFT?

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If I told you white powder was driving citizens to sudden violent acts, you’d probably picture guys fighting over cocaine someplace way south, as temperatures hit 100 degrees. Well, check your stereotypes at the door. This is Quebec City, one of the quaintest, most civilized places in North America, home of great food and cobblestone streets.

But with 210 inches of snow so far this year, and snowdrifts of up to 12 feet in some places. tempers are flaring. We have a story describing residents as being – and please excuse my language – “fed up.” Yes, “fed up.” One dude pointed a shotgun at the ground and looked at a woman “in a threatening way,” and another man produced a toy gun in a parking space argument.

Don’t show your face here again!

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I hate to break it to those of you who have real eyes and mouths and stuff, but faces are out. They are so yesterday! Look at this “creation.” This lady can go straight from the Federal Witness Protection Program to host a network talk show, with no danger she’ll be recognized. 

And it’s not just haute couture that is losing face. Cindy Martin has a video story about hoodies that cover your whole noggin. The makers deny these things may lead to crime, but the fact is, if you buy one and there’s a convenience store nearby, one of those garments can pay for itself five minutes after you put it on.

I’m Toothache Man! You know the drill!

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toothache-3-180.jpgMemo to comic book staff: We’ve used every possible premise in creating new super crime fighters, so we’re down to Toothache Man.

See, this was just a normal dude in pain, visiting a dentist with his jaw wrapped in an elastic bandage and wearing a plastic mask to keep drill spray out of his eyes, when some tainted novocaine gave him super powers.

“Hey Boss! Check out the milksop!”

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It’s time again to unveil the latest outfits that well-dressed police decoys will wear as they try to entice criminals. This one is ingenious, designed to set up this season’s opening line of choice:

“Good morrow, what say you? I hail from Elizabethan times! What year is it, good sir, and do people still value the gold sovereigns that overflow my pockets?”

Pouting bikini models behind bars…

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“Connie, we have a huge problem. Some of the models are complaining that our outfits are too stupid-looking to wear in the fashion show. One of them said you want her to go out in a bikini, patterned stockings, boots, gloves, a jewelled purse and necklace. That does sound kind of lame to me…

“Well Connie, if they won’t show up, that’s it. I mean, you can’t drag them out there locked in cages, can you? Can you imagine what the blog headlines would say? Connie? Connie!”

Rotten to the corpse?

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corpse-300.jpgTwo guys are pushing a dead man in an office chair, see, trying to cash his Social Security check, and… No, that’s not a joke, it really happened in New York.

What’s amazing is they were charged with attempted forgery, but it turned out it was not illegal to wheel a chair around with a body in it!

This bathroom door is just painted on!

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I hate to say I told you so, but it was just two months ago that a reader was tempted by glossy brochures about jobs in the exciting world of drug-smuggling homemade submarines. I advised him against it in a post called “Gosh, this sub really dives fast!”

Sure enough, some smugglers were just caught on their way from Colombia to the U.S., and as bad as that is for them, getting arrested is the best thing that can go wrong in one of these cheesy boats. Here are some common things you hear on a homemade sub:

Joey! Don’t open those shutters!

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Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
Then something happened that day in December,
It must be too awful for me to remember…

Maybe it’s just the way of the world these days, but the theme of Santa Claus at risk just keeps coming up. We’ve had the jolly old guy shot at in a helicopter, attacked by street thugs, thrown off a bucking reindeer, fleeing an upside-down house