If  you get all of your fashion guidance from this blog - and boy, you should be easy to spot in a crowd - you know I pay close attention to police decoy fashions.

Tempting bad guys to commit crimes is a challenge in our litigious society. So as usual, I’m attending the annual “Hook ‘em and Book ‘em.”

Am I glad I came this year! There is an exciting new surprise twist to the show.

What this unsuspecting model doesn’t know is, Hollywood loose cannon Mickey Rourke is in the audience! Mickey was told to study for the part of a hood whose father was sent away by a police decoy during a Pinky Lee tribute.

So, let’s sit back and watch the fun. And come back tomorrow, when decoy models face surprise nutjob confrontations from Dennis Hopper, Steve Buscemi and Javier Bardem!

“What business is it of yours where I’m from, friendo?”

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A model presents a creation from the G-Star Spring 2010 collection during New York Fashion Week, September 15, 2009. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

Actor Mickey Rourke watches a model on the runway during the Max Azria Spring 2010 collection at New York Fashion Week, September 15, 2009. REUTERS/ Brendan McDermid

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Polizeihauptwachtmeister, round up the usual suspects for questioning!

Right away, lieutenant! Of course, six of them got away while you were saying Polizeihauptwachtmeister, but…

Never mind that, Polizeihauptwachtmeister! This man here! Have you sentenced him yet?

Well, no, lieutenant. He’s just a suspect. He’s innocent until proven guilty.

You have not read the full penal code, have you, Polizeihauptwachtmeister?

Um, not the FULL code, lieutenant.

Page 1,264, paragraph six. “If some dumkaupf has a pineapple handgrenade tattooed on his neck and the message “Life is Pain” tattooed above his ear, he goes directly to jail.”

Very good, lieutenant. And the exact charge, just for the paperwork?

Do I need to tell you everything, Polizeihauptwachtmeister? The charge is having really stupid tattoos!

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A man is questioned by German police during protests by the far-right National Democratic Party (NPD) supporters and leftwing activists in Hamburg September 11, 2009. Several hundred leftwing protesters tried to disturb a demonstration by NPD supporters. REUTERS/ Christian Charisius

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Welcome back to a feature called What Year is this Again? where we offer items that lack humor, but do make us wonder if we have somehow gone back in time…

Children, welcome to third grade! I’m Miss Johnson. Let’s start with all of you writing a paragraph called “How I Spent My Summer Vacation!”

Dear Miss Johnson, my family went to Disney World. We rode on every ride. I threw up.

Lisa

Dear Miss Johnson, we went to Martha’s Vineyard. I saw President Obama. He waved.

Sean

Dear Ms. Johnson. Last Sunday, Mommy and I were on a bus. There was a truck full of roosters. Some guys called “hit men” drove by and killed two men in the rooster truck. Four days earlier in the same city, “hit men” went to a clinic, lined up patients and killed 17 of them. Next summer, I want to visit Hollywood.

Rosie

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A woman and her daughter look at a crime scene where hitmen killed two men in the border city of Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, September 6, 2009. Four men were traveling in a truck loaded with roosters when they were attacked on Sunday afternoon in a drive-by shooting, according to local media. REUTERS/Tomas Bravo

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Irving liked exploring on his own, but at times he had the distinct impression strange characters were following and taunting him.

They often took the form of menacing mannequins. A woman wearing only a shawl, buck-naked men making rude faces, even a slender guy who must have been one of those “size zero” models.

He imagined  the mannequins took orders from a man in sunglasses and a Mao cap, using an untraceable mobile phone.

Irving reckoned the strange yellow symbols above the mannequins might be the key to the whole shebang, but they were unlike anything he had seen growing up in Biloxi, even that year he spent in high school.

Today, though, Irving was feeling very good about himself. His therapist had convinced him it was all in his mind, and he wasn’t going to fall for it and turn around. Life was good.

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A man speaks on the phone as he stands in front of a skeleton in a mannequin shop in Shanghai, August 27, 2009.

A man looks on as he stands outside the mannequin shop.

REUTERS photos by Nir Elias

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Blog Guy, there was a really bizarre bank robbery in Australia today.

Yeah, two guys held up a bank in dinosaur masks. As you can see in this closed-circuit footage, they had Tyrannosaurus Rex masks. The bank tellers cooperated and no one was hurt.

“If it had just been a brontosaurus I’d have fought the bastard, but I don’t mess with T-rex!” said one victim.

But don’t the tellers know dinosaurs died out long before humans?

They said they saw this on “The Flintstones,” and it’s hard to argue with that.

“It was all very believable,” the chief teller said. “They had us put our money in a Trader Joe’s bag. That just seemed like a very dinosaur thing to do.”

Stunning! And the “dinosaurs” stayed in character the whole time?

Absolutely. They didn’t drop their guard, even as they got into their Hummer and drove off.

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Two men in suits hold pictures of dinosaurs during a protest on climate change in central Sydney August 13, 2009. REUTERS/ Daniel Munoz

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Blog Guy, I was reading a history book and saw a word I didn’t know, defenestration. Rather than look it up, I thought I’d ask you what it means.

Defenestration is throwing something out a window. As in, “Close that damn refrigerator door! You’re defenestrating my hard-earned money!” Or like, “Here comes the parade, let’s defenestrate this ticker tape on them!”

Why would that be in a history book?

Centuries ago, in what is now the Czech Republic, angry mobs defenestrated people from tall windows. The events are still celebrated today. Check out this old painting and this new photo reenactment.

Wow! That looks TOO realistic. Um, what happened to that poor guy in the photographs?

Our caption doesn’t say. I fear he may have become a…

Don’t say it!

Too late. A bounced Czech. Or worse.

Worse?

A canceled Czech.

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Re-enactment of a defenestration in Prague, July 31, 2009. The 1419 event began when demonstrators demanded the release of some prisoners but were refused. The outraged crowd burst into the building and threw officials out the windows. REUTERS photos by David W Cerny

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Blog Guy, please let me jump in here quickly because I have special fashion needs which are fairly urgent.

Okay, I’ve never heard of urgent fashion needs, but go on…

I’m Judy, a wartime spy facing the firing squad, and naturally I want to look my best. I’m furious!  No designers are producing chic blindfolds!

You’re right, largely because there is very little repeat business. I think I can help you, Judy, but these designs haven’t been made public yet, so you have to promise not to give this info to anybody else.

Hey, I’m a spy. Of course you can trust me not to pass along secrets!

Okay then. For starters, what’s your best color? Judy? Judy?

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Models present creations by Argentine designer Verolvaldi during Colombiamoda fashion show in Medellin July 30, 2009. REUTERS/Jose Miguel Gomez

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Dear Mom and Dad,

Well, I finally made it to Bali, my dream vacation, and it’s everything I ever hoped for!

I’m writing this postcard from exotic Kuta Beach, soaking up rays, sipping a lychee martini, ogling the handsome lifeguard with his sexy combat boots and assault rifle, and thinking about…

Oh, right. About that. Yes, there are heavily armed police patrolling the white sandy beach, since suicide bombers just hit two hotels in Jakarta. It turns out there were some major bombings here on Bali in recent years, too, which explains that great package deal I got.

So I’m learning to relax in paradise while waiting for the sound of gunfire, bombs and carnage. Another couple of lychee martinis and I won’t even notice it anymore…

It’s more than a blog, it’s a lifestyle

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Police patrol Kuta beach in Bali July 19, 2009 following bomb blasts in Jakarta on Friday. REUTERS/Murdani Usman

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Blog Guy, you don’t know me… You never saw me, we never had this conversation. I know you help people with certain fashion needs find appropriate attire. I represent the 42 million people in the Witness Protection Program. When you’re disguised all the time, it’s not easy to look chic.

Wait a minute. There are 42 million of us?

Us? You’re in the program?  Hey, clever disguise, doing a blog that anybody in the world can read. Then you know we have parties, cruises, WPP discounts… So is anybody creating fashions for us?

You bet. Check out this stuff from a new collection unveiled in Paris a couple of days ago. It’s perfect! I bought six new outfits.

Fantastic! I’ll spread it around in our monthly newsletter! Hey, wait a minute, Blog Guy. I think I know you! Were you the dude who came with us on that trip to Belgium, and called yourself  Smitty? I remember that time you….

Shut UP! Thanks a lot. Now I have to start all over again.

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Models present creations by Israeli-American designer Alber Elbaz and Lucas Ossendrijver of the Netherlands for fashion house Lanvin as part of his men’s Spring-Summer 2010 fashion collection in Paris June 28, 2009.

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I’ve blogged before about Saint Death, this grinning skeletal figure who isn’t recognized by the Catholic Church, but is revered by drug traffickers and other criminal scumbags.

I get a kick out of this guy, because I don’t begin to see how he fits in with regular theology. I noticed this photo when soldiers in Mexico seized a house used for storing marijuana and a lab producing cocaine. According to the caption this is an “altar to venerate Saint Death.”

Looking at the AR-15 rifle leaning against the thing, I’m thinking they meant “ventilate” instead of venerate.

Anyway, note the statues of the saint and the large work of art. The caption doesn’t say, but I’m hoping and praying the artwork is made of velvet. It just seems right.

To get scholarly for a moment, the blown up section shows Death is smoking a joint, something you rarely see in religious art apart from Saint Jerry Garcia. He is also waving a scythe, similar to the one Saint Happy New Year! carries.

Finally, in big gold lettering on the frame we see SANTA MUERTE, which I believe translates to “Maybe we should have chosen another frickin’ career.”

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An AR-15 rifle is seen at the base of an altar to venerate Saint Death, inside a house seized by the army during an operation in Monterrey, northern Mexico June 23, 2009. The army seized a house used for storing marijuana and a lab producing cocaine during an operation early Tuesday. One man was detained and three more escaped, according to local media. REUTERS/Tomas Bravo

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