Blog Guy, I’m tired of dating smart chicks. Where can I find some stupid ones?

I can’t help you. The ones I know, especially those who read my blog, are very smart.

Come on, just between us, you must know where I can get some dimwits.

You might try London. Some of the women there are so stupid the police have launched an ad campaign warning them to stop carrying guns for their boyfriends. It doesn’t get much dumber.

“Hey Pam, you got any extra room in your purse?

“Sure, Johnny. Watcha need?”

“Let’s see. here’s my Chapstick, and some gum…”

“No worries, Johnny. Anything else?”

“Oh, I guess I should take my Glock in case I wanna kill somebody. But I’d rather not carry it on me because I could go to prison.”

“No sweat, Johnny. I can see where you wouldn’t want that. Look, just a little bit of the barrel sticks out of my purse. Ya want some extra ammo, too?”

“You’re the best, baby! What did I do to deserve a tree stump like you?”

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Above: Hollywood actress Milla Jovovich in a 2004 file photo. REUTERS/ Yuriko Nakao

Left: A model presents swimwear during a fashion show in Budapest in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Laszlo Balogh

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“Ding-dong!”

“Dear, one of the young ladies from that Manson family up the street is here selling homemade lunchmeat! Can she put us down for some?”

Okay, that was an imaginary conversation. But this photo here, which I have artfully censored, is an actual “creation” from a fashion collection in Milan this week. I did not make it up.

So what I wonder is, how far does this insane circle of sociopathy extend? Some designer draws a sketch and says, “Hey boss! Look what I came up with!”

Then, instead of having the designer institutionalized, the boss just says, “Great job! Have this made in time for the September show!”

It gets worse. They hand the outfit to some model, and instead of beating her boss to death with a croquet mallet, she just puts it on, complete with blood, and stumbles onto the runway.

But my very worst fear of all is that we might cover the show and just run regular fashion shots of it, with routine captions, as if it’s just an Audrey Hepburn classic little black dress. Nah, that could never happen!

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A model presents a creation as part of Seduzioni Diamonds Valeria Marini Spring/Summer 2010 women’s collection in Milan September 23, 2009. REUTERS/Stefano Rellandini

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Blog Guy, recently you blogged about that Oktoberfest thing in Germany - you know, the party with all the beer and the women with those huge, uh, mugs? I saw a travel ad for it that said, “Come to Germany and get frisky!”

I think you misread that. It said, “Come to Germany and get FRISKED.”

Frisked?

Yeah, look at these photos below. I gather some people must be trying to sneak in weapons.

So? What could possibly go wrong with bringing weapons into the “world’s biggest beer festival?”

I suppose the chance to shoot at guys playing oompah music is too much for some folks. Heck, I’m not sure I could resist it!

I guess I see  your point. I was wondering. Do you have any photos of the guards frisking the chicks with those big…

Those big smiles? No I don’t, sorry….

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Woman wearing traditional Bavarian Dirndl poses with beer during opening ceremony for the Oktoberfest in Munich, September 19, 2009. REUTERS/Michaela Rehle

Security personnel frisk people before the opening ceremony. REUTERS/ Pawel Kopczynski

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If  you get all of your fashion guidance from this blog - and boy, you should be easy to spot in a crowd - you know I pay close attention to police decoy fashions.

Tempting bad guys to commit crimes is a challenge in our litigious society. So as usual, I’m attending the annual “Hook ‘em and Book ‘em.”

Am I glad I came this year! There is an exciting new surprise twist to the show.

What this unsuspecting model doesn’t know is, Hollywood loose cannon Mickey Rourke is in the audience! Mickey was told to study for the part of a hood whose father was sent away by a police decoy during a Pinky Lee tribute.

So, let’s sit back and watch the fun. And come back tomorrow, when decoy models face surprise nutjob confrontations from Dennis Hopper, Steve Buscemi and Javier Bardem!

“What business is it of yours where I’m from, friendo?”

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A model presents a creation from the G-Star Spring 2010 collection during New York Fashion Week, September 15, 2009. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

Actor Mickey Rourke watches a model on the runway during the Max Azria Spring 2010 collection at New York Fashion Week, September 15, 2009. REUTERS/ Brendan McDermid

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Polizeihauptwachtmeister, round up the usual suspects for questioning!

Right away, lieutenant! Of course, six of them got away while you were saying Polizeihauptwachtmeister, but…

Never mind that, Polizeihauptwachtmeister! This man here! Have you sentenced him yet?

Well, no, lieutenant. He’s just a suspect. He’s innocent until proven guilty.

You have not read the full penal code, have you, Polizeihauptwachtmeister?

Um, not the FULL code, lieutenant.

Page 1,264, paragraph six. “If some dumkaupf has a pineapple handgrenade tattooed on his neck and the message “Life is Pain” tattooed above his ear, he goes directly to jail.”

Very good, lieutenant. And the exact charge, just for the paperwork?

Do I need to tell you everything, Polizeihauptwachtmeister? The charge is having really stupid tattoos!

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A man is questioned by German police during protests by the far-right National Democratic Party (NPD) supporters and leftwing activists in Hamburg September 11, 2009. Several hundred leftwing protesters tried to disturb a demonstration by NPD supporters. REUTERS/ Christian Charisius

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Welcome back to a feature called What Year is this Again? where we offer items that lack humor, but do make us wonder if we have somehow gone back in time…

Children, welcome to third grade! I’m Miss Johnson. Let’s start with all of you writing a paragraph called “How I Spent My Summer Vacation!”

Dear Miss Johnson, my family went to Disney World. We rode on every ride. I threw up.

Lisa

Dear Miss Johnson, we went to Martha’s Vineyard. I saw President Obama. He waved.

Sean

Dear Ms. Johnson. Last Sunday, Mommy and I were on a bus. There was a truck full of roosters. Some guys called “hit men” drove by and killed two men in the rooster truck. Four days earlier in the same city, “hit men” went to a clinic, lined up patients and killed 17 of them. Next summer, I want to visit Hollywood.

Rosie

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A woman and her daughter look at a crime scene where hitmen killed two men in the border city of Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, September 6, 2009. Four men were traveling in a truck loaded with roosters when they were attacked on Sunday afternoon in a drive-by shooting, according to local media. REUTERS/Tomas Bravo

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Irving liked exploring on his own, but at times he had the distinct impression strange characters were following and taunting him.

They often took the form of menacing mannequins. A woman wearing only a shawl, buck-naked men making rude faces, even a slender guy who must have been one of those “size zero” models.

He imagined  the mannequins took orders from a man in sunglasses and a Mao cap, using an untraceable mobile phone.

Irving reckoned the strange yellow symbols above the mannequins might be the key to the whole shebang, but they were unlike anything he had seen growing up in Biloxi, even that year he spent in high school.

Today, though, Irving was feeling very good about himself. His therapist had convinced him it was all in his mind, and he wasn’t going to fall for it and turn around. Life was good.

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A man speaks on the phone as he stands in front of a skeleton in a mannequin shop in Shanghai, August 27, 2009.

A man looks on as he stands outside the mannequin shop.

REUTERS photos by Nir Elias

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Blog Guy, there was a really bizarre bank robbery in Australia today.

Yeah, two guys held up a bank in dinosaur masks. As you can see in this closed-circuit footage, they had Tyrannosaurus Rex masks. The bank tellers cooperated and no one was hurt.

“If it had just been a brontosaurus I’d have fought the bastard, but I don’t mess with T-rex!” said one victim.

But don’t the tellers know dinosaurs died out long before humans?

They said they saw this on “The Flintstones,” and it’s hard to argue with that.

“It was all very believable,” the chief teller said. “They had us put our money in a Trader Joe’s bag. That just seemed like a very dinosaur thing to do.”

Stunning! And the “dinosaurs” stayed in character the whole time?

Absolutely. They didn’t drop their guard, even as they got into their Hummer and drove off.

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Two men in suits hold pictures of dinosaurs during a protest on climate change in central Sydney August 13, 2009. REUTERS/ Daniel Munoz

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Blog Guy, I was reading a history book and saw a word I didn’t know, defenestration. Rather than look it up, I thought I’d ask you what it means.

Defenestration is throwing something out a window. As in, “Close that damn refrigerator door! You’re defenestrating my hard-earned money!” Or like, “Here comes the parade, let’s defenestrate this ticker tape on them!”

Why would that be in a history book?

Centuries ago, in what is now the Czech Republic, angry mobs defenestrated people from tall windows. The events are still celebrated today. Check out this old painting and this new photo reenactment.

Wow! That looks TOO realistic. Um, what happened to that poor guy in the photographs?

Our caption doesn’t say. I fear he may have become a…

Don’t say it!

Too late. A bounced Czech. Or worse.

Worse?

A canceled Czech.

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Re-enactment of a defenestration in Prague, July 31, 2009. The 1419 event began when demonstrators demanded the release of some prisoners but were refused. The outraged crowd burst into the building and threw officials out the windows. REUTERS photos by David W Cerny

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Blog Guy, please let me jump in here quickly because I have special fashion needs which are fairly urgent.

Okay, I’ve never heard of urgent fashion needs, but go on…

I’m Judy, a wartime spy facing the firing squad, and naturally I want to look my best. I’m furious!  No designers are producing chic blindfolds!

You’re right, largely because there is very little repeat business. I think I can help you, Judy, but these designs haven’t been made public yet, so you have to promise not to give this info to anybody else.

Hey, I’m a spy. Of course you can trust me not to pass along secrets!

Okay then. For starters, what’s your best color? Judy? Judy?

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Models present creations by Argentine designer Verolvaldi during Colombiamoda fashion show in Medellin July 30, 2009. REUTERS/Jose Miguel Gomez

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