Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
It is late, you’re a woman alone, and bad guys are chasing you. You round a corner and whip up your skirt. Instantly, you’re camouflaged as a vending machine, and the attackers keep going. Maybe this urban ploy will work, but you should consider:
What happens if the attackers, cranky because you got away, stop to enjoy a refreshing soft drink?
What about the roaming gangs that rob vending machines? Think they’ll be happy to find you?
Imagine the embarrassment if you think you’re wearing your vending machine skirt, but you’re really not.
Hello there young lady, good to have you modeling for us in the fashion show today! Connie will be doing your makeup and choosing your outfit.
Oh, you already know Connie? I see. You denounced her as a “hoochie witch” on Geraldo, you put scorpions in her Mini Cooper, you ran off with her husband and you planted crystal meth in her carry-on bag? Small world!
Hey, Blog Guy, I need your help. I am a professional assassin who happens to be a woman, and while I would love to look good on the job, nobody seems to be going after this market. Oh sure, there’s plenty for the MALE assassins to wear, but nothing for us gals. I’m about mad enough to kill somebody! Any advice?
Hold on, things seem to be looking up for lady killers. At a big fashion show in Madrid this week we found a number of very stylish outfits clearly aimed at hitwomen, cat burglars, lethal seductresses, and just plain terrifying Internet blind dates.
We have a video report that raises sort of a theological question. Who has done more good for mankind – the person who produced shoes festooned with precious gems to sell for $134,000 a pair, or the one who thought of guarding those shoes with a live cobra?
Yeah, it’s close, but I’m inclined to say the latter. The notion of a lethal deterrent has many handy home applications, especially in the area of dieting. I’ve now set scorpions loose in our potato chip drawer, put black widow spiders in our jar of Junior Mints, and let leeches run wild in the four places where we keep our jelly doughnuts. I also tried putting venomous snakes in with my Ben & Jerry’s, but they don’t seem too intimidating after a night in the freezer.
We all know how the dance goes. Some celebrity or businessman or politician is caught doing something bad, and after a period of denial they then go through the weepy shame phase, ending in a cathartic display on some TV interview show, and they just seem so darned sincere…
That’s why I love the story of Zhang Shaocang, a very senior power company official who is on trial for corruption in China. Zhang wept as he read a four-page letter of apology, admitting, “I gradually lost my bearings and the scope of my position.”
Using tape was brilliant. You want a mask that comes off quickly for a getaway, and this one takes only about two hours to unwrap, leaving a semi-permanent sticky residue on your face. You also want comfort, and what feels better in the August heat than enough tape to cover the Taj Mahal?
A slogan among serious Internet hackers says that “information wants to be free.” A sentiment among some folks holds that fudge wants to be free, as well.
A woman was charged with burglary after police said she made a late-night raid on a fudge shop and escaped with as much fudge as she could carry.
Lovers of good food know you can find some of your best meals at little hole-in-the-wall places. But hole-in-the-FLOOR places, I don’t know.
It turns out, officials in Beijing are cracking down on food stalls that are attached to public toilets, in advance of next year’s Olympics. This makes me feel much better, because now I don’t be tempted to buy food from the person tending the toilet I’m standing in line to use, and I won’t have to learn the Chinese phrase for “eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!!!!”
Are you tired of white collar criminals going free because they shred the evidence seconds before police arrive? Well, meet The Shred Squad, a bold new approach to law enforcement.
These well-armed soldiers, ingeniously camouflaged by strips of paper, are able to penetrate corporate shredding rooms before the crooks can start covering their trails. From the time the “Shred Red” alarm sounds in their high-tech “Shred Shed,” these specialists can be hand-cuffing fancy-dressed CEOs within minutes.
Back in May, we noted an ongoing competition to determine the “Worst Canadian.” Early contenders for the honor included pop singers like Celine Dion and Shania Twain, and the former owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs. We suggested cartoon villain Snidely Whiplash, just to be helpful.
Well, we should have seen this one coming. Nobody can irritate the public like a politician, and the just-announced winner of the coveted title is former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau. The top-ten list features four prime ministers, including the current one. Indeed, if we can be honest here, there are more prime ministers than serial killers on the list, although it’s pretty close.