Dear Mom and Dad,

Well, I finally made it to Bali, my dream vacation, and it’s everything I ever hoped for!

I’m writing this postcard from exotic Kuta Beach, soaking up rays, sipping a lychee martini, ogling the handsome lifeguard with his sexy combat boots and assault rifle, and thinking about…

Oh, right. About that. Yes, there are heavily armed police patrolling the white sandy beach, since suicide bombers just hit two hotels in Jakarta. It turns out there were some major bombings here on Bali in recent years, too, which explains that great package deal I got.

So I’m learning to relax in paradise while waiting for the sound of gunfire, bombs and carnage. Another couple of lychee martinis and I won’t even notice it anymore…

It’s more than a blog, it’s a lifestyle

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Police patrol Kuta beach in Bali July 19, 2009 following bomb blasts in Jakarta on Friday. REUTERS/Murdani Usman

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Blog Guy, you don’t know me… You never saw me, we never had this conversation. I know you help people with certain fashion needs find appropriate attire. I represent the 42 million people in the Witness Protection Program. When you’re disguised all the time, it’s not easy to look chic.

Wait a minute. There are 42 million of us?

Us? You’re in the program?  Hey, clever disguise, doing a blog that anybody in the world can read. Then you know we have parties, cruises, WPP discounts… So is anybody creating fashions for us?

You bet. Check out this stuff from a new collection unveiled in Paris a couple of days ago. It’s perfect! I bought six new outfits.

Fantastic! I’ll spread it around in our monthly newsletter! Hey, wait a minute, Blog Guy. I think I know you! Were you the dude who came with us on that trip to Belgium, and called yourself  Smitty? I remember that time you….

Shut UP! Thanks a lot. Now I have to start all over again.

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Models present creations by Israeli-American designer Alber Elbaz and Lucas Ossendrijver of the Netherlands for fashion house Lanvin as part of his men’s Spring-Summer 2010 fashion collection in Paris June 28, 2009.

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I’ve blogged before about Saint Death, this grinning skeletal figure who isn’t recognized by the Catholic Church, but is revered by drug traffickers and other criminal scumbags.

I get a kick out of this guy, because I don’t begin to see how he fits in with regular theology. I noticed this photo when soldiers in Mexico seized a house used for storing marijuana and a lab producing cocaine. According to the caption this is an “altar to venerate Saint Death.”

Looking at the AR-15 rifle leaning against the thing, I’m thinking they meant “ventilate” instead of venerate.

Anyway, note the statues of the saint and the large work of art. The caption doesn’t say, but I’m hoping and praying the artwork is made of velvet. It just seems right.

To get scholarly for a moment, the blown up section shows Death is smoking a joint, something you rarely see in religious art apart from Saint Jerry Garcia. He is also waving a scythe, similar to the one Saint Happy New Year! carries.

Finally, in big gold lettering on the frame we see SANTA MUERTE, which I believe translates to “Maybe we should have chosen another frickin’ career.”

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An AR-15 rifle is seen at the base of an altar to venerate Saint Death, inside a house seized by the army during an operation in Monterrey, northern Mexico June 23, 2009. The army seized a house used for storing marijuana and a lab producing cocaine during an operation early Tuesday. One man was detained and three more escaped, according to local media. REUTERS/Tomas Bravo

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Come in and have a seat, Mr. Johnson, and thanks for your application to join our little company.

Let’s see, it says here your last position was in Somalia! Well, that’s quite a long ways away, I guess. Iowa, or someplace?

And what line of work were you in over there? Ah, shipping-related? Interesting.

Your application says you were a freebooter, marauder, plunderer, corsair, brigand, picaroon… Those are all shipping terms, huh? Guess I’ll have to look some of ‘em up.

Says here you’re familiar with a Cutlass. Great! I’m an Oldsmobile man, too.

Now, I should warn you Mr. Johnson, we require our salesmen to actually wear pants on the job, so, you know, don’t be showing up here in your underwear like that.

I think that’ll do it for now, but I’ll need some references at your previous employer. Uh-huh? Dead? ALL of ‘em? Well, I guess we’ll just have to trust you then…

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Model presents creation as part of the Vivienne Westwood Spring/Summer 2010 men’s collection during Milan Fashion Week June 21, 2009. REUTERS/Stefano Rellandini

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Well, Madison Avenue gets screwed again!

Below, you can see photos of music legend Phil Spector released by corrections officials, without any of his numerous wigs, as he begins a sentence of 19 years to life for the 2003 murder of an actress.

But WAIT! The caption warns that these photos can’t be used for advertising campaigns.

Just suck it up, all you ad agencies champing at the bit to feature a bald, 69-year-old murderer to sell your Dentine or Lucky Charms or whatever.

Sorry, that goes for you guys with the Hair Club for Men advertising account, too.

But here’s what I really like about these photos. As if Spector doesn’t have enough trouble, they add insult to injury by releasing mugshots that show he barely covers the five-foot mark on the wall. Gee thanks, guys!

Spector’s wigs

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Above: Music producer Phil Spector in the Los Angeles Superior Court, for his sentencing for the February 2003 shooting death of actress Lana Clarkson, May 29, 2009. REUTERS/Al Seib/Pool

Left: Shots of Spector, dated June 5, 2009 and released June 10, 2009. REUTERS/California Department of Corrections/Handout. FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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A guy has been sentenced to five months in jail for snatching the toupee off the head of a politician. Five months, and I’m not making that up.

The court’s reasoning was that the wig-grabber deprived the lawmaker of his “freedom to look good.”

Honestly, I wasn’t even aware that there WAS a freedom to look good, or I would have exercised it long ago.

It seems like this landmark decision could be the basis for legal action against the makers of nose rings, pork pie hats and even worse stuff, if there IS worse stuff.

And surely barbers who give mullet haircuts could go to prison for life.

I’d give a lot to see this guy on his first day in the slammer, when he has to tell the other hardened cons that he’s doing time for wig-snatching. They may deprive  him of his freedom to look good pretty quickly.

Video of the wig incident

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Above: Not the guy in the story. Former Philippine presidential contender Eddie Gil touches his wig in 2004 file photo. REUTERS/ Erik de Castro

Left: Wigged women at the E3 Electronic Entertainment Expo in Los Angeles, June 2, 2009. REUTERS/Phil McCarten

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Okay, so they’ve appointed this new crime czar over in the West African nation of Guinea, to oversee the fight against drugs and serious crime.

Guys like that always call for more police, more convictions, blah blah blah. So let’s listen in and see what this dude, Captain Moussa Tiegboro Camara, suggests for fighting criminals.

He says burn ‘em. Just burn ‘em right up.

Holy crap! And he’s not talking about serial killers or nuclear terrorists, that’s just his suggestion for handling armed robbers.

“I’m asking you to burn all armed bandits who are caught red-handed committing an armed robbery,” is what he said yesterday. “The prisons are full and cannot take more people…”

I’d like to know what he has in store for more serious criminals, but I’m afraid to ask. I’m guessing it involves some combination of disembowelment, hungry rodents, Barry Manilow music and Brussels sprouts.

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Above: A police sign burns in the capital Conakry in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Saliou Samb

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Occasionally I do an item here having nothing remotely to do with humor, if it fits into a theme I call “Remind me what year this is, please?”

Right now, several people are on trial in the African country of Burundi, charged with murdering albinos to sell their body parts for use in witchcraft.

I’m going to mention what they are accused of again, in case you missed that. They are charged with killing albino human beings to sell their body parts.

It turns out more than 50 albinos have been murdered in Burundi and neighboring Tanzania in recent months. Witch doctors tell clients that albino body parts bring luck in love, life and business.

I don’t know too much about selling body parts, but if that many albinos have been killed, it’s pretty certain there is a viable market there.

Which leads me to wonder how much luck in love, life and business does a person have to want before shelling out money for the body parts of a fellow human being?

And by the way, I checked out the answer to my question: It seems this is 2009. Seriously.

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Above: A woman walks with her albino son to a courtroom in Ruyigi, Burundi, May 28, 2009. Prosecutors asked for life sentences for three people on trial for allegedly murdering albinos to sell their body parts for use in witchcraft.

Left: Kazungu Kassim (R), head of a Burundi albino association, listens to proceedings in the courtroom, May 28, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Jean Pierre Aime Harerimana

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For those of you still placing bets on the arrival of the Apocalypse, hurry up. It’s almost here.

These are police at “advanced motorcycle training.” I guessed it was a special squad trained to protect us from the growing threat of two-dimensional billboard art, but I was wrong.

The caption says it was a simulated incident of motorcycle police arriving at a high school with suspects shooting at them from windows and doors.

Excuse me? Jeez, isn’t this what SWAT teams are for? Or at least patrol cars?

So we’ve now reached a point where a dispatcher says, “We have reports of students shooting from doors and windows of Millard Fillmore High School. I need a motorcycle officer to drive by and see if it looks very serious.”

I’m no expert, but I would think “advanced motorcycle training” should stress getting the hell out of Dodge, and that firing INTO school doors and windows may actually introduce more danger for other students inside. But maybe that’s just me.

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James Armstrong of the Arvada, Colorado Police Department practices firing his weapon from a moving motorcycle during advanced motorcycle training in Golden, Colorado May 19, 2009. The class simulated motorcycle police arriving at a high school with suspects shooting at them from windows and doors as they rode up. REUTERS/ Rick Wilking

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Blog Guy, there is a lot of discussion about torture these days, you know?

And you want to add your thoughtful opinion to the debate?

No, I want to get me some torture stuff! Where can I do that?

Ah. Implements of torture are widely available. Many CD shops sell Barry Manilow music over-the-counter. And some disreputable groceries will even sell you brussels sprouts.

What if I want something even worse?

A collection of more than 250 antique torture devices is to be sold soon in New York City. To get around possible ethical issues, the seller promises an UNDISCLOSED percentage of the profits will go to charities fighting torture.

Undisclosed? No, if I’m going to consider buying this, I need to know how much will go to charity.

Well let’s see, how could this work? You want certain information from a guy, so how could you force him to tell you? Come on, slick, pay attention! It’s not rocket science!

Torture devices slideshow

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Top left: Singer Barry Manilow in 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

Top right: Shame masks, part of a privately owned collection of torture devices, are displayed at Guernsey’s auction house in New York, May 11, 2009. REUTERS/Eric Thayer

Right: Brussels sprouts. USDA photo.

Right: A torture chair from the collection, May 11, 2009. REUTERS/Eric Thayer

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