Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

You here for business or pleasure, Mr. Stinky?

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CHINA/

Man, the actual news is so goofy this week, I don’t even have to invent my own.

You take for instance this true story about a truck driver I like to call Mr. Stinky, who got caught trying to smuggle 28 TONS of garlic from Norway into Sweden. Jeez, what do you suppose tipped them off?

“Pssssssssst! Lamar! Come in here! Close the door.”

garlic fashion 240“Sure Boss. What do you need?”

“I want you to handle a little smuggling job for me, like you’ve done in the past.”

“What is it this time? Stolen art? Drugs?”

“No Lamar, it’s garlic.”

“You got vampire trouble again, Boss? How many cloves of garlic do you need?”

I’m gonna eat your heart! Uh, is that it?

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HANNIBAL

Welcome to another installment of our popular feature, Folks Who Didn’t Pay Attention in Anatomy Class.

Meet Nicolas, a French convict whose problems began when he simply asked his cellmate to wash his hands after he used the toilet.

Come for the beaches, stay for the bloodbaths

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MEXICO/

Jeez, I couldn’t make this news stuff up, even if they paid me a lot more than they do.

There is a serious drug war going on down in Mexico. Images of gruesome decapitations, charred and tortured bodies hanging from bridges, and brazen daytime shoot-outs are commonplace in the media.

You must be the Head Bear

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BRITAIN/

Blog Guy, I need you to settle a bet with the guy who’s asphalting my nephew’s driveway.

Yes, yes, fine, that’s my sole purpose for living, to settle bets. What is it this time?

Puff faster, I need to change your diaper

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Blog Guy, it’s Memorial Day! Isn’t that when you announce your coveted “Why Isn’t This Person in Jail Award?”

smoking baby 340Yes, what a good memory you have.

That’s a longstanding tradition in this blog that began way back, well, today… May I have the envelope please?

When handball turns hardball…

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Blog Guy, I know you closely follow all sports, and I have a question about handball.

Sure. But are you talking about regular handball, or Greek handball?

handball 1 490

Huh? What’s the difference?

In regular handball they use a ball. In Greek handball, they hurl chairs. Athletes who are accustomed to regular handball tend to be in for a surprise when they go to Greece to play.

The case of the missing roller skater…

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roller skater 490

Blog Guy, do you handle missing persons cases?

I’ve never done one before, but how hard could it be? Who’s missing?

roller skate crop 240My husband, Lamar. He took off eight years ago to get a large pepperoni pizza, and he never came back.

Out on a limb with Lindsay Lohan?

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lohan 490

Why me, Lord, why ME?

Okay, film production staff, as you know, we signed Lindsay Lohan to a huge three-movie deal and we’re about to begin production. Then, yesterday, a judge ruled that she has to wear this big black butt-ugly alcohol monitoring device on her ankle, 24/7, to make sure she doesn’t drink any booze. It NEVER comes off.

lohan vertical 200So Lamar, hand me those three scripts she’s supposed to start shooting next week. I’m hoping this bracelet device won’t interfere with the story-lines.

Make way for the Montreal Dumbasses!

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montreal shoes 490

“Yo, Lamar! Our team just won a hockey game! Let’s celebrate!”

“I have an idea, Lonnie, let’s be total dumbasses and loot a liquor store!”

What to do when you lock yourself out

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door block 490

Blog Guy, you seem to be in a foul mood today. Is anything wrong?

Don’t even get me started about my morning. It was the WORST!

door fire 280When I got to my office I realized I had left my key at home, and I didn’t want to go all the way back to get it.

What did you do?

The usual stuff. First I kicked the door a few times, really hard, but it wouldn’t open.