Oddly Enough Blog

Hey, I never said I’m proud of myself!

Blog Guy, I’ve just started a new blog, and I could use some advice from a veteran like yourself. What do you do if you want to get a lot of traffic, but you don’t want to work very hard for it?

That’s called cheap pandering to readers with click-bait, and blogging professionals don’t do it.

Yes, but just between you and me. If you wanted to pander, just once, what would you do?

I’d go for a wide audience. I’d anchor it with a really good new photo of Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge. A close-cropped face shot, just oozing with charm.

Very interesting. And then?

Then I’d raise the stakes with a panda sticking out his tongue or something very cute like that. Pandas are solid gold.

Who’s the cutest one of all?

I’m going to do something a little different today.

There is this writer named Bart King, whose job is almost as much fun as mine. He turns out books with titles like “Big Book of Gross Stuff” and “Pocket Guide to Mischief.”

His latest one, called “Cute! A Guide to All Things Adorable,” has just been published, and I enjoyed it very much. Bart offers clever insight into what makes things seem cute, and why.

My readers are interested in cute stuff, so I sent Bart six photos that have appeared here. I asked him to apply his own criteria and grade them on cuteness, which he was nice enough to do.

Bart says the LEAST cute one is the photo at the top, adding, “I find nothing cute about a group of immature pandas awaiting autopsies.”

Oh, did I mention this Bart guy can be fairly twisted?

When animals know all our secrets…

Blog Guy, my tax guy’s taxidermist told me something really creepy. He has close ties to the animal kingdom.

You mean from stuffing and mounting them?

Yeah. And he said animals are spying on humans, building up huge dossiers. He says ducks are the worst.

I think that’s a canard.

Blog Guy, are you ever going to get over the fact that the word “canard” is duck in French, but a false rumor in English?

Probably not. Look, some of this animal spying stuff may be true. It’s well known that chimpanzees conducted the 2010 census and know everything about us. Maybe the chimps sent some ducks out for a gander.

The duchess, the chimp and the corn dog

This blog’s August statistics are in, and once again, patterns are starting to form which will allow me to do a better job of reaching my audience. It’s all in knowing how to read the results.

Of the 10 most popular items, two were about politicians eating corn dogs, three involved very cute animals and two more featured Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge.

Our analysts now just have to figure out whether my readers are interested in politics, or in corn dogs. Please, please let it be the latter.

Excuse me now, I need to dictate a letter.

Dear Duchess of Cambridge, I would like to invite you to a photo shoot next summer at the Iowa State Fair. You will appear with an adorable panda cub, and we would like you to consume something which we Americans call a corn dog. It consists of… Oh, never mind, I’ll just get a stunt double duchess, instead…

Here they are, your 10 favorite posts for August:

10. Can YOU pass the Budapest Test?

Can YOU pass the Budapest Test?

Blog Guy, I know you have a background in education. What is the most widely accepted test to identify people with extremely low IQs?

The standard practice is just to look for people who wear baseball caps backwards. It’s foolproof, so to speak.

Yes, but I understand that method is most accurate on teenage boys. Is there a test that can be applied to a broader spectrum?

There is the so-called Budapest Test, but it’s relatively new.

Tell me about it.

They gave cardboard boxes containing swimwear to 10,000 people and one orangutan, when it was 100 degrees outside under the relentless August sun.

Obama’s golden opportunity?

Okay staff, we all know we’ve got a problem. The president isn’t as popular as he used to be. His numbers are down, and the Republicans are slinging mud. Anybody got an idea?

Uh, could he save a small child from a burning runaway freight train, Boss?

Hmmmm. Not bad, Lamar, but he’s done that twice already. I think he needs something different this time.

Hey Boss, it’s just a thought, but maybe it’s time to call in Brady?

BRADY! Yes! The incredible image-boosting golden retriever! That’s brilliant! Is Brady available?

Yeah, but you know Brady, he’s still making all those demands.

WARNING: Contents may be too cute for some viewers

Blog Guy, I guess this is a tough time for you. I mean, it’s summer and people are doing other things, so your blog traffic must have dropped.

Yeah, it always plummets during the summer months.

Is there anything you can do to attract readers? You know, any little tricks?

Well, normally when it gets really bad I pay a chimpanzee to feed milk to a tiger cub. Then I get photos that are adorable beyond comprehension, and run them in my blog.

No way! Doesn’t that violate some kind of Blogger Code of Ethics or something?

Only if the blogging authorities catch me doing it. You won’t tell anybody, will you?

The top 10 posts for a goofy June…

June was a very good month for the blog. Our traffic statistics showed that readers flocked to information they could use, along with our hard-hitting exposés of, you know, stuff.

We suggested a Father’s Day gift Dad will never forget, we told you how the rich and powerful manage to look better than you do, and we even told you how to get George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend. Maybe.

We warned you about a very bad idea for a contest, and a retail shopping trend that needs to be stopped quickly.

Did anybody else bring you both the world’s cutest bear AND the secret message on Sarah Palin’s palm? No wonder this is the blog you can’t do without.

Here were my 10 most popular posts for June:

10. The very worst contest idea ever?

Act now, and get a free BONUS photo!

Blog Guy, I really enjoyed your item on Medo, the world’s cutest bear, visiting your blog a few days ago.

Thanks, that one was very popular. Readers loved Medo.

Can you give us some more pix of him?

Sure, you got it. I’ll do it right now as my Sunday blog post, and then I can go back to sleep.

Not so fast, Speedy. You owe us something more than that if it’s the only post of the day. It can’t just be more shots of Medo, no matter how cute he is.

Cutest bear on earth visits my blog

Blog Guy, have you ever done anything as a blogger that you’re really ashamed of?

Nothing that anybody can prove.

Really? Nothing?

Okay, okay, I guess you’ve heard I hired Medo the Bear Cub to do cute stuff on my blog today. I mean, we’re heading into the summer lull and I need the traffic.

I’m not proud of it. I spent most of my promotional budget for the year, but it’s worth it.

For an extra $75 Medo will even hug a dog. I guess he’s as shameless as I am.