Blog Guy, you wrote recently that they’re starting to use cats for security jobs. Are other new uses being found for cats?

Yes indeed. Many people have started using their cats to do their grocery shopping.

Wait a minute. What do the supermarkets think of that trend?

They LOVE it! Now they can build stores with ceilings just two feet off the ground. In the Midwest, Cats ‘n’ Carts is the fastest-growing supermarket chain!

And there’s absolutely no downside?

Well, naturally some small compromises are required. You have to be prepared to have your cat bring home whatever he feels like getting, whenever he feels like getting it.

I can live with that. Anything else?

Yes. Most cats are hopeless with coupons.

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Animal trainer Karen Thomas works with Rizzo, a rescued cat, as it pushes a shopping cart at a cat show in New York, October 15, 2008. REUTERS/ Chip East

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A phobic fear of dirt and filth is not something you expect to find in a pig.

Something like that could certainly hamper a pig’s lifestyle, what with all the mud-wallowing and slopping and troughing that are expected of you. Unless maybe…

Unless your personality disorder gets you your own pair of Wellington boots so you can stay clean, which makes people think you’re adorable and attracts attention. And that gives your owners the idea to keep you around as a mascot,  instead of using you for that other thing they do, at their sausage company.

If you want to know what really seems to be going on here, read a beloved children’s book called “Charlotte’s Web.” And then think about a real piglet named Cinders, her unlikely problem, and just maybe a pretty talented friend.

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Blog Guy, I’ve heard there’s this town someplace that’s completely run by dogs. Could this possibly be true?

Yes, indeed. The dogs were given several acres of wooded land about five years ago, as an experiment to see what they could accomplish.

That’s amazing! So what was the result?

Well, it seems like eating and sleeping were the only things on their to-do list.

I don’t think you’re being fair. Show me some pictures of their downtown!

That’s what you’re seeing here. The rest of the town isn’t this up-market. Of course, the dogs say they’ve done a lot more than a bunch of cats would have. They also say they can make tourists very, very happy, if they ever get any.

Related, sort of: Mutt-mobile: can Spot design your car?

Rescue dogs rest before training as part of the Olympic Rescue Dog Team at a fire-fighting base in Beijing June 5, 2008. REUTERS/Claro Cortes IV

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Blog Guy, a few weeks ago you had a post called Please bear with me… where you invited readers to help choose the cutest animal on Earth - polar bears or giant pandas. Was that ever resolved?

No, and don’t even get me started. Those pandas turned out to be, excuse me, overbearing. They sent their “committee” to meet with me, and they never left.

They just sit around in my front yard, drinking bamboo schnapps and ordering cheap Chinese carry-out, and then tossing the containers in my bushes. And I’m so tired of the bawdy limericks they make up! Trust me, guys, “panda” doesn’t rhyme with “Wanda” as well as you think it does!

I’m inclined to call the contest in favor of polar bears, who are clean and pleasant and enjoy classical music, but I’m afraid the pandas would trash my place. I guess it’s a stand-off at this point.

Please bear with me…

REUTERS/
China Daily

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Blog Guy, I know you like to stop being obnoxious every so often and show a soft side, with cute animal pictures and stuff like that. How about doing something nice for Mothers Day, so I can e-mail it to my mom instead of buying a card?

Well, maybe just this once. In fact, I tucked away this wonderful photo back in March, with exactly this occasion in mind. But don’t worry, the Express Train to Hell will stop here bright and early on Monday, as usual.

More cute animal babies and moms

A newborn baby orangutan rests in the arms of its mother Mona at the zoo in Aalborg March 18, 2008. REUTERS/Scanpix/Henning Bagger

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Blog Guy, I saw your Cute Animal Showdown between pandas and polar bears a few days ago. Our family voted and we await the results. Meanwhile, there are other adorable animals. Can you toss us some variety?

I guess you’re right. Would three six-day-old tiger cubs do the trick? The usual bit of advice that comes with these pictures: If you can’t think of anybody who would love to get these guys in an e-mail from you, then you need some new friends.

And for those who haven’t yet visited the big All-Star Adorable mega-match, stop by Please bear with me…

Unlimited cute animals

Amur tiger cubs sit in a wooden bowl at a private zoo in Ukraine, April 21, 2008. They were born on April 15. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Blog Guy, every now and then  you stop being sarcastic long enough to feature cute animals on your blog. But lately, they’ve all been polar bear cubs from Germany. One right after another. Are you on the German zoo payroll?

No way. I have ethical standards, and anyway, the Germans zoos haven’t offered. I’ve actually been working to choose the world’s cutest variety of animal, and I’ve narrowed it down to pandas and polar bears. I want as many opinions as possible, so check out these posts and get back to me.

Flake Slideshow
Polar bear slideshow
Panda slideshow
Tending their Flocke…
Knut the Cute…
More adorability than the average person can take…
Family portrait

Polar Bear and mother: REUTERS/ Alex Grimm  

Panda: REUTERS/Alfred Cheng Jin

Polar Bear: REUTERS/ Wilhelma Zoologisch-Botanischer Garten/Handout

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Blog Guy! This is SO cool! I’ve just read that the Germans put Knut the polar bear on their stamps! Don’t you love that? Do you keep track of the new postage stamps in the States?

Yeah, sort of. My impression is that we could use more cute animals on our stamps.

As usual I have done no time-consuming research on this, but as I recall the last new U.S. postage stamp featured that unnamed Star Trek crewman who always got beamed down with the regulars and never came back.

Or wait, it might have been that old comic book character, Little Lotta, from the short-lived Politically Incorrect Postage series, which it turned out most people were afraid to use. The Post Office was - excuse me - stuck with millions of those things, featuring characters I can’t even mention here.

Related incorrectness: Animated duo lights up the screen…

Lotta: Wikipedia

New Deutsche Post postage stamp with a photo of polar bear cub Knut is pictured in Berlin April 9, 2008. REUTERS/Hannibal Hanschke

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Blog Guy, I have a HUGE money-making idea. Can I swear you to secrecy?

Sure. And all my readers, too. They won’t tell.

Cool. I’m writing a show where animals recreate historic scenes. Gettysburg, Iwo Jima, the Wright brothers, ALL done by animals! I even want to have “Kilroy was here,” that cartoon from World War II. You think an animal could do that?

Hmm. Me and my readers might be able to help you out, for a price…

More cute animals

Polar bear cub Flocke rests in a new outside enclosure at the zoo in Nuremberg on April 8, 2008. REUTERS/ Michaela Rehle

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Blog Guy,

Don’t get me wrong, I love to see your funny stuff about bizarre fashions and stupid careers and so on, but I really love those adorable animal pictures you sometimes have. Do you have anything new?

Good timing, faithful reader. I have a fresh photo of Flocke, the Nuremberg polar bear, so enjoy it. As always, if you don’t know anybody who would love to receive this picture from you, then you need a whole new circle of friends. Also, check out more cute animals.

A handout picture shows polar bear cub Flocke at the zoo in Nuremberg March 27, 2008. REUTERS/Handout/Tiergarten Nurenberg

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