Blog Guy, I saw a photo of a ballerina smoking, which really disturbed me. I think of everything having to do with ballet as being healthy and squeaky-clean.

You couldn’t be more wrong. As an art form, classic ballet makes rap look like gospel singing. At least this ballerina is smoking backstage. Until fairly recently, dancers smoked and took swigs from vodka bottles while dancing onstage.

Are you sure about this, Blog Guy?

Oh, grow up. Have you seen “The Sleeping Beauty,” one of the most popular ballets? The subtext here is that the princess is too hammered to stand up.

No!

And THE most endearing ballet, “The Nutcracker.” Oh please, giant dancing mice battle a walnut-cracking soldier? That’s an absinthe and acid flashback if ever there was one!

Wait a second, Blog Guy. Surely my very favorite, “Swan Lake,” is a wholesome tale?

Oh, you mean “Those Swans are So Beautiful, Hand me my Crossbow?”

Blog Guy, do you really know anything about the ballet?

About as much as any other subject. Why do you ask?

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Above: A Croatian ballet dancer smokes in a theater cafe during a break in rehearsals for a new ballet show, in Zagreb, November 26, 2009. REUTERS/Nikola Solic

Right: A general view during the dress rehearsal for The Nutcracker ballet at the Sadlers Wells Theatre in London, in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Eddie Keogh

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Blog Guy, help settle an argument with my wife. What’s the most popular dance? I say it’s the tango, but she says it’s the samba. So? So? Which is it?

You’re both wrong. It’s the naked hokey pokey. Haven’t you noticed the proliferation of naked hokey pokey dance clubs and cable shows?  Where do you live, Wyoming?

I think I would know about something like that. How did this craze get started, anyway?

Think about it. If you’re dressed, there are limits to the body parts you can put in and out and shake them all about. But if you get buck-naked, it adds, uh, variety.

Blog Guy, are you totally out of you mind?

Well sure, but that’s a different topic. Are we done with the naked hokey pokey?

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Men undergo a medical examination for the People’s Liberation Army land forces in Zhaoping county, Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region November 20, 2009.  REUTERS/China Daily

Dancers perform during a dress rehearsal of the tango musical Tanguera at Berlin’s Staatsoper, July 9, 2009. REUTERS/Thomas Peter  

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Blog Guy, I get ALL of my news from your blog!

You must be an interesting guest at dinner parties.

Yes, I am. So can you give us the inside scoop on the Pittsburgh G20 meeting?

Oh, you mean the Pittsburgh Prom… They just try to make it sound like a G20 meeting so people don’t complain so much about the cost.

it was really a gathering of a bunch of world leaders who love ballroom dancing, as you can see in these random news photos.

They show each other new dance steps, practice their manners and stuff like that. Sort of a debutante kind of deal.

I think that’s a big fat lie. You know why? Because NOBODY would want to dance with…

Hey! Stifle yourself! If you can’t say something nice about a world leader, then don’t say anything at all!

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Above: assorted Pittsburgh G20 shots. REUTERS photos

Lower left: France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy and U.S. President Barack Obama at the G20 Summit in Pittsburgh, September 24, 2009. REUTERS/Philippe Wojazer

Lower right: U.S. first lady Michelle Obama at an opening reception and working dinner. REUTERS/Philippe Wojazer

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Listen up, folks, let’s show everybody why we’re the best ad agency around. Now, we’ve been hired by this religious movement out of Bulgaria.

They’ve been around awhile, but they’re not well known, so they want us to promote their name a bit. Sounds like an easy one.

So, it says here these guy are called the…

Uh-oh. They’re called the “White Brotherhood.” How unfortunate. It seems they wear white outfits and walk kinda like zombies.

Okay, let’s brainstorm it a bit, throw some ad slogans at the wall and see who salutes. Here’s what I’ve got:

• The White Brotherhood! Don’t confuse us with those dudes in prison!
• The White Brotherhood! We don’t plan to eat your brains!
• The White Brotherhood! We only get ONE wife!
• The White Brotherhood! Hey, at least we’re not Hari Krishna!
  

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Members of a religious movement, the White Brotherhood, perform a ritual dance near Babreka lake, south of Sofia, Bulgaria, August 19, 2009, as part of celebration of their New Year. Their teaching is a synthesis of Christianity and Hinduism with a heavy emphasis on brotherly love, healthy diet and living in harmony with nature. REUTERS/Stoyan Nenov

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Blog Guy, some of us readers were noticing you never take a day off. You post stuff constantly.

I can’t take time off. There’s too much goofy stuff in the world. If I let my guard down, it’s the end of life as we know it.

But we can be smart-assed and snarky, too. Couldn’t you just get us started and then we could take it from there?

Wow, that’s very considerate of you! Okay, let’s try. Here are some photos from the Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop showing Prince Charles, wearing a kilt and making dopey faces at Highland Games in Scotland. Take it away!

Wait, Blog Guy! Tell us what words we can’t use! Sarcasm is harder than it looks!

I can’t hear you, I’m already enjoying my morning off…….

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Britain’s Prince Charles watches highland dancers perform during the Mey Highland Games in Caithness, northern Scotland August 8, 2009. REUTERS/ David Moir

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For those of you who are always badgering me for female Democratic Secretary of State gossip, do I have some juicy stuff for you!

The photos down below, from a party in Nairobi last night, show Secretary of State Hillary Clinton really cutting loose on the dance floor while hubby Bill was having no fun in North Korea.

But here’s the thing. Note the Hillary photo captions are carefully marked, NOT FOR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS!

What’s that about? Washington insiders know it’s a slap at former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, who now runs The Secretary of State Dance Studio and is desperate for pix to show the chicks who hold that position being hip and with-it.

Since these pictures are off limits until Hillary decides to open HER OWN dance studio, that leaves Madeleine scrounging for those shots of former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice doing the twist, and we’re already tired of those!

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Above: U.S. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright participates in a traditional dance in front of children in a 2000 file photo. REUTERS/Carlos Linares

Blog Guy, like many of your readers I have very special fashion needs. I dance the flamenco.

You mean those festive pink birds like I have in my front yard?

No, those are flamingos. I dance the flamenco. You know, with castanets.

That candy you get at the movies?

No, those are Raisinets! Please try to follow me. I clap my hands and stamp my feet a lot.

Yeah, my son used to do that when I wouldn’t buy him a box of castanets.

You seem like a very stupid person, Blog Guy.

Maybe, but I’m not the one who wants to dress like a lawn ornament.

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Above: Flamingos crowd in a restroom at Miami’s Metro Zoo for protection from a hurricane in 1998 file photo.

Right: Models present creations by Lina during a Flamenco Fashion Show on Triana bridge in Seville, July 20, 2009. REUTERS/ Marcelo del Pozo

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Welcome back to our popular feature, Stuff Maybe we Should Have Mentioned in the Caption, but Didn’t.

The real actual caption on this photo on the right tells us “A man dances with his rifle on his head” during a festival.

Well, yeah, I can see that, and I’m sure nothing could possibly go wrong, but it still makes me wonder. Because where I grew up, dancing with a rifle on your head definitely went on your permanent high school record.

There’s more. Another caption, below, tells us a dancer is shooting his rifle during the festival.

This appears to be a religious festival, and since I live in a country that has very recently debated taking guns into church services I guess this is a sensitive subject, but… Maybe Morocco could spring for some NRA gun safety courses before next year’s festival? It’s just a thought.

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A man dances with his rifle on his head during the festival of Moulay Abdessalam saint near Tetouan July 1, 2009. Thousands of pilgrims from all over Morocco attend the  pilgrimage to the saint’s tomb.

A dancer shoots his rifle during the festival.

REUTERS photos by Rafael Marchante

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A reader named Kelli, in Texas, writes, “Bob, I’m starting to enter serious beauty pageants, and I’m looking for something to perform in the talent portion. I was planning to twirl a baton while whistling ‘The Yellow Rose of Texas… ‘”

Well Kelli, that’s fine. But as we’re no longer living in the 1950s maybe you should be a bit more edgy.

Take this contestant in the Miss Universe Japan competition. Either her talent is cardiopulmonary resuscitation, or else she did an actual lap dance onstage. There’s something you don’t see all the time.

I wasn’t sure this would be seen as proper, but I went to a site that tells about choosing your talent, and it said, “…anything you can perform onstage is acceptable.” If you’ve seen “Miss Saigon,” you know that doesn’t rule out very much.

The site also advises, “Take your talent public. Look for opportunities to perform in recitals, church or community groups.”

It looks to me like this woman has rehearsed plenty, though I’m not sure it was at church groups. So rethink the baton, and let me know if you want to follow in the stiletto heels of this contestant.

Oh, and did I mention? She won.

Pageant slideshow

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Winner of Miss Universe Japan 2009 Emiri Miyasaka performs during the Miss Universe Japan finals in Tokyo, May 11, 2009. REUTERS/Toru Hanai

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Jack be limbo, Jack be quick, Jack go unda limbo stick
All around the limbo clock, Hey, let’s dance just like Barack!

Blog Guy, as an observer of the Washington scene, can you tell us what sort of stuff President Barack Obama likes to do for fun? How does he relax?

Remember, he spent time in Hawaii and his heart is never far from the beach. His idea of a great time is a limbo party.

Limbo? You mean like Chubby Checker and Calypso and ‘How LOW can you go?’

You bet. Check him out here, showing off his moves to some other limbo dudes.

Blog Guy, this is just stupid, even by your standards. For one thing, he’s supposed to be facing up, not down!

You think anybody is gonna tell the president he’s doing the dance wrong? When he limbos under that stick, six Secret Service guys with drawn guns limbo with him. It’s quite a sight.

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President Barack Obama bends underneath a guard to pose with workers after speaking at the wind energy production facility, Trinity Structural Towers Manufacturing Plant, during an Earth Day visit in Newton, Iowa, April 22, 2009. REUTERS/Larry Downing

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