Oddly Enough Blog

Hey! You want a piece of Joe?

Blog Guy, it’s been a while since you wrote about those Government Death Panels that Sarah Palin warned us about. I suppose you’ve been frightened off the story, like the rest of the media?

No way. I’ve just been undercover, learning about the organizational structure of the panels.

Structure? The Death Panels need their own bureaucracy?

Sure, this is Washington, DC, right? Death Panels are considered an entitlement program, although most of the recipients would rather not be entitled.

So who’s in charge of them, then?

It goes all the way up to Vice President Joe Biden. He’s in Mongolia this week, learning to kill silently. I’ve seen the photos.

Can I pull the plug during a shutdown?

Blog Guy, this federal government shutdown has me really worried. I had hoped to get rid of my do-nothing son-in-law, but I wonder if those Government Death Panels will be answering their phones.

Not to worry. Essential services like the military, airport security and Death Panels will continue to operate.

Death Panels are considered essential services?

You bet. We can’t have people living longer than they’re supposed to, can we?

No, I guess not, but how will they get paid?

That’s not a problem. The Death Panels work largely on tips.

Hang on, we’re goin’ over a bump!

Blog Guy, you’ve written a lot about those Government Death Panels. I was wondering, do they have special vehicles I should watch for in case they stop at my house?

Some do, but most of them just travel in their own cars and put in for mileage.

Then how do they carry the weapons they use in their job?

Well, you can hang on to them from the window of a sedan, or if you have rifles you can stick them out the sunroof, er, gun roof.

Wow, so those panels really are a reality now, just like Sarah Palin warned. I suppose I should think about what my very last words will be. Any suggestions?

Sure. How about, “Hang on to that rocket launcher, Lonnie, I’m pullin’ into this gas station…”

Well, are you Daddy’s little helper today?

Blog Guy, you’ve done a great job of reporting on those Government Death Panels, but how about doing sort of a behind-the-scenes look at their job?

That’s a great idea. We sent a photographer to one of their branch offices, in Nevada, to watch them get ready for a busy day of putting folks out of their misery.

Now, this is fascinating, Blog Guy! You should do more human interest stuff like this.

Um, I can’t help noticing there is a kid with a gun in one of the pictures.

Right. It must have been “Take Your Children to Work Day,” so I guess some of the Death Panelists let the young ones tag along. You know, shoot a few people, have lunch at McDonald’s, shoot a few more people…

Well, it’s never too early to learn to help others, I suppose. One more question. What’s the deal with those animals in one of the photos?

Mr. Custer, a Death Panel wants to see us

Blog Guy, I continue to be impressed that you’re the only blogger giving us comprehensive coverage of those U.S. Government Death Panels that Sarah Palin warned us would be part of health care reform.

I do have a question for you. This is a fairly recent concept, right?

Far from it. Death Panels to relieve suffering are an old idea. A number of countries have tried them.

Really? How far back do Death Panels go?

At least back to 1836, when a Mexican Death Panel arrived at the Alamo.

Wait a minute. THE Alamo? That was a Mexican Death Panel operation?

Good luck will rub off when I shake ‘ands with you…

Blog Guy, it looks to me like those Government Death Panels you write about still aren’t popular. Is President Obama doing anything to help sell them as part of his health care reform?

Sure. I guess you haven’t seen his promotional video based on the classic kids’ movie, “Mary Poppins.”

It features an updated version of the film’s iconic umbrella scene, remade with Barack and Michelle taking off and floating over Washington, DC.

Amazing! Do the Obamas actually sing?

Do they ever! They’ve done a great job on the movie’s beloved song, “A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Medicine go Down.”

Plus, it’s uncanny how appropriate the actual lyrics are in selling the Death Panel concept:

“In every job that must be done, There is an element of fun, “You find the fun and SNAP! The job’s a game…”

Hi, we’re the Death Panel! Is now a good time?

Blog Guy, you’re the only journalist in the country who is seriously covering those Government Death Panels that Sarah Palin warned us about, which were created under health care reform. These things are evil and brutal, and I hope you get a Pulitzer for your work.

Thanks, you’re much too kind. I do consider it a major  story. Did you have a question about the panels?

I sure do. Are they hiring?

Um, I believe so. I just got a glossy recruiting brochure called “Hasta la Vista, Baby,” showing the panels doing their job in innovative ways.

But I have to ask, if you think the  death panels are evil and brutal, why would you want to work for them?

Well, they still seem kinder and more decent than the folks at the Department of Motor Vehicles.  So could you set up a job interview for me? I’m a longtime reader of your blog.

It’s another razzle-dazzle death!

Blog Guy, you seem to be the only one really covering those Government Death Panels that were created by the health reform law.

I guess like most federal agencies, they’ve probably settled into a certain predictable sameness by now, right?

Far from it, reader. Instead of just trying to get by doing as little as possible, as I’ve been told some government workers do, the Death Panels are competing with each other for the most spectacular kills.

Nobody would ever have guessed this level of theatrical showmanship would have evolved so quickly.

Here are some recent shots of the Death Panels in action as they carry out their Grand Guignol-style responsibilities.

But Blog Guy, these photos are grotesque! Sledge hammers? Bricks? Armor? Bull machines?

It’s quiet, the Death Panel must be reloading

Blog Guy, I’ve appreciated your items on those Government Death Panels that came with the health care reform package. You’re the only one who tells it like it is. I mean, just you and Fox News.

As I understand it, they have to come to our home, right? They can’t do anything in public?

Sorry, but if you read the really fine print of the of the Death Panel Creation Act, they can go anywhere.

Oh no! But they have to do it in a humane way, right, putting people to sleep quietly with an injection?

No, it turns out that was too labor-intensive. Here lately, they’ve taken to using shotguns, machine guns and grenades, and they travel in packs on boats and pickup trucks, as you can see in these photos.

This is worse than I ever imagined! But from the pictures at least it doesn’t look like they come at us from the sky.

Honey, the Death Panel is here! It’s for you!

Blog Guy, since the passage of the new health care reform you’ve been great about following the creation of those Government Death Panels that will go door-to-door deciding if we live or die. Is there anything new on them?

Yes, but I need to correct you. They won’t go “door-to-door.” They will visit carefully screened addresses, where somebody sent an e-mail to death@deathpanels.gov to point out that the resident has been sneezing a lot, or walking with a limp or something.

Thanks for setting me straight. Granny will be happy to hear that.

Anyhow, they’ve finally settled on uniforms. Sort of half-surgeon, half-soldier. Here they are in uniform outside their office, just waiting to be called in by some agency needing their services.

I see. Which agencies are expected to make use of them? I want to make sure I stay on their good side.

Good question. It says here they can be sent out by the IRS, DMV, PBS, the University of Wisconsin Alumni Association and uh-oh…