Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
Car Pool Fool
You know, I still think you and your car pool pals should be betting on something other than this, or maybe even saving up in case your kids get into college. But I have to admit you may be pleased with the March results.
Here are the five most popular posts, starting with number five and working my way down to the top slot, like the big guys do it:
That brings us to Bayou Bob, of Bayou Bob’s Brazos River Rattlesnake Ranch. Texas authorities say he was selling bottles of vodka with dead baby rattlesnakes.
Maybe he’s not quite the unluckiest guy alive, but he’ll do until Mr. Unlucky comes along. A shepherd in Russia is suing his country’s space agency after a 10-foot-long chunk of metal from a rocket fell into his yard, just missing his outdoor toilet.
He wasn’t in it at the time, but it’s still way too close for me. Would you want your obit to say you died when space rubble pulverized your outhouse? “Hold your horses, honey, I’m almost done! Can you toss in another roll of Charmin, so I can…”
Welcome to a feature we call “Euphemisms in the News.” The genuine photo caption here tells us “people try to avoid a bull which was set loose in the town center…as part of yearly celebrations…”
Um, do these folks not have access to the news? Doesn’t it seem a better way to avoid the bull would be to NOT come downtown that day?
Confidential memo to fashion show staff: Now, please keep an open mind about this, because times are tough and we still need to cut more costs. We spend a fortune putting on these shows, and why? Because we use live models!
But what if we used dead ones? I don’t mean like really old gross decayed ones, but you know, just very recently departed ones. They don’t complain about the outfits, they don’t talk back and the only cost is some dry ice!
I work in Hell. Oh, don’t seem so surprised. It’s a service industry just like anything else! We greet the newcomers, stoke the fires, cook the Brussels sprouts, and so on.
I want clothes that fit with the mood, but still let me have a social life. Outfits that say, ”Welcome to eternal damnation, do you know anybody looking for a fun time?”
What’s amazing is they were charged with attempted forgery, but it turned out it was not illegal to wheel a chair around with a body in it!
We ran a story about this tavern whose chicken wings are so spicy, folks who order them have to sign a waiver saying they won’t sue. We immediately heard from readers who said they know lots of places that do the same. Are you KIDDING? So, “If you eat our food and go into a coma that’s tough,” is now a marketing strategy?
What do you suppose these release forms say, anyway? Maybe something like, “Our cook never bathes, we get our chickens from a toxic dump and marinate them overnight in a toilet bowl full of caustic drain cleaner, and by the way if you sign this document, welcome to the U.S. Marines.”
I’m always looking for careers that might interest my readers, and you recent grads may want to consider the exciting field of professional mourning. It turns out, some families will pay total strangers to sob, convulse and crawl on the ground at funerals.
You’re thinking, Bob, that sounds too easy, but it’s not. You just try weeping on command. Generally, people who can do that break down into several groups:
I’m getting a stream of e-mails from college seniors, frantic over what kind of career to choose in just a few months. Okay, write this down: if there is a job opportunity in which you are expected to hold an apple in your mouth while a dude the color of a Smurf slices into it with a chainsaw, that is not a career for you, even if it pays $8.20 an hour and is sort of show business.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m sure this young woman’s parents are very proud of her, and she is getting to see Peru. But if she had taken more home economics courses, or even watched a classic Honeymooners episode, she would know there are far easier ways to disassemble fruit.