It’s nice to see religions grow and everything, but I’m just not sure about this one.

We’ve got some photos from Mexico of followers of Saint Death, who it turns out is revered by drug traffickers and other criminals.

This saint, who isn’t recognized by the Catholic Church, is a scythe-wielding skeletal figure believed to perform miracles for criminals. So then what are lawyers for?

This isn’t totally compatible with my view of what saints do, but with all the saints there are it stands to reason there would be at least one who never read the manual.

And this could help explain some recent events, like how those executives managed to get huge bonuses out of companies in the toilet and stuff like that.

“Work faster, Eddie! Saint Death says the cops are coming! What? Oh, he says the combination to that safe is…”

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Above: A Saint Death tattoo.

Below: A follower of “Saint Death” takes part in a protest in Mexico City, April 5, 2009, after authorities destroyed a shrine to the “saint” in the violent border town of Nuevo Laredo. Church officials and police say “Santa Muerte” is revered by drug traffickers and criminals who pray to the image for miracles.

REUTERS photos by Daniel Aguilar

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Sorry to get serious for a moment readers, but… Death. Our inevitable fate.

There’s just something about death that makes us as human beings want to stand in front of it and get our fricking picture snapped.

That’s right. That’s what these guys are doing near this whale carcass. For all we know there may be a LINE of tourists waiting to use the thing as a scenic backdrop, like it’s the White House or something!

“Hey Emily, look at this picture from way back in 2009! Remember that day? I was wearing that very unfortunate swirly blue swimsuit, and we saw that big dead whale!

“I had Grampa hold you there for this picture, but a killer shark came out of the whale and bit Grampa in half, and then you were in therapy for 15 years. Good times!

“Oh, look at this one, Emily! It’s you in front of that dead Mafia guy in Little Italy!”

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Tourists take pictures near the carcass of a whale on a beach in Sanya, Hainan province, March 28, 2009. The whale measured 23 feet in length and weighed more than 2,200 pounds. REUTERS/ China Daily

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Over in Italy, they found the remains of a female “vampire,” buried with a brick jammed between her jaws to prevent her from feeding on plague victims.

Right. Apparently scientists have discounted the more obvious explanation, that maybe she just had one of those high shrill voices that really irritated people.

Our story says gravediggers reopening mass graves would come across bodies bloated by gas, with hair still growing and blood seeping from their mouths, and believe them to be still alive.

This explains not only the origins of vampire myths, but also why “Mass Grave Reopener” is often listed pretty far down among career choices, just above proctologist.

Why am I mentioning this? To point out that the caption on the handout photo below says you can’t use it for advertising campaigns.

So too bad! You guys over at Acme Long-lasting Bricks are just out of luck. Same goes for you, Acme Primitive Dental Supply Co. Just live with it!

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Above: A model presents a creation at Albania Fashion Week in 2008 file photo. REUTERS/ Arben Celi

Below: Undated handout photo from University of Florence shows remains of a female “vampire” from 16th-century Venice. REUTERS/Handout NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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Okay, listen up, staff. If we want to grab the Michelin advertising account, we need to go in a bold new direction.

The world is in turmoil. Nobody wants to see some jolly inflated bozo, waving like an idiot.

So, our creative team has come up with Lady Skidmarks, designed to petrify folks at the very thought of riding on any other brand of tires.

Those familiar rolls in her dress represent not only tires, but Dante’s circles of hell, as well. Pure genius, eh?

Next, please turn your attention to our cutting-edge concept for changing the Pillsbury Doughboy to the “Pillsbury Artery-Clogging Death-Muffin Man.”

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Michelin Man hot air balloon in 1997 file photo. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

Model presents a creation from Japanese designer Junya Watanabe’s Fall/Winter 2009/10 women’s collection during Paris Fashion Week, March 7, 2009. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

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Here we have another one of those situations where it would be nice to know just a little more about what’s going on in some photos.

The caption explains that these dudes are hunting for scorpions in a desert in Egypt, but it doesn’t say what they plan to do with the things. That means, under the terms of my contract, I have to MAKE UP stuff instead of using facts.

So here are a few of my guesses. These fat, juicy scorpions are….

* hunted on a regular basis because, heck, there’s no HBO in the area.

* sweetened and molded into the popular breakfast cereal, Little Frosted Scorpios.

* put into a huge scorpion press over at the bottling plant to make the refreshing soft drink “Stinger Zinger.”

* shipped live to Cairo in time for March 1, “Live Scorpions Down Your Pants Day!”

Naturally, if you have other suggestions, they’re more than welcome.

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Hunting for scorpions in a desert near Abu Simbel, southern Egypt, February 19, 2009. REUTERS/Goran Tomasevic

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This is the exciting moment we’ve been waiting for. The envelope, please? And the 2009 Parents of the Year award goes to…

Here is a video report about an 11-year-old matador who killed SIX young bulls, despite opposition from child protection and anti-bullfighting groups.

The kid gets his name in Guinness, and the young bulls get zip.

But the coveted Parents of the Year award is actually shared this time, between the mini- matador’s folks, and the parents who reportedly took their children to witness this bloodfest.

“Hey, honey! It says here some kid is gonna torture six bulls to death with large fondue forks! Grab the little guys, it’s showtime!”

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A number of readers wrote in following my recent post about the guy who holds the world record for the largest number of scorpions in his mouth.

While many people would rather not put scorpions where they chew their beef jerky, they seem eager to go for some other record in the scorpion category.

There are lots to choose from. This woman here just set a record for the longest stay with 5,000 live adult scorpions.

And that isn’t all. Here are some of the other records still up for grabs:

• Most live scorpions up your nose
• Most live scorpions hidden in your uncle’s hoagie
• Most live scorpions in your high school graduating class
• Most live scorpions left under the seat in dark a Port-a-john

Line up, folks, there are plenty of scorpions to go around!

Video of the Scorpion Queen

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Thailand’s ‘Scorpion Queen’ Kanchana Kaetkaew, poses with scorpions at the Ripley’s Believe It or Not museum in Pattaya, January 24, 2009. Kanchana set a new 33 day record for the longest stay with 5,000 live adult scorpions. REUTERS/Sukree Sukplang

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Blog Guy, I envy you for getting to spend  your time looking through nice photographs. What a pleasant life.

HAH! You only think that because you don’t see the pictures I’m protecting my readers from. Here’s a sampling of photos I’ve had to look at in recent days.

* A policeman passes severed heads inside the…
* Devotees sever buffalo calf’s head…
* A crocodile bites a zebra’s head as it crosses…
* Pakistani investigator takes picture of severed head…
* Paris Hilton poses during a photocall…
* Man slaughters sheep in…
* Head of sheep lies in bucket in…
* Man slaughters goat in building in…
* The body of a suspected militant lies…

These are all real. You still think this sounds like fun? Now please excuse me, I’m making some chili for my lunch.

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Paris Hilton poses during a photocall at a hotel in Madrid, December 9, 2008. REUTERS/Sergio Perez

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So, Patti, we finally meet! I must say you look different from your Internet photo, but I guess everybody touches up their picture a little, don’t they?

We could have gotten together sooner, but since you have this thing about only going out at night… Amazing that you work all day long, seven days a week. Bummer!

May I say how nice your hair looks, even though, you know, it seems to be drawn on with a Magic Marker. Somebody did a great job of staying in the lines!

I ordered you shrimp scampi. It’s their specialty here, and… Oh. Allergic to garlic? Sorry.

Look Patti, I’ll be frank here. I like you, you like me, why don’t we go back to your place? True Blood is on HBO tonight… Should we stop for some food? Oh, you already did? Say, you’re quite a catch!

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A model presents a creation of Bosnian designer Haad in Tirana during Albania Fashion Week, November 8, 2008 REUTERS/Arben Celi

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Blog Guy, I know you’ve helped a lot of people with fashion requests.

Well, a bunch of us gals have formed a death squad. You know, nothing fancy, just small assassinations, some vigilante bake sales, Tupperware incursions into blue states, stuff like that.

Of course, we’d like to look good - we’re about being sassy, not slovenly, and we may run into some hunky guys in a male death squad. Any ideas? By the way, don’t even TRY finding out who we are!

Um, did we used to work together? Anyway, have a look at this creation from a fashion show yesterday in Mexico City. It hides your identity, but not your figure. Wait a couple of months, and the outfits will go on sale after the festive holiday death squad parties.

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Models display creations from XFIT LYCRA’s Spring/Summer 2008/09 collection during Fashion Week Mexico in Mexico City October 22, 2008. REUTERS/Henry Romero

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