Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
Although the new year is only a few days old, we may already have identified the most incompetent criminal of 2011.
He is the dimwit in the far left who is about to assassinate a local village politician in the Philippines who, it turns out, is pointing a camera at him at the same time.
There’s nothing funny about murder, and I’m no expert, but I have to believe you’re supposed to tailor your plan just a bit when you notice the guy you are trying to kill is taking a snapshot of his family and you’re in the shot.
Who knows how different history would have been if President Lincoln had said, “Dearest Mary, let me get a daguerreotype of you here in the theater box. And you, stranger with the little pistol, would you like to be in the daguerreotype, too?
Blog Guy, please help settle a bet with my step-mother’s tattooist.
Your step-mother has her own… oh, never mind, go ahead.
Could Count Dracula still be alive today?
No. These days, when there are countless cameras everywhere, somebody would have spotted him.
You can’t hide that slick, sculpted black hair, that widow’s peak and swarthy visage. Trust me, we’d know about him.
What is the matter with people?
All of these ghoulish transactions were clear signs of the onrushing Apocalypse, and yet they somehow pale by comparison to an auction a few days ago.
Blog Guy, what’s the most common method of suicide in this country?
It varies according to sex. Women most often poison themselves, and men tend to watch several episodes of “Glee,” back-to-back.
That’s horrible! And what about in other countries?
Most commonly it’s the “Basket o’ Death.”
Yikes! How does that work?
I hate to go into much detail for fear of becoming one of those, you know, assisted death sites.
Okay Lamar, you’ve had weeks to work on a plan to promote our new AMC television series about zombies, “The Walking Dead.” It premieres on Sunday, so what do you have?
Great stuff, Boss! We’re sending zombies out to 26 cities around the world, see, to walk around the streets and get publicity for our show. What do you think?
Okay, fellow Star Whackers, the reason for this emergency secret meeting is, we have a problem. A big one. Some guy seems to have found out about us, and he’s making statements to the media. Lamar, have you dug up anything on him?
Yeah Boss, he’s an actor named Randy Quaid. He and his wife have requested asylum in Canada to protect themselves from us. They say other stars have been murdered, and now we’re after them.
Blog Guy, I need some help planning my funeral, although I’m not gone yet. I want one of those traditional New Orleans send-offs, complete with the “second line parade.”
You know, with the street dancing and parasols and waving hats and hankies and everything, but I need to know how much they cost.
Blog Guy, can you please settle a bet with my haberdasher’s chimney sweep?
That’s why I’m here, to settle stupid bets. What is it this time?
What is the most dangerous game in the world? I say it’s Floppy Clown Shoe Minefield Parachuting, but the chimney sweep thinks it’s Lightning Storm Aluminum Pacemaker Pole Vaulting. Who’s right?
Hey Blog Guy, you obviously know a lot about language. I just heard a strange expression, “As dumb as an Italian hunter.” What does that even mean?
It means incredibly dumb, is what it means. At least 17 people have been killed recently in hunting accidents in the mountains and forests of northern Italy, six of them in a single 48-hour period.