Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

The best job title on earth?

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Boss? How come you’re in the office reading crime reports on such a nice day?

THAILAND-ARMSDEALER/Are you kidding, Lamar? This is what I’ve been waiting for! Look at the photos of this suspected arms dealer, Viktor Bout, also known as the “Merchant of Death.”

So what? I don’t get it, Boss.

I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be known as the “Merchant of Death,” and now the title is open! I’ve just picked up 10,000 new business cards. See, “Merchant of Death,” embossed, right under my name!

Listen, Lamar, now I can get those “Merchant of Death” vanity plates! And I can┬ácall a restaurant and say, “This is the Merchant of Death, I’d like a table by the window…”

Have a cold one, we’ve got you covered!

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“Team, we’re here to brainstorm a brand-new Coca-Cola ad campaign, built around this new photo we found on that ODD Blog.

“The photo wasn’t supposed to be available for commercial use, but we paid that stupid Blog Guy a fortune for the rights.

I don’t want what he had…

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MEXICO/

“Lamar, aren’t you gonna finish your fish taco? Then whose is it? Ah, that dead guy’s?

“Well he’s not gonna finish it, so shove it over here, I’m still hungry.

Don’t poke that shark in the eye, Lamar

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jaws publicity girl 490

As some of you know, a string of shark sightings in recent weeks has rattled swimmers in Massachusetts, and is evoking memories of the “Jaws” movie hysteria.

Officials in the Cape Cod town of Chatham have warned beach-goers to stay close to shore after “numerous” sightings of great white sharks.

The Decent Human Beings win one?

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SPAIN/

Blog Guy, it looks like you’re gloating about something.

You bet I am. The Catalonia region of Spain has just passed a ban on bullfighting, a barbaric activity which I have mocked repeatedly in my blog. I like to think my readers helped tip the balance.

SPAIN/Congrats, Blog Guy. So what were the main factions in the debate over there?

It was the Decent Human Being faction against the Pro-Torture and Cruelty faction.

Guess where this toe tag’s been, Baby?

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USA/VIVA ELVIS

Hey Blog Guy, you used to write about signs of the coming Apocalypse. You haven’t mentioned any lately, so I guess we’re safe now?

No way. The signs have just gotten harder to spot, so you need my help more than ever.

It Alps if you don’t look down…

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GERMANY/

Blog Guy, you used to offer a valuable travel service by writing about places to stay away from. For the past three summers my family has taken your advice and crossed dozens of destinations off our list, but now we’re at a loss as to where not to go.

I’m sorry, reader. I hope it’s not too late for you to stay at home again this summer, because they’re about to open another “Are You Fricking Kidding Me?” tourist attraction over in Germany.

A dab of Kiwi wax on those Florsheims, Mr. Dracula?

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Blog Guy, I need help. I have an overwhelming fear of being bitten by a vampire. What can I do to protect myself?

You could buy this handy 19th century Vampire Killing Kit that went up for auction in London today.

Work in Hell, get weekends off

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BELARUS/

Blog Guy, I want to enlist in the military, but I need to be sure I’m in the most bad-ass, macho, kick-butt outfit my country has to offer. So what should I ask for? Afghanistan? Iraq?

No, you should demand to join Hell Squad.

Join what?

You know, the famed Hell Squad! Our elite unit that makes forays into Hades. Perdition. The Inferno. Across the River Styx. Like where Satan lives. Here’s a picture of them in action, although it only shows the nicer part of Hell.

Honey, the Death Panel is here! It’s for you!

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Blog Guy, since the passage of the new health care reform you’ve been great about following the creation of those Government Death Panels that will go door-to-door deciding if we live or die. Is there anything new on them?

Yes, but I need to correct you. They won’t go “door-to-door.” They will visit carefully screened addresses, where somebody sent an e-mail to death@deathpanels.gov to point out that the resident has been sneezing a lot, or walking with a limp or something.