Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

“Hurt Locker” soccer?

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BRITAIN/

Blog Guy, I don’t know how I’m going to get through all this World Cup stuff. I’m already so bored by soccer. How about you?

Which kind are you talking about?

beckham 2 260There are different kinds of soccer?

Sure. There’s regular soccer, and then there’s that new Extreme Soccer, like they play in war zones and places like that.

I don’t think they have that here in the United States.

Yes they do, it’s called Second Amendment Soccer. You just have to know where to find the games.

Look, here’s an exhibition game in Afghanistan, featuring soccer legend David Beckham.

Sleeping with Michael Jackson’s stuff?

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Blog Guy, I need some personal advice from a supportive, caring person. Have you read about that Michael Jackson thing in Japan? You can spend the night of June 25th, the anniversary of his death, actually sleeping amid Jackson’s belongings at an exhibit in Tokyo.

PEOPLE-JACKSON/CORONER

Oh Lord…. No, no, no… Please don’t make me be supportive.

But I’m such a huge Jackson fan! PLEASE say it’s normal to do this!

USA/Okay, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but if you liked him that much, and you have a chance to spend a night in opulence surrounded by his things, I guess…

Proposing to the decomposing…

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fashion floaters combo this 490

Blog Guy, I’m a guy with an unusual problem. My buddies and I live in one of those towns where the men really outnumber the chicks, and we don’t know where to go for brides. There just aren’t any women.

Now, what you actually mean is, no LIVE women, right?

SPAIN/Um, yes, that’s kind of implied, Blog Guy.

Bear with me here. Maybe you’re being a little too picky. There was a fashion show in Barcelona just this week, catering to the bridal needs of the dead.

The world’s dumbest hobbies?

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TWISTER

The problem with writing a humor blog is that sometimes people try to send news to me, not realizing that unlike my other Reuters colleagues, I’m able to make up my own.

This week, for instance, I got this actual e-mail. I have removed the name and location to protect the dimwit who sent it:

Here they are, undead and untanned….

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fashion sunblock 1 490

Blog Guy, can you settle a bet I have with the guy who does grout work in my grandma’s shower?

Of course. Bet-Settlers R Us. That’s what we do here.

GEORGIA/For a minute there you sounded almost sarcastic, Blog Guy. Anyhow, the grout guy says you can raise the dead by putting number 45 sunblock on them.

Hey Jack, you got anything for my migraine?

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USA/

Blog Guy, whatever happened to Jack Kevorkian, that assisted suicide guy? He’s in prison, right?

Not anymore. He served eight years but got out a couple of years ago.

USA/Interestingly, he’s the subject of a new HBO movie, “You Don’t Know Jack.” Kevorkian is played by Al Pacino.

How to spot a Death Panel when it comes for you

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Blog Guy, now that this healthcare reform stuff has passed, I guess I have the same question as everybody else.

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It’s about those government Death Panels, the ones that will decide if we live or die. I need to know how to spot them when they come to my door. My plan is to slap on a fake goatee, go into a thick Latvian accent, and walk out right past them.

That’s my tongue trailing 40 feet behind me?

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Boy, am I pissed!

According to a Reuters story, some guy is going to step out of a capsule lifted 120,000 feet by a balloon and leap to Earth, becoming the first man to break the sound barrier without an aircraft.

Why the heck didn’t I think of that?

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So now THIS guy gets to have the fun of plummeting so fast he won’t be able to hear himself scream, because his own shriek will just follow along behind him.

You get one piece of carrion luggage…

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Blog Guy, I know you’re a respected travel writer and I need some advice. I’m going to Kazakhstan next week, and…..

Do you mind if I ask why?

That’s a funny story. I got it mixed-up with Scotland, and now it’s too late to change. So what’s the best domestic airline for getting from place to place over there?

Hi, I’m your hamburger helper…

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Readers know I blog a lot about bullfighting, because, well, it’s a very easy target that ridicules itself with very little help from me.

Defenders of the “sport” then send comments telling me how very brave the bullfighters are, staring death in the face and so on.