Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

The very worst way to go?

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Blog Guy, I heard on the news that some poor man died a fiendishly horrible death a couple of days ago over there in Spain. Do you know what I’m talking about?

Yes, and we have a photo from the unspeakably tragic scene. Some sensitive readers may wish to stop reading at this point.

Is it really true that the guy…

Yes, he was sucked into a huge cotton candy machine at a carnival, and there was no way to turn it off in time.

This once again focuses on the hideous danger of cotton candy machines, which kill about 40,000 people a year world-wide and pull off countless arms and legs, spinning and flossing them into a macabre “treat.”

Brand recognition to die for…

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Welcome to the story that cannot be satirized. It’s already THAT good.

It seems the designer of the Kalashnikov rifle was just named a “Hero of Russia” by Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, who lauded him for creating “the brand every Russian is proud of.”

Please remember, I am not making any of this up.

As far as global recognition goes, Mikhail Kalashnikov’s name would be right up there with Death and Hemorrhoids, if those were actual people’s names.

We return now to the Wide World of Brainless Sports!

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Color me embarrassed. We had a PRETTY BAD error on our file, and is our policy, we had to publicly correct it. It seems we reported that Bulgarian prosecutors are investigating a new gambling game in which drivers defy death by speeding through red lights for bets of up to $2,200.

In a game known as ‘Russian road roulette,’ the driver must jump red lights at busy intersections at high speed and not crash into any other cars or pedestrians.

Slay bells ring, are ya listenin’?

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The holidays are rushing at us, and if you’re like me, nothing says “Peace on Earth” like the topic of serial killers. So you’ll be happy to know that the 2010 Serial Killer Calendar is now available if you’re looking for a gift for Uncle Lamar, who broke out of maximum security and is knocking on your door with an ax.

I am not making this up. You really can get the calendar online, and at some pretty respectable bookshops.

What’s that big thing near the drop zone?

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Blog Guy, did you read about those guys who made the highest parachute landing ever at a drop zone near Mount Everest last week?

So they had the danger of diving from four miles up, AND they had to avoid hitting Mount Everest! They must be REALLY macho!

How I spent my summer vacation

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Welcome back to a feature called What Year is this Again? where we offer items that lack humor, but do make us wonder if we have somehow gone back in time…

Children, welcome to third grade! I’m Miss Johnson. Let’s start with all of you writing a paragraph called “How I Spent My Summer Vacation!”

Vacuous chicks zap yokels with death machine!

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Blog Guy, you’ve set up amazing fantasy photos for readers, and now it’s my turn. It won’t be easy. I want Miss Universe and Miss USA together, on top of a skyscraper.

I think I can manage that.

There’s more. They must be holding a box of fancy cupcakes.

Cripes, that’s tough. Beauty queens won’t go CLOSE to tempting desserts!

You don’t haggle at Kroger?

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Quick quiz: In this photo on the right, President Obama is saying to the Kroger manager…

    “Five bucks for clementines? I pay $3.99 at the Safeway near the White House! “What the frick is a clementine?” “Do you sell these things in heavy syrup in a can? “I’m thinkin’ of gettin’ these for my death panels. You know how many pounds it takes to kill a really old person?”

Actually, the most interesting thing that happened at that Kroger visit was when Obama took a piece of fruit and ate it in front of everybody. The White House said he paid for it “seconds later.”

Tail from the Crypt?

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Hey Blog Guy, sometimes I see funny stuff in the news and I’m sure you’ll use it in your blog, but then you don’t. Do you take bribes to ignore certain things?

Well sure, but folks don’t try to bribe me nearly often enough, even though it’s not hard to do. The truth is, I ignore some stuff because it’s just too obvious, and I do have some pride.

Don’t leave me in the lurch!

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Blog Guy, you know stuff going on around the world. I’m a zombie – where can a guy like me kick back and have some fun with other zombies?

Oooooh, sorry, bad timing. You just missed the zombie parade in Frankfurt. You could have met hundreds of German zombies, if that sounds like fun to you.