Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

My blind date with Lady Death…

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So, Patti, we finally meet! I must say you look different from your Internet photo, but I guess everybody touches up their picture a little, don’t they?

We could have gotten together sooner, but since you have this thing about only going out at night… Amazing that you work all day long, seven days a week. Bummer!

May I say how nice your hair looks, even though, you know, it seems to be drawn on with a Magic Marker. Somebody did a great job of staying in the lines!

I ordered you shrimp scampi. It’s their specialty here, and… Oh. Allergic to garlic? Sorry.

Putting the sass back into assassination?

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Blog Guy, I know you’ve helped a lot of people with fashion requests.

Well, a bunch of us gals have formed a death squad. You know, nothing fancy, just small assassinations, some vigilante bake sales, Tupperware incursions into blue states, stuff like that.

Of course, we’d like to look good – we’re about being sassy, not slovenly, and we may run into some hunky guys in a male death squad. Any ideas? By the way, don’t even TRY finding out who we are!

Please, somebody! Help me take this thing off!

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Quick quiz: the fashion model seen here…

- has the Mother of all Toothaches.

- shows how you can make a swell hat from toilet paper.

- is just learning to tie a turban.

- has a pathological fear of being killed freakishly, like Isadora Duncan.

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fashion-headgear-300.jpgA model displays a creation from the Ralph Lauren Spring 2009 collection during Fashion Week in New York, September 12, 2008. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Who would watch a thing like that?

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Blog Guy, you’ve covered just about every possible kind of fashion show. I’m not sure there’s anything new they can explore.

There is always something new. For instance, they just had the first-ever underwater fashion show.

Undead, but not unfashionable

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fashion-baires-headshots-180.jpgMemo to design staff: In looking for new demographics for our haute couture, I have exciting news. This fall we’re going after the zombie market!

I know you’re saying, “But Bob, aren’t they kind of creepy?” Well, maybe, but our market research shows that zombies have lots of disposable income. They don’t have to pay for their food because, um, you know what they eat. And they don’t have to pay $4.00 a gallon for gasoline, because they just lurch around for free.

Add a cup of cyanide, a pinch of arsenic, and voila!

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henbane-1-160.jpgSo there’s this celebrity chef, see, and he said in a magazine article that a plant called henbane makes an excellent addition to summertime meals.

It’s a great cooking tip, so long as you don’t mind hallucinations, convulsions, vomiting and occasionally death. The chef, Antony Worrall Thompson, apologized, explaining that he had confused henbane with another weed, called fat hen.

I scream, you scream, we all….

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ice-cream-militia-crop-140.jpgOkay folks, you’ve been trained for your summer ice cream routes, and today you get your assignments. Herb goes to Pleasantville, Ohio. Joyce gets Maple Grove, Oregon. Earl, you’ go to Najaf, Iraq….

Huh? Oh, didn’t I mention we have routes over there? It gets pretty hot, and after a busy day they like their ice cream just as as much as anybody.

Señor Jiffy Pop, you’re exploding!

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matador-and-woman-120.jpgOh brother, can I pick ‘em or what? On the Internet, this guy seemed so normal, but then I meet him in person…

He told me online he “works with animals.” Yeah. Turns out he tortures them to death!

Col. Mustard, in the study, with a folding sofa!

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Who knew that furniture should have warning labels sort of like the ones they put on cigarettes? We have a story about a wife who was angry at her husband for being drunk and refusing to get up from their folding couch. She kicked the handle, activating the mechanism which, well, killed him. 

When death happens, you like to think it won’t be in such an embarrassing way that some jerky humor blogger will use it.  So how will they write this poor guy’s obit to retain some measure of dignity?

Hand grenades and lemonades…

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Updated with video report

Here we are in Beirut, a city that has endured far more than its fair share of war and bloodshed, and we’re going to open a fast-food restaurant. What would be a good theme for it?

I know, how about war! We’ll draw on the natural connection between killing and eating! We can call it Buns and Guns, and we’ll put the tables behind sandbags. We’ll have war relics all over, and the chef can dress in camouflage! Our motto: A sandwich can kill you…