Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Have you theen my thnake?

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snake-arm-160.jpgBlog Guy, you’re great at giving advice on careers. Should I consider letting venomous snakes bite me for a living?

You know, that’s not as much fun as it sounds. In fact, here’s a pretty good litmus test. If you have a hard time saying the word snake because there’s one hanging from your tongue, you may wish to consider a pro Russian roulette career, instead.

While I’m at it, you also don’t want to be the guy who takes the venom out of the snakes, or the one who scotch-tapes teeny labels on the snakes so you can tell which ones still have venom in them.

But what you really don’t want to be is a customer at the tavern where the bartender stores the bottles of snake venom in the fridge right next to the mixers he uses for pina coladas…

So the bulls really die laughing?

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Hey, Blog Guy! I was wondering, in a real bullfight, what is it that gets the bull to attack the matador? I’m assuming it’s the red cape, right?

Well, that’s what some people think, but not me.

Have you ever looked at the faces these matadors make in the ring? If you were face to face with one and you had two big sharp horns with you, what would YOU do with them? I mean, it’s not even a close call!

Blow-dry me before your head explodes!

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A bat-like old barber named Brown
Styled hair as he swung upside-down
One day he cried, “Whizzers!
“I dropped my sharp scissors!
“They stuck in my customer’s crown!”

The caption tells us this guy styled hair while hanging upside-down to get into the Book of Records in Ukraine. Cripes. I just hope to God that book doesn’t offer similar enticements for dentists and proctologists…

The bride’s shoulder blades were stunning…

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shoulders-crop-160.jpgBlog Guy, I recall that back in March, your most popular post was about a proposal to use cadavers instead of live models at fashion shows, to save money for the designers. Now I wonder if it ever took off. I bet this was just a trial balloon that never turned into anything real.

Well, you might have a look at this actual photo from a New York City fashion show last week. Does this LOOK like a healthy model? I’m only wondering how bad it has to get before we mention something about it in the caption.

75 MPH? Must be a school zone!

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sign-180.jpgBad news, drivers! Bremen has become the first state in Germany to introduce a speed limit on its highways, and drivers must now slow down to a snail’s pace of 120 kilometers per hour (75 mph).

If you do the math, it may not be so bad. Bremen is an itty-bitty city state, so the new rules will annoy you for maybe half an hour. The question is, how will they even communicate with motorists who whiz along the country’s roads at a perfectly legal 130 miles an hour or more? That’s too fast to read WELCOME TO BREMEN, much less see a speed sign.

We who are about to eat cheese salute you!

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gladiator-face-160.jpgIf you’re thinking of a public relations career, watch and learn. Italy recently did a recall of some mozzarella cheese linked to dioxin contamination. Okay, so how do they restore public confidence in the product?

a) Trot out scientists to say how safe it is
b) Trot out doctors to say how safe it is
c) Feed it to gladiators to show it doesn’t kill them

My sword is at home on the sofa!

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bullfight-face-160.jpgOh, what have I done? Mom wanted me to be a chiropractor, but no! I knew better! Mister Smarty-Pants just HAD to be a matador!

So here I am, dressed like Elton John, in front of all these boobs who came to see blood. They expect me to take my sword and… Caramba! I left my sword at home, on the sofa! Under my CAPE! Can anything ELSE go wrong today?

Meester bool, you are SO ugly!

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bullfighter-face-160.jpgBlog Guy, I know you’ve said bullfighting isn’t a wise career choice for college seniors, but the profession still intrigues me. Isn’t there anything in the pointless animal torture field that might suit me?

Look, there’s more to a career than silly outfits. You might consider becoming a creepador. As you can see in this photo, this furtive fellow works in the shadows, irritating the bull with whispered slurs and insults, mostly recycled Don Rickles material. 

Scan me with evil bars, Satan!

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bar-vert-160.jpgYou may have read about this cult in Russia, where members are gradually leaving their leaky, collapsing underground bunker even before Doomsday, which they reckon will come this month or next.

If you’re thinking of joining up, here is a statistic: nobody in the history of doomsday cults has ever died being right, and chances are far greater you’ll end up dying of embarrassment. Even if one of these cults DOES prove correct, they won’t be able to gloat about it. Where’s the fun in that?

Bloggin’ the old noggin…

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schiller-statue-140.jpgThis is a macabre story. Friedrich Schiller was a famous German writer. He was born in 1759 (not 1788 as we first posted) while his father was off at the Seven Years War. Back then, they named wars like that so both sides knew how long they had to fight.

Schiller wrote lots of great stuff and was associated with “Sturm und Drang.” That may be a German law firm, but I didn’t look it up. He died in 1805 and was buried in a mass grave. A few years later officials dug up the grave, figured the biggest skull was Schiller’s, and kept it.