Oddly Enough Blog

You got STUFF twirling in your head?

Okay, I’m sorry, I can’t even begin to improve on this video clip.

In an interview with the Milwaukee Journal Sentinal, Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain is asked whether he agreed with President Obama on Libya.

“Okay, Libya…” Cain says, like a sixth-grader pausing before spelling Mississippi. He adjusts a bottle of water for no apparent reason.

After making sure we’re all talking about the same Libya, Cain says, “I do not agree with the way he handled it for the following reason.” Then, amazingly, he stops himself, waves his hand and says, “No, that’s a different one.”

Libya, Herman. It’s been in the news, I’m pretty sure.

After that, it gets worse. “I got all this stuff twirling around in my head,” Cain says.

Let’s see, governor, there’s Moe, Curly and…

It’s supposed to be the fourth thing that slips your mind. You know, you go to the store and remember the tuna fish and floor wax and avocados, but not the toilet paper.

But ANYBODY can remember three things.

Anybody but Texas Governor Rick Perry, that is. He declared at last night’s Republican debate that he planned to eliminate three government agencies but then could only remember two of them, Commerce and Education.

This left potential voters wondering if he would close the Defense Department, the State Department, or what?

“Oops,” said the governor.

How hard is it to remember three fricking things?”

Maybe the worst idea EVER?

People ask me where I get all the stupid stuff in this blog, and I have to say, honestly, the best of it is straight out of the news.

Here’s an example. According to an Associated Press story, officials in Georgia are considering saving money by putting prisoners in fire stations.

According to the story, the inmates would respond to all emergencies, including residential fires, alongside “traditional” firefighters.

I guess “traditional” in this sense means men and women who haven’t been convicted of a felony.

The story also says the “traditional” firefighters, who apparently don’t have enough to do in the middle of a roaring blaze, would be trained to guard the inmates working with them.

I am not making this up.

It’s just like in the disaster movies!

Boss, can you hear me? It’s me, Johnson! Oh, it’s still night-time in LA? Sorry to wake you up, but I’ve got great news!

You remember you sent me to scout around for the next big “King Kong” sort of movie?

Well, I’m here in the Philippines, of all places…. They’ve “captured” this huge honking 21-foot-long crocodile which has already attacked several people.

Get some film crews out here right away, Boss, I have a feeling this one is gonna pop soon. I’m watching ‘em right now, moving the “captured” croc.

The team leader couldn’t be bothered to stop smoking long enough for the historic photo, but then in fairness, lung cancer is going to be the least of his problems. He’s about to drop ashes on the croc’s hood.

The “guard” with a rifle is zoned out, trying to remember the third verse to “MacArthur Park…” The Croc Mover they’re using is made of logs, and was state-of-the-art in the 12th century. Its axle is about to break, and the croc is tied down with flimsy knots that look like some Boy Scouts lost interest and went off to make s’mores.

Don’t look up, it’s NUTTY in the sky!

I used to pride myself on having the goofiest content on reuters.com, but then this week I took a look at our space news, and saw what real scientists are telling us.

For instance, did you know astronauts had  to take refuge aboard the International Space Station’s “lifeboat” crafts yesterday?  The Russian space agency said “space trash” was passing very close to the station.

I guess “space trash” must be Jed Clampett-type guys in coveralls, out hunting space squirrels, but you’d think we would be more politically correct in our wording. “Yokels” or “Hillbillies” would be more sensitive.

And continuing with the space garbage theme, our own NASA said an asteroid with the girth of a garbage truck soared within 7,500 miles of the Earth on Monday. They called it a “near-Earth asteroid.”

That’s the distance from Bolivia to Alaska. Look, when a hurtling garbage truck gets so close that I could drive there, I get very nervous. Remember, the last known quote from a dinosaur, 65 million years ago, was “Hey, look at that pretty thing streaking across the…”

Then there’s my favorite space story of the week. Russian scientists expect humanity to encounter alien civilizations by 2031, a top Russian astronomer predicted.

It gets better. He said the aliens would most likely resemble humans, with two arms, two legs and a head.

Where the wild things are?

Okay, do I have to solve everybody’s problems all by myself?

We have a real news story saying more and more zoos are allowing visitors to spend the night, so they can learn “what happens when the gates slam shut, the sun goes down and the moon rises…”

Really? Again we are faced with schemes created by people who obviously have never seen real-life adventure movies such as “Jurassic Park” or “Snakes on a Plane.”

They have no clue what always happens when helpless people are locked in confined quarters with dangerous creatures.

* * * * * *

“Well Lamar, I think this new program will be a big success. Those polite, clean-cut teenagers we left back there are going to have a great time tonight.”

The very worst contest idea EVER?

I’m afraid this isn’t going to end well.

A company that makes bug spray has launched “a nationwide search for America’s biggest bug,” and they are offering cash prizes. I am not making this up.

“Got a roach the size of a small dog…a beetle the size of a van…” the contest site asks innocently enough.

You mark my words, these bug spray folks will have blood on their hands soon.

Have these people never seen a summer movie before?

Are they totally unfamiliar with drive-in fare from the 1950s?

Come over to my yard for a fling?

Man, I love it when true stuff is stranger than anything I could make up for my blog. I mean, it’s like having a day off.

So I’m looking at an e-mail from the Pottery Barn folks, and down below the duvet covers and patchwork quilts I see something called Safety Recall Information. It informs me the chain is recalling a hammock stand.

This concerns me because of course I spend most of my days in a hammock, swaying back and forth in the sunshine and writing my blog.

It turns out, the wood used in the stand may break, “if left outdoors.”

I suppose that’s a relief for you who only use your hammocks in your living room, but for us yard people, it’s a disaster.

Anybody who has ever watched Looney Toons knows exactly what happens when one end of a tightly-stretched hammock snaps suddenly.

Merlot on the go?

Blog Guy, like many of your readers I’m looking for a new and interesting career. I like to drive, I like retail work, and I enjoy making people happy. Any ideas?

I may have just the thing. How would you like to drive a van around and stop to sell wine to people?

That could be fun. Folks must be happy to see the Wine Mobile arrive, right?

Exactly! Sort of the Good Humor man for grown-ups!

Where would I drive this Wine Mobile?

You know, the usual places. Indianapolis, Kokomo, Evansville, Chernobyl…

There were no floats? I didn’t notice!

Okay, it seems a large fire swept through Rio de Janeiro’s Carnival center this week, “destroying thousands of costumes and floats and throwing preparations for Brazil’s annual festival of hedonism into chaos.”

I know this is a serious thing. They work pretty hard all year long on that stuff, and Carnival starts in three weeks.

But COSTUMES? Really?

We have hundreds of photos a year from Brazil’s Carnival, and I can’t use most of them here because I don’t have enough of those expensive protective rectangles to cover the stuff that needs covering to protect my readers. Now suddenly we’re acting like the wardrobe from “Cats” went up in flames?

I’m trying to imagine the emotional conversations with the samba dancers this week.