Quick quiz: Where would be a really stupid place to sell booze?

a) churches

b) kindergartens

c) hospitals

d) gas stations

Okay, they’re all pretty stupid, but I guess I’m going to say gas stations, because you really can buy liquor there in Lithuania. I’m not making this up.

But in a clear example of jack-booted repression, on January 1 it became illegal for gas stations to sell liquor at night.

I mean, what could go wrong with a carload of yokels pulling off the highway, filling their tank, buying a couple of handles of vodka and roaring off into the darkness?

To answer an obvious question, police data show that alcohol-related accidents have dropped by 45 percent since the ban was imposed. Nevertheless, an oil and gas company is fighting the ban, saying it may force them to start closing their stations at night and laying off workers.

Well boo-hoo! My own personal opinion is that they should continue the ban at gas stations, and just sell their booze at highway toll booths, instead.

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Above: Women play in mud during international music festival “Be2gether” in Lithuania, June 13, 2009. REUTERS/Vasily Fedosenko

Left: A man flashes a victory sign as more than 150 truck and bus drivers take part in a protest against the rising price of fuel in Vilnius, Lithuania, in 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Ints Kalnins

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Blog Guy, I’ve got 54 seconds to waste. Hit me with something bizarre.

Did you already try the Tarzan yell video?

That’s over a minute. I’ve only got 54 seconds.

Everybody’s always in a hurry nowadays! Okay, watch this video of a Malaysian kung fu master as he pierces four coconuts with his finger in just over 30 seconds.

But why would anybody want to do that?

Are you kidding? Can you imagine how fast he can make piña coladas? You watch this amazing 54-second clip and you’ll say, “I’d gladly pay five bucks for a piña colada at that dude’s tropical beach bar!

This is your lucky day! We’re looking for investors right now for  “Wadda Colada!” Are you in? Huh? You wanna be rich?

I used up my 54 seconds just reading this. D’oh!

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If you weren’t convinced the world is going to hell from reading my post on the Heart Attack Grill, here’s an item that should put you over the top.

You know how, after a hard day of work, you really want to find somebody to belittle and demean and taunt?

Yeah, me neither. But now there’s this bar that actually encourages its customers to insult the staff, and even gives free drinks for really creative abuse. Seriously.

“When you come in after work, you can swear at them and call them bastard or imbecile,” said one happy customer.

Here’s what I think would be REALLY neat. I like to imagine that as this bar gets more publicity, people will come from farther away to try their abuse, and some of them will accidentally go to the bar across the street. The one owned and staffed by twisted psychopaths and recently released homicidal maniacs.

I’ll just sip my drink and watch the fun.

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Above: A boat sails past buildings at the coast line of Cullera, Spain, where the bar is located, March 27, 2009. REUTERS/Heino Kalis

Below: Co-owner Michal Lotocki (L) and a customer argue and insult each other in a friendly way at the ‘Casa Pocho’ bar in Cullera, June 18, 2009. REUTERS/ Heino Kalis

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Blog Guy, I want to be royalty in my next life. Those people get to do whatever they want. Command performances, the best art…

You’re so right. We sent an Oddly Enough team around with Queen Elizabeth yesterday, so you could see the rich tapestry that unfolds for her.

Huzzah! How exciting!

First up, we toured a bottling plant, and got a first-hand account of how beverages are put into bottles. It’s a show most people can only dream of.

Oh. And then?

The royal tour of an umbrella shop, watching a guy dazzle us with a display of umbrella dexterity. “You see this cloth-wrapped stick, Your Majesty? Presto! Now it’s a device to keep rain off of you!”

Did I say royalty? I meant I want to be Bernard Madoff. Or Phil Spector. Or….

But wait! We haven’t even gotten to the tour of the foundry!

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Above: Britain’s Queen Elizabeth is shown around drinks manufacturer Britvic’s bottling plant in east London, March 25, 2009. REUTERS/Luke MacGregor

Below: Queen gets a demonstration of an umbrella during tour of Fulton Umbrellas in east London, March 25, 2009. REUTERS/Arthur Edwards/Pool

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Some of you have asked me about that new program down there in Mexico, where nightclubs are being operated by federal government police.

I think the experiment seems to be working, judging from some fresh photos I’ve just seen from nightspots in Ciudad Juarez.

As you can see here, the Federales have organized a lively session of the Hokey Pokey. THOSE dudes are having a GREAT time!

Plus, think of the fun when the Federales ask for your ID at the door.

“ID? We ain’t got no ID! I don’t have to show you any steenking ID!“

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Federal policeman searches a man for weapons and drugs in an operation at a night club in downtown Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, March 7, 2009. REUTERS/Tomas Bravo

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A few days ago I blogged about plans to create a soft drink made from cow urine. Seriously. We even discussed ad and marketing uh, challenges to what we dubbed ”Mellow Yellow.”

This was a popular post, I gather because readers want to make damned sure they don’t go out and buy some by accident. So we’ve talked to folks associated with the project and done a video report.

One of the dudes in our report assures us that the stuff  “will sell like hotcakes!”

Um, sure. Maybe like hotcakes that are made from cow dung.

Another guy says, “one bottle contains about five to six milliliters of cow urine.”

That’s good to know, but please, buddy, DON’T make that your ad slogan!

Our report says the beverage’s flavor has yet to be decided. I’d quibble with that. If you make a drink from cow urine, the flavor is pretty far down the road already.

Guys, unless you’re going to mix the urine with molten lava or crushed Brussels sprouts, good luck with taking people’s minds off of the you-know-what.

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It turns out that Peru’s top court has ruled that workers cannot be fired for being drunk on the job.

I’ll repeat that, so it can sink in. Workers. Drunk as a skunk. Can’t be fired. In Peru.

It so happens that the guy in this court case was a janitor, but the government said two other workers they’ve fired for showing up drunk were DRIVERS.

So, how long until we hear from other professions wanting the same rights? I’m talking about air traffic controllers, dentists, SWAT team snipers….

And you know where this will end up? Somebody’s going to want the right to BLOG drunk!

Anyway, until this awful court decision is reversed, let’s all remember what they say: Friends don’t let friends work in Peru!

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Above: Peru’s President Alan Garcia shares a toast with the national drink “Pisco Sour” in Lima, in 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Mariana Bazo

Below: Man drinks wine during a bullfight at the Plaza de Acho bullring in Lima in 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Pilar Olivares

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Blog Guy, my mom gave me a huge crystal punch bowl. It’s lovely, but I don’t entertain very much. Should I just sell it?

No! Wear it! Punch bowl hats are going to be THE thing next season, as you can see in these fashion photos taken just yesterday.

They are quite versatile. You can balance them upright, wear them upside-down, or wear them at a jaunty angle.

I had no idea! I did use my bowl for a party last Sunday, so should I wash it first?

I would. Otherwise, old orange rinds and curdled clots of boozy eggnog and dried punch crud will stick to your hair and attract scalp-burrowing insects.

Well honey, it sure wouldn’t be the first time!

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A model presents creations by Indonesian designer Rusli Tjohnardi during Indonesian 2009 Trend fashion show in Jakarta December 11, 2008. REUTERS/Beawiharta

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Blog Guy, I was fascinated by your report from the Millionaire Fair. What else can you say about what those wacky rich people are up to?

It seems rich folks don’t like to go up to a bar for drinks, so now chicks drop upside-down from the ceiling to fill their glasses.

Bungee bartenders! That’s awesome!

There are still details to be worked out. All that swinging and swaying upside-down tends to give some serving wenches an upset stomach, which leads to some pretty surprised and disgusted rich people, if you catch my meaning.

Eewww! So, how do they crank the serving wenches back up?

With a wench winch, which they crank with a wench winch wrench.

That is SO stupid! That’s it. I’m out of here!

Fine. Be a wench winch wrench Grinch!

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A woman, suspended from the ceiling, serves champagne to a man at the opening night of the Millionaire Fair in Moscow November 27, 2008. REUTERS/Thomas Peter

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Blog Guy, I saw a picture today from Oktoberfest in Germany. But it’s only September!

I believe it’s already October in Germany, because of the different time zones. So yes, they’ve started Oktoberfest, their world-famous festival of drinking, smoking and cleavage.

Sheesh, I guess the entire region must grind to a halt while they’re doing all that drinking and partying, right?

No, actually they’re also having elections. It must be strange to wake up all hung-over after election day, see all the empty mugs and ashtrays, and then scream, “WE VOTED FOR WHO?”

Oktoberfest Slideshow

Oktoberfest in Munich September 20, 2008. Millions of beer drinkers from around the world will come to the Bavarian capital for the world’s biggest beer festival.

above: REUTERS/ Michaela Rehle

below: REUTERS/ Pawel Kopczynski

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