Oddly Enough Blog

$2,250? You’re off your trolley!

Blog Guy, has your Thanksgiving Williams-Sonoma catalog arrived yet? I can’t wait to see what expensive specialty gadgets we need to help us prepare the most traditional meal of all.

Indeed it did arrive, but I confess I stopped at the massive holiday cocktail section and got no further.

Really? What stopped you there?

The invitation to “create a professional bar experience at home.”

They didn’t say that!

I promise you they did, on page 35.

Well, time to slap the old vodka bottle!

Blog Guy, I know you’re an expert on other cultures, and I have a question.

I just heard an Eastern European expression, “slapping the old vodka bottle.” Jeez, I’m really hoping that’s not a euphemism for…

No, it’s not. Relax. In some countries, they open a bottle of vodka by slapping the bottom until the cork comes out.

The cork? But these days, vodka bottles have screw-tops!

Well, then I guess they could be at it for quite some time. That’s why they normally bring along a plate of sausages, to keep their energy level up.

So slapping the bottom of a bottle is a totally pointless tradition in the 21st century? It accomplishes absolutely nothing?

Honey, I’m on my way!

Blog Guy, you know that place in Siberia you say is the goofiest place on earth? I think you call it Wackytown, and you organize tours there.

Sure. Krasnoyarsk. There’s no other place like it. You should come with us. What are you looking for?

Well, this is kind of delicate. I like to go where I can find a little honey, if you take my meaning. I love my wife, but, you know…

Wait. Um, are we talking about…

You’re a man of the world, Blog Guy. Do I have to spell it out? I need something sweet, if you catch my drift … Does Wackytown have what I’m looking for?

I believe they do. I can arrange an introduction for you to the Honey Club over there.

Who’s more fun than drunk people?

Blog Guy, I’m planning a vacation and I’m looking for ideas. Generally I like to go where I can see a lot of dumbasses.

Really? I guess that’s one way to go. I would highly recommend Ukraine, then.

I’ll see a lot of them there?

I suspect so. The country’s environment minister has found it necessary to “free all bears kept in restaurants for entertainment purposes.”

Bears? In restaurants for entertainment purposes? I don’t get it.

Yes. Apparently drunken customers make the poor creatures drink vodka for laughs.

Have more beer and take your mind off it…

Lamar, can I talk to you over here for a minute?

Sure, Boss. I guess you’re pretty happy with the client beer party I set up. I think they’re having a great time.

Boy, they’re really knocking back the brews. They’ve been drinking for three hours solid and going through keg after keg. But it’s worth it to keep customers happy.

Lamar, you did good with renting the tent and the beer selection. The big dishes of grilled asparagus and the slices of watermelon and other natural diuretics are a nice touch, too.

Just one question, Lamar. Where’s the men’s room?

This gunman goes into a bar, see…

I’m not sure when our state lawmakers  began competing to pass the most wacky weapons laws,  but it’s getting pretty hard to keep up with them.

To recap, in recent days we’ve seen both Utah and Arizona vote to create official state firearms. Meanwhile, lawmakers in Maine voted to legalize switchblade knives, but only for one-armed residents.

That brings us to Ohio, where the house of representatives has just approved laws that would give people more rights to carry concealed weapons, including one that allows folks to carry guns into  bars.

Jeez, I hardly know where to begin. My feeling is, if you’re going into a bar where you think you might need a gun, maybe you should upgrade to a nicer bar. Or else just drink at work, like everybody else.

But here’s what really interests me. The Ohio bill prohibits the person carrying the gun from drinking alcohol at the same time.

So wait a minute. Here’s a law aimed at helping people who want to go to a bar that is so sleazy they need to take a gun, but they’re not supposed to drink when they get there?

It’s not tricky, tiki isn’t tacky…

Blog Guy, now that Donald Trump may run for president, what are you going to do? Will you be caught up short at the Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop, what with the scarcity of funny photos of Trump?

Are you kidding me? Our only problem will be whether to build a new wing or just a huge annex to display our Trump collection.

Ah, so it sounds like you’re prepared.

The only way we could be more prepared is if Homer Simpson becomes president.

What do you think of Trump?

I’d say he showed his class again recently when he compared  himself to former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney: “Well, I’m a much bigger businessman,” Trump said on CNN. “And I have a much, much bigger net worth…”

And the second-best museum is…

Blog Guy, I’m having an argument with my piano tuner’s haberdasher…

My main purpose in life is to settle arguments. What is it?

We were trying to decide on the second-best museum in the world, next to your Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop, which we both agree is number one.

Anyways, is number two the Metropolitan Museum of Art, in New York City, or the Louvre, in Paris?

Sorry, I’m not familiar with those. I’m sure they’re probably both okay.

WHAT? And you’re a travel writer? Then what would be your choice?

Merlot on the go?

Blog Guy, like many of your readers I’m looking for a new and interesting career. I like to drive, I like retail work, and I enjoy making people happy. Any ideas?

I may have just the thing. How would you like to drive a van around and stop to sell wine to people?

That could be fun. Folks must be happy to see the Wine Mobile arrive, right?

Exactly! Sort of the Good Humor man for grown-ups!

Where would I drive this Wine Mobile?

You know, the usual places. Indianapolis, Kokomo, Evansville, Chernobyl…

Bone appetite, everybody!

Okay, the headline on this story, “Ancient Brits ate dead and made skulls into cups,” pretty much says it all. I can’t improve on that.

Perhaps surprisingly, I’m going to skip right over the part about eating the dead. It would just be too easy to compare what British folks ate back then with what they eat now.

Instead, I’m going to zero in on the bit about making gruesome goblets from human skulls. What in the HELL was up with those Cro-Magnons?

“Earl! Get out the bone china, we’re havin’ the Hendersons for dinner.”

“Not so loud, Marsha, I really drank a skull full last night.”

“You’re makin’ me thirsty, Earl. Hand me another noggin of nog, will ya? “Dammit, you can’t do anything right! What are you, a Neanderthal?”