Lamar, the big race starts in less than an hour! Where are the jockeys?

They’re coming, Boss!

Are they ready? Did they prepare for the race?

You betcha, Boss! They spent all night drinking!

That’s good. Drinking alcohol?

Of COURSE alcohol, Boss! What ELSE would you drink before the big race?

Just checkin’, Lamar. And did they wear themselves out?

For sure! They danced non-stop. Can’t even keep their eyes open!

Ah, there they are now, Lamar! I can see ‘em trying to find the stable…

It’s a grand sight, isn’t it, Lamar! On a morning like this, with the sun comin’ up over the puke-filled mud and the jockeys staggerin’ this way in their finery, if you squint just a bit you’d think you’re at the Royal Ascot Races.

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Riders finish a night of drinking alcohol and dancing before a traditional horse race on All Saints Day in Todos Santos, Guatemala, November 1, 2009. REUTERS/Daniel LeClair

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Hey Blog Guy, I’m takin’ a vacation to Kiev soon, and I need your travel advice. I like to hang out at singles bars. I guess they’re pretty much the same everywhere?

No. In Ukraine, the singles bars are run by women, who make their own rules.

That sounds kind of hot! So what should I expect when I make the bar scene?

Be prepared to reveal as much flesh as possible, and have total strangers judge you like a side of beef. While they’re looking you over they will ask mindless questions, like “What’s your sign?” and “Do you come here often?”

But the chicks will be dressed in sexy outfits too, right?

You still don’t get it. It’s their bar, their rules. They’ll be wearing white lab coats and camouflage trousers.

And stiletto heels?

No, combat boots.

That sounds awful! Why would anybody subject themselves to disgusting treatment like that?

I dunno. It just doesn’t seem fair, does it?

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Medical officers review a conscript at a military training center, the biggest in the former Soviet Union, in the village of Oster, near Kiev, October 29, 2009. REUTERS/Gleb Garanich

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Quick quiz: If you’re a jittery driver, what’s a good way to steady your nerves before you hit the road?

• get plenty of sleep
• practice meditation
• think soothing, happy thoughts
• enjoy a refreshing alcoholic beverage

Yeah, I thought that last one was pretty lame myself, but it turns out a politician from Ireland’s governing party has said “jumpy” drivers might benefit from having a relaxing alcoholic drink to steady their nerves.

I am not making this up.

See, Ireland is debating whether to cut the legal blood alcohol content limit for motorists, and some members of parliament oppose lowering the limit which would rule out a traditional Irish pint of Guinness for those driving.

“If drink is such a sedative, it can make people who are jumpy on the road, or nervous, be more relaxed,” said Mattie McGrath, Fianna Fail’s Tipperary South representative.

Right, Mattie. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to be crossing the street someday  when one of those really relaxed drivers comes along.

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Above: Guinness Chairman Tony Greener sips from a giant eight pint glass of stout to publicize his company’s earnings announcement in a 1997 file photo. REUTERS/Chris Helgren

Below: A racegoer holds a pint of Guinness on St Patrick’s Day on the third day of the Cheltenham National Hunt Festival in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/Mike Finn-Kelcey

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Blog Guy, a couple of weeks ago you featured a rebus in your blog. How about another one?

Rebus? You mean that Roman guy who was the brother of Romulus?

No, you dimwit. Not Remus, REBUS!

Oh, you mean Uncle Rebus, that guy with the “Br’er Rabbit” stories.

You really are a simpleton! That’s Uncle Remus. I’m talking about a rebus, which is a puzzle where pictures suggest a word or a phrase. You did one, and it was fun.

Well, who knew there was a word for it? Okay, I have some photos here I’m not using for anything, so let’s see if my readers can solve the puzzle.

But the answer better not be “briar patch,” because that would make me right about Uncle Rebus!

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Combo left: A barman holds up a bottle of Absinthe in a 1998 file photo. Absinthe, a highly potent form of alcohol, was banned in the United States and most of Western Europe in the early 90’s. REUTERS/Kieran Doherty

Combo center: A vendor in a chocolate shop holds up Belgian praline boxes made for Valentine’s Day in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Yves Herman   (BELGIUM)

Combo right: Actor Peter Fonda poses for a portrait on a replica of the “Captain America” bike in Glendale, California October 23, 2009. Fonda was promoting the recent release on blu-ray disk of the 1969 movie “Easy Rider” on its 40th anniversary. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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The holidays are rushing at us, and if you’re like me, nothing says “Peace on Earth” like the topic of serial killers. So you’ll be happy to know that the 2010 Serial Killer Calendar is now available if you’re looking for a gift for Uncle Lamar, who broke out of maximum security and is knocking on your door with an ax.

I am not making this up. You really can get the calendar online, and at some pretty respectable bookshops.

But there’s other merchandise as well: Serial Killer Trading Cards, wall clocks bearing the faces of Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy and others, kitchen aprons with the faces of real cannibals… Again, not making this up.

James Gilks, owner of SerialKillerCalendar.com and the editor of Serial Killer Magazine, tells me there’s other stuff in the pipeline.

“In fact, we are in the process of printing a new line of Manson Family Energy Drinks called “Cult-a-Cola.” We are also working on a “Jim Jones Ghoul Aid.” Keep your eye out for that early next year,” Gilks says.

Personally, I think this dude is thinking WAY too small.

Where’s the “Jack the Ripper Bloody Mary Mix?” ” What about the Son of Sam Talking Dog Toy?”

The “Zodiac Killer Charm Bracelet?” Crap, where’s my “Vlad the Impaler Giant Ice Pick?”

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Blog Guy, I want some White House insider information. What do guests normally drink when they go to an Oval Office meeting?

Well, I’ve blown up a portion of a high-resolution photo released by the White House, and you can see a typical tray of drinks being passed around. I can try to guess what they are, unless you expect accuracy…

No, I expect virtually nothing from your blog.

Hey, thanks. Okay, that clear glass, I’m going to say that’s a good vodka, maybe Ketel One. Then let’s see, a couple of tumblers of a single malt Scotch, I think Laphroig. In-between, that red drink looks like a big shot of 40-year-old port.

What about the two coffee cups?

Hard to tell, but I’m going with a Cordon Bleu cognac, for cautious guests who don’t want to look like they’re drinking alcohol in their Oval Office souvenir photo.

Blog Guy, what are you basing this on? Why do you think the most influential people on earth, sitting in the president’s office, would just be getting s**tfaced on expensive booze?

I’m just going by what I’d do if I were the president.

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A guest selecting a beverage during a meeting in the Oval Office, September 29, 2009. (Official White House photo by Pete Souza)

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I’m sorry sir, but you can’t drive that tow-truck full of beer onto the motor racing grounds, I’m afraid. It’s over the posted limit.

Limit? Limit? But it’s BEER!

I understand, sir, but this year, racing fans coming to the Bathurst 1000 will be limited to only 24 cans of beer a day. We don’t want folks getting drunk.

Just 24 cans? What am I supposed to do after lunch? Can I bring in wine?

Yes, four liters a day, INSTEAD of beer.

Four liters of wine? I go through that much at Communion! What about low-alcohol beer?

You may have 36 cans of that per day, sir!

Woo-hoo! Thirty-six cans! I beat the system! Out of the way, loser, I’m comin’ in!

You’re plastered already, aren’t you, sir?

Of course not! Say, can I bring in some wine?

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A forklift with a pallet of beer is seen at the Fosters Group brewery in Melbourne November 20, 2008. REUTERS/Mick Tsikas

Kangaroo grabs can of beer held by Kathy Noble as she stands behind bar at the 127-year-old Comet Inn in township of Hartley Vale, Australia, in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/David Gray

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Blog Guy? I read about Oktoberfest in your blog and went to the bar you suggested, and now I wanna die!

Really? What did you order?

Hold your voice down. I’ve never had a headache this bad. I ordered “Bavarian Shooters.” My ears are still ringing. I inhaled so much black smoke…

Uh, you DID make clear you wanted a beverage, right?

Apparently not. There were SIXTY of them. I don’t think I’m gonna make it.

Look, go back to that bar, tell ‘em I sent you, and ask for some “hair of the dog.” Can you remember that?

Sigh. You’re sure nothing can go wrong?

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Around 60 shooters in traditional Bavarian clothes fire off salutes during a last day ceremony at Munich’s 176th Oktoberfest October 4, 2009.

A German police officer and her bomb-sniffing dog search through an Oktoberfest tent during the early morning hours in Munich September 30, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Michaela Rehle

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Blog Guy, recently you blogged about that Oktoberfest thing in Germany - you know, the party with all the beer and the women with those huge, uh, mugs? I saw a travel ad for it that said, “Come to Germany and get frisky!”

I think you misread that. It said, “Come to Germany and get FRISKED.”

Frisked?

Yeah, look at these photos below. I gather some people must be trying to sneak in weapons.

So? What could possibly go wrong with bringing weapons into the “world’s biggest beer festival?”

I suppose the chance to shoot at guys playing oompah music is too much for some folks. Heck, I’m not sure I could resist it!

I guess I see  your point. I was wondering. Do you have any photos of the guards frisking the chicks with those big…

Those big smiles? No I don’t, sorry….

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Woman wearing traditional Bavarian Dirndl poses with beer during opening ceremony for the Oktoberfest in Munich, September 19, 2009. REUTERS/Michaela Rehle

Security personnel frisk people before the opening ceremony. REUTERS/ Pawel Kopczynski

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Blog Guy, if it’s August, it’s just about Oktoberfest over there in Germany. Isn’t this about the time they show some cute chick with those huge - watcha-call ‘ems?

They call those big things mugs.

Mugs? Yeah, I guess so. I never heard that euphemism before. So tell us about Oktoberfest.

They say it’s the “world’s biggest beer festival,” which I guess means they’ve never been to the Indianapolis 500.

Anyway, folks start drinking the beer in September, and then wake up to find out it’s October already.

Your grasp of international culture is impressive. What does that ”Hacker-Pschorr Himmel Der Bayern” banner mean?

I believe it translates to, “Yeah, my calves are kind of large, learn to live with it.”

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Model Sandra Schuster presents the official Oktoberfest beer mug in Munich August 25, 2009. The Oktoberfest, the world’s biggest beer festival, runs from September 19 until October 4 this year. REUTERS/ Michaela Rehle

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