It’s time for yet another edition of “Things Maybe We Should Have Explained in the Caption, but Didn’t.” We see this race driver sliding along a river of champagne, and our caption just says he “slips down from the podium as he celebrates finishing second place.” This raises questions…

- Shouldn’t a real race driver be able to stand on a podium?

- Was this just another of those champagne tragedies, which mortify thousands of athletes every year?

- It appears at least TWO bottles were involved. Was this a conspiracy? Were other drivers hurling their bottles while he couldn’t defend himself?

- Let’s face it. Should he really be this tickled about second place?

Related post: Sumpthin’ you don’t see at every race…

Repsol Mitsubishi Ralliart driver Stephane Peterhansel slips down from the podium as he celebrates finishing second place at the Dakar Series Central Europe Rally in Hungary, April 26, 2008. REUTERS/ Karoly Arvai

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Blog Guy, it was so interesting to learn about those bidet things in your blog recently. You give your readers a genuine feel for other cultures. It made me wonder, do they take showers in Europe the same way we do here?

They do shower, but it’s different. They get hundreds of people together, and everyone drops some mints into bottles of cola. This creates a shower that drenches them in fizzy froth.

Yuck! Doesn’t that leave their skin all sticky?

No. Apparently in Europe they shower with their clothes on. Watch this video:

Related post: Babe, can we skip this museum? 

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“Oh cripes, Charlene, it’s him again! We call him Toilet Paper Guy. Don’t let him see us! He comes to this bar every Friday, wearing that outfit made of toilet tissue and paper towels. That’s what I’m looking for, a man that can’t afford fabric!

“His pickup lines are the worst! He calls himself the ‘quicker picker-upper,’ you know, from those ads. Last week he asked if I wanted to squeeze the Charmin. I was like, ‘No way, dork!’

“You know that tall redhead from sales? She left with him once, but they were walking to the car and it started pouring down rain. Well, like I don’t have to tell you what happened then…”

Toilet fashon slideshow and related post: “I do! Now may I tissue?”

A model displays a creation made of toilet paper and paper towels during a fashion show organized by a paper company in Lima, April 24, 2008. REUTERS/Enrique Castro-Mendivil

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From Moscow, news that some billionaire is starting a magazine named Snob. I’m serious.

This is a turning point in publishing. If he can market directly to our worst character flaws, watch out! We’ll see slick, glossy magazines like Big Jerky Butthead, and Wanton Hussy.  Subscribe to Town Drunk, and get a year of Stupid Blabbermouth, free!

“Honey, has my April issue of Eternally Damned Adulterer arrived yet?”

“No dear, but your new copy of Slack-Jawed Yokel is on the coffee table.”

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Italian fashion designer Valentino at the Cannes Film Festival in 2007 photo.  REUTERS/Yves Herman

Once upon a time, Grandma sent her three grandchildren into the woods to gather blackberries, so she could make a fine dessert for dinner.

The first child returned with a pail of plump blackberries. The second came back with red holly berries, which happen to be poisonous. The third went into the city, pulled the Big Con Switcheroo on a bunch of dimwit business guys, and brought grandma a bucket of BlackBerry handhelds with high resale value.

Grandma tossed the plump blackberries out for the robins. She baked the holly berries into a festive pie which she sent to the IRS along with her tax check. Then she pawned the handhelds for a bundle, and tonight she’s eating at Cheesecake Factory. The children get their fine dessert, and granny is knocking back Tanqueray martinis like there’s no tomorrow.

And they all lived happily ever-after.

Trashed Blackberry phones in a bucket during the NBC Today Show in New York, April 21, 2008. REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson

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These folks throwing punches at each other are:

• Hillary Clinton supporters whomping on elitists
• South Korean lawmakers, in session 
• Battlestar Gallactica fans arguing over the fifth Cylon
• Spectators at a Davis Cup tennis match

Yeah, I was shocked by this one, but it is indeed tennis fans. Their scuffle was  possibly the most unexpected violence since that outburst at the Boston Pops.  What started it? A dispute over the proper length of a Bloody Mary celery stalk.  

More about sports

Spectators fight in the stands during a Davis Cup World Group tennis match in Buenos Aires April 13, 2008. REUTERS/Marcos Brindicci

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Hey blog guy, I’m planning my wedding for June, and I’m on a tight budget. I know you’ve been a professional event planner. Can you give me some money-saving some tips?

Sure. Here are four ideas that really work… 

 1) Print your own invitations. It’s cheaper, plus you can put the wrong address on some and the wrong date on others, cutting the reception crowd in half. 

2) Serve itty-bitty food. As the photos show, teeny burgers are chic and  elegant. You can feed 200 guests on two pounds of ground beef. Fill up the rest of the plate with festive parsley.

3) Serve colorful drinks, like red Two-Buck Chuck, in rented dribble glasses.  When guests start staining, they’ll stop drinking. Many will leave.  

4) For reception entertainment, live music is passé. Three words: cheap tattoo artist.

More money-saving wedding tips: Thanks for coming, now go…

Miniature burgers are seen at a wedding show in New York April 2, 2008.  REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson.

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Time for another edition of Life without cable TV… Some guy in Russia has built a sauna in a four wheel-drive vehicle, so it can go just about anywhere, and now they are charging customers.

This is a brilliant financial model, what with fuel being so cheap these days. Why not take a gas-guzzling personnel carrier and drive all over creation just to reach a handful of customers? Oh, and did I mention this is in SIBERIA, an actual synonym for nowhere?

Meanwhile, we can only guess what’s going on in this photo. It appears the guy in the middle is flailing the other dude with branches because he just found out what it’s costing them per gallon of sweat to sit in this thing that would be free at any decent gym. And the one on the right, well, I don’t even want to know what his story is…

Sauna slideshow: More sauna news: Heated rivalry

Men sit in mobile sauna that is mounted on a four-wheel drive truck, in Russia, April 5, 2008. A local craftsman installed the sauna in a four wheel-drive personnel carrier. The rugged army vehicle can master almost any terrain. REUTERS/Andrei Kasprishin

Ladies, you’ve all been there. An evening out, and you want something to defend yourself, but tasers and mace just don’t seem, you know, festive enough.

So, for times when you need to combine protection and fashion, what’s better than a six-foot snake? Nothing says, “Get lost!” like a big set of fangs dangling over your hand.

“Hey honey, you come here often?”

“No, me and my snake usually crush the life out of losers at the bar next door.”

Best of all, when some guy, as so often happens, holds up a rodent cage and says, “Wanna hold my pet rat?” Well, you’ve got yourself the best darned set-up in the history of Friday night comedy!

Related post: Fangs for the memories…

A model holds a snake on the runway as she displays a creation during Viva La Eve by Triumph at the Singapore Fashion Festival April 3, 2008. REUTERS/Vivek Prakash

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Hey Blog Guy, I read in a gossip column that you went on a date with Paris Hilton! Come on, spill!

Well, it wasn’t a real date. I won a chance to go for drinks with her, and it turned out pretty crazy. We had tumblers of Crème de menthe on the rocks, and bowls of free potato chips. It was hard keeping up with her!

I told her all about how to get good room upgrades at Hilton hotels, and how to hook up her DVD player to get free HBO, and stuff like that. She kept yawning, so I knew she was fascinated.

But then it got just plain weird. Without warning, Paris reached over with both hands and pulled off a rubber mask to reveal… well, actually I signed a pre-date document saying I wouldn’t discuss anything that happened. So let’s just leave it at this: I have an amazing anecdote that I’m allowed to use five years after “her” death.

Paris Hilton slideshow:

Heiress Paris Hilton appears on the German TV show “Wetten dass…?” in Erfurt, Germany, March 29, 2008. REUTERS/Jens Meyer/Pool

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