Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Have yourself a creepy little Christmas?

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Blog Guy, I loved reading that you have too much Christmas spirit. This is most wonderful time of the year, right? Don’t you just LOVE all the Christmas songs?

Well, yes, all except the creepy ones.

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I wasn’t aware that there are any creepy ones.

Then you haven’t been paying attention. Over the past 500 years some pretty sick stuff has flown in under the “Peace on Earth” radar.

LONDONFor instance, listen closely to “We Wish you a Merry Christmas.” “Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;  Oh, bring us a figgy pudding…We won’t go until we get some;  We won’t go until we get some…”

So you see, these are basically 16th century extortionists and home invaders, I guess prepared to stay forever until they get pudding. I believe red-hot pokers are mentioned in later verses.

Now, a toast to the martyrs!

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WC

Yo Blog Guy, we had our office holiday party last night and some of the folks got SO hammered!

That’s just pathetic. There’s a reason why binge drinkers are reviled. Boozers, guzzlers, drunken buttheads, lush-faced rum-suckers, martyrs, winos, souses, sots….

Wine angels: wenches on winches?

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Blog Guy, many college seniors depend on you for career advice. Are there any new opportunities out there? I am a woman with a creative writing major. I enjoy swinging from ropes and being around alcoholic beverages. Any advice?

Yes. Look into the exciting field of “wine angelry.” Apparently some hotels and restaurants are now storing their huge wine collections vertically, several stories high, and “wine angels” are sent up to retrieve bottles that are ordered, to entertain diners.

A very sobering experience?

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On the topic of life imitating art, this guy in the bottom photo is straight out of one of my favorite short stories. I’ll be pretty impressed if any readers can identify it.

But enough of that. I hate to admit it, but I guess I just don’t get out enough.

Shcuse me…is thish the shtable?

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Lamar, the big race starts in less than an hour! Where are the jockeys?

They’re coming, Boss!

Are they ready? Did they prepare for the race?

You betcha, Boss! They spent all night drinking!

That’s good. Drinking alcohol?

Of COURSE alcohol, Boss! What ELSE would you drink before the big race?

Just checkin’, Lamar. And did they wear themselves out?

For sure! They danced non-stop. Can’t even keep their eyes open!

Ah, there they are now, Lamar! I can see ‘em trying to find the stable…

It’s a grand sight, isn’t it, Lamar! On a morning like this, with the sun comin’ up over the puke-filled mud and the jockeys staggerin’ this way in their finery, if you squint just a bit you’d think you’re at the Royal Ascot Races.

I’m out of here! Just call me Chicken Kiev!

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Hey Blog Guy, I’m takin’ a vacation to Kiev soon, and I need your travel advice. I like to hang out at singles bars. I guess they’re pretty much the same everywhere?

No. In Ukraine, the singles bars are run by women, who make their own rules.

That sounds kind of hot! So what should I expect when I make the bar scene?

Be prepared to reveal as much flesh as possible, and have total strangers judge you like a side of beef. While they’re looking you over they will ask mindless questions, like “What’s your sign?” and “Do you come here often?”

One for the road? Are you fricking serious?

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Quick quiz: If you’re a jittery driver, what’s a good way to steady your nerves before you hit the road?

    get plenty of sleep practice meditation think soothing, happy thoughts enjoy a refreshing alcoholic beverage

Yeah, I thought that last one was pretty lame myself, but it turns out a politician from Ireland’s governing party has said “jumpy” drivers might benefit from having a relaxing alcoholic drink to steady their nerves.

Just call me “Easy Writer”

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Blog Guy, a couple of weeks ago you featured a rebus in your blog. How about another one?

Rebus? You mean that Roman guy who was the brother of Romulus?

No, you dimwit. Not Remus, REBUS!

Oh, you mean Uncle Rebus, that guy with the “Br’er Rabbit” stories.

Slay bells ring, are ya listenin’?

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The holidays are rushing at us, and if you’re like me, nothing says “Peace on Earth” like the topic of serial killers. So you’ll be happy to know that the 2010 Serial Killer Calendar is now available if you’re looking for a gift for Uncle Lamar, who broke out of maximum security and is knocking on your door with an ax.

I am not making this up. You really can get the calendar online, and at some pretty respectable bookshops.

Hey, who barfed on the president’s rug?

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Blog Guy, I want some White House insider information. What do guests normally drink when they go to an Oval Office meeting?

Well, I’ve blown up a portion of a high-resolution photo released by the White House, and you can see a typical tray of drinks being passed around. I can try to guess what they are, unless you expect accuracy…