Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Just 24 beers? How about two dozen, instead?

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I’m sorry sir, but you can’t drive that tow-truck full of beer onto the motor racing grounds, I’m afraid. It’s over the posted limit.

Limit? Limit? But it’s BEER!

I understand, sir, but this year, racing fans coming to the Bathurst 1000 will be limited to only 24 cans of beer a day. We don’t want folks getting drunk.

Just 24 cans? What am I supposed to do after lunch? Can I bring in wine?

Yes, four liters a day, INSTEAD of beer.

Four liters of wine? I go through that much at Communion! What about low-alcohol beer?

You may have 36 cans of that per day, sir!

Woo-hoo! Thirty-six cans! I beat the system! Out of the way, loser, I’m comin’ in!

I didn’t prepare ya for Bavaria?

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Blog Guy? I read about Oktoberfest in your blog and went to the bar you suggested, and now I wanna die!

Really? What did you order?

Hold your voice down. I’ve never had a headache this bad. I ordered “Bavarian Shooters.” My ears are still ringing. I inhaled so much black smoke…

Lookin’ for my Luger, Sugar?

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Blog Guy, recently you blogged about that Oktoberfest thing in Germany – you know, the party with all the beer and the women with those huge, uh, mugs? I saw a travel ad for it that said, “Come to Germany and get frisky!”

I think you misread that. It said, “Come to Germany and get FRISKED.”

Another chick with huge mugs…

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Blog Guy, if it’s August, it’s just about Oktoberfest over there in Germany. Isn’t this about the time they show some cute chick with those huge – watcha-call ‘ems?

They call those big things mugs.

Mugs? Yeah, I guess so. I never heard that euphemism before. So tell us about Oktoberfest.

Floyd, my olive floated out of reach!

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Blog Guy, I have a question about the space program. How do those astronauts unwind after a tough day of space walking and stuff?

Are you stupid? You’ve never seen Battlestar Gallactica? They have a Space Bar up on the space station now.

The worst swim-up bar EVER!

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Blog Guy, I normally love tropical swim-up bars. There’s nothing like paddling over for a refreshing cocktail.

But this week I’m staying at an Italian seaside resort, and I can’t figure out their system. The drinks were already made, but they pulled them away when I tried to grab one. Not only that, they used these long poles to beat me senseless.

It ain’t exactly Baywatch…

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Dear Mom and Dad,

Well, I finally made it to Bali, my dream vacation, and it’s everything I ever hoped for!

I’m writing this postcard from exotic Kuta Beach, soaking up rays, sipping a lychee martini, ogling the handsome lifeguard with his sexy combat boots and assault rifle, and thinking about…

A place to get gas and gassed…

Quick quiz: Where would be a really stupid place to sell booze? a) churches b) kindergartensc) hospitals d) gas stations Okay, they’re all pretty stupid, but I guess I’m going to say gas stations, because you really can buy liquor there in Lithuania. I’m not making this up.But in a clear example of jack-booted repression, on January 1 it became illegal for gas stations to sell liquor at night.I mean, what could go wrong with a carload of yokels pulling off the highway, filling their tank, buying a couple of handles of vodka and roaring off into the darkness?To answer an obvious question, police data show that alcohol-related accidents have dropped by 45 percent since the ban was imposed. Nevertheless, an oil and gas company is fighting the ban, saying it may force them to start closing their stations at night and laying off workers.Well boo-hoo! My own personal opinion is that they should continue the ban at gas stations, and just sell their booze at highway toll booths, instead.

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Above: Women play in mud during international music festival “Be2gether” in Lithuania, June 13, 2009. REUTERS/Vasily Fedosenko

Wadda Colada! Poke me another coconut, bartender!

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Blog Guy, I’ve got 54 seconds to waste. Hit me with something bizarre.

Did you already try the Tarzan yell video?

That’s over a minute. I’ve only got 54 seconds.

Everybody’s always in a hurry nowadays! Okay, watch this video of a Malaysian kung fu master as he pierces four coconuts with his finger in just over 30 seconds.

But why would anybody want to do that?

Are you kidding? Can you imagine how fast he can make piña coladas? You watch this amazing 54-second clip and you’ll say, “I’d gladly pay five bucks for a piña colada at that dude’s tropical beach bar!

I said RED wine, butt-face!

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If you weren’t convinced the world is going to hell from reading my post on the Heart Attack Grill, here’s an item that should put you over the top.

You know how, after a hard day of work, you really want to find somebody to belittle and demean and taunt?