Blog Guy, don’t get me wrong. I love the fact that you post fresh stuff on Saturdays and Sundays, and I enjoyed learning about balloon animal makers and naked hokey pokey this weekend.

Thanks. But?

Well, I thought maybe if you used a few more gratuitous photos from the big Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in New York it might artificially pump up your weekend numbers. I know it’s a cheap trick, but times are hard.

Indeed. I take your point, stranger. Three fresh photos from the big show, and I’ll throw in tags like lingerie and models and fashion and stuff like that. Thanks for the suggestion!

Um, Blog Guy, this isn’t exactly what I had in… oh, never mind….

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Left: Actor Kyle MacLauglin arrives for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in New York, November 19, 2009.

Center: Actor Jeremy Sisto arrives for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

Right: Sir Richard Branson, founder and president of Britain’s Virgin Group, arrives for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

REUTERS photos by Carlo Allegri

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Blog Guy, I’m looking to hire an entertainer for my daughter’s fourth birthday party. Can you recommend somebody who makes balloon animals? I want the very best.

Sure. I’d go for this guy in China. Look how good he is.

What the hell is he making there?

Uh, I think that’s his famous Yellow Earthworm with Green Scales.”

Blog Guy, you’re a dolt. That man is a chef. He’s cutting cucumbers with a sharp cleaver on a balloon, to show his technique.

Whatever. So are you going to hire him for the party?

You’re deranged, Blog Guy. Why would I bring a man with a razor-sharp cleaver to a party for small children?

Well, it’s my understanding the Birthday Girl gets to eat the cucumbers.

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A chef cuts a cucumber on a balloon to show his skills during a cooking competition in Hefei, Anhui province November 20, 2009. REUTERS/Jianan Yu

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Blog Guy, help settle an argument with my wife. What’s the most popular dance? I say it’s the tango, but she says it’s the samba. So? So? Which is it?

You’re both wrong. It’s the naked hokey pokey. Haven’t you noticed the proliferation of naked hokey pokey dance clubs and cable shows?  Where do you live, Wyoming?

I think I would know about something like that. How did this craze get started, anyway?

Think about it. If you’re dressed, there are limits to the body parts you can put in and out and shake them all about. But if you get buck-naked, it adds, uh, variety.

Blog Guy, are you totally out of you mind?

Well sure, but that’s a different topic. Are we done with the naked hokey pokey?

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Men undergo a medical examination for the People’s Liberation Army land forces in Zhaoping county, Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region November 20, 2009.  REUTERS/China Daily

Dancers perform during a dress rehearsal of the tango musical Tanguera at Berlin’s Staatsoper, July 9, 2009. REUTERS/Thomas Peter  

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According to the founder of the World Toilet Organization, the reason people are so reluctant to talk about hygiene is that it isn’t cool. He may have a point.

Television and movies show us what’s cool, and they don’t show toilets. Sure, Fonzie frequently checked out his hair in the bathroom, but you just saw a mirror.

All of this could have been different if the toilet lobby had gotten into product placement early on.

Imagine the coolest characters in movie history. What if…

• Dirty Harry emerged from the men’s room to blast the punks, waddling with his trousers around his ankles…
• The last line in the immortal “Casablanca” was, “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Stop a sec, I gotta wizz…”
• In “The Great Escape,” Steve McQueen escaped the Nazis by pulling his motorcycle into a rest stop and slipping into a men’s room stall.
• The iconic quote was: “Bond, James Bond. You got a crapper I can use?”

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Above: Actors Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet slide down a large inflatable toilet slide for the premiere of the animated feature “Flushed Away” in New York City in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson

Below: The actual bathroom of the late actor Roddy MacDowell is on display at the Hollywood History Museum in a 2001 file photo. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

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Blog Guy, you’ve written a lot in past years about your Christmas spirit and holiday mood, and this year I feel the same! Merry Christmas! What a joyous season! Eh?

Oh, I don’t know…

What are you talking about? It’s your favorite time of year! I thought nothing could dampen your spirit!

It’s just that I’ve seen something…. Something horrible. Something no human should ever have to watch.

I don’t care WHAT you saw, it shouldn’t douse the Christmas flame! Chestnuts on an open fire, sleigh rides, peace on earth…. Little children.

God bless us, every one! Buck up, Blog Guy!

Yeah, I suppose you’re right, friendly stranger. Say, would you mind clicking on this video below? Turn your volume way up….

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Blog Guy, my favorite actress is Marcia Gay Harden. Why isn’t she in more stuff?

Because Marcia divides her time between acting and her real love, working as the captain of a luxury cruise ship.

WHAT?

We caught up with her this week in New York City, aboard the Carnival Dream, tooting the horn, dropping the anchor and stuff, charting a course for Louisville or someplace like that.

Blog Guy, are you out of  your fricking mind? She’s just there to promote a new cruise ship. That’s it.

You know, that’s what I thought at first, too. But look at the caption. It has one of those NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS warnings on it.

So, why would they bring in a famous actress and then not be able to use the pictures for anything? No, I’m sticking with my original guess, that she’s the captain.

Blog Guy, do you always just “guess” at the so-called news you print here?

No, not always. Sometimes I just make it up completely.

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Actress Marcia Gay Harden dons Carnival Dream Captain Carlo Queirolo’s hat while touring the ship’s bridge in New York City, November 12, 2009. Harden presided over ship’s naming ceremonies for the new ship. REUTERS/Ray Stubblebine/ Carnival Cruise Lines/HO) FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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Blog Guy, my girlfriend gave me a gift certificate for my birthday, and I’m treating myself to some nice new duds. I wanna be right up there with the latest fashions. What should I get?

That’s simple. Shop around for a nice shirt, and then don’t buy it and don’t wear it. Just go out shirtless.

No shirt? You don’t understand. My neighborhood Applebee’s won’t let me through the door without a shirt.

They’ll have to. Just show them this picture from a fashion show a couple of days ago. It’s 2009, baby! If you’re wearing trousers and shoes, that’s enough.

Amazing. And the chicks are okay with this look?

Well, they don’t seem too upset in this runway photo. Look, one woman has actually lost her mind and started to clap, like she’s at some fricking Chippendales revue. She seems a little too easy to entertain, if you ask me.

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A model takes to the catwalk wearing a creation by Pakistani designer Tayyab Bombal during Fashion Pakistan Week in Karachi on November 7, 2009. REUTERS/Adrees Latif

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Welcome back to our regular feature, Stuff Maybe we Should Have Explained in the Caption, but Didn’t.

Our full caption for this photo, which you may read below and which I did not tamper with, tells us this pianist is performing during a concert in the middle of a rice paddy in Taiwan.

Huh?

Well we can SEE that, can’t we?

I mean, it’s not that I DOUBT those details or anything, but having grown up myself in an agricultural region seriously lacking in farm- based entertainment, I’m just curious about stuff:

• Is this guy like so bad, this is the only place he can play?

• 

  Is it really a “concert” if only a dog is listening?

• Is it Intermission? Are those people in the corner off to the concession stand for Milk Duds?

• Is it politically correct for him to play “Chopsticks” in a Taiwanese rice paddy?

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Taiwanese pianist Chen Kuan-yu performs during a concert in the middle of a rice paddy in Chishang Township, Taitung County November 7, 2009. REUTERS/Stringer

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All de world am sad and dreary,

Ebry where I roam,

Oh! darkies how my heart grows weary,

Far from de old folks at home…

Welcome back to our feature, “What Year is it Again?” in which we take a look at photos and stories that make us think it may still be the 20 century, or the 19th, or maybe even the 15th century.

Here we have photos of Belgium’s royal family visiting what the caption calls a “circus.”

Now, I’m not a huge circus fan anyway, but at least I thought you could still visit the big top without stepping back into a Stephen Foster song and finding a bunch of white dudes in blackface makeup.

Before you ask, yes, I do understand kids from underprivileged families were invited to this “circus,” but the fact that children don’t have money shouldn’t mean they don’t have standards or taste.

I mean, this is the sort of thing you might expect to find at, let’s see, perhaps the Oktoberfest?

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Top: Belgium’s Queen Paola (R) arrives with her grandchildren at the Bouglione Circus in Brussels October 28, 2009. About 1,000 children from underprivileged families were invited to the circus by Bouglione.

Bottom: Queen Paola and Princess Astrid (2nd R) talk with Alexandre Bouglione of the Bouglione Circus at the end of a show. Princess Astrid’s daughters Princesses Laetitia Maria (2nd L) and Louise (3rd R) also attended the show.

REUTERS photos by Thierry Roge

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Quick quiz: This photo shows…

a) The risk of letting tall people browse in light fixture shops

b) What happens when a dimwitted assistant is told to create a “bandolier.”

c) A woman who has begun the controversial medical procedure to turn herself into a 1991 Cadillac Fleetwood

d) A scene from the world’s cheesiest “Phantom of the Opera” production

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A model presents a creation from Mexican designer Alberto Rodriguez’s spring/summer 2010 collection during a fashion show in Mexico City October 19, 2009. REUTERS/Eliana Aponte

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