Blog Guy, I recently graduated from college with a major in creative writing and a minor in film studies. What sort of job should I be looking for?

Can you juggle?

What? You mean like tennis balls?

No, more like chainsaws. Ones that are actually running. If you check out the photo below, I think there may be an opening when Stumpy here “retires.”

We already know that his assistant, Lefty, isn’t going to move up in the organization.

Maybe you didn’t understand me. I said creative writing and film studies. Shouldn’t I command something better than chainsaw-juggling?

Of course, my mistake. Do you think you could bend a horseshoe with your teeth?

Yes, thanks! That’s more like it!

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Above: Rainer Schroeder, 48, from Germany, bends a horseshoe with his teeth to set a new World Record during the Impossibility Challenger in Dachau, north of Munich June 21, 2009.

Left: Milan Roskopf, of Slovakia, juggles three motor saws during the Impossibility Challenger.

REUTERS photos by Michaela Rehle

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Blog Guy, my friend and I are two young women who have a musical duo. We play violin and tuba.

Interesting, I’m betting there isn’t much competition in that niche market.

No, indeed. If you want a violin and tuba duo, you pretty much have to come to us.

Here’s our problem. When we show up to play a gig we like to be treated like guests until it’s time for our show, but we stick out like a sore thumb with our instrument cases. Suggestions?

Yeah, I know a hairdresser who can help hide your horn and violin until it’s time to perform. Nobody will even guess what you do.

That’s fantastic! Of course, the duo may not last much longer anyway. My partner dreams of living in the Caribbean. She wants to take her tuba to Aruba.

Don’t tell me she likes to scuba!

Okay.

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Models present creations during a hair show in Budapest June 20, 2009. REUTERS/ Karoly Arvai

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Happy Father’s Day, Blog Guy! What’s the thing that makes you think most about fathers and sons on this special day? Baseball? Fishing?

Television. Especially classic TV, when Dad came home from the office in a suit and kept it on until bedtime, and maybe didn’t even take it off then. To me, nothing says father like a scripted dad getting paid to love his pretend kids.

This week, there was an event reuniting make-believe good TV dads and former child actors. But it ignored the more interesting bad dads, like Tony Soprano, Archie Bunker, Homer Simpson…

And there’s Bryan Cranston, a mediocre father in “Malcolm in the Middle” and now, in “Breaking Bad,” a dad who makes and sells major supplies of crystal meth. Gee Dad, you’re the greatest!

Don’t you think Tony Soprano was the worst-ever TV dad?

Are you kidding me? I guess you don’t watch “The Tudors.” Tony Soprano was a regular Andy Griffith compared with Henry VIII.

“Daddy, I’m leaving the castle to go Christmas shopping for mommy!”

Oh Elizabeth, I wouldn’t worry too much about that, heh heh heh!”

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Above: Actor Dick Van Dyke (L) of “The Dick Van Dyke Show” poses with his TV son, actor Larry Mathews, as they arrive for “A Father’s Day Salute to TV Dads”  hosted by the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences in Los Angeles,  June 18, 2009.

Left: (Rear L-R) Actors Bill Paxton from “Big Love,” Jon Cryer from “Two and a Half Men,” Patrick Duffy from “Dallas” and “Step by Step,” Stephen Collins from “7th Heaven,” Reginald VelJohnson from “Family Matters” and (front L-R) Dick Van Patten from “Eight is Enough,” Dick Van Dyke from “The Dick Van Dyke Show” and Michael Gross from “Family Ties.” REUTERS photos by Fred Prouser

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Blog Guy, it’s a rainy Saturday where I am. Hit me with something stupid. And I mean this had better be Grade A stupid!

Okay, how about this video from a Paris exhibit all about Tarzan.

I’m a bit wary of that. How do I know I won’t learn something?

Trust me. Nobody will ever learn anything from my blog. If you want to learn something, read the story. This video just shows how you can try out your own Tarzan yell.

Tarzan yell?

 ”Or-ah-uh-ah-aaah-ah-uh-ah-uh-aah!!”

Hey, thanks, Blog Guy, that’s plenty stupid enough for me on a rainy Saturday!

Check out the video report

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Above: Johnny Weissmuller as Tarzan

Left: A visitor looks at pictures during the exhibition “Tarzan!” at the Quai Branly Museum in Paris June 16, 2009.  REUTERS/Philippe Wojazer 

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Blog Guy, I know you closely follow the film industry. What’s Steven Spielberg’s next blockbuster?

Well, of course he put his movie projects on hold in recent months while he campaigned to become President of Iran. But now it looks like…

WHAT? President of Iran?

Yeah, you probably followed the campaign as I did, through photos, but he must have lost, because he suddenly dropped off of the photo file.

You’re trying to tell me the director of “Schindler’s List” ran for President of Iran? Are  you an idiot? You’re mixing up Spielberg with presidential candidate Mirhossein Mousavi!

Oh yeah? Have you ever seen those two dudes together at the same time?

Of course not!

Bingo. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

Above left: Iran presidential candidate Mirhossein Mousavi, REUTERS/Raheb Homavandi

Above right: Director Steven Spielberg REUTERS/Mike Theiler

Left upper: Iran presidential candidate Mirhossein Mousavi REUTERS/Morteza Nikoubazi

Left lower: Director Steven Spielberg REUTERS/Jean-Paul Pelissier

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Well, Madison Avenue gets screwed again!

Below, you can see photos of music legend Phil Spector released by corrections officials, without any of his numerous wigs, as he begins a sentence of 19 years to life for the 2003 murder of an actress.

But WAIT! The caption warns that these photos can’t be used for advertising campaigns.

Just suck it up, all you ad agencies champing at the bit to feature a bald, 69-year-old murderer to sell your Dentine or Lucky Charms or whatever.

Sorry, that goes for you guys with the Hair Club for Men advertising account, too.

But here’s what I really like about these photos. As if Spector doesn’t have enough trouble, they add insult to injury by releasing mugshots that show he barely covers the five-foot mark on the wall. Gee thanks, guys!

Spector’s wigs

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Above: Music producer Phil Spector in the Los Angeles Superior Court, for his sentencing for the February 2003 shooting death of actress Lana Clarkson, May 29, 2009. REUTERS/Al Seib/Pool

Left: Shots of Spector, dated June 5, 2009 and released June 10, 2009. REUTERS/California Department of Corrections/Handout. FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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Mr. Spielberg, I know we didn’t plan to make any more Indiana Jones movies, but this opportunity is just too good to pass up.

Forget about Harrison Ford. We’re recasting the part with - are you ready? - President Barack Obama!

We’ve already done some screen tests, and he looks PERFECT in the hat! And as you’ll see, he was BORN to say the classic Indy line, “I don’t know, I’m making this up as I go”

But here’s the neatest part, Mr. Spielberg, Obama has actually submitted his own script!

It’s not bad. It has Nazis and Commies and aliens, and then in the big climax he gets them all into a room and calls for “new beginning.”

Just picture it, Mr. Spielberg, he cracks his whip and says, “This cycle of suspicion and discord must end.” And then the credits roll…

Oh. Well, okay, I guess he wouldn’t mind if we reworked it just a bit, Mr. Spielberg.

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President Barack Obama tours the Egyptian Great Pyramids of Giza, and the Sphinx in handout photos taken June 4, 2009 outside of Cairo and later released by the White House. REUTERS/Pete Souza/The White House/Handout

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Blog Guy, explain something to me. I shot game two of the NBA Finals last night, and I had all the great action shots - Kobe Bryant, Courtney Lee, Pau Gasol - but my editor wouldn’t use any of them.

What did I do wrong?

You just never listen, do you? How many shots did you get of Leo?

Leo?

Leonardo DiCaprio! That’s the guy you want to shoot at the Lakers games! Look at these classic basketball shots in this combo, all taken at different games! Do I have to tell you everything?

I’m sorry, I just forgot. It’s here in my notes from your blog. IF YOU’RE NOT SHOOTING LEO, YOU’RE NOT SHOOTING BASKETBALL.

Right. And what did I say is the ONLY shot better than Leo?

Uh, here it is. Jack Nicholson’s exposed gut.

Exactly. Now go study those notes, and don’t bring me any more Kobe Bryant!

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Above: Assorted Leonardo DiCaprio shots by REUTERS.

Right: Actor Jack Nicholson cheers during Game 2 of the NBA Finals between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Orlando Magic in Los Angeles, June 7, 2009. REUTERS/Mike Blake

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Blog  Guy, I’m suspicious of my next-door neighbor. He doesn’t look normal. He dresses all in black.

Maybe he’s one of those Goths?

I don’t think so. I’ve tried talking to him, and he sounds kind of like that guy with the deep voice who used to say “Welcome to Bell Atlantic.”

Does he always dress in black?

Absolutely. When he mows his lawn, when he grills outside, even when he  washes his car. Always with the black helmet and cape.

Very interesting. Anything else that sticks in your mind?

His breathing is very heavy and labored.

I’m going to guess that he’s a Goth who suffers from asthma. Any other clues?

You know, through all the heavy breathing, I think I heard him say Darth. Does that help?

Yes! it fits with the black outfit! He’s that country singer, Darth Brooks!

You’re the king of the imbeciles, Blog Guy. Number one.

Thanks! It’s an honor just to be nominated!

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A man dressed as Star Wars character “Darth Vader” arrives for the launch of an exhibition in Melbourne, Australia, June 2, 2009. REUTERS/ Mick Tsikas

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Blog Guy, you haven’t written anything about that singer, Susan Boyle. After she didn’t win “Britain’s Got Talent” she was admitted to a London clinic, and I want to know what’s going on there.

Why?

When something touching and beautiful happens to someone, I want to make sure it doesn’t last long, and that they pay for it by being hounded to the gates of eternal hell until the day they die.

Ah, that makes sense, and as a media person I can’t turn you down. So what are you looking for?

Oh. Um, well this “place” where she is, what color is the sign outside?

Looks like green to me.

And is there an iron gate around it? And columns?

Yes and yes. Are you enjoying this?

Not as much as I thought. I want her to come back out, so I know for sure she’s being tormented.

I’m on it.

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Above: Members of the media wait outside the Priory Hospital, in north London, June 1, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Stephen Hird

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