Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

What Jack Bauer won’t tell you?

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Blog Guy, I know you’ve blogged about the TV series “24″. I see the two-hour season finale is coming up. Is it too late for me to start watching?

Geez, why would you think that, just because you’ve missed 22 hours?

So the ship has sailed?

Nah, you can always jump into this series just for the finale, as long as you remember the unfailing “24″ rules:

    Everyone you think is good is really bad Everyone you think is dead is really alive Everything you think Jack Bauer’s daughter knows, she doesn’t Everyone who ever worked for CTU was a mole, but somehow they all missed seeing each other at the annual CTU Mole Christmas Party

That’s awesome! When did you figure all this out?

I guess it was in Season Five, when Mother Teresa opened fire on the U.S. President with an Uzi, but Adolf Hitler stepped up and saved him.

Why did the singer cross the road?

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Dear Mr. Blog Guy: On Monday you had an item about an Asian band that paid homage to The Beatles’ iconic Abbey Road album cover.

Well, I want to tell you about the Canadian band I represent. They’re taking the original Abbey Road  cover in a different direction.

From tapdance to lapdance?

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A reader named Kelli, in Texas, writes, “Bob, I’m starting to enter serious beauty pageants, and I’m looking for something to perform in the talent portion. I was planning to twirl a baton while whistling ‘The Yellow Rose of Texas… ‘”

Well Kelli, that’s fine. But as we’re no longer living in the 1950s maybe you should be a bit more edgy.

Another load of Abbey Road?

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Blog Guy, I read that a previously unseen George Harrison lyric, found on the floor of the Abbey Road studios and dating back to 1967, has gone on display. Amazing interest in The Beatles, huh, for a group that hasn’t been together in four decades. What does that tell you?

That they don’t clean the floor very often at Abbey Road? But I do take your point, assuming you mean the BRITISH version of the group, right?

Cool! Ma’am, do you have a gun on you right now?

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Hey Blog Guy, I recall that you set up fantasy photographs for your readers, bringing bizarre pairings of people together. I have the strangest request yet. I want Janet Napolitano, the Homeland Security Secretary, and Ashton Kutcher, the actor.

Here you go. The caption says he’s on the right, she’s on the left.

Thanks! It must be hard to get shots of movie stars. You know, following them in high-speed chases, bribing hotel clerks for info…

Pardon me for butting in?

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“I’m gonna need a hacksaw!”

Fans of the TV series “24″ will recognize that quote from Jack Bauer, the agent Kiefer Sutherland plays, just before he decapitated some poor guy.

Sutherland is charged in an alleged “headbutting” incident at a “swank party”  in New York City this week, but I don’t buy it. If the dude accusing him is still breathing, it’s not Jack Bauer’s style.

Hand me a hose, I’m the Pope!

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Okay guys, for reasons that baffle me, the stupid network dropped our Police Pope! series. It’s a blow, but we’re back in the lineup this fall with something even better: Jacob’s Ladder!

The new premise is that the Pope used to be a fireman. He still misses the action, see, so the Italian firefighters call him in on really tough fires.

You can’t HANDLE the ball!

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Okay guys, this is your big chance tonight. We’re playing the Lakers, so Old Coach has some sage advice for you. Listen up.

You can make or break your career tonight. You know how?

What? By scoring the winning shot? Oh please, get a grip!

No! Tonight you can get your big break because Jack Nicholson will be at the game, and you can do something so dramatic that you get photographed near him! You can’t buy publicity like that!

SNL veterans: not stand-up comedy?

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Blog Guy, I really love Amy Poehler – you know, from Saturday Night Live! Isn’t she in some new show on TV?

Yes.

Hey, thanks for that information. I’d love it if you could run a picture of her in your blog.

And what became of the monk, the monk, the monk?

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Quick quiz: The man in this photo…

a) is a professional aspirin tester, giving himself a routine headache at the start of his workday.

b) is a Kindle reader who just HATES the new John Grisham book!

c) is disappointed to realize he could’ve had a V8.

d) is killing flies by a method that isn’t doctor-recommended.

This item is for all you college seniors writing in to ask me about careers in the exciting field of iron sheet disposal. I can tell you from tough personal experience that it’s not as glamorous as it looks.