Memo to staff: This seemed like a great idea, designing a dress that evokes the iconic image of screen goddess Marilyn Monroe with her skirt blowing up in a sudden gust from a subway grate.  

But I have to say our version lacks the whimsical  sensuality of the original. It turns out, artificially holding the skirt up with heavy starch and coathangers looks less like a great moment in movies, and more like a big sailor hat.

What if we sew in a push-button electric fan gadget to blow the skirt up at random now and then? Who’s with me on this? But make sure the models sign that personal injury waiver…

(movie poster, The Seven-Year Itch)

A model poses during a fashion show by students of National Institute of Fashion Technology in Hyderabad, India,  May 2, 2008. REUTERS/Krishnendu Halder

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Blog Guy, I’ve seen readers mention wagering large sums on the most popular items in your blog, but I didn’t believe it until now. I’m in Las Vegas, and the gaming in a classy casino has stopped while we await your April results.  My money is on that emaciated model.

Ouch, I hope you hedged your bet a bit. Yours was number three. The top item was $60,000? I only parked for an hour!, about a new kind of urban car parking being tested. The post was very, very popular.

But if that was number one, why are you illustrating these results with a Victoria’s Secret model from the second-place item?

Oh, get real. Here are the top five:

5. Babe, can we skip this museum?

4. 75 MPH? Must be a school zone!

3. The bride’s shoulder blades were stunning…

2. News is skimpy on the bikini beat

1. $60,000? I only parked for an hour!

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St. Domenico was the patron saint of people bitten by snakes, see, so every year these townspeople thank him by covering his statue with writhing, slithering, fang-showing, tongue-darting snakes.

Then everybody jams themselves so close to the snake-draped statue that they can’t move at all. 

But anyhow, here’s the guy I love. He’s right next to the statue, hitting his head Homer Simpson-style. You can see him just starting to do the math. I figure the next photo in the sequence, which I sadly lack, is probably a masterpiece of physical comedy.

Slithering slideshow…    Video report:

Snakes cover a wooden statue at the beginning of the St. Domenico procession in Cocullo, Italy May 1, 2008. REUTERS/Max Rossi

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Welcome to the finals of the National Science Project Hat Design competition, here at the Tropicana Club. You young ladies should be very proud!

Third place, on the left, goes to Jill’s intricate double helix DNA model! Second place, in the middle, is Kate’s model of our entire solar system, including that little thingy that isn’t even a planet anymore. Congratulations!

And FIRST PLACE, over on the right, goes to… LUCY! Is that you? Wearing the chandelier from the lobby? You can’t be in the show! Lucy, you got some ’splainin’ to do! Ai yai yai yai yai!

Lost Lucy episode: Ethel’s Funeral

Models present creations by designer Dorian Ho at Fashion Week in Sydney, April 30, 2008. REUTERS/Tim Wimborne

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 ”You aren’t too smart. I like that in a man…”
- great line from the movie “Body Heat”

There has never been a better time to be a show off. Just last week I posted an item about a new magazine called Snob. And now, here we are with a special online dating service just for really, really  smart people.

All you have to do to qualify is go to intelligentpeople.com - nothing pretentious about that, is there? You have to take this test that proves whether you’re worthy to see the names of other people who passed it. 

The next thing that happens, you get a personalized message just like I got.

I think the message comes from this woman who started the service, who sent us a black and white picture of herself to use with our story.

Hey lady, I’m studying up for my last chance to pass your test. But you know what? I already know about color photos!

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Blog Guy, I want to travel abroad this summer, but one small problem is I have head lice. Will I have trouble?

Nah, you’ll just have to spin it the right way. Now listen. You’re not just some filthy foreigner carrying a head full of blood-sucking insects that are the stuff of grotesque urban legends.

Rather, your hair is ART. You are exploring the complex subject of guests and hosts. That should work. If you can, thrown in the word paradigm. Watch and learn:

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Memo to senior zoo management: The crocodile show opens soon, and we need to be ready. I’ve noticed that our big crocks are pretty dirty, so we really need to spiff them up.

I know our workers don’t like to get inside those jaws and clean out old body parts and crud, so here’s my idea. Tell them these are only MODEL crocodiles, not real ones. Crocks sit really still for long periods, so it could be HOURS before the cleaners find out the hard way…

“Hey, get way down in there with that Gator Floss, Tommy! He won’t bite you!”

“Stick my arm WHERE?” tourism…

A worker cleans a large model crocodile in preparation for a live crocodile show opening next month in Manila April 28, 2008.
REUTERS/Romeo Ranoco

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Blog Guy, I get around, you get around… I’m hearing rumors that two very famous people may actually be the same person. I can say no more.

You don’t have to. Recent photos of a certain huge name in music and a certain huge name in fashion are most   intriguing. I must say I’ve never seen these two people together. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

Let’s keep this to ourselves for now. Don’t worry about my readers, they’re cool.

Related post: Never the Twains shall meet?

Designer Donatella Versace at a party in Washington, April 26, 2008. REUTERS/Mike Theiler 

Mick Jagger in Serbia,  2007. REUTERS/Ivan Milutinovic

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Blog Guy, did I read somewhere that Pamela Anderson is coming back to TV?

Yes, recently we reported she will return in a documentary series about her.

I thought they made documentaries about coal miners in Kentucky and stuff like that. Why would we want to see one about her? Has she started coal mining?

No, but she’s doing other things. She was just in DC, representing PETA.

That Middle Eastern pocket bread?

No, that would be pita. Her organization, PETA, works to help animals.

Too bad. I like that bread. My wife puts salami and cream cheese in it, and…

Yeah, thanks. Here’s a photo of Pam with a PETA official named Dan. Our actual caption specifies that she’s the one on the left, I guess because people must confuse the two of them pretty often.

Pamela Anderson (L) looks up at Dan Mathews, an officer with PETA, People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals, at the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner in Washington, April 26, 2008. REUTERS/Mike Theiler

Anderson and U.S. Capitol Building, photo by Jim Young.

Related post: “Yes, it’s true…”

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From Moscow, news that some billionaire is starting a magazine named Snob. I’m serious.

This is a turning point in publishing. If he can market directly to our worst character flaws, watch out! We’ll see slick, glossy magazines like Big Jerky Butthead, and Wanton Hussy.  Subscribe to Town Drunk, and get a year of Stupid Blabbermouth, free!

“Honey, has my April issue of Eternally Damned Adulterer arrived yet?”

“No dear, but your new copy of Slack-Jawed Yokel is on the coffee table.”

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Italian fashion designer Valentino at the Cannes Film Festival in 2007 photo.  REUTERS/Yves Herman