Observant readers will note that actress Pamela Anderson seems to manage only a cruel sneer, one that reaches out and says, “Come here and I’ll kill you!”

I believe my blog was the first to report that Anderson’s face is doing weird things these days, but that isn’t what’s going on here.

If you look at some of the full-length shots from a Los Angeles awards show last night, you can see that the actress is simply wondering how she got talked into wearing a gown that…

a) doesn’t even seem to have been put on her correctly, and

b) is so grotesquely cumbersome that it requires a small, puzzled-looking child to hold portions of it at all times.

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Photo combo: Actress Pamela Anderson attends the Hollywood Style awards in Los Angeles, October 11, 2009.

Left: Anderson poses as Adelaide Gault holds a corner of her dress at the awards.

REUTERS photos by Mario Anzuoni

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Okay, staff, now you’ll see why we’ve kept our newest movie release under wraps.

We think it’s going to be the surprise smash hit of the holiday season. Who can compete with “Hugo and Muammar’s Excellent Adventure”?

Think of it as “Grumpy Old Men” meets “Thelma and Louise.” Two gruff guys with hearts of gold drive from Memphis to New Orleans, to “find the real America.”

Muammar has all these flamboyant outfits, see, and sleeps in a tent, and Hugo is a chatterbox who loves fried onion rings and never stops talking.

Meanwhile, people start mistaking them for two world leaders! There’s an accidental convenience store hold-up, confusion over a colonoscopy, a hysterical scene on a Mardi Gras float…

So let’s start the screening. Watch out for the sure-fire movie catch-phrase of the year: “Faster, Hugo, eet’s time for ‘Peemp My Ride!’“

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Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez (R) drives Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi’s limousine as they arrive at an event in Margarita Island September 28, 2009. REUTERS/Miraflores Palace/Handout    FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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In American pop culture, If you want to point out that we’re not in Kansas anymore and that things are happening way beyond your understanding, you only need to repeat a tiny snippet of sound, and people still get it.

It was exactly 50 years ago tonight that Americans tuned in to get a first glimpse at a TV show called “The Twilight Zone.”

Rod Serling, the genius behind the series, paved the way for amateurs like me, letting us cheapen his concept but still make the point that some pretty weird doo-doo doo-doo is still going down.

Here is where I’d like to insert my own recollection of that distant October evening, as a small boy gratefully learning I wasn’t alone in seeing a strange world around me.

What a cosmic eye-opener. To paraphrase Serling, “You’re traveling through another dimension - a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That’s a signpost up ahead: your next stop: Northside Indianapolis!”

Yes, I’d like to share that memory, but I can’t. I wasn’t watching the show.

Instead, like most Americans I was glued to an average private eye series called ”77 Sunset Strip.”

It would be years before I appreciated what I had missed. And “The Twilight Zone,” so much a part of our culture today, was a ratings disaster back then.

It defies comprehension, huh? “Doo-doo doo-doo, Doo-doo doo-doo…”

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Above: A televised Rod Serling is projected on an illuminated ball in the air at the unveiling of a new attraction, “The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror,” at a Disney theme park in 2004. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

Below: “Twilight Zone” DVD cover

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Blog Guy, I saw some Reuters photos billed as Evo Morales in Spain. She’s really put on some weight, hasn’t she? I mean, I used to think she was gorgeous, but…

She? Spain? I think you’re looking at pictures of  EVO Morales! He’s the President of Bolivia. You can see him down below.

Oh, I was looking for that actress from “Desperate Housewives.”

Well, that’s EVA Longoria. She would be someone different. You can see her over on the right, with Senator John McCain and his wife.

So the “Desperate Housewives” are moving to Bolivia?

No. You just wait here, I’ll be back soon.

Also, I don’t get your Evo Destruction headline.

I’m not too surprised.

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Above: Senator John McCain talks with his wife Cindy (C) and actress Eva Longoria Parker (L) in Phoenix. February 15, 2009. REUTERS/Lucy Nicholson

Below: Spain’s Queen Sofia (L) and Spain’s King Juan Carlos (R) talk to Bolivia’s President Evo Morales before a dinner in Madrid, September 14, 2009. REUTERS/ Susana Vera

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If you’re like most guys, hearing about the global financial meltdown makes you think about naked chicks. Then again, if you’re like most guys, hearing about tapioca pudding make you think about pretty much the same thing.

From my Department of Bad Taste, a famous cabaret in Paris offers a number called “Crisis,” where women lose their shirts, and nearly everything else, in the market plunge.

The place is Crazy Horse. Not Crazy Horse the warrior who taught Custer a lesson, but the other one, which teaches bumpkin tourists a lesson.

“Honey, we’re finished! Our worst fears have come true. Our life savings are gone. But we are here in Paris, so let’s scrape up our last few dollars and go someplace where we can take our minds off of the financial situation. Oh look, this Crazy Horse place might be a relief…”

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Dancers perform in “Crisis” during the press presentation of the new revue at the Crazy Horse in Paris, September 14, 2009. REUTERS/ Philippe Wojazer

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As an amateur anthropologist, I’ve spent years studying leisure activities in unfortunate parts of the world where - okay let’s be blunt - they don’t get American cable television.

I’ve found that this lack leads local cultures to settle for pitiful pastimes, like singing dingos and sofa races.  But nowhere are the ravages of TV deprivation as pathetic as they are in a place I like to call Spain.

Look at these genuine photos from this week. Competitors attempt to tear the head off of a killed goose. The winner gets the goose.

I swear, I am not making up this goose thing.

“Lonnie! Leggo of that goose head! Our New York cousin sent us some tapes!

Look! Here’s Dog the Bounty Hunter, Pimp my Ride, Ice Road Truckers,“  “Californication.” All kinds of quality stuff! Come on, Lonnie!”

“That’s okay, Ma! You watch it! I’ve just about got this goose head off, and then I’m heading for the bullfights!”

“Oh my poor Lonnie, I worry so about you. You’ll ALWAYS be a Spaniard!”

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A competitor attempts to tear off the head of a killed goose attached to a rope, which is repeatedly raised and lowered into the harbor, during fiestas in the Basque fishing town of Lekeitio September 6, 2009. REUTERS/Vincent West

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Blog Guy, I’m a huge fan of actor Michael Douglas. Any news about him?

Sure. He’s gone totally insane. Bonkers. Mental. Deranged. Nutsy.

Wow! Do you like have deep sources at a mental hospital or clinic or something?

Nah, I’m just looking at his hair from when he showed up for a movie screening in New York yesterday. Does that look like a sane guy’s haircut?

Well no, it doesn’t, but that’s your only evidence?

No. A couple of months ago he started lurking in bushes, and saluting people even though he’s not in the military. As you can see below, I have photos to prove it.

I’m stunned! Anything else?

Yeah, here’s a photo of his wife, Catherine Zeta-Jones.

What does that prove?

Absolutely nothing, I just love to use pictures of her. Besides, while I can’t be positive, I imagine she’s saying, “What’s up with your nutjob hair? And just STOP saluting me, buster!”

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Top: Actor Michael Douglas arrives at a screening of the film “Beyond A Reasonable Doubt” in New York, September 9, 2009. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

Middle: Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones reacts as she receives a surprise birthday cake in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Kim Kyung Hoon

Bottom: Douglas arrives at a presentation of his new film in Barcelona, July 8, 2009. REUTERS/Albert Gea

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Blog Guy, I read about a vocational training program for Afghan citizens. It sounds so strange I don’t even want to repeat it here…

I suspect you mean the Kabul-Capades, an ice skating extravaganza the U.S. is putting together so Afghanis will have real jobs after the war. As you can see, the basics of a good routine are being taught even before they put on skates.

How many new Afghan ice spectaculars does the U.S. think the world needs?

It isn’t JUST ice skating, silly! There’s a bluegrass music troupe called the Tali-Banjos. And the likely loser in the recent Afghan election will tour as Abdullah Abdullah’s Juggler Jugglers….

Hmmm. That does sound good. Can I buy a season ticket to get me into ALL the shows?

Sure. It’s called the…

No! Wait!

Too late. It’s called the Khyber Pass…

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Left: Skaters perform in a 1998 file photo. REUTERS/Andy Clark

Right: A U.S Marine searches an Afghan man for weapons near the town of Khan Neshin in Rig district of Helmand province, September 8, 2009. REUTERS/ Goran Tomasevic

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Blog Guy, you know where you can find really loose chicks?

Uh, no.

New York City. Yeah, it surprised me, too, but lots of those women in stiletto heels smoking outside office buildings aren’t as prim and proper as you might suspect.

That sure surprises me, but why are you bringing this up?

Because amid this wanton cesspool of harlots and floozies and doxies, I met two angels yesterday.

As I understand it, they were actresses working on a show about religious groups trying to lure bad men and convert them, called “Sects and the City.”

Here, I’m sending you some photos I took with my phone.

That’s real interesting, hayseed. Now don’t bother me again until you have Kim Cattrall saving somebody’s soul.

Sex and the City Slideshow

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Actresses Sarah Jessica Parker (L) and Cynthia Nixon filming the upcoming movie “Sex and the City 2″ in New York, September 4, 2009. REUTERS photos by Lucas Jackson

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Blog Guy, I’m very worried and I need your help. I read this article about expensive performers you can hire for weddings and parties. Like for just $1.5 million, I guess you could have Amy Winehouse sing at a child’s birthday party.

Yeah, if you’re not trying for the “Parent of the Year” award.

Well, here’s what really worries me. The article said Barry Manilow will play a party for $1.3 million. But what if he ‘demands more than that to NOT show up and play? I’m not sure I can afford that.

Sorry, you’ve lost me there…

Look. Suppose I’m setting up for my wedding reception and suddenly Barry Manilow comes by and says, “Looks like a nice party here. It’d be a shame if I came along and sang, wouldn’t it? For $2 million, I can promise that won’t happen.”

Well if that happens, then you just hang tough and say, “Look here, Barry Manilow, I’m not afraid of anything you can do to me!”

Yeah? And so then what if he raises his thumb, opens his mouth and says,” But I sent you away, oh Mandy, well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin’ and I need you today, oh, Mandy…”

Yeah, now I see your point. Is there anybody you could borrow the $2 million from? Maybe a second mortgage on your house, or dip into your 401K or something?

Slideshow on expensive wedding performers

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Above: British singer Amy Winehouse arrives at the City of Westminster Magistrates Court in central London, March 17, 2009. REUTERS/Kieran Doherty

Left: Singer Barry Manilow in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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