The tills are alive, with the sound of money,
The tourists will pay, for our souvenirs,
Their cash fills our tills, with the sound of mon-ney
Room service, bring us a doz-zen beers!

It turns out the original Sound of Music family home is being turned into a hotel, or you might say a von tourist von Trapp… You can sleep there, you can get married in the family chapel, or eat a few of your favorite things in the dining room.

This could be the start of a movie hotel theme trend. We could see the No Country for Old Men Hotel.  Dine in our Friendo Cafe. Locked out of your guest room? No problem! Bellhop Anton will be up to pop the lock for you!

Or maybe you prefer the There Will be Blood Bed and Breakfast? Enjoy dinner in the Plainview Restaurant. Drink your milkshake before Daniel does! Nah, maybe not.

Related post: Sound of Music sequel: Nun With A Gun!

Hotel director Marianne Dorfer stands in front of Villa Trapp, the original Sound of Music family home, in Salzburg May 13, 2008. REUTERS/photo Leonhard Foeger

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Blog Guy,

My boyfriend says the hottest new thing is zombie comedy clubs. Is this true?

Yes. Just because they’re zombies doesn’t mean they don’t want to be entertained. Indeed, modern zombies make up the largest single demographic for reality TV shows.

If you decide to go to a zombie club, some things to remember:

• If you see people lurching, don’t say “Geez, are THEY hammered!” They probably aren’t.
• Don’t make smalltalk about sucking blood. That’s a whole different group of creeps.
• Zombie humor can be tedious. The punchline to every joke is “And then I ate their brains!”
• Whatever you do, DON’T order the house chili!

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Members of laughter clubs participate in rally to commemorate  “World Laughter Day” in Chandigarh, India, May 4, 2008.  REUTERS/Ajay Verma

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Blog Guy, I’m intrigued by your reports on what life is like where they don’t have cable television. You’ve shown singing dingos, a mobile sauna and worse. What a sad existence!

I’ve been holding back a bit, but I may as well take the lid off. In some deprived places they compensate for a lack of TV by racing furniture. We’ve had credible reports of people racing beds and chairs, sometimes while listening to OOMPAH music.

My God! It’s worse than I ever imagined! Make it stop! It gets even worse. In both reports, people actually showed up to spectate. 

To spit?

No, that would be expectorate. They went to be spectators, to cheer the people racing furniture. And that’s where no cable television leads.

A participant speeds down a street during the first German office chair racing championship in the village of Bad Koenig-Zell, April 26, 2008.  REUTERS/Kai Pfaffenbach

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Yeah, Commander, we have a spectacular show for the graduation ceremony. You won’t believe it!

We take a volunteer up in a helicopter, see, and drop him out. The crowd goes nuts! Then, at the last possible second, a motorcycle zooms out of nowhere and tries to catch him!

Huh? Success rate? Are you stupid? That’s a real tough trick! We’ve never actually caught him, but we’ve come pretty danged close a couple of times. This could be our lucky day!

Related: That’s sumpthin’ you don’t see at every race…

A graduating policeman gives an acrobatic presentation during graduation ceremony in Baghdad, May 8, 2008. REUTERS/ Mahmoud Raouf Mahmoud

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They did a poll to find our favorite TV moms,  and the results are just irritating. Here’s a hint: number one was June Cleaver, from Leave it to Beaver. There are a few bright spots in the list, but mostly, ”favorite mom” translates to “mom in a deep coma.”

For those who don’t think a good mom needs to be like some cult member, I’m offering my own list of “best” TV moms.

5. Peg Bundy: Katey Sagal’s trashy character in Married with Children. Her homemade raisin bread recipe involves a loaf of bread, a box of raisins and a hammer.

4. Nancy Botwin: In Weeds, Mom sells marijuana to sustain her suburban lifestyle.

3. Atia of the Julii: Evil chick from the Rome series. She’s described as  “snobbish, willful, cunning, and sexually voracious,” and those are her good qualities

2. Livia Soprano: Okay, she ordered a hit on her own son. “You’re dead to me,  Mommy!”

1. Estelle Costanza: George’s mom from Seinfeld. He might have been better off with Livia Soprano.

Estelle Harris, who played Estelle Costanza, REUTERS photo by Fred Prouser

Gold forearm, she’s the girl, the girl with the Midas touch,
It’s a bit much,
Gold forearm, she’s been kissed, with bracelets stacked on her wrist,
Can’t make a fist,
Trendy places she’d like to have gone,
But the airlines won’t let her get on,
When this golden girl is walking her ferrets,
All her limbs are 18 carats…
Gold forearm…

Memo to fashion show security staff: Somebody has raided the models’ bracelet cabinet. We need to find the jewelry before the show. Whomever did the job must have hidden it, because nobody is tacky enough to wear all of it at one time. Keep your eyes open…

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Model displays gold jewelry ahead of the Hindu festival of Akshaya Tritiya at a showroom in southern Indian city of Hyderabad May 6, 2008.  REUTERS/ Krishnendu Halder

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In recent months I’ve informed readers about  pointless and shabby remakes of movies such as The Great Escape, Splash, The Birds, etc. Why can’t they leave the classics alone?

The latest seems to be an updated version of Spartacus, the 1960 epic starring Catherine Zeta-Jones’ father-in-law. From what I’ve heard, this is an anemic shadow of the original.

Who can forget the most famous scene, a mass crucifixion along the Appian Way. Compare that with this cheesy image from the new verion. I mean, guys just wearing crosses in their belts, that wouldn’t fool a gerbil, if gerbils watched movies. My advice, just go rent the original and watch it on your Betamax at home.

(Above, Spartacus publicity photo)

Paramilitary police maintain correct posture with crosses on their backs during a training session at a military base in Shenyang, China, May 6, 2008. REUTERS/ Stringer

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A tour company in Rio de Janeiro is in trouble because along with taking people on tours of the city’s notorious slums, it has been arranging for tourists to meet with genuine armed drug traffickers, and even have pictures taken with them. Who knew there was a market for that?

But here’s the best part. Instead of denying it, the guy from the tour firm in question said yeah, he does have tours like that, but “I’m not the only one.” Ah, good to know there’s competition.

“Mr. Soprano! Can I call you Tony? Sorry to barge into your Bada Bing! office here. Can you just stand between me and the little woman for a snapshot? Yeah, keep that real mean look! Say, can you kind of point that gun at me, Tony?”

James Gandolfini: REUTERS/Phil McCarten

Brazilian police recover body of alleged drug trafficker in Rocinha shantytown of Rio de Janeiro in a 2004 file photo. REUTERS/Bruno Domingos

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Quick quiz: your kids are pestering you for the so-called “day of fun” you promised them a couple of years ago when you were half-asleep.

A really good place to take them just to shut them up would be…

• Walt Disney World
• Colonial Williamsburg
• The White House
• Lethal Weapons Play Day at a military base

Yeah, I was surprised by that last option, too, until I saw our pictures of small children playing with assault rifles, grenade launchers and I don’t know, maybe even nuclear warheads. It’s anybody’s guess what they sell at the souvenir shop.

Related slideshow:

A boy points a grenade launcher during the People’s Liberation Army Camp Open Day Stanley Fort in Hong Kong, May 1, 2008. REUTERS/ Victor Fraile

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Memo to staff: This seemed like a great idea, designing a dress that evokes the iconic image of screen goddess Marilyn Monroe with her skirt blowing up in a sudden gust from a subway grate.  

But I have to say our version lacks the whimsical  sensuality of the original. It turns out, artificially holding the skirt up with heavy starch and coathangers looks less like a great moment in movies, and more like a big sailor hat.

What if we sew in a push-button electric fan gadget to blow the skirt up at random now and then? Who’s with me on this? But make sure the models sign that personal injury waiver…

(movie poster, The Seven-Year Itch)

A model poses during a fashion show by students of National Institute of Fashion Technology in Hyderabad, India,  May 2, 2008. REUTERS/Krishnendu Halder

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