Blog Guy, I’m very worried and I need your help. I read this article about expensive performers you can hire for weddings and parties. Like for just $1.5 million, I guess you could have Amy Winehouse sing at a child’s birthday party.

Yeah, if you’re not trying for the “Parent of the Year” award.

Well, here’s what really worries me. The article said Barry Manilow will play a party for $1.3 million. But what if he ‘demands more than that to NOT show up and play? I’m not sure I can afford that.

Sorry, you’ve lost me there…

Look. Suppose I’m setting up for my wedding reception and suddenly Barry Manilow comes by and says, “Looks like a nice party here. It’d be a shame if I came along and sang, wouldn’t it? For $2 million, I can promise that won’t happen.”

Well if that happens, then you just hang tough and say, “Look here, Barry Manilow, I’m not afraid of anything you can do to me!”

Yeah? And so then what if he raises his thumb, opens his mouth and says,” But I sent you away, oh Mandy, well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin’ and I need you today, oh, Mandy…”

Yeah, now I see your point. Is there anybody you could borrow the $2 million from? Maybe a second mortgage on your house, or dip into your 401K or something?

Slideshow on expensive wedding performers

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Above: British singer Amy Winehouse arrives at the City of Westminster Magistrates Court in central London, March 17, 2009. REUTERS/Kieran Doherty

Left: Singer Barry Manilow in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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I have trouble figuring out why some things are news. Readers know I’m confused about why we keep shooting identical photos of Madonna and her car in dozens of cities, as though we’ve never seen it before.

Then there’s this French so-called “daredevil” who climbs skyscrapers all over the world. Today he climbed a Petronas tower in Malaysia and was taken into police custody, which usually happens. Then, a couple of weeks later, he’s at it again, scaling a building somewhere else, only to wind up in custody again.

Why can’t this guy - let’s call him “Irritating Jackass” - be put on a list to keep him out of countries where he plans to break the law? Can’t they permanently attach a 200-pound weight to his ankle, or use crop-dusters to spray a sheen of grease on their tallest spires?

And I don’t understand why we have more than 300 photos, countless stories and video reports on his exploits, as if each one is news.

I propose a moratorium on coverage of this boor. No more photos, video or stories until the day we can work the words “Irritating Jackass” and “splat” into the headline. Now THAT, I would cover!

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Above: French climber known as “Spiderman” stands on the tip of the Malaysia’s landmark Petronas Twin Towers after scaling it in Kuala Lumpur, September 1, 2009. REUTERS/Zainal Abd Halim

Right: Pedestrians pause on the sidewalk to watch as French climber climbs the Italia building in downtown Sao Paulo in a 2008 file photo. The climber successfully scaled the building on his second attempt in a week, after being arrested by police on Sunday while he began to climb. REUTERS/Rickey Rogers

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If you’re like me - and I’m sorry if that’s the case - then you get frequent queries like this one via Facebook. It seems that Debbie Somebody wants to put my birthday on her calendar. Is that okay with me, it asks?

Sure, I guess so. I mean, Debbie probably wants to remember to get me something nice, maybe even have a surprise party for me.

But then I get this next message, which says that in order order to do this, Debbie’s calendar application needs to pull my profile info, my photos, my friends’ info and “other content.”

I have to presume “other content” means my sex change medical records, my birth certificate from Kenya and that 1970 photo of me in a Nehru jacket.

Jeez Debbie, WTF?  Isn’t it possible for you to just grab a pencil and write, “Bob’s birthday, August 5,” on your wall?

I mean, if you watch TV, you remember that Tony Soprano whacked Big Pussy Bonpensiero for giving up a LOT less information than your application wants from me. Watch your back, Deb.

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Left: “Sopranos” actors Vincent Pastore (Big Pussy Bonpensiero) (L) and Frank Vincent in 2004 file photo. REUTERS

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Blog Guy, you follow the European music scene closely. I heard Bono blew them away in London on the U2 world tour.

Yes, but the real star of that show was Erik Tysse, the warm-up act from Norway. Erik came out of nowhere to do a Susan Boyle sort of show-stopper, singing ”My Old Kentucky Home.”

I’m telling you, there wasn’t a dry eye in the stadium! “The sun shines bright in My Old Kentucky home, ‘Tis summer, and people are gay…”

You bonehead! I don’t even know where to begin. Erik Tysse was in Berlin at the athletics championships, not London, and he’s NOT singing “My Old Kentucky Home.”

Oh yeah? Then what IS he singing?

Nothing! He’s drinking water from a fricking bottle!

You know, I WONDERED why a Norwegian dude was singing about gay people in Kentucky!

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Left: Bono of the Irish rock band U2 performs at Wembley Stadium in London, August 14, 2009. REUTERS/Toby Melville

Right: Erik Tysse of Norway drinks water during the men’s 20 km walk at the world athletics championships in Berlin, August 15, 2009.  REUTERS/Wolfgang Rattay

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Blog Guy, I’ve been watching all the Woodstock retrospectives, but I’m afraid I just don’t get what it was all about. You’re a pretty old dude who remembers a few things from the ’60s, so I’m hoping you can clear this up.

I resent being called a “pretty old dude,” but I do think I can help. For most of the people there that weekend in 1969, the stage activity looked very much like these photos you see here.

Now WAIT just a second! I watched the Woodstock movie three times on my Blu-ray, and I didn’t see any tigers OR lions!

Hey! Don’t blame my generation if you ‘re not smart enough to adjust your Blu-ray player. This particular footage shows Led Zeppelin at Woodstock. I remember it like it was yesterday.

I happen to know Led Zeppelin wasn’t even AT Woodstock!

Exactly! Finally you’re starting to understand what these memories are all about!

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Above: Professional musicians wearing animal masks take a rest during their rehearsal at the Zoorasia zoo in Yokohama, near Tokyo, August 16, 2009. REUTERS/ Toru Hanai

Below: A jogger runs past decorated trees on the South Bank in London August 17, 2009. REUTERS/Toby Melville

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Okay gentlemen, listen up. You’re all here because you were accepted at Fancypants University! Good old FU, the best school for waiters in all of Spain.

You look muy bueno in your festive outfits, with your tablecloths folded over your arms.

Now, in addition to proper order-taking, food presentation, wine-opening etc, we here at FU prepare you to entertain customers, as well.

What kind of entertainment, you ask?

Well, out that door there just behind the little-bitty guy in purple - no offense, Shrimpy - we have some farm animals. Chickens, sheep and oh yes, maybe a few pissed-off 2,000-pound steam-snorting bulls with big-ass pointed horns. Don’t worry, they’re harmless.

So let’s see, you three guys in front, head on outside and unfurl those flashy red tablecloths, and wave them at the bulls to get their attention, so we can get started.

By the way, Shrimpy, did you remember to fill out  your Next of Kin form? Oh, no special reason….

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Spanish bullfighter Miguel Angel Perera (C) waits for the start of a bullfight in Gijon August 13, 2009. REUTERS/Eloy Alonso

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Blog Guy, I collect photos of vintage Rolls-Royces in different places. You got any?

Sure. Here’s a butt-load of shots from Madonna’s current tour.

Hang on, I said DIFFERENT places!

They are. The one on the right is from yesterday, in Estonia. The others are from Austria, Brazil, Wales, England, the U.S.A…

No way!

Oh, and Mexico, France, Spain…

But…but…but…they all look the same! Why would anybody take the same photo from numerous concerts?

Look, I know it seems insane. But one of these evenings, I don’t know where, that Rolls isn’t gonna stop in time…

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Above: Singer Madonna performs on stage in Tallinn, Estonia, August 4, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

Left: Madonna and car during shows in Vienna, Sao Paulo, Cardiff, London, Los Angeles, Mexico City, Nice, Barcelona and Rio. REUTERS photos.

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Regular readers know how much I hate remakes of classic movies, but the worst thing is when they get it all wrong. After seeing this studio publicity shot from “The New Godfather,” I contacted the director to ask what the hell is going on.

“It is the famous scene where the man sleeps with the donkeys.”

No, no, no. The man sleeps with the fishes!

“But I am sure there is a donkey, too.”

Huh-uh. A guy wakes up with a horse head in his bed, but that’s a different scene.

“Maybe he sleeps with the seahorses?”

No, no seahorses. You really screwed up a great movie.

“But wait until you see my version of the iconic Clemenza line,  ‘Leave the gun. Take the canoe.’”

Sorry, that’s cannoli.

“Cannoli? Crap! And we spent so much time putting that canoe on top of the car!”

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Above left: Still from “The Godfather”

Above middle: Seahorse. REUTERS/Adrees Latif

Below left: An Egyptian boy plays next to a donkey in a canal which flows into the River Nile at Qalyoubia village north of Cairo, July 28, 2009. REUTERS/Amr Abdallah Dalsh

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Hey Blog Guy, whatever happened to the Three Stooges? Are they retired?

Not many people know this, but they moved to South Korea and ran for office, because we hadn’t yet started electing comedians to Congress here.

They’re in the Korean National Assembly now, wreaking typical havoc, as you can see in this studio publicity shot from “The Three Stooges, Seoul’d Out!”

Awesome! So what’s going on here?

I believe Moe just grabbed the microphone and shouted, “Mr. Kim has won the lottery! Is there a Mr. Kim here?”

Of course, hilarity ensues.

Wait just a minute! I thought it was the Marx Brothers who entered Korean politics!

Nope, they’re down in Honduras. Try to keep up.

Lawmakers beat the snot out of each other

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A lawmaker of the main opposition Democratic Party tries to block a vice speaker of the National Assembly from passing controversial bills as security guards and the ruling Grand National Party’s lawmakers block him at the National Assembly in Seoul, July 22, 2009. REUTERS/Choi Bu-Seok

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Blog Guy, what is that actress Pamela Anderson up to these days?

It’s a sad story. Judging from new photos of her, she’s lost all control of her face muscles. Still, the Serbs were nice enough to put her on the cover of their Playboy magazine.

Well, sure. Who looks at faces in Playboy, if you take my meaning? What does the magazine translate to in Serbian, anyway?

Strangely, it’s called Playboy.

Amazing! What are the chances of that?

Plus, it looks from the cover like the phrase Fight Club is also the same in Serbian.

That means I could actually go to Serbia, get in a taxi and say, “I am a Playboy, take me to the Fight Club,” and they would understand me!

Yeah, but then there you’d be, at a Fight Club in Serbia. What would you say then?

I’d say, “Isn’t it sad about Pamela Anderson’s face?”

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Actress Pamela Anderson poses for photographers with a Serbian issue of Playboy magazine featuring her on the cover, in Montenegrin coastal town of Budva, July 15, 2009. REUTERS/Stevo Vasiljevic

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