This is gonna be the hottest new series on TV, and we’ve got it! It’s called Segway Squad, about an elite force that fights crime using those Segway personal transporters. Is that cool, or what?

The squad is led by Pop, a hardened veteran who’s been riding Segways since the old days of  2001. He’s in charge of a bunch of  wisecracking young hotshots. When a crime is in progress they streak there at the lightning speed of 10 miles per hour, and we zoom along with them, bumping over curbs and scattering pedestrians.

Their Segways are customized - bullet-proof handlebars, built-in flame-throwers, so the marketing toy tie-ins are enormous.

In the pilot episode, they race after a gang of bank robbers who ride tractors; meanwhile, Pop resists having a brassy young blonde chick join the squad, but it turns out…

Related: Laws of Physics 101…

Paramilitary policemen on assault vehicles take part in an anti-terrorism drill in Jinan, China, July 2, 2008. REUTERS/Stringer

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Blog Guy, I have a pop music question. Are the Village People still together? I always liked them. Macho, macho man, I want to be a macho man…

Funny you should ask. I ran across a photo of them preforming in Europe, just yesterday. Looks like they’ve dropped the Native American and the biker, and added a few more police, but they still put on a good show.

A Polish worker takes part in a protest against pressure from the bloc to slash output at the struggling Gdansk shipyard, during a rally outside the European Commission headquarters in Brussels, June 25, 2008. REUTERS/ Yves Herman

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It may just be a cultural nuance, but our actual caption says this guy is performing at a festival in Sweden.

That seems an odd verb to use, because to me it just looks like he’s lighting a cigarette. That isn’t much of a performance. You can see that outside any office building.

I’m not saying this dude isn’t really good at it. Heck, he even has spare cigarettes in his hatband, so he must “perform” a lot. I’m just saying if Swedish fans are entertained by this, we have a lot of smokers we can send over for the next festival. I mean, if they’re still alive.

Related: Is this a runway, or Tobacco Road?

Pete Doherty of the Babyshambles performs at the Hultsfred festival in Sweden June 12, 2008. REUTERS/ Jessica Gow/ Scanpix

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Okay Hef, we get it. You can always scrounge up these three chicks to bring to big events, like this Hollywood thing yesterday.

Indeed, as you can see from the combo shot below going back three years, it’s the same smiles, just different dresses. They show up everywhere, sort of like on Bonanza if Pa Cartwright had daughters instead of sons. When I see these photos, I always have the same questions:

If you get invited to a big event, isn’t it kind of tacky to say “I’d like to bring THREE guests?” And how do they all fit in the same taxi? Does Hef have to sit in front with the driver? When they go to church do they like take up an entire pew? You know, I wonder stuff like that, just like every other guy.

Related: Who says the 1950s are over?

(above) Hugh Hefner (2nd L) poses with Bridget Marquardt (L), Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson (R) as they arrive at the taping of the American Film Institute’s 36th Life Achievement Award gala honoring Warren Beatty in Hollywood, June 12, 2008. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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A phobic fear of dirt and filth is not something you expect to find in a pig.

Something like that could certainly hamper a pig’s lifestyle, what with all the mud-wallowing and slopping and troughing that are expected of you. Unless maybe…

Unless your personality disorder gets you your own pair of Wellington boots so you can stay clean, which makes people think you’re adorable and attracts attention. And that gives your owners the idea to keep you around as a mascot,  instead of using you for that other thing they do, at their sausage company.

If you want to know what really seems to be going on here, read a beloved children’s book called “Charlotte’s Web.” And then think about a real piglet named Cinders, her unlikely problem, and just maybe a pretty talented friend.

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Hey, Blog Guy, I read that President Bush was going to meet with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. Does he live in a grand home like the White House?

Well, I’m looking at this news photo showing security for the meeting, and I gather Berlusconi  lives in a well-guarded video store. The Italians love their films - spaghetti westerns, Federico Fellini  - so they must think this is a great residence. Note the cops have “carabinieri” on their shields, which I believe is the Italian word for “rewind.”

Hmm. I think this may be more of your moronic misinformation. How many hours will they be meeting?

8 1/2

Stop it! Will Berlusconi be asking for anything from Bush?

Sure. A Fistfull of Dollars.

Sigh. I don’t know why I keep coming back to this blog…

Italian carabinieri police guard a video shop during a protest march against the visit of U.S. President George W. Bush in Rome June 11, 2008. REUTERS/ Chris Helgren

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Jack Nicholson reprises his role as Colonel Nathan R. Jessep in the highly anticipated revival of the play A Few Good Men.

The play is set to open on Broadway in… Oops, sorry, this is sort of embarrassing. It turns out Nicholson isn’t seen here performing the tense, explosive courtroom scene, he’s just attending a Lakers game last night.

And by the way, our photo caption says he’s “cheering” in the picture. Yikes. If that’s true, it’s probably just as well that he chose a career in acting rather than becoming a cheerleader.

More about cheerleaders: Hello, I am looking for bombers…

Actor Jack Nicholson cheers as the Los Angeles Lakers play the Boston Celtics in Los Angeles, June 10, 2008.  REUTERS/Jeff Haynes

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Blog Guy,

I’ve read that the most common recurring dream is that one where sitcom stars from years ago are flying off, waving good-bye to Earth. I have that one almost every night, and it’s always Gary Coleman - you know, from Diff’rent Strokes. I wake up with the cold sweats. What about you?

Sure, I have that dream, just like everybody else. But in my version, it’s always the kid from “Leave it to Beaver.” He’s waving at me, and he looks so peaceful.

Bye, Beav! Fare thee well! Now you’re safe from Eddie Haskell, safe from Lumpy Rutherford…

That’s awesome! Hey, I’ll show you a brain scan of my dream if you’ll show me one of yours.

It’s a done deal. I’ll even put them in my blog.

More dream brainscan images in a slideshow

Actor Gary Coleman is lifted by wires over the audience during taping of TV Land Awards in Santa Monica, June 8, 2008.

Actor Jerry Mathers, who starred in “Leave It To Beaver,” is lifted over the audience during the taping.

           REUTERS photos by Fred Prouser

Blog Guy, I know you’re a sports nut. I guess you’ll be glued to the television for the big race?

You bet! I wouldn’t miss it.

Think Big Brown will pull it off?

Ah. So you’re talking about the Belmont in Elmont? I thought you meant the Lithuanian baby races, which I get on my satellite dish. My money is on Banga Sakalauske. I know a guy who knows her personal trainer, and…never mind, I’ve said too much already.

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Blog Guy,

Please settle a bet I have with my sister. Can the Pope fly? I say no, but Sis is sure she remembers something about that.

Well, no, not exactly, although his attire is quite aerodynamic. Sometimes it takes on a life of its own, as these pictures show. But I think your sister is confusing the Pope with Sally Field’s character in The Flying Nun, which went off the air, so to speak, some time ago.

Related, sort of: Your Holiness! We’re MELTING!

TV publicity photo

Pope: REUTERS/ Giampiero Sposito

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