Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Well, if that’s not a miracle!

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Blog Guy, this is the season of all the major award ceremonies. They all kind of blend together, except I must say I’ve read amazing things about the National Television Awards, in London.

BRITAINThey’re all true. The event well deserves its nickname, “The Miracle Awards.”

Wow. Very inspiring! Give me an example.

Well, look at this miracle shot of singer Alesha Dixon, handing away her crutch on the red carpet.

Ah, I see. You’re saying she needed to walk with a crutch until she got to the magical carpet, and then suddenly she could walk on her own?

Ve haff vays to make you talk!

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torture miss america 490

Okay Blog Guy, tell us the location of the troops…

No way! You’ll NEVER make me betray my country!

Oh, so you’re a tough guy, huh? Suppose we cram brussel sprouts down your throat and make you watch “Jersey Shore?”

torture accordion this 320It won’t work. I won’t sell out my friends. There’s nothing you can do!

Earn a hundred million dollars at home

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Johnson, get your butt into my office! You call yourself a news photographer?

What did I do wrong now, Boss?

I sent you out to take a picture of a hundred million-dollar Gaugin painting and there’s a woman in the shot!

gaugin 340She’s my girlfriend. She likes to be in news photos, and let’s face it. Without her, it’s just a bunch of dead flowers.

Dracula down for the Count?

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Blog Guy, please help settle a bet with my step-mother’s tattooist.

dracula poster 220Your step-mother has her own… oh, never mind, go ahead.

Could Count Dracula still be alive today?

No. These days, when there are countless cameras everywhere, somebody would have spotted  him.

You can’t hide that slick, sculpted black hair, that widow’s peak and swarthy visage. Trust me, we’d know about him.

A great year to be alive, or at least undead

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Blog Guy, is it just me, or did you write a lot more about zombies this year than you have in the past?

zombie combo 340You bet I did. If you have to be a lurching, undead brain-eater, 2010 was a good year for it.

Think you could kill her for a little less?

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This is just pathetic. You may have seen the story about a former TV chef who pleaded no contest to trying to have his wife killed, and was sentenced to nine years in prison.

calorie commando 260Thankfully his wife wasn’t harmed, but here’s the disgusting thing. Did this guy try to find an experienced, professional hitman like a decent husband would do?

Opening a CAN of whoopass…

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Dear People Who Decide Film Awards:

I read that you’re giving a career tribute to that actor James Caan, at the Marrakesh Film Festival. What were you thinking?

MOROCCOI have nothing against the actor personally. I even saw those “Godfather” movies, but lost interest after Apollo Creed dropped out.

Happy Eva Mendes Day to all!

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Blog Guy, you’re not forgetting what day this is, right? Does December 5 ring a bell?

Of course. On this date back in 1957, Sukarno expelled all the Dutch people from Indonesia.

Regurgitating a TV plot for you…

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Blog Guy, I was a HUGE fan of the hit television series “24.” You know, where Kiefer Sutherland played Jack Bauer, a super-macho counter-terrorism agent. Each season, 24 new episodes covered a full day with gripping real-time action.

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Anyway, I thought it ended with season eight, last May, but I just saw something today  about Sutherland promoting a so-called “final season” over in Japan. Naturally, I’m very curious.

It’s me! The guy wishing you well!

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Lamar, we need to talk. You seem to be gone a lot lately. You took that temp job as an archbishop

quaid well wishers 300That’s over, Boss. They don’t pay their archbishops as much as I expected.