Oddly Enough Blog

When party smalltalk gets out of control

Blog Guy, I have a very specific fashion need and I hope you can help with it.

I go to a lot of very fancy affairs, but I have a tendency to say nasty things, and then other guests throw punches at me. What can I wear to protect myself at the holiday parties coming up?

Excuse me. Back up just a minute. You become SO offensive that upscale guests at festive Christmas parties want to punch you out? Is that what you’re saying?

Yes. I’ve never understood why they’re so sensitive, you stupid dumbass.

I think I’m starting to understand. Well, this season you’re in luck. Obnoxious women by the thousands have been flocking to a designer who makes this chic protective helmet called the “Holiday Punch Bowl.”

As you can see in these pictures, the headgear is stylish and alluring.

A post-Thanksgiving image booster

Blog Guy, I’m afraid I really pigged out yesterday at Thanksgiving, but I understand a few extra pounds are considered attractive these days.

Can you please find recent photos of some of the beautiful people who have let themselves go, so your readers can feel better about themselves after Turkey Day?

You betcha. Here at the top is a shot of Spain’s crown princess this week, and you can see her extra weight doesn’t seem to be slowing her down any.

Are you crazy, Blog Guy? She looks like a skeleton! They should be force-feeding her this very minute! Go back to your photo file and look again, and this time find a voluptuous, zaftig fashion model. Let’s see some curves!

Okay, here you go, a model from a recent Fashion Week in Madrid. Look at those gams, va-va-va-voom!

OMG! Put her in a wheelchair before her legs snap! I don’t… Oh, wait. I get it, Blog Guy. You’re a genius!

The worst fashions? Manure couture…

Blog Guy, I mainly come here for your coverage of really bad fashion. You do show us ALL the worst creations, right?

Of course I do. Except the stuff I need to protect my readers from, of course. But everything else gets…

Wait a second, Blog Guy. Nobody asked you to protect us.

We can take it, no matter how bad it is. We DEMAND to see the worst runway designs this year, and we want to see them now!

But I don’t think…

Don’t make me go to your boss, Blog Guy.

Think she’ll notice if we take her purse?

Lamar, where did you get the models for today’s fashion show?

From my psychiatrist. They’re all in therapy for various things, so they’re happy to have the work.

Therapy? Is it safe to have them here?

Oh sure, Boss, most of the ones with violent tendencies turned down the gig. My shrink says one of these chicks is being treated for narcolepsy.

You mean the excessive urge to sleep at inappropriate times, such as while at work, huh? I bet I can spot that one.

Lamar, the rest of the models aren’t even stopping to help her.

The Runway’s Got Talent!

It’s the same old story, Lamar. We’ve got a major fashion show today, but we can’t afford to pay professional models. You always manage to come through with models on the cheap. Any luck?

Don’t worry, Boss, I got us a good group today, and they’re free.

FREE? Huzzah! But how did you work that?

Oh. Well, they’re under the impression we’re having a reality TV talent show, so they each get to do a little “act” on the runway.

What? What the hell kind of “acts” do they do while modeling our designs, Lamar?

Uh, Tiffany will break out in a little tap dance. It’s very impressive to see in her stiletto heels, Boss.

We’ll always, always, always have Paris…

Blog Guy, it’s been TWO WEEKS since you’ve shown us fresh pictures of Paris Hilton! Are there no cameras left for her to stand in front of? Is something wrong? Should we prepare for bad news?

Calm down, she’s still posing. Here she is at the opening of a shopping center this week, in Poland.

Excuse me? She’s at that level now, going to Polish strip mall openings? What’s that about?

As I understand it, she was supposed to cut the ribbon on the new meat department at a Piggly Wiggly down in Baton Rouge, but that fell through, so she needed something to do.

Ah, that makes sense. I notice in her arrival shot she doesn’t even have an elevator to ride. Is this her choice?

Yes, she prefers to arrive this way. Her contract has an escalator clause…

Well, look who’s behind bars!

Blog Guy, I know you cover all the big fashion shows, and my sister-in-law’s ventriloquist told me there were some HUGE celebs at Lisbon Fashion Week this year. Can you give us some names?

I can do much better than that, I can show you pictures. Here is you-know-who, above, making a very rare public appearance…

Wait a minute, Blog Guy. You’ve put one of those rectangular censorship bars over her face, so I’m not quite sure who that is.

No, that’s not my style. My readers know that I always use the salmon-colored censorship bars, as you can see here on the right. I’m afraid that black bar is an actual accessory.

So she’s really wearing that?

Of course! She wore it just in case nobody recognizes her anymore. The very, very famous often do that in public, to draw attention to themselves so they can complain about not having privacy.

Get a grip, models!

Lamar, we’ve got another expensive fashion show to put on today, and our label is in the toilet. Have you found any more ways to save money? We just can’t afford a first class runway production.

Relax, Boss, I’m saving us a fortune.

Bless you, Lamar! How did you do it this time?

By not renting backstage dressing rooms for the models. You can’t imagine how much that saves!

Are they okay with that?

Well, they were a little concerned about their personal belongings, what with no lockers for storing their suitcases.

Sizzling hot fashions from a cold planet

Blog Guy, I have a complaint.

Like many of your readers, I mostly come here for news about fashion on the planet Neptune, but you haven’t had any since last February. Back then, you said fashion photos from the Hubble Telescope showed krunkwads were getting longer for the next season.

Now, what news on the Rialto?

Wait a minute, Ace. That Rialto thing is just a line from “The Merchant of Venice.”

So I don’t write all my own stuff. Big deal. I still need the latest fashion news from Neptune.

Where in the world is Paris Hilton?

Blog Guy, I’m worried sick! It’s been four days since we left Paris Hilton promoting her shoes in Istanbul, and we’ve heard nothing from her. I’m going to start checking the hospitals.

I’m sorry, I should have told your earlier. She’s fine, she’s just in India now, promoting her new line of handbags and accessories. Here she is, above, at a news conference.

Whew! That’s quite a relief. What with her being one of the 10 most hated people in America, I fear for her safety.

I guess maybe she’s going overseas a lot these days so folks in other countries can learn to feel the same about her.

Does she seem okay to you? Did she do all her poses? The vacuous smile, the peace sign, the peering over her sunglasses?

She sure did.