Good morning, Mr. Johnson! Thank you for choosing to fly with us to Milwaukee today, with stops in Knoxville and Fargo.

May I see some photo ID, Mr. Johnson? Hmmm. Well, I guess that’s close enough.

Did you pack all your own luggage today, Mr. Johnson? Did anyone give you anything suspicious? Nope? Great!

Okey-dokey. I’m gonna give you an aisle seat because this is a small plane, and well, other passengers might beat you to death in a window seat.

What line of work are you in? Selling homemade lunch meat door-to-door, huh? Well, folks are always gonna need lunchmeat, right?

Here’s your boarding pass, and you have a good one! Is that Mrs. Johnson I see coming this way? Oh, just call it a hunch….

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Left: A model displays a creation by designer Ekaterina Krivosheina during an international avantgarde fashion contest at the University of Technology and Design in St. Petersburg, Russia, November 5, 2009.

Right: A model displays a creation by designer Elena Sukhodoeva during the St. Petersburg show.

REUTERS photos by Alexander Demianchuk

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We have some photos of President Barack Obama speaking at a middle school, where a member of the audience has the word OBAMA shaved in his hair.

Presidential haircuts are a time-honored tradition in this country, and today’s students don’t know how lucky they are to deal with a five-letter name.

Why, in my day, I didn’t think my hair would ever grow back from my John Fitzgerald Kennedy cut, which I unfortunately got a week before the assassination.

And don’t even get my grampa started on his President Franklin Delano Roosevelt haircut. Suffice it to say the last three letters actually had to be carved into his cheek, and never went away.

And speakin’ of the old days, did I ever tell you kids about the time….

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A student with an “Obama” haircut at Wright Middle School in Madison, Wisconsin, listens to U.S. President Barack Obama speak as he visits the area, November 4, 2009.   REUTERS/ Larry Downing

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Gather around, fashion show staff, I’ve found a new way to cut costs for the big show. It may be even better than our earlier measures, like using dead models, hiring dog groomers as stylists and raccoons to do makeup…

Now keep an open mind. You all remember that tragedy last year when they held a fashion show in a steam pipe factory, and there was an explosion, and the models ended up with big sections of pipe through their heads?

Well, those plucky gals want to return to modeling, but… How shall I put this? They’re not quite as attractive as models who DON’T have plumbing materials piercing their skulls.

These chicks will work for free, just to get back on the runway, so if we can just design outfits around them we’ll save a fortune!

Lonnie, check into getting the dressing room doors widened a bit for us, okay? Let’s give these poor girls another chance!

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Models present creations by Kazakhstan’s Kenje design house during Kazakhstan Fashion Week in Almaty, October 30, 2009. REUTERS/Shamil Zhumatov

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Blog Guy, I really need some dating advice. I’m an attractive young woman but I’m very shy, and when I meet a new man for the first time I just don’t know what to say. Help!

This is a very common problem. Some women find it useful to be holding something in their hand when they first meet a new guy, to help get the conversation started.

You know, something the guy will have to comment on. Do you have anything like that?

Yes! I love my picture of Lenin!

Okay, yes I guess a wallet-size photo of a former Beatle could be a conversation starter.

No, not Lennon! This is Vladimir Lenin. The Communist guy. It is a very nice portrait. I bet you’re right, any young man would admire it!

That’s not exactly what I had in mind. Now, you take this photo on the left, of a fashion model holding something…

I see. And you think that would help me start conversations with men?

Yes. Trust me, even if they are recently deceased.

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Above: A model holds a portrait of Vladimir Lenin, founder of the Soviet state, while presenting a creation by Kazakhstan designer Saltanat Baymukhamedova during Kazakhstan Fashion Week in Almaty, October 31, 2009.

Below: A model presents a creation by Baymukhamedova in Almaty, October 30, 2009.

REUTERS/photos by Shamil Zhumatov

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Looking back at my blog’s traffic statistics for October, it was an interesting month.

The five most popular items were divided between guns and freakish fashion.

That’s useful in identifying my demographic, as well as in giving me a good reason to move to Yemen and change my phone number.

For those of you who wager on this information, here you go. And I was happy to see my own favorite make it to Number Four.

Thanks for coming back, and remember, if there are people who really irritate the hell out of you, share this blog with them.

5. Bad practical jokes on guys with guns…

4. A fashion taboo bites the dust…

3. NONE of you brought bullets?

2. Nobody wants to see exposed fashion models!

And the most popular item for October was…

1. Pamela Anderson and her little dress child…

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Actress Pamela Anderson poses at the 6th Annual Hollywood Style awards in Los Angeles, October 11, 2009. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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Boss, those models are back complaining again.

Boy, it’s always something with them. What is it this time?

They haven’t eaten since 2006. Look at that one on the runway, with the spindly legs and her pelvis protruding through her skin…

I don’t see anybody. Oh, wait, I do see a white bag and a headscarf. Look, if they want to be fashion models, they need to weigh less than 40 pounds. Them’s the rules.

Yeah I know, Boss, but they’re still afraid of the birds.

The birds?

You know, the birds that live in the rafters and swoop down on the runway to carry off size zero models and eat them.

Oh, whine, whine, whine! Okay, hire some damned bird-shooting snipers for the next show, but tell them to try not to hit so many people in the audience this time!

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Above: A model presents a creation from Indian designer Sanchita’s Spring/Summer 2010 collection at the Wills Lifestyle India Fashion Week in New Delhi October 26, 2009. REUTERS/Vijay Mathur

Right: Models display outfits from designer Nicolas Vaudelet’s Spring/Summer 2010 collection during Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week in Madrid September 22, 2009. REUTERS/ Susana Vera

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Okay cheerleaders, I think we can learn something from the fashion industry.

As many of you know, some design houses have started using dog groomers to style hair for their fashion shows, trying to cut costs in these difficult times.

So now we’re trying the same thing to get our cheerleaders ready to perform.

But we’re going to push the envelope a bit here. Not only will we be trying some nice doggie hairdos - see the upper left combo - but we’re also asking our groomers to get ideas wherever they can from nature.

Girls, line up for your turn with the stylist. Lamar, back that tanker truck of hair spray into the stadium, and hook up the big hose. This is gonna be like Pompeii!

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Upper combo: Tampa Bay Buccaneers cheerleader performs at NFL football game between the Buccaneers and New England Patriots at Wembley Stadium in London, October 25, 2009. REUTERS/Dylan Martinez

Briard, American Kennel Club photo.

Lower combo: Tampa Bay cheerleaders perform at Wembley Stadium in London, October 25, 2009. REUTERS/Eddie Keogh

A squirrel eats a nut at Hellabrunn Zoo in Munich, October 27, 2009. REUTERS/ Michaela Rehle

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Okay fashion show staff, we’re bleeding cash here!

Our big cost-saving idea of hiring dog groomers to do our models’ hair helped a lot, but look at what we’re spending on lipstick! We can’t keep buying makeup this way!

What? Yes Judy, I guess you COULD say the lipstick problem has us “going down the tubes,” if you want to be really lame about it…

We have GOT to figure out something else to decorate the models’ lips, something we already have on hand. Think, think…

I’ve got it! Lamar, you remember when be bought 40,000 of those little Hitler mustaches, because we thought they were going to be the next big fashion thing, but then they weren’t?

Go root around in the closet and bring me some of them. I think I’ve just had a brilliant idea!

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Models present creations by Ukrainian designer Mavka Khome during Ukrainian Fashion Week in Kiev October 20, 2009.  REUTERS/Konstantin Chernichkin

Wax figure of Adolf Hitler in 2004 file photo. REUTERS

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Blog Guy, I’ve heard a very disturbing rumor about you. Please say it isn’t true.

It’s a complete lie! What is it, anyway?

That after a couple of years of blogging about stuff you dislike, you’re finally making your move.

Oh, that. Yeah, we’re starting out slow. The Odd Blog police are rounding up some bad clowns and some bad fashion designers. The photos must have gotten out.

My God! Oh, the humanity! Where do you go from here?

Figure it out. It’s all there if you go back through my old postings. Soon they’ll be picking up brussels sprout farmers, gyrocopter pilots, folks who put clothes on dogs, Barry Manilow…

But where will you even put all those people while they await trial?

Not a problem. I expect to have plenty of empty bullfighting rings to lock them up in….

You’re a madman! The people will rebel! They will resist you!

Not after they see now nice life is without brussels sprouts and bullfighters, they won’t.

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Above: Policemen stand guard near two of four detained men covered in hoods at the Sindh High Court Karachi, Pakistan, October 20, 2009. REUTERS/Akhtar Soomro

Below: A British police officer ushers away a demonstrator dressed as a clown after a climate change protest at Ratcliffe Power Station at Ratcliffe-on-Soar, central England, October 18, 2009. REUTERS/Darren Staples

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Quick quiz: This photo shows…

a) The risk of letting tall people browse in light fixture shops

b) What happens when a dimwitted assistant is told to create a “bandolier.”

c) A woman who has begun the controversial medical procedure to turn herself into a 1991 Cadillac Fleetwood

d) A scene from the world’s cheesiest “Phantom of the Opera” production

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A model presents a creation from Mexican designer Alberto Rodriguez’s spring/summer 2010 collection during a fashion show in Mexico City October 19, 2009. REUTERS/Eliana Aponte

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