Memo to staff: This seemed like a great idea, designing a dress that evokes the iconic image of screen goddess Marilyn Monroe with her skirt blowing up in a sudden gust from a subway grate.  

But I have to say our version lacks the whimsical  sensuality of the original. It turns out, artificially holding the skirt up with heavy starch and coathangers looks less like a great moment in movies, and more like a big sailor hat.

What if we sew in a push-button electric fan gadget to blow the skirt up at random now and then? Who’s with me on this? But make sure the models sign that personal injury waiver…

(movie poster, The Seven-Year Itch)

A model poses during a fashion show by students of National Institute of Fashion Technology in Hyderabad, India,  May 2, 2008. REUTERS/Krishnendu Halder

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Blog Guy, you give great career advice. I want to enter the glamorous and exciting field of fashion photography.

I understand that there must be quite a lot to learn before I could actually produce pictures that do justice to the creations of the designers. Do you know how much training is required?

Um, maybe not quite as much as you think. Here are a couple of actual photos I got from our Australian Fashion Week file over the past couple of days. Let’s just say if the fashion industry has problems with knock-off pirates stealing their designs, well, they’re certainly not copying them from these photos…

Much more advice on careers

Above, a creation by Friedrich Gray. Below, a creation by Honey Hartley house design show. Australian Fashion Week, REUTERS photos by Daniel Munoz.

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Blog Guy, I have a question about the Beijing Olympics, which I believe are being held in Peking.  How will they control the number of athletes? Is there some qualifying event to make sure millions of them don’t all show up in China?

Are you kidding? That would be WAY too complicated! No, each country just controls the size of their teams by making the athletes wear really goofy-looking costumes to the opening ceremony.

The French guys have silly hats and jackets that say FRANCE on the pockets. Don’t even get me started on what the French chicks are wearing. The Canadians have maple leaf pajamas, and so on.

Believe me, when self-respecting athletes get a load of those designs, there will NOT be a problem with too many of them showing up in Beijing!

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(above) Clothing Canadian athletes will wear at the Beijing 2008 Olympics is seen in Toronto, April 30, 2008. REUTERS/Mike Cassese

(below) Models present the official outfits French athletes will wear at the Opening ceremony. Paris, April 29, 2008.  REUTERS/Charles Platiau

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Welcome to the finals of the National Science Project Hat Design competition, here at the Tropicana Club. You young ladies should be very proud!

Third place, on the left, goes to Jill’s intricate double helix DNA model! Second place, in the middle, is Kate’s model of our entire solar system, including that little thingy that isn’t even a planet anymore. Congratulations!

And FIRST PLACE, over on the right, goes to… LUCY! Is that you? Wearing the chandelier from the lobby? You can’t be in the show! Lucy, you got some ’splainin’ to do! Ai yai yai yai yai!

Lost Lucy episode: Ethel’s Funeral

Models present creations by designer Dorian Ho at Fashion Week in Sydney, April 30, 2008. REUTERS/Tim Wimborne

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Memo to fashion show staff: Well, we still need to slash spending for these shows. We’ve used dead models, but it turned out they don’t last long in the bright lights. We hired raccoons to do makeup, but who knew they’d have rabies?

Today, we’re going to be using life-like puppets instead of live models. Freddy SWEARS they look totally real, and nobody will catch on what we’re doing. If there is the slightest hint, we’ll be the laughingstock of Paris and our respected brand will be ruined forever…

There’s the music! Freddy, pull the strings on the first one. I’m SO nervous!

Lots more about models

A model presents an official outfit French athletes will wear at the 2008 Beijing Olympics Games, in Paris April 29, 2008. REUTERS/ Charles Platiau

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Blog Guy, I get around, you get around… I’m hearing rumors that two very famous people may actually be the same person. I can say no more.

You don’t have to. Recent photos of a certain huge name in music and a certain huge name in fashion are most   intriguing. I must say I’ve never seen these two people together. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

Let’s keep this to ourselves for now. Don’t worry about my readers, they’re cool.

Related post: Never the Twains shall meet?

Designer Donatella Versace at a party in Washington, April 26, 2008. REUTERS/Mike Theiler 

Mick Jagger in Serbia,  2007. REUTERS/Ivan Milutinovic

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“Oh cripes, Charlene, it’s him again! We call him Toilet Paper Guy. Don’t let him see us! He comes to this bar every Friday, wearing that outfit made of toilet tissue and paper towels. That’s what I’m looking for, a man that can’t afford fabric!

“His pickup lines are the worst! He calls himself the ‘quicker picker-upper,’ you know, from those ads. Last week he asked if I wanted to squeeze the Charmin. I was like, ‘No way, dork!’

“You know that tall redhead from sales? She left with him once, but they were walking to the car and it started pouring down rain. Well, like I don’t have to tell you what happened then…”

Toilet fashon slideshow and related post: “I do! Now may I tissue?”

A model displays a creation made of toilet paper and paper towels during a fashion show organized by a paper company in Lima, April 24, 2008. REUTERS/Enrique Castro-Mendivil

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Memo to Fashion Show Staff: We need to pay attention to every detail  of  these shows, and frankly, I’m worried about our swimsuit presentation.

The guests are here for entertainment. What are we giving them? Nothing but some drop-dead gorgeous blond models in skimpy bikinis. We just haven’t thought this through!

Work with me on this. What if we get a bunch of water sprinkling cans, and paint them with nice little flowers, and have the models carry them! So, people can have a quick look at the swimsuits, and then focus on the cans, and they won’t get bored! Who’s with me on this?

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A model presents a swimsuit during a fashion show in Budapest April 17, 2008. REUTERS/Karoly Arvai

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Blog Guy, I recall that back in March, your most popular post was about a proposal to use cadavers instead of live models at fashion shows, to save money for the designers. Now I wonder if it ever took off. I bet this was just a trial balloon that never turned into anything real.

Well, you might have a look at this actual photo from a New York City fashion show last week. Does this LOOK like a healthy model? I’m only wondering how bad it has to get before we mention something about it in the caption.

Related post: I wouldn’t be caught dead in that dress!

A model presents a creation from the wedding gown fashion line of JL Couture by designer Jenny Lee in New York April 12, 2008. REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson

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This photo from Afghanistan stopped me cold. Is the guy in the white cap wearing a Burberry scarf? Have they opened a little shop in downtown Kabul to compete with Louis Vuitton and others?

Okay, another possibility. Say the scarf is counterfeit, an occasional problem with this distinctive plaid. This still means designer stuff has made it to Afghanistan!

So, if he is ever captured, Osama bin Laden may be wearing the double breasted belted trench coat with epaulettes and, ironically, what Burberry calls a “gunflap.” He may be sporting their $240 cargo shorts, and a slathering of Burberry men’s aftershave, described as a “refined and elegant woody ambery fragrance…”  It makes you think.

More Burberry news: Smuggling melons in a stocking cap?

Afghans travel in a bus as it rains in Kabul April 9, 2008. REUTERS/Ahmad Masood

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