Quick quiz: This photo shows…

a) The risk of letting tall people browse in light fixture shops

b) What happens when a dimwitted assistant is told to create a “bandolier.”

c) A woman who has begun the controversial medical procedure to turn herself into a 1991 Cadillac Fleetwood

d) A scene from the world’s cheesiest “Phantom of the Opera” production

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A model presents a creation from Mexican designer Alberto Rodriguez’s spring/summer 2010 collection during a fashion show in Mexico City October 19, 2009. REUTERS/Eliana Aponte

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Blog Guy, I’m planning my wedding, and I need your advice. My four bridesmaids are very pretty, and I don’t want them to outshine me at my own event.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you seem like kind of a bitch.

Hey, thanks! So how can I make sure I’m the brightest star on my special day?

Oh, just do what every other bride does. Choose the most hideous outfits imaginable for your bridesmaids. They can’t stop you.

Check this combo shot, and pretend those are your four bridesmaids coming down the aisle, all skanked-up like the Queen of Uglytown…

I love it. It’s beyond HIDEOUS! Surely it doesn’t exist!

It’s real, and it was just presented at a genuine fashion show. I’m pretty sure it’s made from old car upholstery. Also note the shoes and a very special touch, a full shower curtain hanging from the hem and dragging on the floor.

THANK YOU SO MUCH! Years from now my friends and I will have such fun looking at the wedding photos!

You really are out of your mind, aren’t you, honey?

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A model presents a creation by Ukrainian designer Elena Burenina during Ukrainian Fashion Week in Kiev October 18, 2009. REUTERS/Konstantin Chernichkin

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Blog Guy, I’m curious about the psychology of fashion models. Do they just wear anything they’re given, or do they have strong personal feelings about the creations?

That is a very astute question. Usually, a model wears any piece of rancid garbage some nutjob designer wraps around her wispy body.

On the left here, you can see a couple of examples from yesterday.

One model doesn’t seem to mind having a black face with white spots, and a jacket with bat wings. Another seems fine with a blouse made from packing twine and coat hangers.

But models DO have feelings that accumulate, and may explode in what mental health experts call a “WTF moment.”

That’s interesting. What does it look like?

I think it looks like this.

In the middle of a Fashion Week runway, it looks to me like this model below suddenly got a mental image of herself, with what looks like bird crap smeared on her face and hair, looking down to see her breast fully exposed to every slobbering loser who could sneak into the show.

Notice her fiery eyes. I think she’s just reached her “WTF moment.”  Her hands are twitching, steam is about to shoot from her ears, and I bet she is trying to recall how many bullets are left in the .44 magnum she has in her purse backstage. The next five minutes are NOT likely to be pretty.

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Models present creations by Ukranian designers during Ukrainian Fashion Week in Kiev October 18, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Konstantin Chernichkin

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Blog Guy, you’re always making fun of fashion designers, acting like you think they are worthless, gangrenous canker sores on the buttocks of society.

Wait. You think I’m just acting?

You seem to be all talk and no action. Are you actually DOING anything to make things better?

In fact, yes. I’ve trained my dog as a fashion critic. I take her to the big shows, and she attacks the worst designs, but only when the situation is extreme.

So she doesn’t really LIKE attacking designs?

No. She’d much rather go after the designers.

How much can one dog do to improve things?

Maybe not much, but imagine dozens of trained fashion-critic dogs going wild at a spring/summer show in Paris. And dogs on the catwalk are only the first step.

I’m afraid to ask. What would be the next step?

In a perfect world? Dingos. Hyenas. Jackals. Wolverines…

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A dog chases a mock intruder during a function to celebrate the 25th Raising Day of the Indian National Security Guard in Manesar, south of New Delhi, October 16, 2009. REUTERS/Adnan Abidi

A model presents a creation by British designer John Galliano as part of his Spring/Summer 2010 women’s collection during Paris Fashion Week October 7, 2009. REUTERS/Jacky Naegelen 

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Dammit Johnson, now you’ve REALLY screwed up! It was bad enough a couple of weeks ago, when you let a small part of the German Chancellor’s face get in the way of a sky shot, but this one is even worse!

What now, Boss? You sent me out to shoot a profile of French fashion designer Pierre Cardin, and that’s what I did! Look, here are his hands!

Are you an idiot, Johnson? You should know that “profile” means just ONE hand!

But Boss, he had his hands tightly clasped! There was no way to get just one of them.

Sigh. I thought you knew some photographers’ tricks. That’s why you ALWAYS carry oranges in your camera bag.

You toss them to him suddenly, shout “Want oranges, Mr. Cardin?” and when he catches them, you shoot!

Wow, I should have known that one!

That also explains why so many of the great profile shots I studied on our new photo file show folks holding oranges and looking really surprised!

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Above: The hands of French fashion designer Pierre Cardin are seen during an interview with Reuters in Paris October 13, 2009. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

Right: Republican presidential nominee Senator John McCain (R-AZ) holds a bag of oranges he bought in Plant City, Florida, October 23, 2008. REUTERS/Brian Snyder

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Blog Guy, you know all the dark secrets of the designer fashion business, and it’s time to admit a fatal flaw.

I agree completely. Uh, which fatal flaw do you mean?

Oh please. There is a certain group in our society that is shunned. Due to petty prejudices, they are not allowed to create designs for the big fashion shows. You MUST know who I mean!

Ah yes, I guess you’re talking about the criminally insane. But you should know that some big shows are finally allowing this group to present their nutty outfits, under heavy medication of course.

For instance, look at the guy on the left. It’s as if Hannibal Lecter suddenly has his own designer label. More chianti and fava beans for the gentleman, please!

That’s awesome! So now that the criminally insane have been allowed to “come out” and participate, I guess we can expect future fashions to look a lot different, huh?

Nah, I expect them to be pretty much the same. Why do you ask?

Don’t be selfish. Send this post to someone you’d like to irritate!

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Top left: A model displays an outfit by designer Marta Montoto during the EGO of Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2010 show September 18, 2009. REUTERS/Susana Vera

Top middle: Model presents creation by Portuguese designer Vitor during Lisbon Fashion Week in Cascais, October 10, 2009. REUTERS Hugo Correia

Top right: A model presents a creation by Portuguese designer Dino Alves during Lisbon Fashion Week in Cascais October 11, 2009. REUTERS/Hugo Correia

Bottom right: A model presents a creation by Portuguese designer Lara Torres during the Lisbon Fashion Week in Cascais October 11, 2009.  Reuters/Hugo Correia

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Observant readers will note that actress Pamela Anderson seems to manage only a cruel sneer, one that reaches out and says, “Come here and I’ll kill you!”

I believe my blog was the first to report that Anderson’s face is doing weird things these days, but that isn’t what’s going on here.

If you look at some of the full-length shots from a Los Angeles awards show last night, you can see that the actress is simply wondering how she got talked into wearing a gown that…

a) doesn’t even seem to have been put on her correctly, and

b) is so grotesquely cumbersome that it requires a small, puzzled-looking child to hold portions of it at all times.

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Photo combo: Actress Pamela Anderson attends the Hollywood Style awards in Los Angeles, October 11, 2009.

Left: Anderson poses as Adelaide Gault holds a corner of her dress at the awards.

REUTERS photos by Mario Anzuoni

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Blog Guy, how do you decide what photos to use? I think you’re holding out on us. I bet there’s better stuff than just shots of people making goofy faces and fashion models with their hoo-hahs showing. How about letting us READERS decide?

No problem. I’ll just give you the titles of several of our photo essays from recent days, and you tell me which ones you want to see here. Just say when…

Well thanks, that sounds more than fair…

Here goes: “Swiss Air Force Performs,” “Honduras Coup: The Man and His Hat,” “Harvesting Grapes in Austria…” See anything yet?

Not yet…

Um, “Belgium’s King Albert II and Queen Paola at the Vatican,” “Eel Farming in Holland…”

Liar! There is NOT one about eel farming in Holland. That’s just your deranged sense of humor again!

Oh yeah? Check out this caption: The guts of eels lie in an eel smokery…

Stop! You win! Say, Blog Guy, you got any new shots of models in stupid-looking outfits?

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Above: Fisherman Aart van der Waal (R) drinks a cup of coffee with eel smoker Joost Kant in the southern Dutch village of S’Gravendeel September 30, 2009. When Van der Waal chose 20 years ago to fish for eel rather than join the legal profession, he didn’t expect to be told someday to make a choice between making a living and breaking the law. Fishing the muddy, shallow canals near his home for plump, fattened eels that the Dutch consider a delicacy smoked on toast or in bread - and which are eaten in stews across Europe - is no longer allowed during October and November.

Right: Vvan der Waal fixes a net at his home in the Southern Dutch Village of Numansdorp, September 28, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Jerry Lampen

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Okay fashion show staff, times are hard, and we need to save more money.

We tried using dead models, but it turns out they don’t last long in the bright lights. We hired raccoons to do makeup, but there was that rabies problem.

Now, we think we have the perfect solution to the high cost of hair stylists: dog groomers!

People, there is no downside here. Groomers can work with all kinds of hair, they have a good repertoire of styles and they know how to deal with temperamental personalities.

Best of all, they already have all their own combs and brushes!

Let me demonstrate how this is going to work - the first batch of models is already out of the tubs and ready for the runway, so let’s have a look.

Say, is it just me, or do the models seem to be scratching a lot today?

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Top left: Model presents creation by designer Alexander McQueen at Paris Fashion Week, October 6, 2009. REUTERS/ Benoit Tessier

Top right: Briard, American Kennel Club photo

Bottom left: Model presents creation by designer Marc Jacobs at Paris Fashion Week, October 7, 2009. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

Bottom right: Toy poodle in 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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Blog Guy, I enjoyed your item about the festering zombie skankfest. but you didn’t include the most important information. Where can I get ME some outfits like those?

A couple of them were Vivienne Westwood originals. I’ve featured lots of her piles of steaming manure - I mean fashions - here in my blog.

Where is her shop? Paris? Rome? New York?

She just opened a new one a couple of days ago in Beirut. That might be more convenient for you than, say, Kabul or Baghdad or Mogadishu. Just think of it as a shopping mall with better-armed security guards than most.

I guess if you wanna dress like a zombie, you shop where the zombies shop. How do I get to her place in Beirut?

It’s downtown. Probably best to jump on the subway. I think you take the Green Line.

The Beirut Green Line. Heh heh… I’ve been a great audience, haven’t I?

You betcha. I’ll be here all week.

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Top: Designer Vivienne Westwood (L) arrives with model during Paris Fashion Week, October 2, 2009. REUTERS/Jacky Naegelen

Left: Westwood is kissed by her husband Andreas Kronthaler before opening of her boutique in Beirut, October 8, 2009. REUTERS/Mohamed Azakir

Right: Palestinian Fatah faction supporters carry coffins of their comrades during mass funeral of Kamal Medhat and his bodyguards in Beirut, March 25, 2009. REUTERS/ Sharif Karim

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