Oddly Enough Blog

Scarlet women prowl the catwalk…

Lamar! Get your butt into my office!

What is it THIS time, Boss?

What is the deal with those models out there in today’s fashion show? Their faces are all bright red!

But Boss! Your memo said specifically you wanted redheads, so I replaced the lights in the dressing room mirrors with tanning lamps. I thought it worked out pretty well.

Lamar, you simpleton, I meant they should have red HAIR! If I had known you were this dense I would have worded it more carefully.

I hope there wasn’t anything else in the memo that you didn’t understand. As I recall, I also asked for some models with smoldering eyes…

Again with those goddesses from Neptune?

Blog Guy, I read something very strange recently, and I want to find out if it’s true. It was in a blog.

Then I’m guessing it is true. They monitor us bloggers pretty carefully for any sign that we’re deviating from what is factual.

Well, the blog I read said that 22 years ago a space ship crashed into a remote part of the Rocky Mountains. It carried a whole tribe of beautiful Neptunian goddesses, who began a new life here on Earth.

So far it sounds pretty reasonable to me. Go on.

It said they wear costumes made from polished gold tiles. They worship a queen who dresses in black with a cobalt blue cape, and they keep Earth men as their love slaves.

Really? You’ve had no professional training?

Lamar, I’m at the end of my rope. We have to find cheaper models for our fashion shows. We’ve tried zombies, dead people, puppets….

What we need is a group of women who will make their own outfits, do their own hair and makeup, and strut the runway, all for free.

Relax, Boss, I’ve found exactly what you just described.

Who are they, Lamar? Who are these amazing, generous fashion angels?

The criminally insane, Boss.

Excuse me?

And now, for you smarty-pants kids…

Okay, publishing staff, I’ll tell you why we called this meeting.

Children’s books aren’t selling as well as they used to. We need to retool them a bit for today’s more sophisticated kids, and for the the dads who do the bedtime reading.

You know, maybe even a tad risqué.

Now, Lamar has been brainstorming this, and he has some ideas for us. Lamar, fill us in….

Well Boss, Everybody likes the “Paddington Bear” books. He’s so cute, with that cute little raincoat and those big boots….

The story has gone as far as it can go in that direction. But what if Paddington has a trampy 21-year-old sister who’s kinda loose with the guys?

Welcome to our model town…

(to the tune of Petula Clark’s “Downtown“)

When you want lookers But you can’t afford hookers Here’s the place to go, Gown Town

You’ll be a hero ‘Cause they’re all a Size Zero If you find them in, Gown Town…

Lamar, come into my office…

Yeah, Boss?

We seem to have a REALLY beautiful crop of models for the fashion show today, and I don’t see anything wrong with them. Where did you find them?

Best of all, there’s nothing to tuck in

Hello Mr. Henderson, I’m Jimmy. I’m here to take your daughter out.

What? My outfit? It’s the latest thing. I bought it right off the floor at a major fashion show.

Yep, this beauty is part of the Fall/Winter collection. I suppose I should add a hat during the winter.

Oh please, Mr. Henderson, NOBODY wears shirts anymore! Don’t be so bourgeois!

See, without a shirt it’s much easier to reach these two shoulder holsters here. That’s a real plus when the police come after me.

Well, no, the holsters are empty right now because there’s some problem with my gun permit application. Who knew they’d go all the way back to my grade school records, anyhow?

No, of course I don’t mind waiting for Debby out on the porch, Mr. Henderson.

Models with low sylph-esteem?

Blog Guy, I need some of your famous career advice. I want to find a job.

What’s been holding you back, if I might ask?

Well, I’ve had a run of bad luck that left me pretty skinny. First, I fell asleep on the liposuction machine and it ran all night, and then I got a tapeworm….

Gosh. I suppose maybe you could…

I’m not finished with my sad story. Then I got lost in a cave for six weeks without any food. When I finally got out, I was rescued by a weight loss club.

Rescued by dieters? Ouch!

Curses! Here comes Big Red!

Blog Guy, I’m a young female who wants to become a super heroine, sort of like Wonder Woman. I know she was an Amazon. Any idea where she bought her costume?

I guess Amazon.com would be too obvious?

Oh. That makes sense. You’ve written about a place called Super-Chicks R Us. Are they still in business?

Yes, but they just had their annual clearance sale, and their best super identities are gone.

What’s left, then? I’m not picky.

Let’s look at their Website. They have “Skinny-Legged Woman.” She gets a cheesy purple dress and hairy-armed gloves.

Your eyelids are getting heavy, and it’s not just the makeup

Lamar, we’ve got another fashion show today and our finances are still in the toilet. Do you have any new ways to save money?

You bet I do, Boss. I’ve been hypnotizing the models backstage while I put on their makeup.

See, they’re out on the runway right now under hypnosis, and afterward they won’t remember they did anything, so we won’t have to pay them.

I don’t know about this, Lamar. Is it legal?

It’s a gray area, Boss. Check it out. “Tiffany, watch the makeup brush go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth…

But Lamar, the hypnotized girls look very much like the zombies we used to use, so why don’t we just get them again?

You ever try flossing, Catherine?

“Michael, hold still so I can see myself in your fancy sunglasses. Do I have something between my teeth? I can feel it…”

“Ewwwww, Catherine! I told you not to have that spinach quiche for breakfast! Cripes! There’s a huge chunk of green stuff hanging out of your mouth!”

“Shut up! Is this it? Did I get it all?”

“Yeah, you got most of it. Looks like there’s also some gristle wedged in there from that steak you had last night.”

“You got a lot of room to talk, Michael. Get a load of that dandruff all over your sweater. You ever think about using shampoo?”

“Say, are you as turned on as I am right now, Catherine?”