Blog Guy, I’m looking to hire an entertainer for my daughter’s fourth birthday party. Can you recommend somebody who makes balloon animals? I want the very best.

Sure. I’d go for this guy in China. Look how good he is.

What the hell is he making there?

Uh, I think that’s his famous Yellow Earthworm with Green Scales.”

Blog Guy, you’re a dolt. That man is a chef. He’s cutting cucumbers with a sharp cleaver on a balloon, to show his technique.

Whatever. So are you going to hire him for the party?

You’re deranged, Blog Guy. Why would I bring a man with a razor-sharp cleaver to a party for small children?

Well, it’s my understanding the Birthday Girl gets to eat the cucumbers.

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A chef cuts a cucumber on a balloon to show his skills during a cooking competition in Hefei, Anhui province November 20, 2009. REUTERS/Jianan Yu

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Well fashion fans, it won’t be long now. It’s the evening of the big Victoria’s Secret annual holiday fashion show. I mean, most of YOU won’t see it today, because it won’t be aired for a couple of weeks, but we’ll have lots of still photos for you and if you flip through them real fast, it’s just like being there.

Meanwhile, the models have to finish getting prepared for the show.

Here, one of them is seen loading up on the six and a half calories she gets every day. I can’t quite tell what this slop is, but it’s not fried onion rings and doughnuts, I’ll tell you that.

If you look at the bottom edge of her plate, it looks as though she has scooted some kind of bean away from the rest of the food. No telling what kind of damage a bean can do.

Or maybe it’s just that she can’t quite lift it to her mouth.

Come back tomorrow, for full coverage.

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Model Caroline Winberg eats backstage at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in New York November 19, 2009. REUTERS/Carlo Allegri

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Blog Guy, I’m planning a trip to Russia soon and as a hotshot travel writer you know a lot about different cuisines. So like, in Moscow, is there anything I should avoid?

It all depends on your taste, but for the time being I’d steer clear of cheap kebab places.

Gosh, if you can’t trust a cheap kebab house in Moscow, what CAN you trust? Any special reason to avoid them?

Only that Russian police have arrested three homeless people suspected of eating a 25-year-old man they had butchered, and selling other bits of the corpse to a local kebab house.

Oh. But apart from that, no there’s no other problem with kebab houses there?

Uh, not apart from that human meat aspect, no.  Knock yourself out.

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Above: Russian President Dmitry Medvedev (C) shares food with Cuban leader Raul Castro (L) in the official residence Zavidovo outside Moscow January 29, 2009. Medvedev hosted Castro with kebabs, salted wild boar’s fat and vodka. REUTERS/Alexander Zemlianichenko/Pool

Below: A worker cuts meat from a spit in a Kebab restaurant in Dortmund, Germany, in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Ina Fassbender

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Blog Guy, I just read a great Travel and Leisure magazine article titled “Top Travel Websites of 2009,” and do you KNOW what I found?

Yes. My blog is mentioned there, and by the magazine’s Executive Editor, no less.

Well Bob, don’t get me wrong, and congratulations, but… What would happen if people planned a vacation using YOUR blog?

My lawyer says they would have a pretty good legal case against me. But if you think about it, I have a TRAVEL tag, and offer a veritable cesspool of useful travel information you won’t find anywhere else.

I’ve exposed the so-called gyrocopter, bad budget airlines in Tibet and other cheap flight plans. I’ve written about the most important travel concern of all, foreign toilets.

I’ve tipped off readers to spots they might never know about, like the statue to enemas, the penis museum of Iceland, Zebra Land, the “other” Taj Mahal, travel packages to Hannibal Lecter’s hometown….

Heck, I’ve even warned you about the Hell on Earth list.

For foodies, I’ve covered bull’s penis and testicles in Bolivia, the blood soup bistro in Vietnam, South Korean shrimp cracker snacks, and that little place where the head chef makes, well, heads…

Since it seems to be an important factor for lots of my readers, I’ve even offered lists of travel spots where they’re sure not to run into ME, like the You Must be Joking tourist site and the Don’t Wait for me out on the Ledge destination…

And for anyone who STILL doubts my contribution to contemporary travel, five words: Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop!

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Obscure headline reference: 1950s TV show “Have Gun Will Travel“

Photos: Bikinis on an Australian beach, the gyrocopter, and riding in Hefei…

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Blog Guy, I used to love Gene Autry, the Singing Cowboy. Strumming his guitar as he rode along. They don’t make ‘em like that anymore.

Well, there is this woman, Deanna Bogart. She plays saxophone, not guitar, okay, and she rides a camel, not a horse.  She just performed in Egypt.

Egypt? Does she sing Autry’s classic, “Back in the Saddle Again?

I’m guessing hers would be something like “Back on the Camel Again.” The lyrics would probably be like:

I’m back on the camel, again,
Back where a friend is a friend,
Oh, the food here often stinks,
And they’ve got this Giant Sphinx,
I’m back on the camel, again…

Blog Guy, I think you’re making up all this crap!

Well, Deanna really did perform in Egypt.

Hold on a minute, Blog Guy. Gene Autry didn’t just sing, he used a gun and shot bad guys. If this sax player is working over in the Middle East, where will the shooting come from?

I’ll give you a few minutes to figure that out, pardner.

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U.S. Blues musician Deanna Bogart rides a camel during a performance at the front of the Pyramids of Giza on the outskirts of Cairo, October 30, 2009. REUTERS/Tarek Mostafa

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Boss, those models are back complaining again.

Boy, it’s always something with them. What is it this time?

They haven’t eaten since 2006. Look at that one on the runway, with the spindly legs and her pelvis protruding through her skin…

I don’t see anybody. Oh, wait, I do see a white bag and a headscarf. Look, if they want to be fashion models, they need to weigh less than 40 pounds. Them’s the rules.

Yeah I know, Boss, but they’re still afraid of the birds.

The birds?

You know, the birds that live in the rafters and swoop down on the runway to carry off size zero models and eat them.

Oh, whine, whine, whine! Okay, hire some damned bird-shooting snipers for the next show, but tell them to try not to hit so many people in the audience this time!

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Above: A model presents a creation from Indian designer Sanchita’s Spring/Summer 2010 collection at the Wills Lifestyle India Fashion Week in New Delhi October 26, 2009. REUTERS/Vijay Mathur

Right: Models display outfits from designer Nicolas Vaudelet’s Spring/Summer 2010 collection during Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week in Madrid September 22, 2009. REUTERS/ Susana Vera

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Blog Guy, I heard some Lebanese dudes set a new record for the largest plate of hummus over the weekend. Give us details!

You know, I just can’t get too excited about that one. It’s too vague. According to Wikipedia, hummus is the same as hamos, houmous, hommos, hommus, hummos, hummous or humus!

I mean, I could set a world record for making my famous garlic nutmeg dip, if it could also be known as pizza, aluminum, wolverines, canasta and Belgium.

I must admit you raise a fair point, Blog Guy. Now that Lebanon holds the record, maybe they should get together with whomever used to hold the record, and settle on one way to spell Hummus.

Do you know who previously held the hummus hamos, houmous, hommos, hommus, hummos, hummous humus record, Blog Guy?

Uh, from our photo archive it appears that would be Israel. You wanna take a stab at negotiating that one?

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Above: Lebanese chefs pour hummus into a gigantic dish in Beirut during an attempt to enter the Guinness Book of Records for producing the biggest plate of hummus in the world, October 24, 2009. REUTERS/ Jamal Saidi

Combo upper: Lebanese celebrate after producing what they believe to be the biggest plate of hummus in the world. REUTERS/Jamal Saidi

Combo lower: People stand around a large plate of hummus in Jerusalem, May 5, 2008. In an attempt to break the Guinness Book of world records for the largest plate of hummus. REUTERS/Ronen Zvulun

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Blog Guy, how do you decide what photos to use? I think you’re holding out on us. I bet there’s better stuff than just shots of people making goofy faces and fashion models with their hoo-hahs showing. How about letting us READERS decide?

No problem. I’ll just give you the titles of several of our photo essays from recent days, and you tell me which ones you want to see here. Just say when…

Well thanks, that sounds more than fair…

Here goes: “Swiss Air Force Performs,” “Honduras Coup: The Man and His Hat,” “Harvesting Grapes in Austria…” See anything yet?

Not yet…

Um, “Belgium’s King Albert II and Queen Paola at the Vatican,” “Eel Farming in Holland…”

Liar! There is NOT one about eel farming in Holland. That’s just your deranged sense of humor again!

Oh yeah? Check out this caption: The guts of eels lie in an eel smokery…

Stop! You win! Say, Blog Guy, you got any new shots of models in stupid-looking outfits?

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Above: Fisherman Aart van der Waal (R) drinks a cup of coffee with eel smoker Joost Kant in the southern Dutch village of S’Gravendeel September 30, 2009. When Van der Waal chose 20 years ago to fish for eel rather than join the legal profession, he didn’t expect to be told someday to make a choice between making a living and breaking the law. Fishing the muddy, shallow canals near his home for plump, fattened eels that the Dutch consider a delicacy smoked on toast or in bread - and which are eaten in stews across Europe - is no longer allowed during October and November.

Right: Vvan der Waal fixes a net at his home in the Southern Dutch Village of Numansdorp, September 28, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Jerry Lampen

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Blog Guy, I heard milk farmers staged a big protest today. Boy, it’s violence everywhere, isn’t it? What was it this time? Guns, firebombs…

Milk. Dairy farmers directed milk straight from the cows, spraying it at the police.

That sounds pretty tame to me.

I’d call it udder disregard for police safety.

Now just a minute. You’re not implying that any cops were injured!

Yes. There were some brain injuries among cops who got big doses in the face.

I don’t believe that. Brain injuries?

Sure. Milk can be very dangerous once it gets past your eyes…

Pasteurized? You’re an imbecile!

Did you even read the coverage of the milk protest?

I skimmed it.

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Milk farmers spray fresh milk on riot police during a demonstration outside the European Council headquarters in Brussels October 5, 2009. REUTERS/Yves Herman

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Okay young man, thanks for volunteering, but do you think you have what it takes to be a pro-democracy protester here in Hong Kong?

You BET I do. I have fire in my heart!

That’s the spirit. Because sometimes you may get tear-gassed by police, or maybe even punched and kicked.

I can take it for the cause!

You may even have to go to jail.

Just give me the chance! They shall not break my spirit!

Oh, and occasionally you’ll need to put your finger up some other dude’s nose.

Excuse me, I guess I’m in the wrong place. I’m just here to pick up an order of General Tso’s chicken, with extra soy sauce…

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Pro-democracy protesters carrying a mock coffin try to cross a police line during a demonstration demanding China improve its human rights record, outside the Chinese liaison office in Hong Kong, October 1, 2009. REUTERS/Tyrone Siu

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