Happy July 4th, Blog Guy. I just saw an Abe Lincoln statue made of cheese. Isn’t that disrespectful?

No. If you know your history, you know Lincoln was a passionate cheese enthusiast.

It was Abe who pushed the bounds of home entertaining by rolling up cheese and pecans together, creating the popular cheese log.

HE did that?

Sure. He called them Lincoln Logs.  He also pioneered new forms of smelly Limburger Cheese, making his own pungent recipe.

Uh-oh. What was that called?

What do you think? “Stinkin’ Lincoln.”

Apart from the “Gettysburg Address,” Lincoln’s most famous speech was his 1863 “Homage to Fromage.” And, his 1864 presidential campaign slogan was ”He’s not just gouda, he’s grate!”

You’re right, I do recall something about that. What was that phrase he used to predict the mass popularity of cheese?

He called it a “feta compli.”

Gosh Blog Guy, you seem to know quite a few cheese-related puns.

Well, I don’t like to boast, but they do call me the “Münster Punster.”

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Cheez-It commissioned 700-pound life-size cheddar cheese carving of Abraham Lincoln, on display near the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, July 3, 2009. REUTERS/Ray Stubblebine/Cheez-It/Handout

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Blog Guy, I read that Australia’s troops in Afghanistan are unhappy with their food. Apparently they don’t like the stuff that the Dutch-run mess hall is serving. Could Dutch food really be that bad?

No. The Dutch eat lots of great cheeses, and all kinds of chocolate and stuff.

That sounds yummy. Have you been to Australia? What do they eat there?

Yes, I have. They eat Vegemite, this dark brown food paste that they spread on everything.

Ewwww. What else do they eat there?

Things called witchetty-grubs, which are worms.

Hmmm. So it’s worms and icky veggie spread vs. Gouda cheese and Droste Cocoa? What are the Australians doing about it?

Our story says they’re rushing in a special team of Australian cooks. And, I would guess, planeloads of worms.

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Britain’s Prince Charles pretends to eat a witchetty-grub during a bush foods demonstration at the Desert Park in Alice Springs, Australia. REUTERS/David Gray

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You’ve GOT to help me, Blog Guy! Big News is breaking too fast. North Korean nukes, a new Supreme Court Justice, the economy….

Can you please direct me to the LEAST significant thing on earth? I need to totally zone out for about 45 seconds with the most inconsequential thing you can find.

We don’t carry insignificant news on reuters.com. We’re the big guys.

Don’t kid a kidder, Blog Guy. I know you’ve got something lightweight hidden away. Hurry, my head is about to explode from important stuff!

Well, don’t tell anybody where you got this. Three words for you: Latvian cheese festival. We have 45 seconds of video.

With all due respect, how do I know this isn’t a trap to get me to learn serious stuff about Latvian cheese?

Because there’s no narration. Trust me, you won’t have a clue what you’re seeing.

I’m clicking now, but I still find it hard to believe anybody would really show that.

Oh, we’ve got it, but if you watch it and never awaken again, don’t send your family blubbering to me.

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Blog Guy, I went to dinner last night with friends here in Colombia. The  restaurant must have been in a skyscraper, because when we looked down, everything looked like ants!

You were looking at the dishes on your table, and they WERE ants. This is the season when they eat huge ants in various ways in Colombia.

No way!

Way.

Gulp. I guess that’s why the menu only offered two choices - the Red Special and the Black Special?

That’s right. It also explains why you didn’t take food with you on your picnic, just some “Ant Jemima” syrup. And have you gone to a movie while you were there?

Uh, yeah. Why?

When you opened your Raisinets, did they come out of the box a lot easier than usual?

Yes. I think I’m going to be sick now.

Then my work here is finished.

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Above: A man eats roasted “Culonas” ants in Socorro May 20, 2009. Every year during the April-June season, Colombian farmers and inhabitants of Santander province collect ants as part of a traditional ritual in the region. The ants are cooked and sold as exotic, specialized food.

Above: A typical dish in ant sauce is seen in the restaurant Color de Hormiga in Barichara, May 19, 2009.

Left: Farmer tosses a big pot of ants while cooking them in Socorro, May 20, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Jose Miguel Gomez

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Quick quiz: Thousands of live rats in Cambodia, shown in crates below, are being shipped to Vietnam to…

a) enjoy a getaway at one of the world’s top rat vacation destinations.

b) be used as Happy Rat Day gifts.

c) take part in a rat exchange which could lead to a foreign exchange program involving real students.

d) be eaten up by people.

Is that your final answer? Yes, I’m afraid they are heading off to be eaten.

Still, if that surprises you then I guess you missed my blog a couple of weeks ago headlined Another bowl of blood, Lonnie! Shame on you!

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Above: A boy shows off a rat he caught at Kandal province, Cambodia, May 15, 2009.

Left: Live rats are stored in Kandal province, awaiting transport to Vietnam.

REUTERS photos by Chor Sokunthea

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Blog Guy, you write a lot about travel. My wife and I need a vacation, but we’re trying hard to lose weight. Vacations always mean wonderful meals, and we come home 10 pounds heavier. How can we break that cycle?

Do what I do. Plan a vacation to Vietnam.

Oh hot-diggity. How does that help?

For dinner in Hanoi, head out to a bistro I know specializing in entrails and blood soup.

Ewww! Puke-o-Rama! What’s it called?

Lonnie’s House of Blood Soup and Cocktail Lounge. Tell Lonnie I sent you.

You’re crazy! I’d sooner stay home and eat my wife’s cooking!

Don’t forget to save room for Lonnie’s dessert. If you bring your own Bowie knife, you can help him kill it.

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A raw blood dish is displayed with cooked entrails at a restaurant in Hanoi, April 28, 2009. Frozen pudding from fresh duck or pig blood is a popular dish in Vietnam, although duck blood is less consumed following bird flu outbreaks. A bowl of raw blood costs about 55 cents. REUTERS/Kham

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Blog Guy, I’m a 16-year-old boy and I’m very sensitive about my looks.

The kids at school say I look like a hamburger! They taunt me, calling me ”Burger Boy” and ”Big Mac.” What can I do?

Kids can be so cruel. First, let me say that I don’t see it at all. You look like a regular kid to me. But I did show your photo to my picture editor, who said, “Sweet Jesus! Look at the Whopper where that poor kid’s head should be!”

So if it will help your self-esteem, let’s do a makeover. A brightly-colored shirt, especially one with blue stripes, will help de-emphasize your perceived burgerishness.

You try that out, and it will change your life. Tomorrow, you can go to school with relish. Oops, sorry.

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A demonstrator wearing a model of a hamburger on his head, is pictured during a protest by German farmers against patents on animal breeding in Munich, April 15, 2009. REUTERS/Alexandra Beier

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Blog Guy, I need help. I’m a smoker, and…

Say no more, I’ll try to help you quit.

No! I don’t want to quit, I just don’t want my wife to catch me! How can I cover the smell?

Here is the very latest cover-up technology. You line a spare room with 4,600 pounds of garlic, then heat it to 120 degrees, permeating every inch with the aroma. You could light up a cow pie and nobody would notice.

But won’t my wife wonder about the garlic smell?

Sure. Just say an Italian restaurant opened next door.

But she’ll learn that isn’t true when she tries to make dinner reservations there.

Ah, so you’ve got a SMART wife, huh? Then say you added a garlic panic room for vampire attacks.

Perfect! I think she’ll fall for that.

Yeah, even the smart ones usually do.

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A vendor smokes as he sells garlic at a market in Taiyuan, Shanxi province, China, April 13, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Bolivian President Evo Morales got a controversial electoral law passed by his congress today after using a fairly unorthodox tactic.

Morales, shown here in photos during more caloric times, went on a hunger strike for nearly five days until he got what he wanted.

Not much is known about what he did during the strike because he stayed inside the presidential palace. He played a lot of chess and we think he chewed on coca leaves to ward off hunger pangs. He ended the diet after his victory today, having lost nearly nine pounds.

As far as we know, no U.S. president has ever gone on hunger strike, though it wouldn’t have hurt William H. Taft, who weighed in at 335 pounds.

Morales addressed his nation today, and while I’m not sure how that went, I presume he was kind of hard to understand, what with cramming Egg McMuffins and Krispy Kreme doughnuts into his cake hole nonstop.

I’m just saying, because that’s what I would have done.

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Above: Bolivia’s President Evo Morales eats birthday cake during a celebration of revolutionary hero Ernesto “Che” Guevara’s birth. in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Carlos Hugo Vaca

Below: Morales eats traditional food at the presidential palace in La Paz, in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Gonzalo Jallasi/ABI/Handout

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Blog Guy, you’ve REALLY been around. You must have seen EVERYTHING!

Almost. The only thing I haven’t seen is a woman rubbing 24 chilies in her eyes. I’m still looking for a chance to… Wait! Here’s video of that very thing!

Awesome! But why would somebody do that?

I guess she drew the line at 25 chilies because, well, doing THAT would seem abnormal.

It makes sense when you put it that way. Still, couldn’t they lock you up for that in most places?

Of course. Look, I blame the Guinness people. Everybody wants to set a world’s record. Have you ever seen their whole list? The Painful Eye Stuff chapter alone has dozens of records, like:

• Most eyes rubbed with deviled eggs
• Most eyes rubbed with poison ivy
• Most eyes licked by a wolverine named Timmy

Blog Guy, all due respect, is that true?

No, I made up those “records” to see if the chili lady would try for them.

So you won’t be trying to beat her record?

Nah. If I want to run away screaming from unbearable pain in my eyes, I’ll watch that new “Harper’s Island” show.

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