Blog Guy, I just read a great Travel and Leisure magazine article titled “Top Travel Websites of 2009,” and do you KNOW what I found?

Yes. My blog is mentioned there, and by the magazine’s Executive Editor, no less.

Well Bob, don’t get me wrong, and congratulations, but… What would happen if people planned a vacation using YOUR blog?

My lawyer says they would have a pretty good legal case against me. But if you think about it, I have a TRAVEL tag, and offer a veritable cesspool of useful travel information you won’t find anywhere else.

I’ve exposed the so-called gyrocopter, bad budget airlines in Tibet and other cheap flight plans. I’ve written about the most important travel concern of all, foreign toilets.

I’ve tipped off readers to spots they might never know about, like the statue to enemas, the penis museum of Iceland, Zebra Land, the “other” Taj Mahal, travel packages to Hannibal Lecter’s hometown….

Heck, I’ve even warned you about the Hell on Earth list.

For foodies, I’ve covered bull’s penis and testicles in Bolivia, the blood soup bistro in Vietnam, South Korean shrimp cracker snacks, and that little place where the head chef makes, well, heads…

Since it seems to be an important factor for lots of my readers, I’ve even offered lists of travel spots where they’re sure not to run into ME, like the You Must be Joking tourist site and the Don’t Wait for me out on the Ledge destination…

And for anyone who STILL doubts my contribution to contemporary travel, five words: Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop!

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Obscure headline reference: 1950s TV show “Have Gun Will Travel“

Photos: Bikinis on an Australian beach, the gyrocopter, and riding in Hefei…

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Blog Guy, I used to love Gene Autry, the Singing Cowboy. Strumming his guitar as he rode along. They don’t make ‘em like that anymore.

Well, there is this woman, Deanna Bogart. She plays saxophone, not guitar, okay, and she rides a camel, not a horse.  She just performed in Egypt.

Egypt? Does she sing Autry’s classic, “Back in the Saddle Again?

I’m guessing hers would be something like “Back on the Camel Again.” The lyrics would probably be like:

I’m back on the camel, again,
Back where a friend is a friend,
Oh, the food here often stinks,
And they’ve got this Giant Sphinx,
I’m back on the camel, again…

Blog Guy, I think you’re making up all this crap!

Well, Deanna really did perform in Egypt.

Hold on a minute, Blog Guy. Gene Autry didn’t just sing, he used a gun and shot bad guys. If this sax player is working over in the Middle East, where will the shooting come from?

I’ll give you a few minutes to figure that out, pardner.

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U.S. Blues musician Deanna Bogart rides a camel during a performance at the front of the Pyramids of Giza on the outskirts of Cairo, October 30, 2009. REUTERS/Tarek Mostafa

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Boss, those models are back complaining again.

Boy, it’s always something with them. What is it this time?

They haven’t eaten since 2006. Look at that one on the runway, with the spindly legs and her pelvis protruding through her skin…

I don’t see anybody. Oh, wait, I do see a white bag and a headscarf. Look, if they want to be fashion models, they need to weigh less than 40 pounds. Them’s the rules.

Yeah I know, Boss, but they’re still afraid of the birds.

The birds?

You know, the birds that live in the rafters and swoop down on the runway to carry off size zero models and eat them.

Oh, whine, whine, whine! Okay, hire some damned bird-shooting snipers for the next show, but tell them to try not to hit so many people in the audience this time!

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Above: A model presents a creation from Indian designer Sanchita’s Spring/Summer 2010 collection at the Wills Lifestyle India Fashion Week in New Delhi October 26, 2009. REUTERS/Vijay Mathur

Right: Models display outfits from designer Nicolas Vaudelet’s Spring/Summer 2010 collection during Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week in Madrid September 22, 2009. REUTERS/ Susana Vera

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Blog Guy, I heard some Lebanese dudes set a new record for the largest plate of hummus over the weekend. Give us details!

You know, I just can’t get too excited about that one. It’s too vague. According to Wikipedia, hummus is the same as hamos, houmous, hommos, hommus, hummos, hummous or humus!

I mean, I could set a world record for making my famous garlic nutmeg dip, if it could also be known as pizza, aluminum, wolverines, canasta and Belgium.

I must admit you raise a fair point, Blog Guy. Now that Lebanon holds the record, maybe they should get together with whomever used to hold the record, and settle on one way to spell Hummus.

Do you know who previously held the hummus hamos, houmous, hommos, hommus, hummos, hummous humus record, Blog Guy?

Uh, from our photo archive it appears that would be Israel. You wanna take a stab at negotiating that one?

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Above: Lebanese chefs pour hummus into a gigantic dish in Beirut during an attempt to enter the Guinness Book of Records for producing the biggest plate of hummus in the world, October 24, 2009. REUTERS/ Jamal Saidi

Combo upper: Lebanese celebrate after producing what they believe to be the biggest plate of hummus in the world. REUTERS/Jamal Saidi

Combo lower: People stand around a large plate of hummus in Jerusalem, May 5, 2008. In an attempt to break the Guinness Book of world records for the largest plate of hummus. REUTERS/Ronen Zvulun

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Blog Guy, how do you decide what photos to use? I think you’re holding out on us. I bet there’s better stuff than just shots of people making goofy faces and fashion models with their hoo-hahs showing. How about letting us READERS decide?

No problem. I’ll just give you the titles of several of our photo essays from recent days, and you tell me which ones you want to see here. Just say when…

Well thanks, that sounds more than fair…

Here goes: “Swiss Air Force Performs,” “Honduras Coup: The Man and His Hat,” “Harvesting Grapes in Austria…” See anything yet?

Not yet…

Um, “Belgium’s King Albert II and Queen Paola at the Vatican,” “Eel Farming in Holland…”

Liar! There is NOT one about eel farming in Holland. That’s just your deranged sense of humor again!

Oh yeah? Check out this caption: The guts of eels lie in an eel smokery…

Stop! You win! Say, Blog Guy, you got any new shots of models in stupid-looking outfits?

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Above: Fisherman Aart van der Waal (R) drinks a cup of coffee with eel smoker Joost Kant in the southern Dutch village of S’Gravendeel September 30, 2009. When Van der Waal chose 20 years ago to fish for eel rather than join the legal profession, he didn’t expect to be told someday to make a choice between making a living and breaking the law. Fishing the muddy, shallow canals near his home for plump, fattened eels that the Dutch consider a delicacy smoked on toast or in bread - and which are eaten in stews across Europe - is no longer allowed during October and November.

Right: Vvan der Waal fixes a net at his home in the Southern Dutch Village of Numansdorp, September 28, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Jerry Lampen

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Blog Guy, I heard milk farmers staged a big protest today. Boy, it’s violence everywhere, isn’t it? What was it this time? Guns, firebombs…

Milk. Dairy farmers directed milk straight from the cows, spraying it at the police.

That sounds pretty tame to me.

I’d call it udder disregard for police safety.

Now just a minute. You’re not implying that any cops were injured!

Yes. There were some brain injuries among cops who got big doses in the face.

I don’t believe that. Brain injuries?

Sure. Milk can be very dangerous once it gets past your eyes…

Pasteurized? You’re an imbecile!

Did you even read the coverage of the milk protest?

I skimmed it.

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Milk farmers spray fresh milk on riot police during a demonstration outside the European Council headquarters in Brussels October 5, 2009. REUTERS/Yves Herman

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Okay young man, thanks for volunteering, but do you think you have what it takes to be a pro-democracy protester here in Hong Kong?

You BET I do. I have fire in my heart!

That’s the spirit. Because sometimes you may get tear-gassed by police, or maybe even punched and kicked.

I can take it for the cause!

You may even have to go to jail.

Just give me the chance! They shall not break my spirit!

Oh, and occasionally you’ll need to put your finger up some other dude’s nose.

Excuse me, I guess I’m in the wrong place. I’m just here to pick up an order of General Tso’s chicken, with extra soy sauce…

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Pro-democracy protesters carrying a mock coffin try to cross a police line during a demonstration demanding China improve its human rights record, outside the Chinese liaison office in Hong Kong, October 1, 2009. REUTERS/Tyrone Siu

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Eency Weency spider, climbs up my favorite cup
Along comes this dude who eats the spider up,
Juicy, juicy spider, it meets an awful death,
And off goes the weirdo, Mr. Spider Breath!

Blog Guy, it’s a dreary day. Give us a story from some far-flung place, to enrich our appreciation of other cultures.

How about watching our video report on this guy, who earns money eating spiders while people watch.

That may be a little TOO enriching for my gag reflex. What does he eat, like two or three?

Nope, he gobbles like a hundred at a time, and he wants to get into the record books by eating a thousand.

Ewwww!!!! Stop it!!!! Stop right now!!!!!

He says some are juicy, some sweet, some bitter, and some have a milky flavor…

No!!!! What can I do to erase this from my mind?

Only one thing will do that. You have to send this blog item to ten other people, and they must do the same…

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Ever since my readers voted Prince Charles the “Coolest Leader Dude,” it seems to me he’s doing more “normal” stuff in public.

Like yesterday Charles the Prince of Wales and his typical average wife, Camilla the Duchess of Cornwall, visited a grocery.

Charles demanded to “see where the groundlings buy their bangers and mash and spotted dick.”

Charles pondered shelves of “East Anglia carrots,” whatever those are, while his wife was surprised to find some kind of cheese that didn’t even stink.

The royal couple gathered up peasant-style food to take home and show to the family, but were then confronted by an unexpected check-out line and a cashier who demanded some variety of payment.

“I would have thought you just give them some of your pearls, Camilla dear,” Charles advised.

“But not too many! They should be insulted if it seems as though we’re twits!”

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Top: Prince Charles visits a Waitrose supermarket in Belgravia, central London, September 10, 2009.

Middle: Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, tastes some cheese.

Bottom: Charles and Camilla pay for some groceries.

REUTERS/Johnny Green/Pool

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Blog Guy, I saw a Reuters photo from Spain showing four guys together in silly outfits. What’s the story?

I think it’s a shot from a Spanish remake of “Bonanza.” From left, that’s Hoss, Ben, Adam and…

You’re a total moron, Blog Guy. You can’t bother to read your own captions? These are bullfighters. The gray outfit is an Armani.

It says this particular annual event involves costumes from “the era of Goya,” whatever that is.

Goya? They make canned beans and mango juice and stuff.

And there’s a hilarious shot of goofy matadors going around piggyback on the shoulders of some poor guys.

Yikes! If those matadors are full of Goya canned beans, I wouldn’t want ‘em sitting that close to MY nose! Hey, you think this is the “Bonanza” episode where the bank robbers shoot Little Joe?

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Above: Spanish bullfighter Cayetano Rivera in gray costume made by Italian designer Giorgio Armani, poses before a “Corrida Goyesca” bullfight in Ronda, Spain, September 5, 2009. In the annual fight the bullfighters wear costumes from the era of 18th Century painter Francisco Goya.

Left: Spanish bullfighters acknowledge the public’s applause.

REUTERS photos by Jon Nazca

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