“Look, I’ve only got a few months left, and I don’t want to complain, but are you REALLY sure these new Secret Service uniforms make sense?

“I mean, sure, they’re fine for your Thursday night Secret Service Folk Dancing Club meetings. I guess they’re okay for that Secret Service Fortune-Telling sideline you all have going, and your Secret Service Oompah Band. But if you get to wear cool outfits like that when you’re on duty, shouldn’t I get to wear one, too?”

Related post: Big news, no ooze!

U.S. President George W. Bush waits as he is introduced to deliver his speech in St. Mark’s Square in Zagreb April 5, 2008.  REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque

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Blog Guy,

I‘m aware that you are something of an Old Testament scholar. Someone told me recently that in the story of David and Goliath, David was eating ice cream while he slew Goliath with his slingshot. Could this be true?

Well, an often-overlooked detail in some translations of that story has David eating a scoop of Baskin Robbins Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough during the battle. It seems he only bought one dip because he wasn’t sure he’d be around to finish it.

In that part of the world, ice cream and slingshots still go together like, well, whatever. Check out this photo taken just today.

Meanwhile, more slingshot news:

A Palestinian protester uses a sling against Israeli soldiers while eating an ice-cream during a protest opposed to Israel’s security fence in the West Bank village of Bilin April 4, 2008. REUTERS/Baz Ratner

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My personal policy is I don’t drink booze with anything floating in it that I wouldn’t eat. I’ve missed out on some good tequila, but rules are rules.

That brings us to Bayou Bob, of Bayou Bob’s Brazos River Rattlesnake Ranch. Texas authorities say he was selling bottles of vodka with dead baby rattlesnakes.

Now, you’d think it would be pretty hard to GIVE that stuff away, but it seems Bob found folks who would pay $23 a bottle. These must be guys who fail to grasp the concept of displacement; once you cram a 10-inch snake in a bottle, there’s not much room left for vodka.

If you DID buy a bottle, how should you serve Bob’s stuff? My bartender’s guide suggests cocktails such as a “Death Rattle,” a “Fang ‘n’ Tang,” or a refreshing summer drink called “Venom ‘n’ Lemon.”

Related post: Which end of the snake goes in my mouth?

Not the same guy: Heart of Texas Snake Handler Jack Bibby dangles rattlesnakes from his mouth in a 2007 file photo REUTERS/Jessica Rinaldi

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After recently breaking huge stories about remakes of “The Birds” and “The Great Escape,” this blog has more Hollywood news. It turns out they’ve done a cheap remake of the 1984 Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah mermaid hit, “Splash.”

There are worrisome questions about whether the costume designer was wise to cover the female star from chin to floor. As the publicity photo below shows, she looks more like one of those big sea lions than Hannah’s sexy, playful mermaid.

Frankly, in the scene I watched, it took the new mermaid a painful 24 minutes to belly-flop her way from low tide to the beach. By then, Tom Hanks had called in a tip to the Gorton’s Fisherman Hotline (”Earn cash for finding fish“) and gone off for drinks with Meg Ryan. We all know how that will end up.

More movie news: Sound of Music sequel: Nun With A Gun!

(Above: movie poster)

Model shows a creation by Russian designer Natasha Glazkova during Moscow Fashion Week March 24, 2008. REUTERS/Alexander Natruskin

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Welcome back to Great Challenges in Advertising. A woman in South Korea says she found a rat head in some shrimp cracker snacks, and we’re wondering how they could reposition that product in the marketplace. Your suggestions so far:

• Rat head shrimp crackers, the snack that can’t go bad!
• They’re skull-crunchingly yummy!
• Rat head: when you just don’t feel like a whole rat
• Rat head, like the shrimp flavor isn’t bad enough…
• Rat head crackers - they’re plague-o-licious!

Related post: What happens in Rat Island stays in…

A woman selects grilled rats in Thailand in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Sukree Sukplang

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Maybe you saw, this guy sued a store for $600,000. He says a squashed grape got lodged under the sole of his shoe, making him slip and fall. I’ve been trying to duplicate this, like folks who shoot at cantaloupes trying to make a point about the JFK assassination.

I bought six pounds of grapes and I’ve stepped on them in every room of my home. Rugs, wood floors, kitchen tiles, the stairs. No luck. Coating them in Crisco did nothing. I took running leaps onto them, I blindfolded myself, I crazy-glued them to my flip-flops. I even put some under a banana peel, but I’m still standing.

I give up. Time to move on. But now what I really need is for someone to come over and help clean up this mess before my wife gets home.

A grape something like this… Denmark’s Minister for food, Agriculture and Fisheries Eva Kjer Hansen eats a grape in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Miguel Vidal

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Easter is approaching and, for some people in Greece, that brings to mind those two important words: food fight. Every year, the folks in this town spend the day bombarding one another with colored flour until they’re encrusted with it.

Me, I don’t understand these annual events where people slip and slide in tomatoes, oranges, grapes and so on, but that’s a personal hang-up. Given the choice of being sticky or being dead, I’ll go for dead every time.

Obviously, some people do enjoy them and keep coming back. Indeed, one guy in Paul Chapman’s video report explains that it’s’ a good way for the children to learn about traditions.” Hmmm. This may help explain why traditions are fading away in some cultures.

See the slideshow:
Related post:The Gross and Sticky tour of Europe…

Local revellers celebrate “Ash Monday” by participating in a colorful “flour-war” in the port town of Galaxidi, Central Greece. REUTERS/John Kolesidis

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“…egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam…”

Life imitates Monty Python at this Japanese restaurant where every dish on the menu contains the herb coriander. It’s worth a trip just to jerk their chain.

“Waiter, can I get this coriander salad without coriander? Now, this coriander burger, does it have coriander in it? I have this illness where I’ll drop dead if I eat any coriander, so have the chef be real careful…

“You know what, maybe I’ll just go next door and eat at Basil’s House of Basil…” Hayley Platt reports:

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France, where they eat snails and frog legs, wants to be the first country to put its cuisine on the United Nations’ World Heritage List. But Italy, where they eat pasta and pizza, says good luck with that, snail-chewers.

It seems Italy claims 166 officially recognized food specialties, against only 156 for France, including some stuff you wouldn’t put in your mouth.

On Saturday, France’s president said, “We have the best gastronomy in the world.” Then an Italian official responded with an unthinkable insult, suggesting even French people like Italian food.

So it’s getting ugly, which is why I propose myself as an arbitrator. You plant me smack in the middle of Rome and Paris and bring me the best food you’ve got for a month or so, and I’ll get back to you with a decision. We’ll start with French fries and cognac, please.

Traditonal pizzeria in Rome in a 2004 file photo. REUTERS/Tony Gentile

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Maryland, which already has jousting as its official sport, is considering adopting something called the Smith Island Cake as its official dessert. Seriously, you can read about it.

Official desserts aren’t unusual. Florida has key lime pie, seen in the photo. Great choice! Utah has lime Jell-O. I don’t even want to go there. The less I know, the better.

I have nothing against Smith Island Cake, but I lived in Maryland for many years and ate at lots of restaurants, and I never heard of the stuff. Honestly, it was much easier to find the official desserts from other states.

But here’s the thing. Maryland lawmakers are also thinking of making walking the official exercise. They are concerned that nearly 25 percent of residents are obese. Geez, that being the case, ya think maybe they shouldn’t be creating a state dessert? Or should they just sell it to thin folks who walk to the bakery to get it?

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