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Virginia Labrador as a contestant in the Miss Sevilla pageant, poses during a presentation in the Andalusian capital of Seville, Spain, November 17, 2009. REUTERS/Marcelo del Pozo

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November 13th, 2009

Honey, will you marry me?

Posted by: Robert Basler

Okay fashion staff, welcome to the future. This is our first test of a bold and radical new process for designing women’s clothing.

As you know, we fed tons of raw data about MEN into a massive new software program, and told the computer to design the perfect creation to appeal to the largest possible number of males.

We fed in detailed data on age, income, location, politics, religion, marital status, hobbies, personal values - you name it - and then punched the big red “CREATE” button.

After three crashes and reboots, here’s the first thing the computer gave us: a trashy-looking floozy with a cheap bleach job, wearing a short dress with several hundred beer bottles hanging from it.

YES! The rest is history - we’ve pre-sold 20 million of these dresses through this blog, and we haven’t even started making them yet! Is life great, or what?

Lamar, how are you coming with the prototype of that second item, the Swiss Cheese and Lunch Meat Blouse?

A model presents a creation by Portuguese designer Vitor during the Lisbon Fashion Week in Cascais October 10, 2009. Reuters/Hugo Correia

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November 12th, 2009

Brand recognition to die for…

Posted by: Robert Basler

Welcome to the story that cannot be satirized. It’s already THAT good.

It seems the designer of the Kalashnikov rifle was just named a “Hero of Russia” by Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, who lauded him for creating “the brand every Russian is proud of.”

Please remember, I am not making any of this up.

As far as global recognition goes, Mikhail Kalashnikov’s name would be right up there with Death and Hemorrhoids, if those were actual people’s names.

Between real Kalashnikovs and knock-offs, “the brand every Russian is proud of” is often said to have killed more people than any other weapon.

Indeed, “the brand every Russian is proud of” is the weapon of choice among various armies, rebels, gangsters and drug traffickers.

Said the frail, 90-year-old Kalashnikov at the ceremony, “This is not my fault that this weapon is not used where it should.”

Top: Mikhail Kalashnikov (R), the Russian inventor of the globally popular AK-47 assault rifle, toasts with Russia’s President Dmitry Medvedev during festivities to celebrate his 90th birthday in Moscow, November 10, 2009. REUTERS/ Natalia Kolesnikova/Pool

Middle: Afghan boys, some as young as eight, peer through the broken glass of a window of their prison in Kabul watched by a young guard with a Kalashnikov assault rifle, in a 1996 file photo. REUTERS/Stringer

Bottom: A Russian boy aims a Kalashnikov rifle at the Russian Army’s elite Dzerzhinsky division near the town of Balashikha, outside Moscow, in a 2002 file photo. The Dzerzhinsky division organized a military-style summer camp for juvenile delinquents to teach military discipline and show them contemporary weaponry. REUTERS/Sergei Karpukhin

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November 11th, 2009

Getting away from the rat race?

Posted by: Robert Basler

Blog Guy, I see you’re Mister Travel Blogger these days. What’s the hot new trend in leisure travel?

These days, lots of readers come to me and say, “Bob, we’re tired of staying in luxury hotels when we travel. We would prefer to experience what it’s like to be a small rodent.”

Really? You get that a lot?

All the time. So I tell them about “Hamster’s Villa,” over there in France, where for $148 you can sleep in the 18th century caretaker’s room designed to give the impression of living in a hamster’s cage, complete with a six-foot wheel to run in.

You just run and that wheel goes around and you don’t get anywhere?

Exactly. So what do you do, stranger?

I’m an office worker. You know, cubicle, conference calls, spreadsheets, the usual.

Cool. So then the Hamster Villa would be a real change of pace for you, huh?

French architect Frederic Tabary poses inside the “Hamster’s Villa”, imagined and conceived by Tabary together with architect Yann Falquerho, in Nantes, France, November 8, 2009. For 99 euros ($148) a night, guests can sleep in the 18th century caretaker’s room designed to give the impression of living in a hamster’s cage, complete with a wheel to run in. REUTERS/Stephane Mahe

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September 23rd, 2009

Gals, time to get your nails done!

Posted by: Robert Basler

Okay fashion show staff, you’re all aware of our problem.

Our designer shoes are so uncomfortable, our models won’t wear them. As you can see here, they just take them off in the middle of the runway!

We’ve had lots of falls recently, and now, God forbid, people have started debating whether women have the right to wear “comfortable” shoes to work. This could be the end of us.

Herb, I liked your idea of filling the shoes with airplane glue, but unfortunately people in the front row can smell it, and we can’t have fashion editors getting stoned.

I’m afraid that leaves us with Lonnie’s suggestion, shoeing the models sort of like horses.

I think the discomfort of having a few nails stuck into their feet to hold the shoes on has been exaggerated, and our medical coverage does cover tetanus shots, right?

But Lonnie, DO remember to measure the nails. The sight of having them come out the top of the foot might be a fashion turn-off…

A model removes her shoes as she displays an outfit by designer Carlos Doblas during Madrid Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2010 show, September 18, 2009.

A model gets help making her shoes more slip-resistant before taking part in Alma Aguilar’s Spring/Summer 2010 show in Madrid, September 21, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Susana Vera

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September 18th, 2009

Yes, you did get me at a bad time!

Posted by: Robert Basler

“Hello? What? Yes, this is Mr. Obama speaking.

“No, it’s not pronounced like the bama in Alabama, it sounds like… I’m kinda busy, what’s this about?

“Well, I’m in a parking garage now, and I am getting good reception.

“Huh? You’ve noticed my roaming charges are high? Yeah, I guess I’d be interested in a cheaper plan…

“Wait a minute! So I can’t qualify for your ‘Home or Roam’ plan because I don’t live in a residential neighborhood?

“I don’t CARE if your records show my house is zoned for office use! Do I own or rent? Look, I just live there for free!”

President Barack Obama talks on a phone in the parking garage before a rally on health insurance reform at the University of Maryland in College Park, Maryland, September 17, 2009. REUTERS/ Larry Downing

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September 16th, 2009

Models, we’re havin’ a Wingding!

Posted by: Robert Basler

Okay, fashion show staff, I wanna know who played this little joke, and I wanna know now!

You know what I’m talking about. One of you printed up some “books” with that Microsoft Wingdings font, and told the models there would be a “test” after the show!

So naturally, the models ignored their jobs and spent all their time trying to “study” this gibberish!

You think that’s funny, Lonnie? We had models forgetting to flounce, strut, prance, sashay….

For God’s sake, some of them didn’t even remember to POUT! You think anybody is gonna buy our creations if they don’t see pouting?

And I didn’t mention the cruelest part. Some of the girls are already buying “cheat sheets” for the “test.” I hope you’re real proud of yourself!

Models wait their turn backstage for make-up before the Jill Stuart Spring 2010 fashion show during New York Fashion Week, September 14, 2009. REUTERS/Stephen Chernin

A model gets ready before presenting a creation at the Georges Chakra Spring 2010 collection during New York Fashion Week September 12, 2009. REUTERS/Kena Betancur

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August 27th, 2009

Presenting the Quickini!

Posted by: Robert Basler

Blog Guy, I’m hoping you can help me out with a fashion dilemma.

I’m a gal who likes wearing a comfy bikini on a sun-drenched beach vacation. But if there’s a really hunky guy there, I want to look my natural best, which includes enhancing my swimsuit with padding to make my you-know-whats look big.

Your feet?

No. Think about it, Blog Guy. Anyway, of course by the time I spot the hunk it’s too late to run back to the changing room, so what am I to do?

Say no more. Check out the “Quickini,” from a fashion show today. It’s the answer to your problem.

This chick is listening carefully for the sound of other women laughing and flirting behind her, a sure sign that a muscle-bound hunk is coming up. A quick flip of the Quickini pads hanging on her shoulders, and they’re in place to make her look like she’s so top-heavy she can barely stand up!

That’s perfect! But what happens if the hunk still doesn’t notice me?

I wouldn’t worry too much about that as long as he’s breathing.

A model presents a creation by Turkish designer Idil Tarzi during a fashion show at the Istanbul Fashion Days, August 27, 2009. REUTERS/Murad Sezer

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August 26th, 2009

Just get a frickin’ pencil, Debbie!

Posted by: Robert Basler

If you’re like me - and I’m sorry if that’s the case - then you get frequent queries like this one via Facebook. It seems that Debbie Somebody wants to put my birthday on her calendar. Is that okay with me, it asks?

Sure, I guess so. I mean, Debbie probably wants to remember to get me something nice, maybe even have a surprise party for me.

But then I get this next message, which says that in order order to do this, Debbie’s calendar application needs to pull my profile info, my photos, my friends’ info and “other content.”

I have to presume “other content” means my sex change medical records, my birth certificate from Kenya and that 1970 photo of me in a Nehru jacket.

Jeez Debbie, WTF? Isn’t it possible for you to just grab a pencil and write, “Bob’s birthday, August 5,” on your wall?

I mean, if you watch TV, you remember that Tony Soprano whacked Big Pussy Bonpensiero for giving up a LOT less information than your application wants from me. Watch your back, Deb.

Left: “Sopranos” actors Vincent Pastore (Big Pussy Bonpensiero) (L) and Frank Vincent in 2004 file photo. REUTERS

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August 10th, 2009

Floyd, my olive floated out of reach!

Posted by: Robert Basler

Blog Guy, I have a question about the space program. How do those astronauts unwind after a tough day of space walking and stuff?

Are you stupid? You’ve never seen Battlestar Gallactica? They have a Space Bar up on the space station now.

Really! I’ve never seen that.

That’s because NASA tries to protect the image of its squeaky clean astronauts. But these new photos show Bartender Floyd mixing up drinks despite weightlessness.

Hold on. If there’s a bar in space, then they must also have pickup lines.

Sure. According to Floyd, here are the top five lines guys use on chicks up there:

5. So, you come here often?

4. You know, what happens in space stays in space…

3, Hi cutie, you look great! Have you lost some weight?

2, Why don’t you take off that helmet and oxygen tank and get comfy?

And the number one pickup line in space is still:

1, Hey baby, wanna join the 210-mile-high club?

Finland’s Rauno Tiainen competes in the ‘flair’ discipline while preparing a Love Boat 1 cocktail during the 35th World Cocktail competition in Berlin, August 10, 2009. REUTERS/Thomas Peter