Oddly Enough Blog

Get whiter teeth, with twice the pain

Blog Guy, I read about a place in France that has made great strides in whitening teeth. Can you tell me more?

You’re in luck. I don’t actually read French, but then again I can make up stuff from looking at photos no matter where they were taken.

It scares me to death that that makes any sense to me at all, Blog Guy. So how does this method work?

I believe the technique involves biting on a gel-filled mouthpiece, which reacts to ultraviolet light.

Jeez Blog Guy, if you’re going to invent outrageous stuff, try to make it believable!

I’m so sorry, let me try it again. It looks to me as though the technique involves pulling ALL your teeth, mounting them on upright posts, bleaching them all to the same shade, and then painfully screwing them back into your mouth, one excruciating twist at a time.

What’s this-here doohickey for?

Blog Guy, I could use some of your famous career advice.

My mom gave me a glossy brochure entitled, “The Glamorous Field of Dismantling Old Nuclear Bombs,” and I signed up for their training course.

It’s real interesting, but I wondered what you thought of that career path?

Well, I do know the U.S. is currently dismantling some of our old nuclear weapons, so I guess there should be opportunities.

I see that they took apart the oldest nuclear bomb in our Cold War arsenal, one of the most powerful ones ever built, just this week. So they are training you, huh?

Oh sure! They don’t just hand us our sledge hammers and blowtorches and chainsaws and what-not unless we get at least a C in the two-day course.

Taking Siri out for a spin?

Blog Guy, I gather from your recent posts that you’re a big fan of Siri, the personal assistant on the new iPhone 4S who carries on conversations with users?

I am. I’m pretty dazzled, I must say.

So, have you gotten to know her personally?

Well, I don’t like to boast, but as you can see from this screen grab, yes. Siri sent me her personal, private phone number.

Blog Guy, you’re just pathetic. That’s one of those fictitious 555 numbers that they use in movies, which don’t really exist. Siri is just having fun with you. So, I heard a weird rumor about the timing of the release of the iPhone featuring Siri.

Yeah, it’s true. Apple released the phone a couple of weeks before Halloween so they can cash in selling Siri costumes for trick-or-treating. All the kids will be trying to look and sound like Siri next Monday night.

To goofinity, and beyond!

I try very hard to invent high-quality fantasy stuff for my blog, but sometimes I just can’t compete with reality. For instance, I could never make up anything like this actual science story:

LAS CRUCES, New Mexico (Reuters) – A start-up space company building inflatable habitats for commercial and government lease has laid off half its staff because of delays developing space taxis needed to fly people to the outposts, the company president said on Wednesday.

Robert Bigelow, a hotel entrepreneur and founder of Las Vegas-based Bigelow Aerospace, had hoped space taxis, also needed by NASA to fly astronauts to the International Space Station, would be available by early 2015.

I don’t even know which element is most bizarre. Is it that this guy makes inflatable space houses, or that now the taxis he thought would take folks up to his inflatable space houses won’t be ready on time, or that his business is based in Las Vegas?

I need to start paying more attention to technology, because I haven’t felt this ignorant about current events since a year ago, when I found out the U.S. Navy was shooting off Volkswagens at the speed of light or whatever it was.

I mean, did I fall asleep for 20 years and suddenly wake up in a world where there’s a weekend space house waiting for me, if only I can get a taxi?

I’ve ALWAYS wanted whatever this is!

Blog Guy, anything new for us from Williams-Sonoma? I’m starting my Christmas shopping early this year.

You know, I think I pick on them too much. I mean, those folks are just trying to make a living with their $2,399.95 espresso machine, to choose an item at random from the new catalog.

There are plenty of other stores that sell stuff we don’t need. I just got the new Hammacher Schlemmer catalog in the mail.

Hammacher Schlemmer? What does that mean?

I believe it’s a German phrase that roughly translates to “WTF is THIS?” I get the giggles just thumbing through this thing.

What kind of stuff do they have? I’m always on the lookout for useless crap.

New iPhone? No Siri, Bob!

Blog Guy, I read your review of the new iPhone 4S the day it was released, and found it ridiculous. You bill yourself as one of the top technology bloggers in your zip code, and yet you didn’t even mention Siri, the phone’s incredible voice recognition feature, which answers questions and obeys commands.

I don’t think you even HAVE a 4S yet!

That’s where you’re wrong. I was just carrying on a conversation with Siri, and I’ll paste it into my blog to prove it.

* * * * * * * * * *

Siri, will it rain in Honduras today?

Without a doubt.

Thanks. You think I need deodorant?

Where’s the stylus for my new iPhone?

So, Blog Guy! I guess for top gadget writers like yourself, this is a HUGE day!

Of course. Give me a hint. The new Williams-Sonoma catalog?

No! The new Apple iPhone 4S. Surely you have one and you’ve already played with it?

Oh, um, sure! I went over at 7 a.m. today but the line was very long, so I bought one from a guy outside. My staff and I are testing it now.

Outside? Really? That sounds a little suspicious. Tell us some of the things it will do.

I believe it will let you exchange text messages with dead U.S. Presidents, but only the really bad ones. I’ve already heard from Richard Nixon and Millard Fillmore.

Lemme just hack away at this gizmo…

Blog Guy, I’m looking for a new career and I know your advice is the best. I picked up a colorful brochure called, “The Exciting World of Battlefield Rocket Repair,” and I was wondering if you think that’s a good way to go?

That brochure is really making the rounds, isn’t it? I hear from lots of young people, captivated by the opening lines, “Hey, have you always wanted to see Libya?”

So, what do you think? Would I need to learn to use a lot of complicated tools?

Not really. You can see this guy in the photo working on a sophisticated Grad rocket, and he’s just using a knife.

Yikes! Using a knife on a Grad rocket? That seems pretty dangerous!

Hey, there are worse jobs than his.

The food is greasy, but your hair is great!

Blog Guy, I need some advice on home entertaining, and I know you’re an expert. Can you help me with some nagging problems?

Sure, what can I do for you?

Well, we have some friends coming to dinner soon, but it falls on the same day of the month that I wash my hair! I can’t figure a way out of this one.

It’s a dilemma, that’s for sure, but I suggest you go for the new Panasonic hair washing robot, seen here being demonstrated on a mannequin.

This way, you can have the robot wash your hair, leaving you free to prepare a gourmet dinner for your guests. Problem solved?

Er, I was just going to zip over to a fast food drive-through to pick up the meal. You think the hair-washing robot comes in a mobile version?

Creepy gets a whole lot creepier

Okay, this story is so disturbing I’m not sure where to begin.

A city in Turkey has equipped the local morgue with the latest gadgetry in case any of the bodies stored there have been declared dead by mistake.

It seems alarms and motion detectors in the mortuary will detect the slightest movement if one of the bodies emerges from a coma or unconsciousness.

The story says they took this precaution because the locals are afraid of being buried alive.

Well, who the hell isn’t?

But I think a more important point here is that the story says the town isn’t otherwise known for its modernity.