They’ve just unveiled a prototype dress designed to light up when the wearer’s mobile telephone rings. As high-tech gadgets go, I just don’t see this one catching on.

Where to begin? Do you want folks to know how pathetically unpopular you are when you hang out with the gang and your dress doesn’t light up once?

And if your phone DOES ring a lot, do you want to endure the searing pain of a bunch of Sylvania lightbulbs burning into your flesh, just to announce each call?

Here what I see happening if this catches on.

Say you’re a trashy floozy having an affair with a married guy, and you agree to meet him at a crowded nightspot. But then his wife shows up with his phone and hits last number dialed, and you’re so busted, glow worm! Then there’s a screaming catfight, hair gets pulled, clothes get torn, beer bottles get broken…

Okay, so maybe the idea isn’t all bad.

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Tennis player Maria Sharapova with the light-up dress at a boutique in London June 17, 2009. REUTERS/Stefan Wermuth

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Blog Guy, I know you declared that wedding countdown bra to be the worst idea ever. Now that we have a winner, are you finished watching for other stupid stuff?

Hardly. In fact, I may have spoken too soon. The beer bike, which is a tourist thing over in the Dutch Holland Netherlands, may be even more lame than the bra.

Tourists get on and pedal it, while drinking beer and singing karaoke. I’m serious.

Here are photos of it. ALL the tourists are facing the bar and karaoke machine while moving through one of the most beautiful cities in the world. It’s wasted on them, because they’d rather drink beer and sing “Country Roads.”

You’re right, Blog Guy, that is a LOT stupider than the countdown bra. Can you just imagine…

Shhhhhh! Sorry, I’m trying to calculate if one of those North Korean karaoke-seeking missiles might be able to get all the way to the Dutch Holland Netherlands.

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Tourists cycle as they drink beer and sing karaoke on a beer bike in Amsterdam June 12, 2009. The beer bike is a mobile, pedal-powered bar. REUTERS/Robin van Lonkhuijsen/United Photos

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Every so often an idea comes along that is so awful it makes me wonder why there isn’t a “Bad Idea Hall of Fame” or maybe a “Bad Idea Olympics.”

Meet the “marriage hunting” bra, unveiled today in Tokyo.

It features a digital marriage countdown clock and, being a bra, it is worn around the midriff. I’m not making this up.

Gleefully, I imagine what happens when some potential husband out on a date thinks he’s getting to second base. Fumbling in the darkness he runs across the digital countdown readout and other circuitry, and…

The drama potential here is just too indescribably delicious.

“Honey, will you be my wife? That’s wonderful! Let’s head to the airport right now, so we can fly off to meet my family!”

Video report on the bra

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A model displays lingerie maker Triumph International’s new “Konkatsu Bra”, literally meaning “marriage hunting” bra, during an unveiling in Tokyo May 13, 2009. The bra features a marriage countdown clock showing the marriage deadline set by the wearer and when an engagement ring is inserted between the cups the melody of “The Wedding March” is played to celebrate the engagement. The characters on the bra read, “now hunting for a husband”.
REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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Blog Guy, what’s t he stupidest thing you’ve seen all year?

Saya, the humanoid robot teacher who supposedly makes facial expressions.

What’s so stupid about her?

They’re the worst expressions I’ve ever seen. I mean, who are we kidding?

These photos show Saya showing happiness, surprise, anger, disgust and fear, plus a shot of actress Martha Plimpton so I have an even number of headshots. Can you tell which expression is which?

The second one down on the left is Plimpton, I think.

That one isn’t part of the test.

Um, top right is happiness, I know that. Bottom right is anger, for sure.

Wrong and wrong. My point is, this will teach a whole generation of kids totally incorrect facial cues. When they enter a room, they won’t know a surprise party from an execution. I guess that’s good news for grifters and incompetent mimes, but for everyone else… You understand?

Sure. You’re saying Martha Plimpton is a robot?

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Above: humanoid robot named Saya is touched by school pupils during a demonstration at an elementary school in Tokyo, May 7, 2009. The robot can speak different languages and make facial expressions with motors inside her face. REUTERS/Issei Kato

Headshots:

happiness, surprise

Plimpton, fear

anger, disgust

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Blog Guy, I’m CEO of a struggling U.S. company. I need to reduce my Information Technology costs. My employees act like computers grow on trees, abusing equipment and stuff. Our geeky tech staff is too timid to crack the whip. Help!

Maybe you’re hiring your techies in the wrong place, sir. Send your recruiters to the Information Technology college, in Baghdad.

As you can see here, their grads won’t put up with crap from your whiny workers.

They’re pretty impressive, I must say.

Exactly. Imagine one of your employees shows up hung-over in the morning, spills coffee in his keyboard and calls Tech Support. Now imagine two or three of these guys answering his call. What sort of workers do you employ, if I may ask?

Um, journalists.

Oh. Then I’d hire several hundred of these dudes.

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Students of the Information Technology college dress in costumes during a celebration of their graduation ceremony in al-Nahrain University in Baghdad May 5, 2009. REUTERS/ Thaier al-Sudani

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Blog Guy, you know a lot about the inner workings of government. I was wondering, how does President Barack Obama keep on schedule?

It’s not easy. A guy like Obama has three, maybe four appointments a day. It’s hard to be on time for that much stuff. He’s always looking at his watch, as you can see in this photo.

A wristwatch! I So THAT’S the secret!

But there’s a catch. The first lady, Michelle, is quite a prankster. She’s always messing with his watch, to see if she can get him to eat six meals a day, go to bed at 2 p.m., miss a flight on Air Force One, stuff like that. She’s a real hoot.

I love it! Tomfoolery and shenanigans at the White House! So what’s happening in this picture?

Michelle got him good. He’s remembering he’s supposed to be in China, and he’s wondering why it’s lunchtime when he still has syrup from breakfast on his chin.

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First lady Michelle Obama smiles as President Barack Obama looks at his watch at the celebration of Cinco de Mayo at the White House in Washington May 4, 2009. REUTERS/ Yuri Gripas

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Hey Blog Guy, it seems like you’re always sort of making fun of fashion models. Why don’t you just once listen to what they have to say, and learn something?

That’s good advice. It so happens we have a video report on supermodel Bar Refaeli, who was the cover model for this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. She must have something to say, right?

I watched the entire two-minute report, so you don’t need to, and here are the best quotes - the ones that really made me stop and think:

“I’m always on the go. I travel a lot.”

“People have a tendency when they shoot me to put me in very little clothes.”

“I’ve tried on thousands of bikinis.”

“I will make my dream come true and find the perfect little bikini.”

So there you have it, a supermodel with a dream. And by God I bet she finds it, and I bet she sells it for $120.00. At least that’s what the video says.

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Above: Israeli model Bar Rafaeli in screen grab from video report.

Below: Rafaeli in 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Alessandro Bianchi

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Blog Guy, I’ve read about the so-called “nuclear football” that goes everywhere with the U.S. President in case he needs to authorize a nuclear war. Are there any pictures of this doomsday gadget?

Photos of the super-secret device are very rare, but we got some at the White House a couple of days ago. Here you go.

Gosh, I guess I didn’t expect it to look so much like a, you know, football.

Exactly. Nobody expects that, so it’s a brilliant security ploy. It appears that President Obama was feeling a little playful, and he tossed it around with his aides.

I have to say that frightens me. Couldn’t that be very dangerous?

Only if it lands right on the big red button, and what are the chances of that?

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President Barack Obama tosses a football given to him by the the 2008 NCAA national football champions, the University of Florida team, during a ceremony at the White House, April 23, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Jason Reed

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Blog Guy, I need help. I’m a smoker, and…

Say no more, I’ll try to help you quit.

No! I don’t want to quit, I just don’t want my wife to catch me! How can I cover the smell?

Here is the very latest cover-up technology. You line a spare room with 4,600 pounds of garlic, then heat it to 120 degrees, permeating every inch with the aroma. You could light up a cow pie and nobody would notice.

But won’t my wife wonder about the garlic smell?

Sure. Just say an Italian restaurant opened next door.

But she’ll learn that isn’t true when she tries to make dinner reservations there.

Ah, so you’ve got a SMART wife, huh? Then say you added a garlic panic room for vampire attacks.

Perfect! I think she’ll fall for that.

Yeah, even the smart ones usually do.

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A vendor smokes as he sells garlic at a market in Taiyuan, Shanxi province, China, April 13, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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I have to chuckle at the Honda folks, who have unveiled a “dog-friendly” SUV.

Honda hasn’t said how much the dog features will cost, but they’ve got a cushioned dog bed, a built-in water bowl, a bone design inside and a paw logo.

I read this story to my own mutts, Shelby and Eddie, and they’re still laughing.

My pets say if you really want car-happy dogs, here’s what you need:

• Slits in the leather upholstery; easier to take hold and start chewing.
• Lose the roof, so they can feel the breeze and let their tongues flop freely.
• Squeakers embedded in every seat.
• An interior you can hose down, much like our own living room.
• A dashboard push-button cheese dispenser you can operate with a paw.

That’s what THEY call dog-friendly! And if the Obamas are smart, they’re already personalizing the  presidential limo for their new dog Bo.

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Above: Shelby and Eddie, designing a truly dog-friendly car.

Below: Heather Cammisa with the Humane Society and a dog named Sammy demonstrate dog- friendly features. REUTERS /Lucas Jackson

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