Boy Lonnie, you’ll be sorry you took those days off from the custom tailor shop.

Damn! I always miss the good stuff. Another weirdo, huh?

That doesn’t begin to cover it. This dude demanded huge full-color naked chicks sewn onto his jacket by the lapels.

Hah! One of those spoiled Los Angeles 11-year-old TV stars?

Nope. This was a grown-up, goin’ on his first date or whatever.

Figures. Let me guess. He was no George Clooney in the looks department?

Not even if Clooney had gangrene and an autopsy. Of course the jacket had to be…

Stop! Let me guess. Fire engine red?

Bingo!

Another huge surprise…

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Director Quentin Tarantino at the premiere of “Whip It” in Hollywood, California, September 29, 2009. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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Blog Guy, what can you tell me about that Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi guy, who seems to be involved in lots of controversy these days? Have you seen him speak in person?

He doesn’t give speeches. He does comedy shtick. He patterns his stage act after hip ’60s comics like Shelley Berman and Bob Newhart, with imagined telephone chats.

Awesome! Is he funny? “

He’s hilarious! Well, uh, actually I don’t speak Italian, but I guess he’s probably okay.

Ah. And what’s this stuff about Berlusconi’s scandals involving young women? Any truth to that?

I can’t say, but I do know that after I blogged this week about actor George Clooney’s rumored ability to get women just by gesturing what he wants, Berlusconi appeared to throw down the gauntlet, describing better-endowed chicks, as you can see in these photos below.

Thanks, but I’d rather see pictures of the chicks they got.

Sorry, this isn’t that kind of a blog.

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Upper left: Comedian Shelley Berman

Upper right: Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi gestures during a right-wing youth party meeting in Rome, September 9, 2009.  REUTERS/Remo Casilli

Right: Italy’s Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi gestures as he speaks during a news conference in Milan, September 8, 2009. REUTERS/Alessandro Garofalo

Right: Actor George Clooney is escorted by police during his tour of earthquake-damaged areas in central Italy, July 9, 2009. REUTERS/Philippe Wojazer

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Blog Guy, what do you think it’s like being George Clooney? I bet it’s pretty neat!

You have a real way with words, stranger. I’m guessing “pretty neat” is accurate.

Take these shots of Clooney arriving by speedboat in Venice yesterday. It was like in the 90s in Italy, but he’s totally fresh looking.

Actually, it was in the mid-70s in Italy. You’re probably thinking of India.

Italy, India, whatever. Anyway, I hear when Clooney goes someplace all he has to do is describe the sort of woman he wants, and they just bring her to him.

Is that really true?

I think so. Look at the photo below from when he was in Italy in July. What else could he possibly be talking about?

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Above: Actor George Clooney arrives by speedboat in Venice September 7, 2009. He will be attending the 66th Venice Film Festival for his premiere of “The Men Who Stare at Goats”. REUTERS/Manuel Silvestri

Clooney is escorted by police during his tour of earthquake-damaged areas in central Italy, July 9, 2009. REUTERS/ Philippe Wojazer

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Blog Guy, I read that they’re doing a remake of the classic 1980 comedy “Caddyshack.” That means we’ll see the great Bill Murray again in that hysterical gopher scene?

No. They’ve gone another direction with the casting. The part of Carl Spackler is being played by Thailand’s prime minister, as you can see in this studio publicity photo taken today.

Okay, hang on. Why would they use a Thai politician? What’s Bill Murray doing now?

He and George Clooney are working on an earthquake disaster film. Look at the photo below, from Italy during the G8 summit.

Why would Bill Murray and George Clooney need to be where the G8 summit is?

I guess they represented the Thai prime minister so he could keep shooting “Caddyshack.”

You’re driving me nuts here. In the photo, the prime minister is with a ferret, not a gopher.

Yes, that ferret is a big star in Thailand. On the movie set, he…

Please don’t say it.

Yes, he has his own gofer.

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Above: “Caddyshack” publicity photo, and Thailand’s Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva looks at a ferret at Silapakorn University on the outskirts of Bangkok, July 12, 2009. REUTERS/Chaiwat Subprasom

Left: Actors George Clooney and Bill Murray (R) tour an area hit by an earthquake in L’Aquila, July 9, 2009. The two visited the region during the G8 Summit. REUTERS/Daniele La Monaca

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My opinion of wax museums is no secret. I fail to get the entertainment value of life-size statues of famous people who look like they were recently embalmed.

Whatever, these photos here are so freakish they skid across the line into surrealism. We see live women dressed as angels, flirting with a wax George Clooney, who is dressed as a Santa.

I personally enjoy thinking that these women, who don’t get out much, thought they were posing with the REAL George Clooney. I think they were told that the actor was in a coma as a result of a traumatic Christmas goose accident, and that if they flirted with him he might emerge from it.

This is the only story line that works to explain these photos in my universe.

Waxworks slideshow

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Women wearing Christmas angels costumes pose with a  wax figure of actor George Clooney which is dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, at the German ‘Madame Tussauds’ in Berlin December 5, 2008. REUTERS/Hannibal Hanschke

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I have GREAT news for guys!

There has been a big new survey to find out what makes men seem handsome, and you know what the top thing is? Smoldering eyes? Nope. Chiseled features? Nope. Good hygiene? Yep.

So, armed with that information, here are the sort of pickup lines you should be using:

• “Hey, babe, most of my underwear was washed fairly recently.”
• “You know, gorgeous, I hardly ever get big zits anymore!”
• “Look, I have a Q-tip dispenser on my iPhone case. You wanna use one?
• “Well, it’s December 1, time to brush my teeth again!”

It gets even better. After hygiene, the second thing on the handsome list was confidence! You don’t need to be smart or talented, you just need to THINK you are!

Who would have guessed that being handsome would come down to a large ego and a can of jock itch spray!

REUTERS photos of supposedly handsome guys…

Brad Pitt and George Clooney by Max Rossi

Matt Damon by Chip East

Hugh Jackman by Lucas Jackson

Denzel Washington by Joerg Sarbach

Robert Redford by Hannibal Hanschke

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Okay Blog Guy, I enjoyed your advice on how average guys can look just like George Clooney, but I’m outraged over that Clooney photo you used in your blog, with his eyes all googly and everything! It was horrible!

On behalf of loyal Clooney fans everywhere, I DEMAND that you publish a different picture of this extremely handsome man!

Sure thing. Here you go.

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Actor George Clooney poses at the Film Festival in Venice, Italy, August 27, 2008. REUTERS/Max Rossi

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Blog Guy, can you please settle a bet for me and my friends? Who is the best-looking guy in the world today?

Women tell me it’s George Clooney, for sure.

Cool. Then what can other guys do to look more like him?

Well, the main thing is the suit. A dude like that spends four, maybe five hundred bucks on a single suit, so of course he’s going to look great. Oh. And wear a tie, too.

A nice suit and tie? That’s his secret?

Pretty much, but to really clinch the deal, you should tape this picture of Clooney next to your bathroom mirror and practice looking like him. You know, do funny stuff with your eyes, make a Hollywood smile… In no time, women will start thinking you’re him, just like they do with me.

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Actor George Clooney arrives for a charity dinner in Venice, Italy, August 26, 2008. REUTERS/Max Rossi

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