Okay gang, you all know the deal. We’ve actually persuaded Prince Charles to endorse our brand of coffee for a TV commercial!

Yeah, he said it’s only Canada so nobody will see it anywhere important, and he can use a few extra bucks.

It’s a real advertising coup, but we only get one take, so it has to be perfect the first time.

Now, the prince is going to just be walking along doing prince stuff, and ask for a cup of our coffee. He’ll try it, and then give us a big smile of delight.

Oh my God! This is our one take? This is supposed to make people buy this crap?

Well, we’ve paid for it so we have to use it, but at least edit out that last few seconds where he drops to his knees and spews his lunch on the crowd.

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Britain’s Prince Charles samples naturally grown coffee in traditional farmer’s market, at the Evergreen Brick Works Restoration site, in Toronto November 6, 2009. REUTERS/Fred Thornhill

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Blog Guy, I just read a great Travel and Leisure magazine article titled “Top Travel Websites of 2009,” and do you KNOW what I found?

Yes. My blog is mentioned there, and by the magazine’s Executive Editor, no less.

Well Bob, don’t get me wrong, and congratulations, but… What would happen if people planned a vacation using YOUR blog?

My lawyer says they would have a pretty good legal case against me. But if you think about it, I have a TRAVEL tag, and offer a veritable cesspool of useful travel information you won’t find anywhere else.

I’ve exposed the so-called gyrocopter, bad budget airlines in Tibet and other cheap flight plans. I’ve written about the most important travel concern of all, foreign toilets.

I’ve tipped off readers to spots they might never know about, like the statue to enemas, the penis museum of Iceland, Zebra Land, the “other” Taj Mahal, travel packages to Hannibal Lecter’s hometown….

Heck, I’ve even warned you about the Hell on Earth list.

For foodies, I’ve covered bull’s penis and testicles in Bolivia, the blood soup bistro in Vietnam, South Korean shrimp cracker snacks, and that little place where the head chef makes, well, heads…

Since it seems to be an important factor for lots of my readers, I’ve even offered lists of travel spots where they’re sure not to run into ME, like the You Must be Joking tourist site and the Don’t Wait for me out on the Ledge destination…

And for anyone who STILL doubts my contribution to contemporary travel, five words: Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop!

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Obscure headline reference: 1950s TV show “Have Gun Will Travel“

Photos: Bikinis on an Australian beach, the gyrocopter, and riding in Hefei…

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Blog Guy, I see the Dalai Lama is in Washington, DC. He gets to meet all the biggies when he travels, right?

Yes. In the combo shot below you can see him with Presidents George Bush in 2007 and Bill Clinton in 1998, and the current leaders of France, Britain and Germany. Oh, and this week with Senator John McCain, the recent Republican candidate for president.

Wait a minute. I’m not up on my current events, but McCain didn’t win, did he?

No, Barack Obama did.

So is the Dalai Lama meeting with Obama?

Um, no. But the Dalai Lama WAS honored at the U.S. Capitol for his human rights work. In choosing not to meet with the visitor, Obama was accused by some of “kowtowing to Beijing.”

I’m no wordsmith, but isn’t that what they call irony?  Any chance Obama just doesn’t know how to get to the hotel where the Dalai Lama is staying?

Nope, it’s the same place the Obamas just had dinner on Saturday night. Say, while you’re in DC, Mr. Lama, maybe you’d like to visit our famous Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop?

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Dalai Lama in cowboy hat and with nasal spray hanging from his nose. REUTERS photos

Dalai Lama with President George W. Bush, Senator John McCain, French President Nicolas Sarkozy, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, President Bill Clinton. REUTERS photos

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Blog Guy, summer is over, and I was wondering how the tourist season treated your famous DC tourist destination, the Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop? Our family went there in July, and it was the high point of our trip.

You’re too kind. Thousands of tourists visited, leaving sticky glazed fingerprints all over our photos. Maybe we should only sell doughnuts to folks on their way OUT from now on, or at least maybe offer moist towelettes.

Good idea. Any big plans for new attractions in the fall?

That’s up in the air. I think we’ll postpone our new exhibit, “Goofy Dad: a Look at John and MacKenzie Phillips.”

Probably wise, under the circumstances. So what will you show instead?

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has been auditioning right and left, and I guess we may have to give her a chance. Every day new goofy Merkel face shots arrive, so there’s no shortage of good stuff.

That’s great! What will you call the exhibit?

She’s promised us a whole box of photos of her trademark skin disorders - poison ivy, allergies, chicken pox, so we’re thinking of calling it…

No! Don’t say it!

You’re too late. Angela’s Rashes.

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Above: German Chancellor Angela Merkel frowns during an election campaign rally in Kassel, Germany, September 21, 2009. REUTERS/ Wolfgang Rattay

Below: Assorted Angel Merkel goofy faces, REUTERS photos

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Blog Guy, some of us readers were noticing you never take a day off. You post stuff constantly.

I can’t take time off. There’s too much goofy stuff in the world. If I let my guard down, it’s the end of life as we know it.

But we can be smart-assed and snarky, too. Couldn’t you just get us started and then we could take it from there?

Wow, that’s very considerate of you! Okay, let’s try. Here are some photos from the Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop showing Prince Charles, wearing a kilt and making dopey faces at Highland Games in Scotland. Take it away!

Wait, Blog Guy! Tell us what words we can’t use! Sarcasm is harder than it looks!

I can’t hear you, I’m already enjoying my morning off…….

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Britain’s Prince Charles watches highland dancers perform during the Mey Highland Games in Caithness, northern Scotland August 8, 2009. REUTERS/ David Moir

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Blog Guy, I visited your Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop last week, and I had a great promotional idea for you!

Hit me.

Well, I know the museum already sponsors lots of tennis players, but what if you were also to sponsor some other sport? Like say a men’s softball team.

That is a good idea, but I think it should be a team that somehow represents what our museum is about.

Oh, I think I have just the right one in mind, Blog Guy.

Wonderful. Can I also put the museum’s slogan on their uniforms?

Sure. What is it?

Doughnuts: They’re not just for dinner anymore…

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New Zealand Black Sox perform a ceremonial Haka dance before playing against the Philippines during the ISF XII World Men’s Softball Championship in Saskatoon July 19, 2009. New Zealand won the game 8-1 after 5 innings. REUTERS/David Stobbe

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Blog Guy, I read your item about the Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop. Are you hiring qualified museum guides? What’s that fancy word for people who do that?

You’re thinking of “docent.” Yes, we can always use a decent docent.

If I work at the museum would I have to agree with you on everything?

Yes. I don’t tolerate docent dissent.

Does my own opinion interest you?

It doesen’t. You’re a docent.

Does that mean museum visitors can disrespect us?

No. We don’t allow dissing decent docents.

I can’t start right away. I have diarrhea and inflammation of my lower bowels.

Sounds like you’ve got a dose of docent dysentery.

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Above: Men take part in a zombie parade in Frankfurt, July 18, 2009. REUTERS/ Johannes Eisele

Left: Docent gives a tour of the flight deck to tourists on the aircraft carrier USS Midway in 2004 file photo. REUTERS/ Fred Greaves

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Blog Guy, I love your Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop, and visit it whenever I’m in DC. But I heard on the radio that there is a new chairman. Are you being eased out?

No, nothing like that. The museum board isn’t about to dump me after we just had our most successful week ever, with nearly 40 tourists gaping at the pictures with their sticky jelly doughnut-stained faces.

What you refer to is we just appointed a new honorary chairman, just to meet and greet and show VIPs around and stuff.

Ah! The radio didn’t say what his qualifications are.

It’s the kind of thing that doesn’t travel well to the radio. But trust me, he’s got qualifications out the wazoo.

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Qin Kai of China competes in the men’s 1m springboard diving final at the World Championships in Rome July 17, 2009. REUTERS photos by Alessandro Bianchi and Max Rossi

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Blog Guy, I know you’re a real Washington insider. How does President Obama get so many people to be so devoted to him? Is there some secret?

Yes. He puts the hocus-pocus on them.

I beg  your pardon? The hocus-pocus?

You know, the old mumbo jumbo. The hootchie-kootchie. The big whammy. He wiggles his fingers, makes a frowny face, gives them the stink eye…

You would have us believe the U.S. President performs some sort of hypnotic wizardry on people to make them loyal?

Sure. This photo shows him in the act.

About that photo. You news people should be ashamed, taking a picture like that of the president. Shame on you!

Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much about us news people. Actually, this is an official White House photo.

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President Barack Obama jokingly reacts to news that staffer Nora Becker will be leaving to pursue a joint MD and PhD in health care economics, during a White House staff picnic, June 26, 2009. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)

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Blog Guy, I remember from a few months ago you were in trouble with the tennis people for implying that they are unattractive when they play the game.

I think you had to agree to choose your photos randomly, and run a disclaimer. How’s that going?

Very well, I think. For instance, I put together this display from the French Open, and I just used the most recent photos of each player.

I admit I was wrong before. They are quite a good-looking group of young men and women.

I’m glad to see you’re being adult about this. And what about the disclaimer? Come on, let’s have it.

“Many tennis players do not look as constipated as the ones in these photos. Any resemblance between these players and a Manson Family Reunion is purely coincidental.” There. Happy?

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Above: Anna-Lena Groenefeld of Germany plays a shot during her match against Gisela Dulko of Argentina at the French Open tennis tournament in Paris, May 27, 2009.  REUTERS/ Vincent Kessler

Left: Assorted goofy tennis player shots from REUTERS

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Photos courtesy of Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop