Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
It’s your turn to go “quack-quack,” Jim
Blog Guy, you don’t seem to be too fond of hunting. I guess that’s just because you love animals?
Look, I’d really, really like it to be just because of my feelings about animals, and my opposition to cruelty and suffering and stuff like that…
But?
But just LOOK at these people! In all honesty, even if they didn’t have any bullets, and they were there to FEED the ducks, I’d STILL make fun of them for looking like total doofuses.
Grown men sitting out there on hard rocks, wearing camouflage, making “quack-quack” noises to trick unarmed ducks into flying within range? Have they ever taken a look at themselves, because it isn’t pretty.
Today’s reading is from Shooteronomy
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written about any new signs of that onrushing Apocalypse, so I foolishly thought things might be getting better.
Let’s see here. Roman Catholic bishops in Wisconsin are urging their parishioners not to bring weapons TO CHURCH, now that a new law permits state residents to carry concealed firearms and electric weapons such as stun guns or tasers.
Uh-oh. Does it SOUND like it’s getting better?
I mean, states have been competing to pass the nuttiest weapons laws recently. There was the Florida law limiting what doctors can say to their patients about guns, and both Utah and Arizona voted to create official state firearms.
Maine lawmakers voted to legalize switchblade knives, but only for one-armed residents, while Ohio approved a law allowing folks to carry guns into bars.
But here’s the kicker in Wisconsin. Bishops are urging people not to bring weapons, but they say the decision on whether to ban weapons is up to individual churches.
Ok ok.. you guys are way more than nutty..
As for the taser in church, I wouldnt mind them teaching.
I dont mind religion unless it starts interfering with my life.
Catching bayonets, what could go wrong?
It’s not that I don’t think you know what you’re doing, but we hired you to spiff up our military honor guard with some great new moves, and I’m just not sure about your plan.
Trust me, I know what I’m doing.
Okay, I’m sorry, what was your name again?
Lamar.
Okay Lamar, so as I understand it, the honor guard marches up, stops, and everybody just hurls their rifles straight into the air, is that it?
That’s it. It’s going to be impressive as hell.
I find themself staring, for at least an hour, transfixed by those yellow ribbons. I guess that’s why the Eighth and I Marines decided not to take me into their midst. Dave, good eye in noticing that the M16s aren’t current. AllthatJazz, what you see doesn’t exclude one in the chamber! For those that are bad tossers. I MEAN rifle throwers!
Playing Pachelbel’s Cannon at my funeral?
Blog Guy, not to bring up a depressing topic, but have you made plans for what will be done with your body when you die?
I’m arranging that now, thanks to several readers who sent me info about a company called Holy Smoke. They put your cremated ashes into shotgun shells or rifle cartridges, so your friends can shoot you off. Even in death, you can be helping to kill some poor creature.
Their Website says, “We offer a way to honor your deceased loved one by giving or sharing with him or her one more round of clay targets, one last bird hunt, or one last stalk hunt.”
Okay, you’re just making that crap up, Blog Guy.
No, I’m not. Whether you were a big shot or your life was just a flash in the pan, you can go out this way…
I see, now you’re just doing it for the cheap puns. I mean, this is one very goofy plan!
AllThatJazz, it’s because standing in fromt of salmon hued screen is soooo offputting!
Oh, so this is a SERIOUS bike lane!
Okay, listen up, troops! I’ve got your duty assignments for the anti-Gaddafi army!
Smith, you’re riding in a tank. Jones, you’re a bombardier. Williams, you fire rocket-propelled grenades and blow up big stuff all day long. Johnson, you’re on Bike Patrol. Williams, you’re…
What is it, Johnson?
Well, you know, I mean it doesn’t sound very cool to just ride a bike.
Really, Johnson? But it’s a ten-speed two-wheeler, very shiny, and you get to shoot your AK-47 from the handlebars.
Have another round? No, I mean drinks!
Blog Guy, I need some of your great advice on home entertaining.
Is it something that can be solved by a fancy Williams-Sonoma gadget?
Not this time. I’ve invited some of those anti-Gaddafi soldiers over for a home- cooked dinner, and I’m wondering if there’s anything special I should know. We’ll start with pre-dinner drinks in the living room.
That sounds lovely. Make sure they have a clear line of fire.
Excuse me? Clear line of fire?
You know, they’ll want to use your sofa’s arm rest for their assault weapons, so you should only put one fighter on each piece of furniture.
Nosmo, I do believe that Doc, Mr B, Dave and I all shared in the common day practice of eating while heavily armed! I still do…and if that waitress doesn’t show up soon…well, use your imagination. I DO have a CCW on my license, which means I have a stamp that lets me carry concealed weapons.
What’s wrong with this picture?
Blog Guy, I’ve been seeing photos of well-armed rebels in Yemen in recent days, and I notice a lot of swollen cheeks. Are those plucky lads in need of major dental care?
No, don’t worry about that. These guys are just getting stoned on a leaf called qat.
According to Wikipedia, qat contains an amphetamine-like stimulant which is said to cause excitement and euphoria.
But…but…but… That one guy is holding a huge honking rocket-propelled grenade! Should he be doing that?
Oh, don’t worry, it’s no worse than giving Ozzy Osbourne the keys to a fully-armed battle tank.
But you wouldn’t DO that!
It’s not the Qat, it’s the brand spanking new uniforms. Wonder who’s paying for that?
Looks like that one passed the test!
Sarge, look sharp. I’ve got a job for you.
Sure thing, Captain, Sir!
We’ve captured all these big weapons from the Gaddafi loyalists, and we need to test ‘em.
Can you take care of that? And start with that big anti-aircraft gun over there!
Jeez, Sir, I can only think of one way to “test” an anti-aircraft gun….
Well, then it’s a good thing we’re close to a civilian airport, right? Who’s your best man for the job, Sarge?
Welcome to the Barney Fife Pistol Range
Blog Guy, I hope you can help me. My chiropractor’s beekeeper just gave me a 9 mm pistol for Labor Day, and I’m wondering…
Wait. You and your chiropractor’s beekeeper exchange Labor Day gifts?
Yeah, it’s just a little tradition going back to the 2008 Oscars. Anyway, I’d like to use it, but I don’t actually want to fire real bullets. Any ideas?
Sure. I’m the same way. Lots of us love to go to a shooting range but don’t care for the acrid smell of gunpowder or the stigma of hitting innocent bystanders.
You should come with me to this public park where I practice with my unloaded .44 Remington Magnum. Look at these photos of policemen there, holding shooting practice with unloaded guns.
Really? How do they know if they’re getting any better?
This somehow seems like a scene done by Improv Everywhere.
And the Sportsman of the Century was…
It’s a vintage Rolls Royce convertible, bristling with firepower. A mounted machine gun, a Lantaka swivel cannon, a double-barrel high-caliber Howdah pistol. And it used to belong to James Bond, right?
Nope, it just belonged to some dumbass.
Readers of this blog know I’m always amazed that people will spend tons of money to own stuff touched by a genuine dumbass. A Jesse James autograph, Lee Harvey Oswald’s coffin, Bernie Madoff’s underwear.
Well now, for $1,000,000 or so you can bid on the car that the Maharaja of Kotah hunted Bengal tigers in during the last century.
I’ll just let that sink in for a minute. The man hunted tigers from the comfort of a Rolls Royce.
Oh, and it gets worse. When I say hunted tigers, according to our story on the upcoming auction, the maharaja would take the car to a place where his servants, who had already captured the tiger, were holding it so he could shoot it. I am not making this up.
Other than the Maharajah of Kotah, who the hell hunts (executes) wild animals with a machine gun?
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Resident Oddly Enough blog Expert
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@CrowGirl, did you burn the lingerie and make some nice smoked salmon at least?