Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

It’s your turn to go “quack-quack,” Jim

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Blog Guy, you don’t seem to be too fond of hunting. I guess that’s just because you love animals?

Look, I’d really, really like it to be just because of my feelings about animals, and my opposition to cruelty and suffering and stuff like that…

But?

But just LOOK at these people! In all honesty, even if they didn’t have any bullets, and they were there to FEED the ducks, I’d STILL make fun of them for looking like total doofuses.

Grown men sitting out there on hard rocks, wearing camouflage, making “quack-quack” noises to trick unarmed ducks into flying within range? Have they ever taken a look at themselves, because it isn’t pretty.

Today’s reading is from Shooteronomy

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It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written about any new signs of that onrushing Apocalypse, so I foolishly thought things might be getting better.

Let’s see here. Roman Catholic bishops in Wisconsin are urging their parishioners not to bring weapons TO CHURCH, now that a new law permits state residents to carry concealed firearms and electric weapons such as stun guns or tasers.

Catching bayonets, what could go wrong?

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It’s not that I don’t think you know what you’re doing, but we hired you to spiff up our military honor guard with some great new moves, and I’m just not sure about your plan.

Trust me, I know what I’m doing.

Okay, I’m sorry, what was your name again?

Lamar.

Okay Lamar, so as I understand it, the honor guard marches up, stops, and everybody just hurls their rifles straight into the air, is that it?

Playing Pachelbel’s Cannon at my funeral?

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Blog Guy, not to bring up a depressing topic, but have you made plans for what will be done with your body when you die?

I’m arranging that now, thanks to several readers who sent me info about a company called Holy Smoke. They put your cremated ashes into shotgun shells or rifle cartridges, so your friends can shoot you off. Even in death, you can be helping to kill some poor creature.

Oh, so this is a SERIOUS bike lane!

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Okay, listen up, troops! I’ve got your duty assignments for the anti-Gaddafi army!

Smith, you’re riding in a tank. Jones, you’re a bombardier. Williams, you fire rocket-propelled grenades and blow up big stuff all day long. Johnson, you’re on Bike Patrol. Williams, you’re…

Have another round? No, I mean drinks!

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Blog Guy, I need some of your great advice on home entertaining.

Is it something that can be solved by a fancy Williams-Sonoma gadget?

Not this time. I’ve invited some of those anti-Gaddafi soldiers over for a home- cooked dinner, and I’m wondering if there’s anything special I should know. We’ll start with pre-dinner drinks in the living room.

That sounds lovely. Make sure they have a clear line of fire.

Excuse me? Clear line of fire?

You know, they’ll want to use your sofa’s arm rest for their assault weapons, so you should only put one fighter on each piece of furniture.

What’s wrong with this picture?

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Blog Guy, I’ve been seeing photos of well-armed rebels in Yemen in recent days, and I notice a lot of swollen cheeks. Are those plucky lads in need of major dental care?

No, don’t worry about that. These guys are just getting stoned on a leaf called qat.

Looks like that one passed the test!

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Sarge, look sharp. I’ve got a job for you.

Sure thing, Captain, Sir!

We’ve captured all these big weapons from the Gaddafi loyalists, and we need to test ‘em.

Can you take care of that? And start with that big anti-aircraft gun over there!

Welcome to the Barney Fife Pistol Range

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Blog Guy, I hope you can help me. My chiropractor’s beekeeper just gave me a 9 mm pistol for Labor Day, and I’m wondering…

Wait. You and your chiropractor’s beekeeper exchange Labor Day gifts?

Yeah, it’s just a little tradition going back to the 2008 Oscars. Anyway, I’d like to use it, but I don’t actually want to fire real bullets. Any ideas?

And the Sportsman of the Century was…

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It’s a vintage Rolls Royce convertible, bristling with firepower. A mounted machine gun, a Lantaka swivel cannon, a double-barrel high-caliber Howdah pistol. And it used to belong to James Bond, right?

Nope, it just belonged to some dumbass.

Readers of this blog know I’m always amazed that people will spend tons of money to own stuff touched by a genuine dumbass. A Jesse James autograph, Lee Harvey Oswald’s coffin, Bernie Madoff’s underwear.