It’s that time of year again, when college seniors start asking me for career advice.

“Bob,” writes one student at a northeastern college, “I picked up a glossy pamphlet on the exciting field of professional frisking.

“I’m good with my hands, so I thought this might be an option for me.”

Well, I get this question a lot, and of course there is much to be said for this glamorous career. You do get to grope interesting people, and use phrases like “Spread ‘em,” “You know the drill,” and “Up against the wall, pond-scum!”

Best of all it’s mostly night work, which leaves your days free to do whatever it is you thought you were going to do with that Art History degree.

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Top: A suspect is frisked by a policeman patrolling the slum district of Petare in Caracas, November 21, 2009.

Left: A 15-year-old girl is searched for weapons by a policewoman during a raid near a hospital at the slums of Petare in Caracas, November 22, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Carlos Garcia Rawlins

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Welcome to the story that cannot be satirized. It’s already THAT good.

It seems the designer of the Kalashnikov rifle was just named a “Hero of Russia” by Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, who lauded him for creating “the brand every Russian is proud of.”

Please remember, I am not making any of this up.

As far as global recognition goes, Mikhail Kalashnikov’s name would be right up there with Death and Hemorrhoids, if those were actual people’s names.

Between real Kalashnikovs and knock-offs, “the brand every Russian is proud of” is often said to have killed more people than any other weapon.

Indeed, “the brand every Russian is proud of” is the weapon of choice among various armies, rebels, gangsters and drug traffickers.

Said the frail, 90-year-old Kalashnikov at the ceremony, “This is not my fault that this weapon is not used where it should.”

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Top: Mikhail Kalashnikov (R), the Russian inventor of the globally popular AK-47 assault rifle, toasts with Russia’s President Dmitry Medvedev during festivities to celebrate his 90th birthday in Moscow, November 10, 2009. REUTERS/ Natalia Kolesnikova/Pool

Middle: Afghan boys, some as young as eight, peer through the broken glass of a window of their prison in Kabul watched by a young guard with a Kalashnikov assault rifle, in a 1996 file photo. REUTERS/Stringer

Bottom: A Russian boy aims a Kalashnikov rifle at the Russian Army’s elite Dzerzhinsky division near the town of Balashikha, outside Moscow, in a 2002 file photo. The Dzerzhinsky division organized a military-style summer camp for juvenile delinquents to teach military discipline and show them contemporary weaponry. REUTERS/Sergei Karpukhin

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Looking back at my blog’s traffic statistics for October, it was an interesting month.

The five most popular items were divided between guns and freakish fashion.

That’s useful in identifying my demographic, as well as in giving me a good reason to move to Yemen and change my phone number.

For those of you who wager on this information, here you go. And I was happy to see my own favorite make it to Number Four.

Thanks for coming back, and remember, if there are people who really irritate the hell out of you, share this blog with them.

5. Bad practical jokes on guys with guns…

4. A fashion taboo bites the dust…

3. NONE of you brought bullets?

2. Nobody wants to see exposed fashion models!

And the most popular item for October was…

1. Pamela Anderson and her little dress child…

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Actress Pamela Anderson poses at the 6th Annual Hollywood Style awards in Los Angeles, October 11, 2009. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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Continuing on with today’s theme of curious responses by onlookers who are present at a crime scene…

Maybe you’ve already seen our video of a mafia-style hit on a guy with a mafia criminal record. It’s pretty strong stuff, and also fairly surprising.

A guy is smoking a cigarette outside a bar, a dude in a baseball cap walks into the bar, then comes out and kills cigarette guy with several shots.

Meanwhile, a woman checking out her scratch-off lottery ticket just keeps on doing that, then walks away. Even the hitman just walks off.

For those of us trained in human behavior, this raises a number of questions:

• This new get-tough initiative on smokers, is it working?
• Why are baseball fans suddenly turning so violent?
• Are lottery officials allowed to use this footage in an ad campaign along the lines of, “Hold the noise down boys, I think I won the lottery!”

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Blog Guy, you’re an expert on police operations around the world, right?

Okay.

So I was wondering, what are the very best and very worst police departments? I’m counting on you.

The worst may be these police in Mumbai.

Check out this photo. Looks like all of them are groping for bullets while balancing their rifles between their knees, with the barrels pointed up towards their faces.

It seems like a Deputy Barney Fife moment if ever there was one. I have another photo taken 20 seconds later, but it’s a bit grisly to use here.

And the very best unit?

I’d have to say the Dominican Republic Police Department, which appears to be made up entirely of models in skimpy bikinis. I believe the officer saluting here is a captain.

She’s a COP?  Man, I’d like to cop…

Stop right there! This is a sophisticated blog, Buster, so just keep those cheap pool hall lines to yourself!

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Above: Policemen prepare to fire their weapons to pay homage to their fallen colleagues on Police Commemoration Day in Mumbai October 21, 2009. REUTERS/Arko Datta

Below: A model displays a creation by Puerto Rico designer Ecliptica at a fashion show during the Dominicana fashion week in Santo Domingo, October 20, 2009. REUTERS/Eduardo Munoz

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Pay attention, Earl, this is goin’ down as my very best practical joke ever!

Now just picture it. All these troops will be looking left, see, watching for the president to arrive. So I’m gonna stretch a shin-high rope in front of their legs!

Then, see, when they take a step forward with their UNLOADED rifles to present arms, they’ll all go stumbling and sprawling! They’ll be SO pissed-off!

Get outta here, Earl, here comes the president now!

What? Their guns ARE loaded? Fully-automatic, huh? Magnum what?

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A soldier lines up a rope for guard of honor members before Hungary’s President Laszlo Solyom arrives for a two day long official visit in Brdo, Slovenia, October 8, 2009. REUTERS/Srdjan Zivulovic

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Blog Guy? I read about Oktoberfest in your blog and went to the bar you suggested, and now I wanna die!

Really? What did you order?

Hold your voice down. I’ve never had a headache this bad. I ordered “Bavarian Shooters.” My ears are still ringing. I inhaled so much black smoke…

Uh, you DID make clear you wanted a beverage, right?

Apparently not. There were SIXTY of them. I don’t think I’m gonna make it.

Look, go back to that bar, tell ‘em I sent you, and ask for some “hair of the dog.” Can you remember that?

Sigh. You’re sure nothing can go wrong?

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Around 60 shooters in traditional Bavarian clothes fire off salutes during a last day ceremony at Munich’s 176th Oktoberfest October 4, 2009.

A German police officer and her bomb-sniffing dog search through an Oktoberfest tent during the early morning hours in Munich September 30, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Michaela Rehle

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Blog Guy, I’m tired of dating smart chicks. Where can I find some stupid ones?

I can’t help you. The ones I know, especially those who read my blog, are very smart.

Come on, just between us, you must know where I can get some dimwits.

You might try London. Some of the women there are so stupid the police have launched an ad campaign warning them to stop carrying guns for their boyfriends. It doesn’t get much dumber.

“Hey Pam, you got any extra room in your purse?

“Sure, Johnny. Watcha need?”

“Let’s see. here’s my Chapstick, and some gum…”

“No worries, Johnny. Anything else?”

“Oh, I guess I should take my Glock in case I wanna kill somebody. But I’d rather not carry it on me because I could go to prison.”

“No sweat, Johnny. I can see where you wouldn’t want that. Look, just a little bit of the barrel sticks out of my purse. Ya want some extra ammo, too?”

“You’re the best, baby! What did I do to deserve a tree stump like you?”

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Above: Hollywood actress Milla Jovovich in a 2004 file photo. REUTERS/ Yuriko Nakao

Left: A model presents swimwear during a fashion show in Budapest in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Laszlo Balogh

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Welcome back to a feature called What Year is this Again? where we offer items that lack humor, but do make us wonder if we have somehow gone back in time…

Children, welcome to third grade! I’m Miss Johnson. Let’s start with all of you writing a paragraph called “How I Spent My Summer Vacation!”

Dear Miss Johnson, my family went to Disney World. We rode on every ride. I threw up.

Lisa

Dear Miss Johnson, we went to Martha’s Vineyard. I saw President Obama. He waved.

Sean

Dear Ms. Johnson. Last Sunday, Mommy and I were on a bus. There was a truck full of roosters. Some guys called “hit men” drove by and killed two men in the rooster truck. Four days earlier in the same city, “hit men” went to a clinic, lined up patients and killed 17 of them. Next summer, I want to visit Hollywood.

Rosie

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A woman and her daughter look at a crime scene where hitmen killed two men in the border city of Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, September 6, 2009. Four men were traveling in a truck loaded with roosters when they were attacked on Sunday afternoon in a drive-by shooting, according to local media. REUTERS/Tomas Bravo

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Blog Guy, what’s the humane situation in Britain? They really love their animals, right? But so like what if you’re a Brit person and you really have this urge to be cruel to animals? Is that a problem?

You can go fox hunting, though that’s a little more difficult these days.

But what if it doesn’t satisfy my need to be cruel? What if I try that, and just have the urge to torture BIGGER animals?

Oh, then you become a bullfighter and go to Spain.

A British bullfighter? Come on!

There really is one. We have photos of him.

Wow! I bet he has to be REALLY fit for a sport like that. Isn’t that a very demanding skill?

Uh, this guy is 67 years old, he’s had quadruple by-pass surgery and a replaced knee.

My God! How does he survive in the ring?

You can see him here with his “assistants.” I believe they protect him in the ring with machine guns and flame throwers.

Do you have any pictures of him with an actual bull?

In the photo below it looks like he THINKS he’s touching a bull. Does that count?

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Above: British matador Frank Evans, 67, poses with his assistants before a bullfight in Benalmadena, Spain, August 30, 2009. Evans, known on the circuit as “El Ingles,” quit bullfighting in 2005, but came out of retirement last year after enduring quadruple by-pass surgery and having a knee replaced.

Right: Evans practices before the bullfight.

REUTERS photos by Jon Nazca

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