Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
Okay, the actual caption on this photo says this soldier is “on patrol.”
But I have to wonder, what the frick kind of “patrol” do you go on where you need FIVE rocket-propelled grenades, unless you’re guarding the River Styx to make sure Satan doesn’t wander into our world?
Personally, I like to think this is Lonnie, the worst recruit ever, who was so clumsy and incompetent that some drill sergeant finally said, “Just give Lonnie an armload of RPGs and get him out of here!”
Of course it’s just possible that there is another soldier even WORSE than Lonnie. He’s the guy walking right behind him, saying, “Left, left, left, right, left!”
Confidential note to fashion design staff:
We’re really in a jam. Over the past couple of years we’ve made designs as stupid and shocking as possible, and now we’ve got nowhere to go. We’ve hit the bottom of the barrel, and then gone under the barrel.
I mean, short of sending models out on the runway with guns, I don’t know what… BOING! Hey, that’s not half bad! Maybe a nice snub-nose revolver or a compact semi-automatic. Even our numbed audiences might actually be offended by that.
Blog Guy, I know your career advice for recent grads is the best. I got a glossy brochure promising a great job for people who enjoy “flying, working outdoors, and being on the fast track.” Sounds pretty good, right?
Sigh. No. Read the fine print. They’re looking for folks to be shot out of a cannon, a career path I can’t recommend. Here’s a good rule of thumb: if a job requires you to do something you’ve only seen in the cartoons, you should keep looking.
Gentlemen, this would be a huge mistake.
A certain other country recently cut their small arms training. When rebels attacked, well, you can see in these news photos, it wasn’t pretty. Nobody knew how to load or shoot, and most just ended up throwing rifles at the enemy.
After years of studying intimidation, we are ready to unveil our soldier of the future.
This is gonna be the hottest new series on TV, and we’ve got it! It’s called Segway Squad, about an elite force that fights crime using those Segway personal transporters. Is that cool, or what?
The squad is led by Pop, a hardened veteran who’s been riding Segways since the old days of 2001. He’s in charge of a bunch of wisecracking young hotshots. When a crime is in progress they streak there at the lightning speed of 10 miles per hour, and we zoom along with them, bumping over curbs and scattering pedestrians.
Here we are in Beirut, a city that has endured far more than its fair share of war and bloodshed, and we’re going to open a fast-food restaurant. What would be a good theme for it?
I know, how about war! We’ll draw on the natural connection between killing and eating! We can call it Buns and Guns, and we’ll put the tables behind sandbags. We’ll have war relics all over, and the chef can dress in camouflage! Our motto: A sandwich can kill you…
With firearms being in the news, we visited a gun shop in Texas to talk to shoppers like this raccoon-hunting 16-year-old girl. She was buying a holster for her dad, I guess so he can stop lugging his gun around in his hand and have someplace to stick it.
What caught my eye in our photo series was that people were pushing big shopping carts, like they were at Kroger or something. Is it just me, or does that sound like, pardon the expression, overkill?
You take this skeet shooting photo below. You could have shot it from behind, from the side, from an overhead vantage point… But if you can see the round holes where the shotgun pellets come out, you’re doing something wrong.
It’s time again for News or Spoof?, the game where I tell you something and you have to say if it’s real news, or just satire. Say I told you a car dealer is giving away a free handgun with every purchase? Yeah, that really happened. But now guess which one of these quotes the car dealer really said:
“I’ve got a gun in my pocket right now. I have a rifle in my truck.”